Should I let my step-daughter call me mummy?

[BeanJen]

My stepdaughter is 5 y/o, she has known me for over a year now, my partner has 50/50 custody and we all live together- she has her own bedroom in my house etc. I have a 2 y/o daughter myself and we're an extremely happy family. The girls love each other and call each other sisters, genuinely I feel very lucky to have made such a bond with her and I love the absolute bones of her she is wonderful. The other day she asked out of the blue if she could call me mummy. I said no (because her mummy wouldn't like it.) and she dropped it for a bit but often comes back to it, calling me mummy whenever she fancies etc. I have said at least wait until I marry your father, but I don't think it's going away in her head. I personally think it's wonderful she feels that close to me. I certainly consider her my daughter, I'm a stay at home mum and take care of her by myself often, but as a birth mother myself I'm extremely wary of how her mum will feel. She's not exactly the kind of person who would be ok with whatever makes her daughter happy. She is in fact the opposite of that, and would certainly kick up an almighty storm. The other day she was in my house and there was a funny picture of me and stepdaughter on the wall and she lost it and started swearing at my partner in front of the kids that it ought to be her in the picture... any suggestions as to what alternative she could call me? I feel like she really doesn't want to call me by my name any more so I need to give her some sort of title idea to side step the issue!

@PickwickThePlockingDodo, on the evidence of this thread, the OP has only known her boyfriend's five year old a year, but is already living with her and her own toddler in full on 'happy families' mode at a time when many parents in a relationship would still be very much at the 'getting to know their SO's children cautiously' stage -- I'd say that indicates astonishingly poor judgement.

The only evidence we have that the five year old's actual mother is a poor parent is that the OP says so. And that the OP appears to think that if she thinks she's a better mother-figure than the mother, then she merits the title of 'mummy'.

I have the utmost respect for those who negotiate the complicated terrain of being a good step-parent. This thread, however, smacks of an OP who, despite having a failed relationship/marriage which produced a child behind her in her very recent past, isn't thinking beyond her own 'my little family' ideas, or that this relationship may in turn end, and leave a confused young child wondering where her 'mummy' has gone...

Mimi (pronounced me me) is quite nice. Similar but different.

@PickwickThePlockingDodo Wrong. There are a number of SM's on here that I have a lot of time and respect for.

I also have a lot respect for my son's SM. Only a few months ago he made comment about him having another mum. It made me feel happy that he is secure in his family set up and obviously loves her, and feels loved by her.

However, she's been in his life 10 years, took everything at a decent pace, and both she and my ex respect me as his mum.

The exact opposite of what's going on in this situation.

How about Kanga (given that your DD calls your DP 'Roo')?

This thread is making me so cross.
Don’t know where op has disappeared to but if you’re still reading. Like fuck would my kids call the woman that my ex has been seeing for a year mummy.
She should barely know if your existence yet. And as for having 50/50 you haven’t got 50/50 of anything her parents have and your not one of hers.

Slightly different situation, but I have a DD 3.5 and am now in a relationship with a woman. DD occasionally calls her mummy and it doesn't bother me at all. I think it's really sweet that she feels so close to her. Although most of the time she calls her by a shortened first name.
I guess it should be up to the mother if they want to 'share' the title. If you know she wouldn't like it, I'd go for another option, probably a nickname.

My son calls his stepdad Huggler. He has brought him up since he was 5 and now 13. He is a much better father to him than his biological father who he rarely sees as he can't really be bothered with a child. Nonetheless he calls biological Father Dad and Stepdad Huggler. However we have noticed when my dh collects him from one of his sporting activities coaches often say child you Dad is here. Child seems happy with this and his school friends seem to think his stepdad is his Dad. We can only assume child is comfortable with this so have let it go. We know his biological Dad would never be taking.or watching him do sport.

My son calls his stepdad Huggler.

That's kind of adorable.

Nearly every sine post I see regarding DCs & Step-parents, 1/2 way down its "her mum started effing & blinding". There was one last night (deleted now) & there've been a good few recently.

Amazing how all these women somehow turn into shrieking banshees effing and blinding all over the place.

I've long thought these supposed instances are inserted to instill bias, so then the thread goes exactly the way OP wants as people focus on child's mother being not a nice person, instead of sticking to the specific queayion/issue in hand.

OP It wouldn't matter if her mum was as saintly as the pope or mischievous as the devil in the very particular aspect you're speaking of namely, should she call you Mum. No, I don't think so as she has a Mum. Suggest to her another similar title.

Just gently correct her each time that you are [your name] , no need for prissy titles before the name (I know a woman who feels the need to put the persons familial position before their name- Uncle Toby/Auntie Cass/cousin Barb etc. sounds so contrived and twee)
Obviously you shouldn’t be parenting the child of a new boyfriend in any capacity, she’s there for contact with her father, this is all massively upsetting huge life shifts for such a young child, she’s begging for some security and stability from any adult, this is just her way of asking, it’s not about a name.

no no no -read page 1

you cannot allow a child to call you mummy, she has one.

she calls you your name, or mama whatever your name is.

not mummy. its offensive to her actual mother

My son has automatically started calling some of DHs friends “uncle XX”. So he has 3 extra “uncles”. Fake uncles. Maybe they should become Funkles for short 😂

Putting cousin in front of a name makes me really cringe!

Just a reminder for everyone to be kind at the moment

"How about Kanga (given that your DD calls your DP 'Roo')?"

