Stepson & OH stress

[Headache87]

Hi Guys

Im new here, just need to vent if thats ok, its not an easy subject to discuss with family or friends! So here goes... Im 32 ive been with my partner for 9 years and he has 2 sons they have different mums! The eldest was 10 when we got together and the youngest was 4. The 10 year old was a nightmare (lived with his dad full time since he was 5) the 4 year old he was Wednesdays and every other weekend. It has never been easy moving into this little 'boy gang', i was 23 and my partner was 36, so we had an age gap but our relationship was great, i respected he had 2 boys & even though mutual friends warned me off as the eldest was a nightmare i didnt take the advice! It was up and down for years, i always felt like an outcast deep down, walked on egg shells around his son and knew they came first but i was prepared! The eldest son was diagnosed with ADHD but his dad denied this as it seemed non existent until he didnt get his own way and his dad blamed the schools and authorities for not disciplining and not allowing him to discipline his son.

We have since had a child together our daughter who is now 4. The eldest son is now 19 and was kicked out of our house at 16 because he couldnt adhere to the basic house rules (barely any) so moved back to his mums, she kicked him out & he came back to us but was kicked out again due to drugs and we had a baby. Then back to his mums then into various homeless shelters which he abused every single one! He hasbeen arrested so many times but never really has much punishment. To be totally honest i cant stand him, he is the most selfish person ive ever know, he beats his girlfriend up, robs people, steals anything he wants isnt intrested in getting a job or sorting himself out as he gets benefits or steals so doesn't need to in his eyes! He cheated on his gf the other day and text his dad 'Just had sex it felt soooo good' (who the hell says that to their dad!!!) I know dads & sons have a different relationship to dads & daughters but thats gross)!!!

Anyway the other son ( now 13) is turning into a shit. He isnt wired up the same as his brother and was always such a lovely boy but now growing into teenager he is obviously pushing the boundaries. He came to ours on the friday after school when they announced the lockdown and has been here since!! So6 weeks now and his mum has seen him once....amazing considering she 'hates' my partner and thinks hes the worst dad in the world!!

But my issues are actually with my partner!...

*Not once has he asked me if its ok with me that his son stays this whole time.

*They both think covid 19 is a joke, (my partner is into conspiracy so everything is fake, man made, or a plan to rid Hollywood of paedophiles!!!! (Yeah tell me about it!!!!!) So im here trying to keep my daughter safe while his son makes jokes like 'mummys got coronavirus' or not washing their hands and having people come to my house or visiting people'!

*Ss has been on the ps4 for 6 weeks straight! About an hours worth or school work done because OH isnt school work minded!!!

• Ss just eats crap food & energy drinks while sitting in his room, doesn't wash...when hes forced to have a bath he puts his dirty underwear back on after.......why??????

*Ss has a seriously bad attitude, shouts at his dad all the time, swears to his friends, winds my daughter up then tells her to 'shut up' when she retaliates.

*My daughter hurt herself the other day and he thought it was funny so i lost my cool and told him he can go back to his mums, he called me an idiot, phoned his mum and told her he 'f ing hates me' etc

Im so sick of it all yet when i mention it to my partner hetreats me like im one of his kids! He takes his sons side, he shuts me down and tells me imnit picking! For instance we were walking the dog earlier today and i saw ss put his hands down his bum and scratched then sniffed his fingers, i ignored it as another one of his gross attributes but he went to touch my daughter's head with the same hand so i pulled her away and said 'no thanks, i just saw what you did' and OH jumped to his defence saying he never saw him do that (honestly he NEVER sees anything) i said i did but OH refused to believe it (again treating me like a child) why would i make that up, we were getting on just fine?? I didnt make an argument just didnt want his shit fingers on my daughter's head??? But now AGAIN were not talking!

Im absolutely sick of dealing/living with someone elses kids after 9 years its still them and me (my OH is great with our daughter, although doesnt stick up for her as much as id like when it come to her 13 year old brother picking on her).

