Stepkids rooms' question

[cantstopstressing]

DP and I have been together for nearly a decide. He and his two kids, now agreed 16 and 14. moved in with us about 4 years ago. I live with my two DSs, 11 and 9, in my house which I owned with my ex before I met DP. DSCs moved in, taking a room each, one of which was my office. DP earns a lot less than me and contributes only a couple of £100 each month in rent (which is £2,700 in total). DSCs spend 50% of their time with us and 50% with their mum and have a room each at both houses.

My question is, given that DSD is 17 this year, how long is it reasonable to have to provide her with her own room, especially given that she has her own room at her mum's. I work from home a lot and really need my office back. I am wondering for how long the 50/50 split is tenable once kids are past 16 and have their own lives. Obviously DP will want her to keep a room for as long as possible but, given that it's my job that pays 90% of the mortgage, I really need to take back my office. Also, in London where space/rooms are a premium, it seems really excessive to have a room in both houses (mum and dad) which are only used 50 of the time. Even if I don't use the room as an office, I would like to consider using it for an au-pair for my older kids.

"Decade" not "decide".

Just tell him. He's a cock ledger and should be paying much more if he expects his kids to have a room each.

Give the girl a month to organise her stuff to be fair.

I'm more inclined to ask you why your partner doesn't contribute more financially to the household expenses? It sounds like he's taking you for a ride.

I work from home a lot but I don't have a dedicated 'home office.' Work from a bar stool at my kitchen island most of the time. 4 bed house, one child of my own and two step-sons. They all have their own rooms even though the stepkids are only with us 3 nights a week (and actually the eldest is now at Uni and just has the box room which is now our spare room the rest of the time if he wants to come and stay).

Where else would you propose that the 17 year old sleeps when she's with you? You don't say whether the other step-child is the same sex and therefore could she share? I think maybe what you're indirectly saying is how long will she want to stay at her dad's house? When my stepson (18) is home from Uni he still comes to stay with us for a couple of nights a week as he wants to see his dad.

DP doesn't pay more as he doesn't earn that much, although he definitely could afford more than he is paying, but also because I don't want him to have an interest in my house. If he pays more then he wants those payments to contribute to the mortgage which I don't want. I went through a long divorce battle with my ex to stay in the house and do not want anyone else to have an interest in it.

The 17 year old is a girl and 14 year old is a boy so I assume they can;'t share? I guess one suggestion would be for DSD and I to both use her room (it's quite big) so it's not really her bedroom, just a room she uses when she stays, and also my office. I have a lot of calls etc, papers, etc and need peace and quiet - currently work in my bedroom which isn't ideal. Just pisses me off I am paying a massive mortgage and can't use the house I live in.

I think it’s going to be really difficult to take back her room unless she starts spending a lot less time with you by her own choice. If she was to naturally do that then you could make it into an office/spare room for her but I don’t think you can make the 17 and 14 year old share.
If she’s not there when you need to use it during the week I think you could make it into an office/bedroom but I’m not sure what you’d do if she’s there when you need it

I’m astounded that your monthly costs are £2700 and gives you a few £100 and has bedrooms for his kids who live there half the time; which will mean he doesn’t pay CM, he’s a chancer. Definitely increase his contribution.
Is DSD going to uni? tell him it’s unsustainable for you to support 3 extra ppl on his paltry contribution.

JKScot, what about the fact that I don't want to him to get a financial interest in the house? I love him to bits but I honestly wish they had never moved in. I hate having to house them. Fine if it was weekends only but just seems to excessive to have a two rooms each! Especially in London!

I'm more inclined to ask you why your partner doesn't contribute more financially to the household expenses? It sounds like he's taking you for a ride

Perhaps he’s a SAHD or works part time to facilitate having his kids 50:50 and taking care of o/p’s, school runs etc.

Has he reduced his career for kids and to aid o/p’s?

We don’t know the circumstance. You assume cocklodger, which may well be true, but if a female is lower earner, does the childcare and enables her husband to work, and he won’t put her on the deeds/mortgage of their shared house, different response.

It depends on where she goes to uni (local or far). Contact with my dad didn't change until I moved near him, during my teens and at uni I was at his a weekend every few weeks. During my gap year, when not travelling I was 50:50 his and my mum's (in spells of a few weeks at a time).
You shouldn't have moved DH in if you'd be resentful of the money.
Can any of the boys share?

