Stepkids rooms' question

[cantstopstressing]

DP and I have been together for nearly a decide. He and his two kids, now agreed 16 and 14. moved in with us about 4 years ago. I live with my two DSs, 11 and 9, in my house which I owned with my ex before I met DP. DSCs moved in, taking a room each, one of which was my office. DP earns a lot less than me and contributes only a couple of £100 each month in rent (which is £2,700 in total). DSCs spend 50% of their time with us and 50% with their mum and have a room each at both houses.

My question is, given that DSD is 17 this year, how long is it reasonable to have to provide her with her own room, especially given that she has her own room at her mum's. I work from home a lot and really need my office back. I am wondering for how long the 50/50 split is tenable once kids are past 16 and have their own lives. Obviously DP will want her to keep a room for as long as possible but, given that it's my job that pays 90% of the mortgage, I really need to take back my office. Also, in London where space/rooms are a premium, it seems really excessive to have a room in both houses (mum and dad) which are only used 50 of the time. Even if I don't use the room as an office, I would like to consider using it for an au-pair for my older kids.

I can’t really see why this man is living with you if he and his children are such an inconvenience.

Probably the cheap as chips use of a house big enough for his kids to each have their own room... Room and board for three of them for a couple of hundred a month. Bargain.

I think a bigger issue is your long term future. You don't want him having interest in 'your' house, you don't want to subsidise his life, you don't want 'his' children having a room each whilst yours share etc... where do you see this relationship actually going if you want everything so separate?

I'm not judging by the way, I think I'd be the same but it's interesting how even after a decade together they are still 'his' children despite being 4 and 7 when you got together so long enough for them to bond and becomes yours too in a way?! I guess I mean that you could ask for more money, you could tell them they get a shared room now, you could move somewhere that isn't £2700 a month (!!) but I'd be asking what you want from this long term. Surely marriage, together forever type stuff means none of this actually matters as the house is both of yours etc

@Lowprofilename the first paragraph tells you everyone's ages

Put that on the relationship's board. If a woman moved into a man's house and he demanded that an older child have their bedroom removed because he wanted his office back, there would be cries of LTB
That exactly! The double standards on this forum is unbelievable!

I've been with my oh for 15 years, moved into his house, contributed less due to higher outgoings. If 5 years ago he was still referring to the house as his and insisted that the kids bedrooms were emptied to accommodate him, I would have been gone.

However, if he is happy with the situation, then fool him. You go ahead OP and tell him that's it's your house, you can do what you want her bedroom emptied the second she's done with her A levels and she can go and live with her mum.

Agree that when she goes to uni, she should no longer have a large room reserved for her just for holidays.

Meantime, can there be a desk in her room on the understanding that you will work in there when she is away?

On the finances: how about having DH buy all the groceries or something rather than pay you more money directly. Since I've been on maternity pay, I no longer pay 'rent' to my DP but instead I cover our baby expenses and some big food shops. That is one way around the disparity in income as it gives flexibility and doesn't give interest in the property.

Since I've been on maternity pay, I no longer pay 'rent' to my DP but instead I cover our baby expenses and some big food shops. That is one way around the disparity in income as it gives flexibility and doesn't give interest in the property.

Going off on a slight tangent but why the hell are you having a baby with a man who expects you to pay him rent?

We have a similar set up. A little harder because we have all our children through every school holiday.

We have to have space to work from home, so an area was made in one of the DSS bedroom. Desk in a corner to allow comfortable working from home.

When calls need to be made DSS uses the lounge for chilling, at other times my DH works on his computer in the corner of the bedroom.

We have given our DSS a huge wall mounted TV as compensation and ear pods/ headphones so it can be listened to quietly. He feels happy he gets to use his TV.

It's working, not a perfect system but it's working. Once the first child moves out for uni it frees up a room anyhow. It's just fumbling along so your work isn't impacted until that room is freed up.

I understand you wanting to protect your home. But I too question if this relationship is your forever relationship if you are not seeing a future whereby you marry and share assets.

We have been through this, so we had a 3 bed house, which was the master room for me and my partner, the double for my 2 year old and 14yr old SD, the smallest room for my two SS 13 and 16. When we got our loft renovated the youngest SS just assumed that that would now become a 4th bedroom for either him or his brother.
To which we said no because then we would have 2.5 rooms lying vacant for most of the month and it's a silly waste when it's not needed for 4 nights a month except holidays.