All i want is to live a normal life with my partner seeing me as an equivalent adult and when i bring something to his attention not shut me down....i wouldnt nit pick if he dealt with it in the first place but he has never been consistent with his parenting thats why theres such a problem!!

Sorry for the long post and life story 🙈

Thanks for reading x

Even after your older dss went off the rails your dp hasn't clicked he needs to parent the younger one more than ever. I would be hot footing it out of there and taking my dc to a safer place..

He is a complete man child. And a bloody shite df.

Yep! My thoughts to. But because the 13 year old lives with his mum and shes awful, wont let him parent their son then shoots him down for not trying and has stopped OH seeing son in the past thinks OH thinks he isnt in control of him and if he pushes Ss to hard he just goes back to his mums and wont see his dad!!!

@Windyatthebeach has the right of it. One son off the rails, second son trundling off down the same track... doesn’t take a genius to work out where this is headed.
You and your DD are going to have to tolerate a fucktonne of bullshit, marring her entire childhood, if you stay. It’s quite clear this man is not capable of learning from his (huge) mistakes so why put yourself and DD through it?
If any subsequent posters have any insight into personality transplants then good luck to you, because that’s the only way I’d stay.

They all sound awful tbh. I doubt his older son would have sent that message if he and his dad didn't already have that kind of rapport either.

Its so hard when its just me, Dd and OH we fit perfectly (i know that sounds awful & like i just want his baggage out the way) but he is great then, hes up early with her, makes sure she eats healthy (hes very into health!) Always makes sure shes clean and plays soo much hes great! Like literally the perfect dad its only where his sons are concerned...ones older now and lives his own life (although i dont agree with it) hes always wanted to be his dads 'mate' and i think now they finally speak to each other and get on better as 'mates' than father & son this is how it is....then the other lives with his mum sge sets the rules and hes the fun dad!!

Your dd may end up resenting both of you that he is living with zero rules and boundaries op while she has the necessary ones.
I would be wary of leaving him(ds's) alone with her. He sounds out of control..

The eldest hasn't been allowed in my house for months!! I would never trust him, but i dont like to be around him and seems as though im the only one who doesn't condone his ways!! So definitely would never let them be alone. Im obviously the problem though, they all know its my rule hes not allowed here! Its the only 'rule' my partner actually sticks to....other than when myself & dd went away for the weekend and he let him round for a play on the ps4 with other ss & stay over! I found out OH didnt tell me(which makes it worse that they're all against me in their original little group before i was around) feels like im the new gf not that ive been around 9 years!!

I'm sorry, but at 23 years old when you had your pick of men, why in God's name did you settle for a relationship with this heap of baggage?

An older man
2 kids
(One of them a nightmare from day 1)
2 mums
You walking on eggshells

This was never going to turn out great.

If I was you, I'd end the relationship and getaway from it all.

Leave! You and your dd deserve a better life....

I know!!! Ive asked myself this sooo many times! Obviously now i have a beautiful daughter who (thank god) is so like me lol.....wish i could go back in time! I really dont know what i was thinking, i came out of a really shit relationship and this/he seemed great! Whats actually worse is when his sons aren't included or he doesnt see them for a while for whatever reason....its amazing and everything is great, hes a great partner cant actually fault him and the best dad to our daughter, hes motivated, caring etc like a totally different person! Its just where they're concerned and for a the last few years i thought people would understand & so would he (which he does) that when i moan about his eldest everyone understands but now moaning about his other son it looks like its just me, i have a problem with BOTH his sons its as if im just selfish and bot happy with his 'baggage'!! Not a coincidence that they are both twatty kids lol

You dont sound very pleasant yourself op calling a 13 year old a little shit kicking an 16 year old kid out of a house who had adhd calling his previous kids baggage grow up. You're with a bloke who's older who has with dc to with THREE different women says it all really sounds like all dc have been let down here and theirs a clear pattern forming.

