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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

Looking after SC alone? is it wrong to say no?

68 replies

Songbird232018 · 02/03/2020 20:21

So after a heated weekend I'm asking for advice here. Backstory partner and I have been together 6years. 2 year old son together and I have 3 SC which we have every Thursday for tea, EOW and half holidays, an all round pretty standard arrangement.

Now I was around the kids for 4 years before I became a parent myself and we all do have a good relationship however the one area that I always did draw the line with was having the children alone overnight (partner works nights but his shifts normally are no issue) alternate arrangements were always made if needed. Now my partner and his brother have arranged to go on a boys camping weekend with their sons which is fine and all are looking forward too..

However I assumed this would take place on a non kid weekend so his brothers girls (4 and 6) would stay with their mom and my partners daughter (14) would also be at her mums. Not the case my partner said his brothers kids are going to their parents and why cant I have his daughter for the weekend and do girly activities. Now we on well and I was planning something for a day time on the weekend with her but I absolutely do not want the sole responsiblty all weekend. Her mum and i have never spoke and have no relationship so that's a reason as well as I just dont feel it's my responsibility and I have never been comfortable with this.

Huge row later..am i wrong or do I stand my ground and make him make other arrangements?

OP posts:

fuzzymoon · 03/03/2020 07:13

You are a team. His daughter is your child's sibling.
You've had a good relationship with her for 6 years.
I don't understand the issue.
What happens at night that's so different from having her in the day ?
What would have happened if you had children from a previous marriage ?
I can understand if you ended up solely responsible every weekend.

I'm going against the grain here and say you're being unreasonable and it's sad you don't want to have her. She'll feel quite rejected by you.

GeorgiaGirl52 · 03/03/2020 07:17

You are BU not to allow her to stay overnight having been in her life for 6 years and your home also being her home. This would be a wonderful time for bonding if you didn't consider her an inconvenience.

ClarencesMum · 03/03/2020 07:23

YABU

Yes he could have communicated better but she's 14 years old I bet camping with her brothers and cousins is the last thing she would want to do. Why it spend some time with her? At 14 it isn't like she'll have you up through the night or need constant entertaining. Do something nice during the day to tire the wee one out then get some snacks and stick on a movie and enjoy a bit of time with her in the evening.

Iminaglasscaseofemotion · 03/03/2020 07:23

I think you need to go up. She's 14, it's one night.

Iminaglasscaseofemotion · 03/03/2020 07:24

Grow up

Soontobe60 · 03/03/2020 07:33

YABVVvU.
You have been her step mum since she was 8, so she's hardly a stranger. I'm assuming here that his ex may not have allowed him to have the children when it's not his weekend, so when else was it going to happen? FWIW, I think your DH and his brother are being extremely twattish by only taking the boys camping, maybe the girls might also have wanted to go!
However, it's also a good time for you and dsd to do some things together. I'd be spoiling her so she doesn't feel even more left out by not being allowed to go camping with her dad. If you put your foot down on this, you're definitely going to be seen as the wicked stepmother now! (Despite him not checking with you in the first instance). However, I'd assume that my DH would look after my DD - his dsd, if I was away overnight on one of the days she was with me.

Lonclim20 · 03/03/2020 07:37

Overall - YABU

It sounds like to me that you have overeacted to his naive bad manners. He absolutely should have askee first as a matter of courtesy.

However, 6 years together, one night, a 14 year old.... Please be careful as to not make her resent you. She will already be picking up feelings of favouritism now that her Daddy has had other children with another woman.

Put DH back in his place and don't let his bad manners spoil your good relationship with the 14 year old.

Lonclim20 · 03/03/2020 07:37

Overall - YABU

It sounds like to me that you have overeacted to his naive bad manners. He absolutely should have askee first as a matter of courtesy.

Put DH back in his place and don't let his bad manners spoil your good relationship with the 14 year old.

saraclara · 03/03/2020 07:45

His assumption was unreasonable

If you already had plans for that weekend, it's unreasonable to ask you to drop them

It's not unreasonable to spend time alone (inc overnight) with a stepdaughter of six years, for once. It's not like you don't know her well.

northernlittledonkey · 03/03/2020 07:48

If it’s one night, do fun stuff in the day- then offer to watch a film in the evening or get a sitter & go to the cinema? She’s likely to want to be in her room a lot of the time too...

BeatItBarry · 03/03/2020 07:51

I wouldn't even do that if it were both mine and DHs joint DC. I'd make sure that I checked first that the other person was available and didn't have plans before I just went ahead and booked something (as would DH).

However, I probably would have agreed if he'd asked me to look after my SC.

Is there a reason why you're so against looking after her on your own? Is she difficult? Do you worry that she won't respect boundaries if dad isn't around?

