Should I let my step-daughter call me mummy?

[BeanJen]

My stepdaughter is 5 y/o, she has known me for over a year now, my partner has 50/50 custody and we all live together- she has her own bedroom in my house etc. I have a 2 y/o daughter myself and we're an extremely happy family. The girls love each other and call each other sisters, genuinely I feel very lucky to have made such a bond with her and I love the absolute bones of her she is wonderful. The other day she asked out of the blue if she could call me mummy. I said no (because her mummy wouldn't like it.) and she dropped it for a bit but often comes back to it, calling me mummy whenever she fancies etc. I have said at least wait until I marry your father, but I don't think it's going away in her head. I personally think it's wonderful she feels that close to me. I certainly consider her my daughter, I'm a stay at home mum and take care of her by myself often, but as a birth mother myself I'm extremely wary of how her mum will feel. She's not exactly the kind of person who would be ok with whatever makes her daughter happy. She is in fact the opposite of that, and would certainly kick up an almighty storm. The other day she was in my house and there was a funny picture of me and stepdaughter on the wall and she lost it and started swearing at my partner in front of the kids that it ought to be her in the picture... any suggestions as to what alternative she could call me? I feel like she really doesn't want to call me by my name any more so I need to give her some sort of title idea to side step the issue!

You started off sounding nice, but your opinion about her mum's parenting skills are irrelevant in this situation.

I'm not trying to be mummy. I appreciate that she has one of those, but it's amazing how that applies no matter how shit the actual parent is.

Of course it still applies.
You are quite derogatory about her mum, implying you don't think she deserves to be called mum.

If she is that bad as a mum, then her dad should be doing something about it...if indeed it's impacting negatively on their DD.

Just because her parenting is below what you seem acceptable, doesn't make her a useful shit mum.

You talk like you and your partner are the perfect parents. You may not realise how it comes across in your posts.

I'm sure your OH wouldn't be thrilled if she called her mum's (hypothetical) DP daddy.

My niece and nephews call their SM Auntie Lisa (not her real name). She's a good SM..they have a mum...but they do see their SM as a mother figure...they buy her mother's day cards.

In my culture children don't call older people their firstname, so I can see with you on this point.

I always found it uncomfortable when my DDs school friends, who were caucasian called me my name.

No of course not. I can't believe you can even consider it.

She has a mum. Its not you.

a friend of mine used to refer to his stepmother as Commie. Apparently it started as Co-mere- he thought it meant co-mother in French and he had started French lessons at school around the same time. They found out not long after it actually means gossiping biddy in French but it had stuck and sm found it funny. Also had the added bonus that when birth mum looked it up she thought he was having a sly dig at sm.

I’m a long-time step-mum to a boy and girl. They have always called me by my first name, and that feels right. Their Mum died many years before I knew their Dad.
Op, I understand how awkward this is for you, trying to keep the peace with all sides, but I would steer away from any name ‘mum’ related.
I liked Bessie.. as in best mate! Also the using of your initials twice is good, too e.g JJ, BeeBee, Kiki etc.
Well done in getting on so well together! 🌹

What a angry thread!

I can understand the wish for a nickname. C

Oops pressed post!

I can understand the need for a nickname , but don’t understand why it is so hard to think of one! My DH has about a trillion for me, which the children freely use too!

You've been in her life such a short time that she doesn't need any nickname for you. Definitely keep saying you can't call me mummy if I heard my daughter calling another woman this I'd be fuming. Just keep being firm about her calling you your real name. As she gets older she will stop asking to call you anything other than your name.

How about sit down and come up with a name other then mummy as she already has a mummy and say this is why my dd calms your daddy roo . Because she has a daddy that's not the same as your daddy ? Xx

Some of you guys are really attached to a name.

The kid calling two people mummy doesn't take anything away from either of those people.

Not rtft

'Mama Jen' is nice

You sound like a lovely step mum 💕

I agree with @KellyHall. Let her choose the word and if that's mum then why not. You are currently being mum. You are looking after her most the time. All her friends will have mum's that come and pick them up from school, take them to clubs, organise play dates etc And she wants her 'mum' too. Your daughter is calling you mum so why can't she. Other people will refer to you as her mum so it will be easier for her. It's not a 5 year olds job to consider her mum's feelings. The 5 year old should come first not the adults. But equally just tell her she can call you whatever she likes, you love her the same and if she ever wants to change that name it's ok too.

My dds friends called their bio mum and step dad "mum and dad" and their bio dad and stepmother "dad and mum". They had 50:50. One set of Parents moved to be a couple of streets away from the others so the dc could walk between the houses.

So they (we) always knew which set of parent they were referring to, at each house they just called their parents mum and dad.

I thought it odd at the start, but came to see it a a wonderful example of parents putting the children first. It really worked. They are all grandparents now.

When my ex left for OW I bit my tongue and encouraged dc to have a relationship with her. If they been very young then yes, I hope I would have accepted them wanting to call her mum. As it was they were teens so not an issue, though thinking about it - one of them is VERY close to another friends mum and calls her "my other mother" and calls her mum when round there, has since teens and is now in her 20's. I'm not insecure in my relationship with my dc, them having close, loving, family like, relationships with other people is not a threat to their relationship with me.

OP, you do grasp that usage of the term ‘Mummy’ isn’t dependent on whether someone else thinks you are a good parent or not, right?

And I say this as someone whose child has always called by a nickname version of my first name, so it’s safe safe to say I have no particular attachment to the term.

No, you need to come up with a new name. You've known her for one single year. She has a mummy and it isn't you.

