Stepkids rooms' question

[cantstopstressing]

DP and I have been together for nearly a decide. He and his two kids, now agreed 16 and 14. moved in with us about 4 years ago. I live with my two DSs, 11 and 9, in my house which I owned with my ex before I met DP. DSCs moved in, taking a room each, one of which was my office. DP earns a lot less than me and contributes only a couple of £100 each month in rent (which is £2,700 in total). DSCs spend 50% of their time with us and 50% with their mum and have a room each at both houses.

My question is, given that DSD is 17 this year, how long is it reasonable to have to provide her with her own room, especially given that she has her own room at her mum's. I work from home a lot and really need my office back. I am wondering for how long the 50/50 split is tenable once kids are past 16 and have their own lives. Obviously DP will want her to keep a room for as long as possible but, given that it's my job that pays 90% of the mortgage, I really need to take back my office. Also, in London where space/rooms are a premium, it seems really excessive to have a room in both houses (mum and dad) which are only used 50 of the time. Even if I don't use the room as an office, I would like to consider using it for an au-pair for my older kids.

A couple of hundred quid?! Where's the rest of his money going?

Surely he would need to be paying significantly more than his current 8% before he had a financial interest in the house?

Does he pay anything for bills, council tax, energy, etc?

I'd be telling him he needs to pay nearer to whatever he'd pay in rent for a 3 bed flat, plus food and bills. He doesn't like it, he can lump it. Then actually pay to a landlord.

Use the extra to build a garden office?

Is DSD going to learn to drive soon? If so and her Mum lives locally surely she can drive over to visit her Dad and drive back to her Mum's after?

Once she turns 18 I don't think that a fully fledged adult needs to have two bedrooms in two different houses. Having a bedroom in both houses when children are young is all about having a baby sitter and overnight care. At 18 she's old enough to sleep anywhere on her own without another adult supervision.

@Pilot12 - or she might prefer to live with her dad and visit her mum?

Here's me thinking that the reason DCs of divorced DPs have a bedroom at both properties is to ensure they still feel like part of each family, but no apparently it's just about babysitting.

I like the partition idea would that work ? Or if not you claim it back as your office but keep a fold out bed there so DSD can still use it.

I think if you are a blended family then you need to work together to make the family work, and that includes enough room to sleep in. You are acting like this girl is a lodger rather than a family member.
I think your argument that your partner's contribution to the household expenses must be kept low due to preventing him having a claim on the house is not correct (but I am not a lawyer so do not know) - surely you have alot more expenses other than your mortgage that he could cover. If you shared all your other bills surely his contributions would be much higher than a couple hundred pounds!

I disagree pipandmum. Blending is about both sides giving/ taking. Compromising. Contributing. And pulling their weight. Be it financially or practically. From what I can tell this man has his himself housed 100% of the time and his children housed 50% of the time for a few hundred quid! And doesn’t contribute/ help the OP practically in anyway. That’s not blending. It’s taking someone for a ride.

I would work out costs as:

Joint bills minus mortgage (so council tax, food, utilities, tv etc)

Then workout what percentage your incomes are of the household income and then pay the joint bills proportionately to income.

If he won’t do that then you have a bigger problem than rooms.

Would a divider work so the step kids have half a room each?

Like a PP I'm a bit confused about what your issue actually is.

1. Is it about your partner not really contributing and feeling like you're being taken advantage of?

1. Is it about resenting your step children being there 50/50 and wanting to change that?

1. Or is it really about needing to reorganise the space in your house? I suspect not as you've commented later that you might not even use the room for an office, it might be for an au pair.

You need to work out what the issue really is.

If it's 1 then you need to sit down and discuss this with your partner and end it or say you want to live apart if you really feel like this isn't working for you.

If it's 2 then I think you're being very unfair. I'm guessing your step daughter wasn't given a huge amount of choice over where her father lives and therefore where she'll have to 50% of her time. Don't try and force
her out, that's cruel. If you don't want to be a step parent don't be one.

If it genuinely is about needing an office then talk to her about it, see how you can both organise that space so you can use it when she's not there but I think you'd be unreasonable to expect to use it when she's with you and her dad.

Here's me thinking that the reason DCs of divorced DPs have a bedroom at both properties is to ensure they still feel like part of each family, but no apparently it's just about babysitting

Sometimes it’s simply not possible though. Splitting one family home into two homes with enough bedrooms doesn’t go. Many nrp’s find themselves struggling to rent or buy a 2 or 3 bed property with no capital plus a lower salary value when CM is taken into account- especially if the family home is retained by the rp because otherwise the kids wouldn’t have a bedroom at all.

My dp was in that situation. He had to sign over his share of his house to his ex and move in with his parents. There was no way to sell a 3 bed house for and adult, son and daughter and buy two 3 beds in the same area.

So when he moved in with me at least his kids were no longer on his mums floor or sofa. But they had to share, you can’t fit 4 kids in a 3 bed house, and where does the money come from to buy a 5 bed?

What does half of all household bills and expenses minus the mortgage look like? There’s your starting point for what he should be contributing.
As PPs have said either get a co-habitation agreement drawn up or kick him out. The resentment of being the one having to endlessly give way in order to “compromise” and “blend” is already starting to wear on you - it won’t get better without serious change.

If she’s finished with education I don’t think there is any reason for her to have 2 bedrooms and be doing 50/50. I think a grown up conversation needs to happen about what she would like to do with the arrangement moving forward. Also I think you could easily reclaim her bedroom as your office but have a space in there for her when she does want to stay (maybe a nice pull out bed?). Then she won’t feel she has no where to stay when she wants to see you guys.
I have had a similar situation with my DSS. He’s just gone to join the army, I had a baby 6 months ago who has been in with me. But I’m now really wanting to move him into his own room. I persuaded my husband that it was ridiculous that our son here all the time was cramped up in our bedroom while DSS bedrooms were empty half the time. We are now going to be moving the baby into his own room and will make do when DSS comes back on leave and weekends. DSS def understands and actually exactly the same has happened at his mothers.

it's not really her bedroom, just a room she uses when she stays, and also my office.

