Looking after SC alone? is it wrong to say no?

[Songbird232018]

So after a heated weekend I'm asking for advice here. Backstory partner and I have been together 6years. 2 year old son together and I have 3 SC which we have every Thursday for tea, EOW and half holidays, an all round pretty standard arrangement.

Now I was around the kids for 4 years before I became a parent myself and we all do have a good relationship however the one area that I always did draw the line with was having the children alone overnight (partner works nights but his shifts normally are no issue) alternate arrangements were always made if needed. Now my partner and his brother have arranged to go on a boys camping weekend with their sons which is fine and all are looking forward too..

However I assumed this would take place on a non kid weekend so his brothers girls (4 and 6) would stay with their mom and my partners daughter (14) would also be at her mums. Not the case my partner said his brothers kids are going to their parents and why cant I have his daughter for the weekend and do girly activities. Now we on well and I was planning something for a day time on the weekend with her but I absolutely do not want the sole responsiblty all weekend. Her mum and i have never spoke and have no relationship so that's a reason as well as I just dont feel it's my responsibility and I have never been comfortable with this.

Huge row later..am i wrong or do I stand my ground and make him make other arrangements?

To be fair to my partner hes great dad this is just a complete one off trip so no one has issue with him and the boys going away without the girl. I guess I have some thinking to do? Suggestion of meeting in the middle welcome...

@heckypeck I know you have hit the nail on the head. I can see the trouble far enough... and I don't want to ruin the boys weekend with drama at home! I mean this isnt me slating the mum we are just different!

Op I feel it is all wrong for YOU to be bearing the guilt of this. Your dsd has two parents neither of whom seemed to be worried about dsd feeling unwanted by her parents!!! (I know she chose not to go on the trip I'm just trying to put perspective on this). Your oh is making you feel bad because he wants to head off with his boys & his dd doesn't want to go. Fine - but why then should the minding fall on you?
My exh used to try this a lot with his (now dw) & my dd or sometimes with all three of mine & I had to state over & over to him that it was not his partners job to mind our dd/kids because he chose to do stuff on his access weekends. The kids got pretty fed up with this too - they have a great relationship with their sm but they were the first to say that they go to his to see him.
There's nothing wrong with any sm minding sdc if she so chooses but she should be asked & if she says no then that should be respected - bar in cases of an outright emergency.

I feel even more sorry for her having read your updates. It seems this isn't about the issue of him not discussing it with you, it seems if he had you would have said no. Won't she pick up on how after 6 years you never do anything together? Won't it be obvious you have said she can't stay?

Because of your fears of how your husband and his ex will have to communicate if it went pair shaped and she tells her mum etc, you are thinking you'd rather not spend time parenting her?

To be honest I do think YABU. You're married. Your dc and his dc should feel equally at home at his and your home. I have my DSS overnight occasionally when my dh is working away, I hadn't even considered saying no. I really think this is the wrong hill to die on.

He should have arranged this trip when his children aren't due to stay with you, given that there is plenty of time during his non-contact days to do this.

In my situation, I wouldn't. DH left DSS9 with me once while he was away for the day, and I told him off for deliberately tripping up DS2.

Next thing I know, DH's exDW was on the phone angry that I disciplined her child! I apologised through DH, and said DH and exDW have to sort his childcare out between them in future as I won't be doing it again.

I dont think his daughter will think badly of not staying over the weekend because we have never done it and she may find it more odd to be staying for that amount of time without dad. I'll give it some thought it's not till August anyway and dates may change in that time.
It's not about feeling unwanted its just about her staying with a parent, I dont think it falls to a EOW stepparent (my circumstances I know everyone is different and some are more involved than others) however my role has always been a friend/fun dads girlfriend rather than any authority figure.
Dont get me wrong I have that in me of course, just feels a bit overwhelming to me. I might suggest she stays over one night with me and we see how it goes for us both

I really think this is the wrong hill to die on.

Maybe, if you didn't feel overwhelmed by it, have a high likelihood of receiving backlash for disciplining her, and a partner that would guilt trip you for not making yourself available after not asking first. But OP does have all those things, so it is an important hill to die on.

Maybe, if you didn't feel overwhelmed by it, have a high likelihood of receiving backlash for disciplining her, and a partner that would guilt trip you for not making yourself available after not asking first. But OP does have all those things, so it is an important hill to die on.

Exactly!

If you or her mum can collect/ drop off I'd have either;
.* sd arrive with the boys and see dad briefly, stay a day and a night with you. Mum then collects/ you drop back.

• sd is collected by you/ dropped by mum the day before dad & boys due back. Sees dad briefly and goes home with boys.

Pre arrange this- don't do a see how it goes. You may hate it and want sd to go/ she may ask to stay.. keep it short and sweet.

She may be in your life forever and in some ways will admire/ like you. Use this time to maybe do something big or small that you can enjoy with her; nails done, shopping or a film and snacks etc.

See it as your chance to show what a great person and sm you are.

Thanks @mrsp2015 that's very true and I did want to get a bit of time in there with her! I think I'll arrange this if possible xx

Could the weekend with SC not be suspended on that occasion and the time made up at a later date? That must happen from time to time anyway, if people are ill or if they are going away for a weekend or holiday. There must be some flexibility in child caring/sharing arrangements.

YANBU

I would definitely ask her what she'd to do. You can suggest her coming for 1 night or all the nights, or staying with her mum. At this age, I think it should be her decision. I have a 14yo too and they're growing up fast!

It’s a tricky situation, do you ever have the kids on your non access weekend to help their mother out? If not DH couldn’t expect her to stay with her Mum for the weekend as it’s not fair. However if you have then there is no reason why she couldn’t stay with her Mother as a returned favour. I understand why DSS doesn’t want to go camping but equally it isn’t your responsibility to care for her for 3 nights. It’s wrong of you DH to just expect it, however in my experience this is something they do.

YANBU. My DP and I would always ask each other before making plans that mean the other person stays home with ANY of his/our children. That is just manners. He is already leaving you to entertain the 2yo alone all weekend and that in itself should have been an ask, not a tell, IMO.

Personally I do think it's a shame for SD that with fairly limited contact with dad, she is excluded from their special trip just for being a girl!?! So she goes 3 weekends without seeing him, and the boys get a little holiday. Dunno, none of my business, but I'd find that weird if he doesn't plan to spend any special time with her.

Sorry cross posted, looks like you said that she chose not to go? In which case just ask what she wants

You wrote:
But as said above I really don't want her to feel rejected :/ stuck between a rock and a hard place

you also wrote:
2) she was invited on the trip but didnt want to go hence it becoming a boys trip

To sum this up here: She can not feel rejected if she is refusing to go.
Its her dad weekend so she refusing to have this weekend with her dad because she don't like this activity.

No, You don't have to step in and provide alternative. It's unfair to ask.

You are not between a rock and a hard place because there isn't any hard place, its not your place at all. Don't let him to force you to do his donkey work. He did not think possible scenarios through and now he is trying to leave the loose ends on you. Not nice of him.
Do not take that responsibility. Specially if their mum isn't a friend. She will find a way to make you feel bad or create a fight or blame you or find something unpleasant.
I would not even consider if I would be in your shoes.