Should I let my step-daughter call me mummy?

[BeanJen]

My stepdaughter is 5 y/o, she has known me for over a year now, my partner has 50/50 custody and we all live together- she has her own bedroom in my house etc. I have a 2 y/o daughter myself and we're an extremely happy family. The girls love each other and call each other sisters, genuinely I feel very lucky to have made such a bond with her and I love the absolute bones of her she is wonderful. The other day she asked out of the blue if she could call me mummy. I said no (because her mummy wouldn't like it.) and she dropped it for a bit but often comes back to it, calling me mummy whenever she fancies etc. I have said at least wait until I marry your father, but I don't think it's going away in her head. I personally think it's wonderful she feels that close to me. I certainly consider her my daughter, I'm a stay at home mum and take care of her by myself often, but as a birth mother myself I'm extremely wary of how her mum will feel. She's not exactly the kind of person who would be ok with whatever makes her daughter happy. She is in fact the opposite of that, and would certainly kick up an almighty storm. The other day she was in my house and there was a funny picture of me and stepdaughter on the wall and she lost it and started swearing at my partner in front of the kids that it ought to be her in the picture... any suggestions as to what alternative she could call me? I feel like she really doesn't want to call me by my name any more so I need to give her some sort of title idea to side step the issue!

This thread has really made me realise how I wish I had a special name for my step mum from a young age.

Trying very hard not to grumpy about it!!

op if I were you - I’d discourage anything mummy / mum-like but I’d encourage a new name that your DSD likes (with her Dads help!) But that’s just my opinion.

Something like your first name, shortened & repeated. Like Beanbean / Jenjen / Beebee / JayJay.

One year is nothing. You can't have even been with her Dad that long if you have a 2 year old that isn't his.

She's not exactly the kind of person who would be ok with whatever makes her daughter happy.
I appreciate that she has one of those, but it's amazing how that applies no matter how shit the actual parent is.

That's really bitchy, these people are really new in your life I'd bet you don't have the full picture.

I'd go for a nn like 'Mimi' if shes so desperate not to use your name.

I'm a step child and call my step dad by his first name. My step brothers use mum for my mum though. Each to their own! We're all happy with it.

You’ve known this child for a year and you aren’t married to her dad, nor are you her mum.

She has a mum, that’s not you. You’re her dads girlfriend.

She should call you by your name.

I’m a DSM. I’ve been in the kids lives for almost 6 years. I would never want them to call me mum. I’m not.

Oh now she's a bad parent. But instead of your OH addressing this, he moved his daughter in with you and your baby after one year of knowing you, instead of focussing on stability for his daughter

Wow @AnneLovesGilbert calm down judgey. My DD is nearly 3. My husband left me shortly after my DD was born because he realised family life wasn't for him. I fought very hard to save my marriage but he was having none of it. Certainly not my choice. I met my partner when DD was a year old and I was apprehensive but it is just right with all 4 of us. we moved in a year later. I don't owe anyone an explanation but for those that think I have moved quickly you honestly don't know what you're talking about.
It's a personal feeling I suppose the title thing. But just because you don't feel it doesn't mean I don't. my first name (not Jen I'm afraid everyone) doesn't lend itself to a nickname and I was only posting to see if anyone had an idea I hadn't come up with.

@offlikeabanger how is a happy family home not providing stability? We are good parents who always focus on what's best for our children and are planning to get married I literally don't get the problem.

My friends DSD calls her DH (DSD dad) dad and also calls her mums dh (so her step dad) dad too.

She lives with her mum and SD. He's raised her.

Her dad is her dad.

My ds sometimes calls my dad "dad" instead of grandad. His dad isn't around and disappeared when he was 2. We just don't say anything.

I just don't see how your opinion on her mother is relevant to your question. It's like you thought it was going to help your case in your title. It doesn't.

Thanks, AnnelovesGilbert
I thought I’d give the OP the benefit of the doubt that she was maybe not keeping track of user names, so kept my feelings about her hurtful remark to myself. But given her reaction to you pointing it out was attacking you, I’ve decided OP is either goading for the fun of it, or a complete narc.
I’ll be hiding the thread now.