I think you can still charge him a reasonable amount of rent (and make him pay for his kids food - does he even do that?) without him having a claim on the house. And if you wished they'd never moved in, boot him out and make him responsible for housing his own kids! Entirely your choice. But at the moment I feel like he is taking the piss. Just because he doesn't earn much, it shouldn't fall to you to subsidise his lifestyle and kids. What would have happened if he'd never met you?

I can honestly say that if my husband lived with me and paid diddly squat towards the household expenses I would resent him massively.

No, DP does not do any childcare for my two DCs nor has he changed his lifestyle for me. Same job as before i met him.

Negomi, why should my two DCs (who are there 100% of the time) share a room to make way for DSD who is there 50% of the time, especially given that I am paying 90% of the mortgage?

And that is exactly what is worrying me most. That DSD will take a gap year and then spend even more time here. She already does nothing around the house (can't even wash up a cup) so the idea of her sat around all day whilst I work full time to pay for the house is some what worrying. If she didn't have a perfectly good room/home at her mum's I would feel very differently, but she does.

Well that's a whole different issue OP and I feel your pain there. But your partner needs to ensure that his kids are pulling their weight around the house.

In terms of how long do you keep a large bedroom for her sole use, the way we've looked at it is that when eldest went to Uni, his (bigger) room was passed to his younger brother and now when he's back from Uni he sleeps in the box room if he wants to stay with us.

She can still contribute more for living costs, you pay mortgage and he pays a large wedge of bills/groceries and hugely pulls his weight in the house.
He does no childcare for you yet you house his kids??
Ffs he is a cocklodging get.

Noted you’re not married, I’d be moving him out, it’s not as if he makes your life easier; financially or domestically.
Hope he’s a good ride at least 🙄

It's a bit unfair to call him a cocklodger when it's the OP's choice not to let him pay more because she doesn't want him to have a claim on the house.

To be honest, it sounds like the main issue is that the OP isn't really committed to the relationship which is fine but then why live together?

It does sound like this isn't working for you, despite you saying you love him. I've regretted moving in with people in the past, and to some extent also with my current DP. If I could afford to live alone with my children, and still see my DP, I would. Can you imagine a life without the three of them, or is that something you couldn't do. I think you need to give serious thought to where the relationship is going.

Partition the room with kallax or a room divider and reclaim half for your office. You're right, it is a ridiculous situation. And as you the office to make money to pay for her damn room it makes sense you have an office space.

B&Q sell a room divider which goes floor to ceiling and screws into the wall very simply.

www.diy.com/departments/karalis-cut-out-adjustable-height-room-divider/1012710_BQ.prd

Thanks Pista, that is how I feel, i.e. it's not really working, but I don;'t see another solution other than DP and I breaking up so trying to grin and bear it but wish there was an end in sight. Obviously he needs to see his kids, I just wish I didn't have to have to provide them a home.

So basically what you're really asking is "can I kick my DSD out?"

To which I guess the answer is "yes, but it will massively negatively impact on your relationship with her and her relationship with her dad, and you'd kind of be asking her dad to chose between you and her".

how is your relationship with your sD?

Op. Re how much he pays you.

You and he can get a co-habitting Agreement drawn up. Which outlines what costs he needs to contribute to without him having a claim in the property. And it would be far more than a few hundred pounds a month. That’s a laughable amount. Your challenge is getting him to sign it now that he has his feet under your table so to speak. But if he loves you and appreciates you, he should sign it.

I’m curious. If he earns so little how did he afford to house them/ feed them pre moving in?

There is absolutely no way I would sign up to this and nor would I let it continue.

But what isn’t clear to me from your post is whether you’d rather just have them out (and the money part is largely irrelevant). Or whether you’d like this to work but for everyone to pull their weight a little more (including financially and practically).

Is she planning on going to Uni? That would give you a good time to make changes.

Living together should reduce living costs for both of you, not just him! If it’s only helping him then you are being taken advantage of.

He would have to private rent if he didn’t live with you and pay all the bills so if you are paying all the mortgage he could pay all the other bills (which will come to a lot more than 200 a month in London)

FWIW this is the arrangement I have with my partner, he pays the mortgage, I pay the other bills (gas, electric, council tax, water, internet). It works out for both of us as bills are about half the cost of private renting for me and means for him he can just focus on the mortgage.