Firstly i didnt kick him out at 16! He was smoking weed in his bedroom, left pills around on various occasions when we had a toddler, smashed his room up and we had the police round constantly it was his dad that kicked him out and it wasnt onto the street it was to his mothers!! I just didnt allow him round at 19 years old because he kicked my door in, spat in my face & tried to attack his dad!
The 13 year old who has zero respect, calls me, his dad, his mum & his mums partner idiots, says his dinners taste like shit, bullys kids at school & a whole host of other things....not going to call him a little angel! So sorry if that offends you but yes he is a little shit! His mother calls him a horrible shit with bad attitude so dont think im being to harsh!!! But your obviously perfect with the perfect partner/kids/life!!!!! Well done you

Did you seek help for him before his dad kicked him out? My dbro had a heroin addiction, smashed the house up stole etc, he relapsed numerous times went to rehab but my parents never gave up hes been clean for over 20 years married and going to be a dad. Sounds like you're lovely partner cant be arsed to parent his boys when the going gets tough and the same pattern is happening with the second boy and youre dismissing him in the same way as the first.

I am really surprised your partner isnt trying to reign his youngest son in considering how his eldest brother has behaved.
Does your partner get on with his ex partner the mother of the 13year old? Only wild kids really need parents who can stick together so the child can't play one off against the other and so your partner isnt afraid that the child may not want to see him if he tries to tackle his behaviour.
Can you all sit down with his mum and her partner and try and hash out what you can do collectively about his behaviour.

His dad has been through hell trying to sort him out! Hence why he had him full time since he was 5, he contacted every organisation he could, and only ONE diagnosed ADHD he didnt meet the criteria with the other drs, specialists or the EDB school he attended! The other son wasnt raised full time by his dad so where is the pattern?.....Also what 'says it all' that he has THREE kids by 3 mums when you have THREE kids by TWO different dads????

You dont give on you're dc that's the point you're second step son has issues and is following the same pattern. You're dp had 3 dc to with 3 different women yet it's not his problem so how. I'm laughing so hard you had to advanced search me because I clearly got to you. all my dc are under my care and are well cared for I never gave up on and them and I certainly didnt kick them out.

I could have written some of this myself Op! I’m 32 my DH is 9 years older and his his 2 biological boys and is still involved with his DSS. We have a DS of our own as well (boy mad!). The youngest is 13 and has been diagnosed with ADHD and is slowly going off the rails.
I think you need to have a point you are happy to get to with this before it’s too much. He might be great with your DD and you might have a much better relationship away from his boys, but they will always be there. What’s important is a safe environment for your DD and if that means away from DH and DDS then you need to do that. My DH is really worried about drugs with his 13 year old. I’ve told him under no uncertain terms I’m not putting up with it in the house with a baby. Or any violent etc behaviour. I’m not saying we would need to split up in that situation, I’ve said I would live separately. Yes you know they had kids when you meet them, but no one knows what is going to happen as kids grow and change. Give your DH an ultimatum, sort his DS behaviour out or you live apart.
Ignore the comments blaming you or saying you are shit person blah blah blah for the boys being like that. People hate on stepmothers and it’s not your responsibility to discipline very challenging boys, it’s your DHs. Yeh sometimes I wish I could go back and tell my 26 year old self not to be such an idiot and find someone with no baggage, but here we are!

Because the boys have different situations i dont think he can help parent them differently, not with any less effort or love but where as he had full custody of the eldest and sole responsibility he had his own way of parenting and that was it. With the other son he lived at his mums and he saw him Wednesdays after school & everyother weekend he just wanted to spend their time playing or doing fun stuff he didnt really inflict rules etc (yes he did discipline when needed).....He gets on fine with eldest sons mum, we both do but the youngests' mum is awful so no wouldnt be possible to sit down & talk. Ive spoken to her partner before when i have picked ss up and he says he's similar at their house!