I’m perfectly calm thank you and I’ve been a step mum an awful lot longer than you have. You’ve been given a lot of good ideas and plenty of excellent advice but you don’t seem remotely open minded to listening to it which is shame, for you. You’ve got the benefit of wisdom posters have gained as step parents and step children and you’d do well to listen to it but up to you.

I literally don't get the problem.

I can see that. People like you and your boyfriend never do.

You a YEAR in. That’s nothing, you are her dads girlfriend.

My step daughter and I always joked about the evil step mothers in Disney films. But that there was also lots of good ones out there to. So we decided she’d call me Marmite instead of my name because people seem to love or hate step mothers (on tv). It stuck and she still calls me that as an adult. It does get some funny looks in shops though!! 😂

Not read the thread, but could you pick a term from another language to use instead? Look them up together and choose one?

I really don’t see the problem here, OP.

The situation is very clear and straightforward. You are not this child’s mother. You are her dad’s girlfriend. She should, therefore, call you ‘Jen’ or whatever your real first name is. There is absolutely nothing ‘inappropriate’ about that at all.

I call my mum’s husband ‘Tom’, and I have never thought of or referred to him as my stepfather, because he isn’t. He’s a perfectly nice bloke, to whom my mother happens to be married. And that’s all he is.

Thepigeonsarecoming bloody brilliant. Love it!!

mimsy
No don’t call anything other than your fanny mimsy.

I called my stepmum cowface for 25years (obv not to her face or my dad but everyone else knew who I meant). She’s only started being nice to me in the past 5 or so years. i Think OP if you can talk with the child and your partner and come up with another nickname then go for it. I was all for saying there’s nothing wrong with calling a step parent mum or dad but not after a year. I’ve had mould in cups longer than that.

But your relationship could so easily end. You hardly know each other after only a year and with failed marriages between you. You must not let your Boyfriends child call you 'mummy' it's ridiculous and totally unrealistic.

You are in no way a 'mummy' figure.

Any reason you are so keen on this? I wonder?

Honestly, how hard can it be to find a substitute? Take the first letter of your name, 'double' it, and give it a 'sound'. CeCe, DeeDee, KayKay (or KiKi), MiMi, NeNe, even RayRay or 'Essie' if your name starts with S. Or find foreign words for Auntie; like Zia, Tia or Tante.

You're making this difficult on yourself. Why?

OP I don’t know how long you’ve been on Mumsnet but step mothers can be given a hard time and of course some people are just plain rude and unpleasant.

It is clear you were asking for an alternative to mum / mummy which is sensible and some PPs have given some good suggestions.

It’s lovely to see a post that shows blended families work well. How great it is to hear your obviously love for a little girl who has become part of your family. You care enough to want to have a special name and not upset or confuse anyone. Well done you. She is such a little girl and she must think a lot of you. Just don’t worry. Correct her when she says it. Even call your self 2 (two) or Bessie for best mate. A name will come.
I wish you well. Carry on making this little girl part of your family that’s the main thing. 💐

My BFF called her late stepmom 'Birdie'. Even she doesn't remember why or where it came from.

We have a blended family and dsc have lived with us from being young but never called me Mum (unless by accident). They have a mum so I think it’s incredibly disrespectful to her even though I was the one who actually did the role.
Never confusing for anyone - even youngest dc who we had together never thought it odd that her siblings called me something different to her. I never correct anyone (and neither do they) who presumes I am as too difficult to explain.

Nope. Reasons being:

1. It is super disrespectful to her actual mum. You may be ok if your daughter called another woman mum, but that doesnt mean everyone has to be
2. It will cause confusion among teachers/friends etc
3. She hasn't known you anywhere near long enough and is far too young to make such an attachment
4. It may upset your daughter in the long run - you are her mummy, nobody else's (for now)

I know it seems sweet OP but she is five years old. You have to be the mature adult and be firm that while you care about her, you are not her mummy.

She wont thank you for it further down the line if you encourage it and it causes resentment between her and her actual mum.

I find there to be a culture these days of step families encouraging the kids to call the new partner mum/dad, it seems to fulfil the emotional needs of the parents to act like their ex never existed and that they are one big happy family. Which might work with little kids but is a recipe for disaster as they grow up.

I dont mean this all to sound too harsh OP but it sounds like something you shouldn't get carried away with. Good luck