Should I let my step-daughter call me mummy?

[BeanJen]

My stepdaughter is 5 y/o, she has known me for over a year now, my partner has 50/50 custody and we all live together- she has her own bedroom in my house etc. I have a 2 y/o daughter myself and we're an extremely happy family. The girls love each other and call each other sisters, genuinely I feel very lucky to have made such a bond with her and I love the absolute bones of her she is wonderful. The other day she asked out of the blue if she could call me mummy. I said no (because her mummy wouldn't like it.) and she dropped it for a bit but often comes back to it, calling me mummy whenever she fancies etc. I have said at least wait until I marry your father, but I don't think it's going away in her head. I personally think it's wonderful she feels that close to me. I certainly consider her my daughter, I'm a stay at home mum and take care of her by myself often, but as a birth mother myself I'm extremely wary of how her mum will feel. She's not exactly the kind of person who would be ok with whatever makes her daughter happy. She is in fact the opposite of that, and would certainly kick up an almighty storm. The other day she was in my house and there was a funny picture of me and stepdaughter on the wall and she lost it and started swearing at my partner in front of the kids that it ought to be her in the picture... any suggestions as to what alternative she could call me? I feel like she really doesn't want to call me by my name any more so I need to give her some sort of title idea to side step the issue!

No OP. OC She shouldn't call you mum. Its lovely that you are so close. But just No.
Think of a sweet nickname together. Something that can be special to you both.

Children that age can be confused and need correcting when appropriate. Dont outright keep saying no when she calls you it. Keep referring to yourself as your name or the name you decide together , and she will gradually pick that up instead and let the mummy drop.
You might be ok with it but her actual mum isnt. Nor should she have to be.

@GrumpyHoonMain I think you're right, and out of respect for her mum I'm really hoping to come up with a compromise that doesn't upset her. It's such a minefield, but I'm not her enemy. We both love her daughter and I don't want to step on toes- especially not sensitive ones!

I've always said no when she asked, always. She's been a lot more persistent lately and I'm trying to come up with an alternative.

It hardly sounds like that, when you begin this thread questioning if you can let her do it. And then mount a defence for why you’d allow your daughter to call another woman (who funnily enough doesn’t have a strong relationship with her so it’s not actually on the cards!) Mummy.

But I think you're taking the whole birth thing a bit far. The people on this post saying unless you gave birth to them you can't be their mother really obviously haven't experienced blended family dynamics.

Erm. Right. Well you’re wrong about that. And whilst you can help parent her, and be her step-mum, you’re not her mum - not because you didn’t give birth to her but because that role is already taken. She doesn’t need a new mum she needs a good step mum.

My first husband died and my older kids have a loving and devoted second-father. He’s more than their stepfather, as after our marriage he adopted them, but we always dissuaded them from calling him daddy or even dad. There are loads of words that imply a loving parental relationship; he didn’t need one that was already taken, and once that was firmly but kindly explained the children immediately accepted it and came up with a different name.
Their darling daddy gets to remain their daddy, no-one in the family gets confused by who is meant when daddy is referred to, and DH2’s loving relationship with them is acknowledged.

Your step-daughter hasn’t been bereaved, but to she’s had a lot to contend with in her short life, with her parents breaking up, her daddy getting into a new relationship, and him moving her into a blended family. It’s no wonder she’s confused, and you all need to support her with working through the uncomfortable realities of the family situation, not confuse her and cause upset with her mother.

I hope her father would have put his foot down over her calling you Mummy.

I used to call my Step Dad, “Daddy Tom”

As I grew up it became Dad Tom.

But I never called my step mum anything but her first name! It would have angered my mum so much....

And now it’s just dawned on me that my mum probably forced me to call my Step Dad “Daddy Tom” just to piss off my real Dad.

I’m in my 30s.

I was 5 when I first met my step dad

And 3 when I met my step mum.

@Somerville ok I appreciate that the title of this post is a bit misleading. All I'm trying to do is negotiate a situation I never imagined I'd find myself in with the best sensitivity I can. I'm not trying to be mummy. I appreciate that she has one of those, but it's amazing how that applies no matter how shit the actual parent is.

Our situations are clearly very different. I'm so sorry for yours and your kid's losses. If my children's dad died I'm sure I would hold on to the memory with ferocity. It's just a word though. When we go out other people call me her 'mummy' which is confusing. She's just 5. She's not responsible for sorting this out I am I just want to come up with an alternative and clearly I've rubbed some people up the wrong way. 😳

I hope her father would have put his foot down over her calling you Mummy.

Dad moved the kid in with another woman and her kid at quite some speed, so I doubt it.

I’ve known my step father 25 years longer than I knew my dad who died when I was 8, he came into my life 6 years later.

He’s a wonderful man but I’ve never called him dad we’ve got our own pet name. We celebrate Father’s Day but I don’t buy him a Father’s Day card just a bottle of whiskey.