@jamjar18 Thank you! Finally someone that understands, its not about blaming just need to find a point that suits everyone! Its not all bad sometimes SS (youngest) is ok and were all happy, its just very hard sometimes not only living with someone elses kids even if they are your partners but having to everyday deal with their bad attitude etc etc and your partner not dealing with it. Your torn between, parenting & protecting your own child, trying to keep the peace, stepparent but not parent a child, set your own house & family rules but if stepchild doesn't adhere to you've got no power to do anything about it and risk causing shit between you & your partner, you & your SS and then theirs his mother and your partners ex to deal with aswell!!!

You didnt get to me & i didnt advance search you either, just clicked on your name & it came up? I want to see if you had constructive input or you were just a troll....I take it your dont have step children

Exactly, some children I imagine are easier to step parent as they are calmer in nature. You would be able to maybe discipline them yourself etc. Boisterous boys with ADHD are awful to parent, my DH says he doesn’t like his son sometimes. I say to him yeh and you unconditionally love him because he’s your son, imagine how I feel! We are currently battling to have DSS live with us as he bullies his mother and she can’t control him. Luckily my DH has more control over him but he’s still hard work. We have also had him (and his older brother) dumped on us for the entire lockdown so far while his mother drinks in the hot tub with her BF. It’s been a testing time to say the least and the are finally back off to their mothers at the end of the month. As much as I love my DSS’s I can’t wait!!!! If you have had DSS for the whole of lock down too I totally understand why you needed to have a rant and feel frustrated

I get it op but the common denominator here is your partner. Like you say he wont do anything about it he just shuts you down.
You say his kid doesnt wash and just plays on the computer every day talks to you like crap.
Its so important now more than ever that your dss has ground rules when he is at your house.
To let a 13year old kid play on computer everyday all day and not wash is not ok he is 13 he still needs guidance. Washing is a basic need your dss needs to get used to doing as is school work. Lets face it this lockdown isnt going away anytime soon.
It sounds like he needs more structure in his life.
It seems your partner has got into a rut of letting his child do what he likes when he is visiting his Dad, and seeing you as an outsider and not letting you in when you have an opinion (and quite rightly so on dss) you need to find a way of sorting out this detachment your dh creates between you when it comes to his kid. You feel like an outsider because he is treating you like one. Have you ever actually told him that you feel like an outsider sometimes?
I think it would help you both to sit down and have a really good talk about this. He needs to grasp the fact that you just want/need to create a happy home and that you want dss to do well in life and be happy. That to give him more structure and ground rules will be much better for dss.
He really needs to step up and parent him properly. I say that in the nicest possible way.
Being a step parent can be really tricky I have experienced some hard times myself but when you come out the other side its so much better.

Thank you! That is literally all i need to hear, its not all bad but sometimes when its constant which it has been every day for six weeks straight when we cant leave or take time out it really is hard! Its not always even the last thing said or done by SS which has made me loose my cool its normally a build up of things like his attitude, his dad not putting his foot down or setting some half arsed rules, his mum sending shitty messages trying to split us up even after 9 years together and telling me her son has nothing to do with me ect then we get this attitude with SS but he refuses to go home as his mum has given him a PS4 ban as soon as he gets there....It all builds up! Im not a shitty person, i want us to all get on and live a happy family life but i cant do it all on my own & i also cant live like my opinion doesn't matter!!!!

OP your partner is a terrible dad. He fucked up his eldest well and truly and dumped him to his mums then various homeless shelters rather than help him, his other son is now going off the rails. Your dd is young now, please don't expect him to be "the perfect dad" when she becomes a bit more challenging. You chose him though.

It does seem like you have alot to deal with from all angles.
I dont doubt your partner is really tired of the negativety surrounding his sons particularly from the behaviour of the first one. His shutting you down when you say something he perceives as negative is probably a way of him coping with it. He doesnt want to listen its easier to pretend you are just nagging.
When you just want things to be ok and want to feel like you are being listened to.
I think if you can successfully open up your communication with your partner you are half way there.
This kid needs structure like ANY 13 year old kid. Its a tricky age and creating it for him will really help him.
I hope you manage it.