This is what needs to happen. In my experience it's fairly conventional for parents to slowly start making use of children's former bedrooms when they go away to uni. My parents used my sisters bedroom as a guest room once she left, and it was redecorated. She ended up moving back in sfter uni, but there was no point in not utilising the space when she wasn't there.

I would definitely consider whether you actually want him living there and contributing so little, though. It definitely does not sound like a fair arrangement.

How long have you lived together?

As others have said, there are a bunch of different issues at play here.

You’ll struggle to kick her out of her room.
He should be paying more. What percentages of your income are you each paying towards running your home?
How was he finding his housing and his kids before he moved in?
She should be washing cups. All the children should be pitching in. You need house rules. If you didn’t set some up before cohabiting you need to do it now and get DP on board.
Is he bringing enough positive to your life to balance out the many irritations of paying for him and housing him and his kids?
It’s not inevitable that you’ll split up if you live apart. Float the idea and see what he says? You know if things carry on as they are you'll get more miserable by the day and resentment will kill all the love.

I agree with @veryphishy. I’m not really sure what your issue is. If it’s that your DSD has a bedroom in two houses then you need to reassess your relationship with your DP.

Sorry DSD you have had a home with us for 4 years - been in your life for a decade,now bog off and live with your Mum or find your own place.

Right

You sound like you don’t really like your step-children but are tolerating them. I think it’s a bit mean to evict them as soon as they turned 18.

My son moved away and my dh has moved uses his desk now as his own. However, when DS comes home, it reverts to being ds’s bedroom.

If dd take a gap year and lives at yours longer, it’s not unreasonable to charge her board and lodgings.

Oh for gods sake!
When my ds 1 went to uni I gave his ensuite bedroom to his younger sister & moved him into a much small room. Did he feel unloved? No - because he got that him not living here ft would see a large en-suite room go to waste!
He's now 23 (and still in ft education) & I'm moving to a much smaller house & he's been told 'his' room will also have to treble up as a spare room & office. Does he feel unloved? No - because again he gets it!
Op shouldn't have to leave sdc's room like some bloody shire to be used on and off - there's NO reason sdc can't double up with an office! Honestly the pandering to dc, esp sdc that goes on nowadays is just ridiculous.

Wow he's got it made hasn't he. Calling all the shots whilst making nominal payments of his own.

This is the problem when one earns so much less in a blended family. You're really carrying him financially with such a small contribution.

It's such an imbalance. Talk to your DP about needing office space. It's your house...he just lives with you and shouldn't expect his kids to have a room each in your house.

Did he have a 3 bedroomed house before he moved in?

Do you get on well with his daughter?

It seems you've given up a fair bit of space and feel invaded in your own home.

Will you be removing bedrooms from your own children when they reach the age of 17? No? Thought not.

Just pisses me off I am paying a massive mortgage and can't use the house I live in
You've been together 10 years, living together 4 years and you still see it as your house and that you should do whatever you want? You say yourself you don't want him to pay more so that he has no entitlement to the house.

Frankly, if it was the other way around, he would be told to leave you as you are clearly treating him and his kids as burden lodgers. I could understand if you'd been together 2 years, just moved in ect... but after 10 years together, it is quite insulting and I'm surprised he is happy with that situation. So what that he earns less than you, why does it always have to the men earning more? He had his children half of the time, and maybe decided that his career came after looking after them.

Does he and his kids even feel at home in YOUR house? My situation is a bit similar, except that my earning are on the same level but I have much more outgoings, so we agreed when I moved into his house that I would pay a smaller ratio of the mortgage and bills, but this was on the clear understanding that we would be married within a couple of years. No way I would have moved with him if I'd thought that I would still be paying him 'rent' for his house after 10 years together.

As for the room for his dd, there is no fast rules. My children are both at Uni and they still have their room to come back to. We intend to move when they have both a definite place of their own, but if we were desperate for place and they were only here 50% of the time, I would have discussed it with them after Xmas of their first year at Uni, once they'd settled there.

Sorry OP, but you’re not coming across well. I can’t really see why this man is living with you if he and his children are such an inconvenience. I suggest you’re honest with him, tell him you don’t want his children living there anymore and then help him find a new place to live.
You have known his dd for 10 years and now want her out? If after living with you got 4 years she’s still being lazy, treating the place like a hotel, maybe she senses you don’t see her as part of the family.

I disagree. OP is coming over as perfectly rational. Her house, her money. She needs the room. That's it. She gets the room.

You haven't had an office in 4 years. Why do you so desperately need it now?

You can't take her room off her without basically asking her dad to pick between the two of you.

You resent his low wage and you resent his children. You probably should have considered that before letting him move in.

He should be paying towards all the other bills proportionally. Can you get a legal document drawn up that explicitly says he has no claim to your house if you separate?

OP is coming over as perfectly rational. Her house, her money. She needs the room. That's it. She gets the room

Put that on the relationship's board. If a woman moved into a man's house and he demanded that an older child have their bedroom removed because he wanted his office back, there would be cries of LTB. It would be considered abuse if the situation were the other way round.

I totally get the need to protect her own property - I would not move in with someone for this reason myself. However, I am aware that there are legal means of protecting what you own in new relationships. Fact is, it suits the OP not to have to share properly which is fine. But she can't expect her long term partner to throw out his child because it no longer suits her. And that's exactly what she is asking him to do. Imagine if the OP were a step father in the mother's house?!