I think that's PERFECT! And I'll bet your DSD would get a kick out of it too.

First post on this site... I'm a fulltime stepmum to four wonderful children (5, 7, 9, 12) and they all call me mum, mama and mummy. I've never asked or told them to, but I won't tell them they can't.

Their biological mother left them all and my DH when our youngest was 6 months old. She had already had affairs and stayed away from the family home most days and nights. Eventually she decided to relocate over 200 miles away to live with one of these men.

She reluctantly sees the children for one day, once every 4 months. When she does, she avoids engaging with them - she asks them to play on tablets or watch screens. She never contacts or calls them in between (even on their birthdays, or Christmas). She told them that they were the reason she left, because they "stressed her out".

They desperately need someone to "be" their mum as well as call their mum. My purpose is to be that woman in their lives. I love the bones of them and would do anything to protect them.

I willingly left a successful career, my family and close network of friends to live in a remote area to do this. And I don't regret it.

Is my circumstance different? Is it okay for the children to call me mum?

Giving birth makes you a biological mother. But you have to "be" a mum. I'm trying to do that, so I won't ask our children to stop doing that. I think it would be further, damaging rejection from another mother figure if I did.

I know my situation is very unusual, but it might be helpful if anyone else is in the same position.

Xxx

Sorry, I don't know how to create paragraphs on here! Totally new to the site xxx

Your circumstances are completely different to the OP's. She's been in the child's life a year and has a mum she sees half the time like she sees her dad.

Dear God do the step mothers haters ever take a few days off?

Such nasty people. I feel sorry for their DCs.

No hating here OP asked for opinions, I gave her mine so bye bye.

@FTstepmum and OP I use to call mother like figures including my stepmother, "mummy" followed by their name. So for example if their first name was Kelly they would be "mummy kelly".

I didn't realise until I was a teen that this is common in my extended family. So all kids call women who they individually feel are like their mother this.

As your stepchilden are still in contact with their mother, however poorly she behaviours, it would be better if they followed this pattern.

Unfortunately for you and most importantly the kids, she is likely to kick off as due to societal pressure she will demand that only she is called their "mummy", "mum" etc.

Yes, I think you're right; most biological mothers (probably quite rightly) would kick off. Though theirs doesn't seem to mind at all. She actually wrote to my DH suggesting that she hoped I would be a mother for the children. Almost relieved that I was on the scene as it freed her of responsibility.

My situation is very unusual, I know. But allowing the children to call me mum gives them a security and attachment that they crave and are looking for. They of course know I'm not their mum. But they chose and choose to call me mum of their own volition. Asking them to call me "mummy kelly/whatever" out of respect to their biological mum would be odd and unsettling to them. They've had enough unsettling with their biological mother abandoning them.

Xxx

My dh has been in ds life since hes 2 hes now almost 12 we are married with other dc. He has one dad and calls dh by his name. I find it disrespectful to the other parent.

I come at this from a different angle.

I was in care but would see my mother infrequently. I lived in foster homes and children's homes and called two sets of foster parents mummy and daddy as I felt like they were my parents. One was 4-7 years and I am still touch with them even though I stopped living with them at aged seven and didn't see them again until I was 40. Now I call her by her name. The second family was from 14-18 and they had a mix of birth, foster and adopted kids and it came naturally to call them mum and dad.

I was careful not to when I saw my birth mother as it would have pissed her off. She wasn't happy when I was happy and settled in a foster home. I also had difficulties with my foster mum when I was 16/17 and wanted to see my birth mother at times.

I just wanted a mum. I wanted to feel someone cared and I wanted to feel like I had a family of my own.

Now I am 48. Haven't seen my mother for thirty years but she has caused no end of issues. One foster mum I still talk to and see every couple of years as we live far away. The other has died but that relationship broke down when I dared to say I was getting married at 19. I also have the same kind of relationship as my foster mum I see with another lady who would take me on days out from the children's home at aged seven. Both at 80+ and if helps so much to have someone who cares, especially as I have CV.

get well soon @SunshineCake - and how lovely that you have those mother figures in your life. I hope you come through this quickly and are back to enjoying those relationships soon.

I have friends who adopted older children, who still had natural mothers who had very much failed them. It gets very complicated for children, particularly in their teens, who have to navigate not only their own need for a mum, but also the needs and feelings of a biological mother. For all of my friends' kids it all kicked off in late teens when contact was re established with bio family. What has been clear is that in all of the cases the more stable relationship has been with the adoptive family. different kids (even in the same family) made different decisions about who to call 'mum' in that situation.

Quite frankly, having watched these lovely kids try to navigate this and please demanding biological parents I am firmly of the opinion that who to call mum should always be the choice of the child and the other adults should butt out and be thrilled that the child feels a secure and loving attachment to a mother figure, bonus if it's to more than one mother figure. If a mother loves her child she wants that child to have those loving and secure attachments, if she resent that then it's not love is it?

Bang on, *@Catsrus. It's quite distressing to see my mother's failings in black and white.

I think you're right about allowing children to choose how they want to address the women in their life who love and care for them.

For example: entirely through his own choice, our 2nd eldest (10yo) calls his biological mother by her first name and calls me mummy. He's angry about what she has done.

He may forgive her in the future and may start to call her mum. That's would be his prerogative and I wouldn't ever stop him. Though right now, he has his secure (female) attachment with me and it feels natural to him to call me mummy.

Is anyone else here a full-time stepmum? I know it's far more rare than parents with custody arrangements.