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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Looking after SC alone? is it wrong to say no?

68 replies

Songbird232018 · 02/03/2020 20:21

So after a heated weekend I'm asking for advice here. Backstory partner and I have been together 6years. 2 year old son together and I have 3 SC which we have every Thursday for tea, EOW and half holidays, an all round pretty standard arrangement.

Now I was around the kids for 4 years before I became a parent myself and we all do have a good relationship however the one area that I always did draw the line with was having the children alone overnight (partner works nights but his shifts normally are no issue) alternate arrangements were always made if needed. Now my partner and his brother have arranged to go on a boys camping weekend with their sons which is fine and all are looking forward too..

However I assumed this would take place on a non kid weekend so his brothers girls (4 and 6) would stay with their mom and my partners daughter (14) would also be at her mums. Not the case my partner said his brothers kids are going to their parents and why cant I have his daughter for the weekend and do girly activities. Now we on well and I was planning something for a day time on the weekend with her but I absolutely do not want the sole responsiblty all weekend. Her mum and i have never spoke and have no relationship so that's a reason as well as I just dont feel it's my responsibility and I have never been comfortable with this.

Huge row later..am i wrong or do I stand my ground and make him make other arrangements?

OP posts:
Magda72 · 02/03/2020 20:31

Honestly op I'd be inclined to stand my ground. He made an arrangement to take one child away on his access time without even asking if you would be ok to mind his dd & I just don't think that's fair.
Why can't she stay at her mums that weekend? - I would have assumed she rather do that (no disrespect to you). I know my dd (who has a great relationship with her sm) would rather stay with me in same scenario.

Flutteringsatlast · 02/03/2020 20:33

Imo once you have dc together yabu to discount his dc... She is your dc's sibling - hardly setting up for an unrivalled relationship.
Imo.

MrMeSeeks · 02/03/2020 20:35

I think you’re being really unfair.
You’ve been part of her life 6 years, it’s one night.

pltzsgrrb · 02/03/2020 20:37

As someone who had a step mum, has been a step mum, and whose child now has a stepmum, YANBU.

He shouldn't have just assumed you'd do it. You've not been asked, step daughter hasn't been asked, has mum been asked? Your partner is showing you a lack of respect to not even check with you IMO.

frazzledasarock · 02/03/2020 20:51

I feel the matter had been discussed and everyone was happy with the arrangement then that’s one thing.

However he’s just assumed you’ll drop everything to do childcare for him, you have no relationship with the child’s mother, which may end up with her being upset and the DSD may not want to spend alone time with you anyway, she may be upset her dads leaving her on her weekend with him, and I’d refuse to be the focus of that upset.

Stand your ground, you’re not his lackey.

aSofaNearYou · 02/03/2020 20:59

Of course YANBU, he didn't even check with you, that's not on.

AnneLovesGilbert · 02/03/2020 21:07

He should have asked you before making his plans. For a start he’s assuming you’re okay looking after your shared child while he sods off for the weekend, what if you also had things on, and then he decided you’d also have his DD without checking with either her or you.

Having a child with him doesn’t make you his default babysitter. Being with him for 6 years doesn’t either. He’s not treating you like an equal and a partner.

I’ve offered to have my DSC while DH has seen a group of friends who don’t get together often due to where one of them lives. I offer and he accepts but he would never assume. Because he respects me. Because we’re equal. Being married and having a child together doesn’t make me his staff.

On principle you need to stand your ground and say no. It’s not fair on any of you.

TumboDinks · 02/03/2020 21:09

I don't mind having my two sc during holidays while Dh works, but it's by agreement I wouldn't be happy if dh just assumed. If you're not comfortable that's your choice, but ensure to be clear it's not because of your dsd you wouldn't want her to feel unwanted by you.

Wallywobbles · 02/03/2020 21:13

I'd do it. Because that's the way it works here DH looks after my kids as necessary and visa versa. But I'd ask not assume. If he's been away with work for a week we just continue as normal, every other week. Mine don't see their Dad so that's never a choice.

Tinyhumansurvivalist · 02/03/2020 21:14

There are 2 separate issues here for ne

  1. expecting and not asking is unfair and he has been a twat, yanbu to tell him to make other arrangements

  2. refusing to look after them alone after 6+ years is ridiculous and yabvu

Tyersal · 02/03/2020 22:00

Absolutely not being at all unreasonable not your issue op

Harpingon · 02/03/2020 22:30

He should have asked you first. He will have to take her on the camping trip or not go. She is his responsibility for the weekend.

SandyY2K · 02/03/2020 22:33

He should have asked you first.

Doyoumind · 02/03/2020 22:39

Will she even want to be there with just you? That would be my main consideration.

HillAreas · 02/03/2020 22:44

As per PP - why do you think you couldn’t handle a 14 year old that you have a good relationship with for one night? Seems silly but fair enough if you really feel that awkward.

He’s being a complete bellend for assuming that you would do it without consulting you. You are completely within your rights to have made other plans and his do not trump yours. He has the hide of a rhino if he’s seriously digging in and arguing with you that you have any responsibility or obligation to step in when he snaps his fingers. You absolutely don’t.
I’d not move an inch on this to avoid setting a precedent that he is the boss and you are his staff.

CalleighDoodle · 02/03/2020 22:49

I find it weird that she can’t stay in one of her homes when her father isnt there. But his attitude isnt great.

Pentium85 · 02/03/2020 22:53

YABU

MrsP2015 · 02/03/2020 22:57

I think ask sd what she wants (after you've sorted with dh the rules around his assumptions.

6 years is a long time, she's part of the family but I get why you'd say no.

Remember her mother may have made other plans though if it's not her weekend to have the kids so may not be able to keep sd.

Friendsofmine · 02/03/2020 23:02

Her mother may have plans so she'll have to go on the boys trip.

I feel a bit sorry for her she's not allowed to treat her dads as her home.

Dontdisturbmenow · 03/03/2020 06:38

One night in 6 years, she's 14, so independent, yes, it's very odd you'd have an issue with it. What is it that makes you anxious?

Bluewater1 · 03/03/2020 06:48

He absolutely should have asked you of course.
However, I'm confused if after 6+ years of being in her life why it wouldn't be ok for you to look after her overnight? Isn't she part of your family?

ScottishStottie · 03/03/2020 06:49

Its the assuming and not asking thats the issue here. My ex had a dd who i was sm to. Part of the reason we ended up splitting up was that ex thought that i was just as responsible for her as he was on his weekends, because i had chosen to he with someone with a dd. So things like any clubs, events pick ups etc i had to do all the driving (ex didnt drive) there was never any thank yous or asking involved. He would get annoyed if i made plans for myself on a friday (his night with dd) in case he had plans that he wanted to do. If i ever said that sue was his dd, not mine, i was made out to be the most evil horrible cruel person in the world. We did not split up on good terms and this resentment (on both sides) was the reason.

You need to firmly sort out with dp where both your expectations are with the sm situation to ensure that they are in line with eachother, and if not, you'll need to both make adjustments.

Beansandcoffee · 03/03/2020 06:55

He shouldn’t have assumed.

However this is your SDs home too. Do you never look after your own child on your own? Just seems sad that you distinguish between your own child and his. However at 14 I would ask her what she wanted to do.

Sux2buthen · 03/03/2020 06:58

YABU she's family.
He should have asked though

OpticVA · 03/03/2020 07:04

He is BU have assumed you would and not asking

You are BU to not look after her overnight having been in her life for 6 years and your home also being her home.

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