She’s young and only known you for just over a year, please tread carefully

That's really interesting @Conrad79 did you ever want to call your step-mum anything else? Or do you think that maybe if you did you grew out of it once you realised what the other grown ups feelings were?
It's such a minefield but I want her to look back on it like you have and go yeah that makes sense.

It's just a word though.

Of course it isn’t and you know it isn’t.
Words have meanings, and the word a small child uses for the female parent who gestated them and raises them is about as emotive a word as we have.

@offlikeabanger her father is the best dad I've ever known. We moved in after a year. We are all very happy. We have discussed it and agreed that we need a solution that doesn't involve her calling me mummy. 👍🏻

It’s really not just a word though. She has a mummy, and it’s not you.

she’s always been a mum figure to me. She feels like a Mum of mine. My step sister feels like a real sibling (no different than my real brother)

I strongly expect I called her mummy when I was very little aged 3-6ish - but I bet it scared her & my Dad. I think they would have discouraged it at all costs! (To keep real mum happy!)

Now I’m mid 30s - I’d love to call her mum. She IS one of my Mums. But I won’t because my mum would hate it very much!

Is it really about how your dsd's mum feels? Or is it about how your dsd feels that's important?

Children from broken homes have a hard enough time already without being dictated to about what to call people ffs.

OP, I think it's marvellous your dsd feels like she wants to call you mummy and I'd let her. It sounds like her actual mummy won't be happy with anything anyway, e.g. joyful photo being met with rage!

But if YOU don't want her to call you mummy, yes, talk to her about an alternative. She'll only keep coming back to it if you say 'no' without giving an alternative.

My 2 step children who have lived with me full time for 4 years wanted to call me mum, we had a discussion and we all agreed I would be called "auntie(my name)" it has worked well for us. Although step DC dont have any contact with their mother I do not wish to take that away from sdc or their mum..if that makes sense

@Somerville so words like 'mummy' have meaning I'm not allowed to step on (which I agree with in regards to upsetting her mum) but I'm not allowed to seek an alternative name for my step daughter to call me other than my first name because how dare I have a parental relationship with a child I'm not biologically related to? I'm not allowed to have a word with meaning for me because I'm not technically her mother? Even though the first 4 years of her life will be the only ones I will have not had a parental relationship with her? This is about the rest of her life.
I'm just trying to think of an alternative!!! I don't understand the anger.

I did read the post no she should call you mummy. I dont have any suggestions for another name. If it were me I would encourage her to call me by my first name. I think people are getting short with you because of the title and you haven't exactly said nice things about her mum.

Can you explain why you don’t feel it’s appropriate for her to call you by your name? It’s perfectly normal. I’ve been a stepmum to my husband’s kids for over half their lives, we’re married, we’ve had a shared child and they call me by my name. DD is too young to call me anything but they refer to me as mummy to her - “let’s go get mummy” “mummy’s going to put you to bed” and call me by my name. We’re extremely close, I love them to bits, they’re a huge part of my family and my life, they’re here loads, we’re a well established unit. We don’t need them to call me anything other than the name they got to know me with to signify any of that.

Two years ago you had a baby with another man. You’ve only been with your boyfriend a year. You hopefully haven’t known his daughter anywhere near a year. Slow down. Be grateful it’s going well so far but a year is a short amount of time and all this very little girl is trying to tell you is that she’s confused about her place is this quickly changing landscape.

Final thought, you marrying her dad, if that’s going to happen, doesn’t mean your relationship with her will change so don’t factor that into the title discussion.

BeanJen how would you feel if your 2 yo started calling someone else mummy in the future?

Auntie Jen is the way to go. Affectionate but not treading on toes. I'm a stepmum and never would use a form of mum

I’d let her call you ‘mummy Jen’

My friends dds call their step dad ‘daddy Peter. He put in just as much work as their bio dad does and they love him dearly. I think they also felt a lot more included in the family unit.

@Flower1309 why do I have to say nice things about her mum? She's not a good person. I don't have to lie. People may think I'm taking sides, but she's not and I don't have to go into detail. I also have a decent relationship with her in which I go out of my way to be nice to her because I believe children come first. But I don't have to lie on this anonymous post surely. She's a bad parent. I would never ever intimate this to DSD.

She probably wants to feel part of the family, so wants to call you mummy because your daughter does.

I wouldn’t discourage it, and allow her to call you what she likes. She may stick with mummy, but may call you something else when she’s older, or feels more secure within the family. It should be her decision, not that of the adults around her.

but I'm not allowed to seek an alternative name for my step daughter to call me other than my first name because how dare I have a parental relationship with a child I'm not biologically related to?

Eh? That’s the exact opposite of what I said.
Find a special name together if you want, and her dad thinks that appropriate, but as multiple PP have pointed out, mummy is taken.

because how dare I have a parental relationship with a child I'm not biologically related to

How you can say that to Somerville after she’s explained her own situation and experience is staggering. Her husband literally adopted the children she had with her late husband. That’s so far from you dating a bloke for a year and looking after his child half the term I’m utterly baffled you’re comparing. Have a word with yourself.

I'm not technically her mother You’re her dad’s girlfriend OF A YEAR.