I think I need to understand the backstory here about why your DC are sharing to allow your SDC to have a room each half of the week. It was never practical to start with, and onw it's been 4 years it is difficult to change. I also think there is a huge issue in how much your DP contributes to the household.

HI OP,

I think you need to tell your DP that it is not working for you and he needs to find his pwn place for him and his DC.

Kind of like the way we are advising the woman whose DP wants to move into her 2 bed flat - you should not have let him move in, but now you have, you need to get him to leave.

Did he keep his old place? Where was he living before he moved in with you? He needs to house his own DC and you need to house your DC.

And people who say it is different for women, no, if women move in like this they are also called out on here (I cannot see a woman moving into a man's 4-bed, which he pays 90% towards, and demanding that her DC who stay 50% of the time get a room each and the DC who live there 100% share).

@Annasgirl, it's been 4 years, why would he keep a place of his own?

And yes, it is very common for single mums to move in with their new partner, to continue to work 16h or less, expecting joint finances and treating his much higher income and assets as joint.

The fact that women do it doesn't make it right, though. I don't think it's right for people of either sex to contribute so little and expect their partner to fund them and their children, unless they are shared children and obviously share the responsibility.

What’s the point of this? Is his only contribution his penis? Why not just date without the burden of him and his kids dossing about your property? The sole point of a relationship is it’s meant to be fun , it’s meant to enhance your life, it was a huge blunder to let these people move into your property to begin with, so put an end to it.

I can't see any problem in theory with getting your DP to pay more without getting an interest in your property. He and his DC are lodgers and you can have him sign a lodgers agreement and charge him rent at anything up to a decent commercial level. Lodgers do not acquire an interest in the property.

The problem really though is that he says he won't pay more unless he gets an interest in the house. That is pretty nasty in my view. He would rather sponge off you - and let's be frank here, the money he is saving by not paying a proper share could be used to pay into your pension for your future.

That would be enough for me to kick him and his DC out, much less the fact that you can't have an office for yourself in your own house.

I think I'd probably go see a solicitor to get advice whereby he's properly contributing to the household and not having that hold over your property.
And I think that'll be telling, where he's a proper member of the family or he's a secret cock lodger

Thank you all. DP was in a one bed flat before he moved in. His kids, who were 6 and 8 or 9 when we met shared the one bedroom when they stayed and he slept on the sofa. Clearly only sustainable when they were younger so I am really not sure what would have happened as no way could he afford a 3 bed flat unless he moved out of London. That's what irks I guess. TBH, I've never been happy with it but I fell in love with him and he comes with his kids so I tried to get on with it. But no, I don't see them as mine nor do I see us as one big family. They are obviously very happy with the living arrangements as they get a lovely big house, nice room each. I do need to talk to DP about it but am pretty sure it will lead to us breaking up.

Poor DSC.

I think that the crux of the issue is that you don't see them as family after all of this time. And you've very much maintained that they're pretty much the ideology that the 3 of them are tenants rather than embracing it as a blended family. That imo is the bigger issue here. The office is a side issue.

If you want the relationship to work, then really whatever you instigate re the eldest needs to be then applied to your children. So if at 18 you're not expecting her to use her "home" as a base then that needs to be the same for your two, which I somehow doubt is your intention!

I work from home, have a desk, printing area, WiFi phone and other expected paraphernalia but no longer have a dedicated room per se, but a specific area within a downstairs room. Can you really not do similar and then try to focus on actually making this relationship work?

I feel really bad for your stepkids and their dad. You have been with their dad for almost a decade. They live with you half the time, but you don't see them as family. You seem to resent the three of them. That can't be a healthy environment for your own kids to grow up in either.

No one is saying keep the room sacred - but the no space at all attitude is v harsh.

i dont get the set up at all, how the DP in this case feels secure with such a big obvious and inyour face - its mine attitudeI do not know.

I think those being unfair to OP have the rose tinted step kids are perfect specs on.
Her DP upgraded from a one bedroom flat to a lovely family home with a room for everyone, he barely pays his way for himself or his kids, he offers no support regards childcare and his teens are lazy messy slobs.
The OP is being used here and treated badly in her own home, neither her DP or his kids show any respect for the person they are freeloading from.

I think this is a smoke screen the OP is barring a huge burden I'm not sure how you ended up in this situation but it sounds like the relationship has run its course

Time to be honest and separate

I'm not surprised op doesn't feel like a happy blended family. Dp doesn't pay his way. Sc seem to like the rooms but don't help or seem polite.

How does your dc feel about the situation. Would they miss the bigger family.