You sound a lovely person OP, and considerate to her mum etc DD must hear her sister calling you mummy, so it’s natural that she will want to do the same when she’s with you, if it was me in your shoes I wouldn’t correct her or make a new name etc,

I was a child brought up in a blended family, I was always made to feel different from the others, so based on my experience she may feel quite upset otherwise.

There is no reason for her to call you mummy. You really shouldn't be considering it or telling her after you are married.
My DD met my DP when she was 5.
We went on to have 2 more DDs.
DD is now 12, DP is a SAHD day to all the children, he cooks for her daily, and helps her with school work.
We have had no desire for her to call him dad. It is inappropriate.
To allow your boyfriends daughter or consider allowing her is disrespectful to that childs mum. She doesn't have 2 mummy's she has 1. And as she has asked you, you need to explain that you are not her mummy so she can't call you mummy.

When you got married and had your daughter you I'm sure thought that relationship was for life and that your daughter would grow up with her mum & dad together. She isnt and your marriage wasnt.

So you know any family blended or not can break down.

Your children are still very young and your new relationship not very long. So no I dont think it is a good idea for either child to call you mum and dad.

They have already gone through the separation of one family unit of mum and dad.

My dd has had a SM and step sister for 15 years. So she was much younger than your SD when they started their relationship. She has had a SD my DH and SB my DH son for 10 years. We also have a joint child.

Our respective children call their parents mum and dad and their step parents their names.

My dd loves my dh like a dad but she would feel very uncomfortable calling him dad as an older teenager. She probably wouldnt have so much when she was younger.

What works as a 5 year old watching a resident child interact with you might not work and cause issues when she is older.

You don't respect her mother and your belief that your partner are better parents is clear.

Your belief in the value of and strength of this relationship is also clear.

That doesnt mean it will last and if it doesnt it isnt the same as the breakdown of your marriage. A 6 year old could end up not ever seeing her second mummy ever again. That is not in her best interests.

Come up with a cute name if you feel you have to. Although I think the resistance to just being your name probably comes from your belief that her calling you mummy or similar will further cement your new family. It wont. Successfully blending a family and having happy and secure relationships takes more than a name and takes much longer than a year.

Great post @Maybe83

Lol. This thread. My BF as a child was very close to her SM. But was never allowed to call her mum because her own mum had a issue with it. Her SM and father divorced. She was a teen and kept a relationship with her (in secret).

Now, she happily calls her mum and freely admits she is closer to her ex SM than she is her own mother. There’s a lesson in here for those of you who care to listen. The child is wanting to do this, why is it getting such a visceral kickback?

I personally would never let my DP’s Dc call me by anything other than my name? Why? Because it would send their already high maintenance M off a cliff. Nothing to do with what is in the children’s best interests whatsoever

I'd say that because she already has a mummy she can call you another name that is special between you, how about first initial of your name followed by ummy?or firstname then ma or mum on end. I know a family that calls granny nongy, no idea where it came from but it's special and unique to them. Make a word up! X

My 6 year old wants to eat chocolate, sweets and icecream 24 hrs a day.

She would also love nothing better than to sit in her pjs and watch You Tube all day probably eating nothing more than the above.

Should I let her because she wants to? Or is it my job as her parent to consider the potential impact on her emotional, mental and physical health if I did?

Just like it's the OP partner to consider the potential impact on his daughter making this decision.

How many times do we read on here about a NR child not wanting to visit their parent and SP home. The advice isnt usually well they want to so let them not visit.

Its usually they are too young to make that decision! I dont really see this as any different.

I am bit torn on this. I would feel weird if DP's daughters want to call me mum and I can see why their mum wouldn't like it. However, time and time again step-mothers are told that they must put the children's feelings first and put their feelings to one side. Should mum's not do the same thing? In that case then surely the mum's feelings shouldn't be the focus here.

Eating sweets/ allowing a child to do what they want is borderline neglect. On the same level as parents who continue to feed vast amounts to obese children. That has very real physical and health ramifications.

Please explain how a child opting to call another adult in their life ‘mummy’ is anywhere close to what you’ve explained? I’m not remotely advocating this, but on the flip side, if a child seriously wants to do this? And it contributes ultimately to their emotional security and helps them at some level? (If that is what is happening here). Why is it being met with such outrage?

You can only control children for so long. At some point they will exercise their own free will. If you want to be secure in your role as mum then I suggest you look at what is best for your children and put your own egos to one side.

My children could call anyone else mum. It bothers me not one iota. Why? Because I’m secure of my role in their lives and it doesn’t undermine my role in their life. Our bond is unique and no one can replace that. If you respect that truth, your children will too.

If you don’t? Well then, don’t be surprised if your children exercise their free will when older

God there are some judgemental posters on here. Op you should know that on MN ALL stepmums are bad and ALL mums are brilliant

Anyway back to what you actually asked, 'Mimmy' is a good one, similar to mummy but not enough to offend her real mum. I also like sadmum's idea of your initial followed by '-ummy' unless your name begins with m or c

I was in this little girls shoes once upon a time. My stepdad moved in with us when I was 5 and I was very attached to him. I wanted to call him daddy but was aware my bio dad wouldn’t like it. For a while I tried to call him daddy at home, but by his name when I was elsewhere but of course once I slipped and my dad got really angry. After that I just switched back to calling him by his name but it never felt right. It was really stressful and I remember having stomach aches over it. When I was about 17/18, I started calling him dad again.

All this talk about “respect” is nonsense to a little kid. They’re not measuring up love and respect in the way that adults here seem to. Just because your kid loves another adult or calls them mum or dad doesn’t mean they love or respect you any less.