I'm quite involved with my DSC day in day out, I've no qualms telling them off for example if DH is in another room and I witness something. I can understand why, if you've never been like this before, it may be daunting to then be on your own all weekend with them. I think if I'd always left all the parenting to DH, they would have really played up for me when he wasn't there because they felt they could get away with it.

Pipandmum · 03/03/2020 07:59

I don't understand why this is a problem.
Shes 14, not exactly an age that needs constant minding and entertaining. I had my stepsons overnight alot on my own. I'd be ashamed to have refused - they are my family and half brothers to my children. How do you think she would feel about this? Very hurt and confused.

BeatItBarry · 03/03/2020 08:08

I don't understand why this is a problem

Surely you understand it's a problem that he didn't ask first though? You shouldn't just assume that someone who isn't your child's parent will be happy to have them all weekend. Hell you shouldn't just assume that of their other parent either without checking if it's meant to be your time.

MellowBird85 · 03/03/2020 08:38

Having a child with him doesn’t make you his default babysitter. Being with him for 6 years doesn’t either.

^This. YANBU at all OP. This is not your responsibility, regardless of what the reasons are. I have 3 DSC on an EOW arrangement and I wouldn’t have them on my own overnight. DH respects this and makes alternative arrangements if he has plans (which almost never happens because he wants to spend time with them on his weekend). Your DH might think twice in future before he decides to swan off and dump his kids on you.

LuluBellaBlue · 03/03/2020 08:53

DH is BU for not discussing it and asking you.
YABU for not wanting to make the most of a day alone with her and your other child.

aSofaNearYou · 03/03/2020 09:18

I absolutely knew I would come back onto this thread and see a load of predictable responses saying YABU because she should be able to go in one of her two homes if she wants to. People on here see red when they catch a whiff of any suggestion that the NRPs home isn't also the SC home, but in reality a lot of 14 year olds wouldn't be able to go in their own home if their parent wasn't in it to look after them.

Some 14 year olds are mature and independent and you could have a fun, relaxing movie night with them. Others (if MN are to believed) are raging hormone machines that will hurl abuse at you and refuse to respect you or your home. People are assuming she is the former, but just because she has a good relationship with SD doesn't mean that she doesn't require any looking after when she's there. And even if she didn't, if you haven't been in the position, you really cannot understand the importance of making it clear to your partner that you are not to be used as unpaid childcare whenever it suits them and without consultation. It is not petty, it is a very important boundary that when broken has destroyed many relationships.

Why doesn't her dad ask if she can stay at her grandparents with the cousins, so she is actually a part of the boys night/girls night arrangement?

funinthesun19 · 03/03/2020 10:44

Yanbu to not want to have full responsibility over her wellbeing and entertainment all weekend. He should have arranged his trip away for when it’s their mum’s weekend to have them.

Babytigerrr · 03/03/2020 10:47

YANBU - she's not your responsibility and its wrong of him to assume you'd be happy with it.

SD might not even be happy with it!

peekaboob · 03/03/2020 12:14

Has anyone asked the SD if she'd like to go on the trip? Why the sexism when it comes to the activity (you can do something "girly")

Aside from that I think if you get along with her I would take the opportunity to have some 1 to 1 assuming your DS sleeps well and you have the evening to yourselves.

I would assume that if DP had arranged something with any of his kids it would be during a weekend when he had them.

My DP has a hobby that sometimes has events that fall on kids weekends. He arranges for his DS to spend the day with his grandparents as he agrees that he is his responsibility. However if I had arranged to do something nice for mine I would also invite him along but DP would never assume.

Ultimately I think this is a very grey area and until you know how SD feels about being left with you you won't be able to make a decision about the weekend.

Original poster

Songbird232018 · 03/03/2020 14:26

Thanks for replies, to clear a few things up.

yes she would probably be happy staying the weekend here
she was invited on the trip but didnt want to go hence it becoming a boys trip
Her mum probably wouldn't mind her staying with me or staying home if needed
this isn't a 1 night trip its 3 nights and 4 days.

I get the people that say I'm wrong as I have friends who expect their other halves to watch kids overnight.
There is no different between her and my child in their fathers eyes but I do find the idea uncomfortable..her mum and myself have very different personalities and opinions and it has cropped up more than once that things I have suggested or said have been deemed wrong. So putting myself in charge for a whole long weekend just seems to be asking for trouble...

OP posts:

Original poster

Songbird232018 · 03/03/2020 14:30

I think I just have always had this boundary and feel if I do recant and allow this then I will have to do it more..possible with his 3 children at times which would outright scare me shitless it's hard to explain but I feel that a parent should be there or family member for that amount of time. Its a lot of responsibility for a non parent I feel.

OP posts:

Suebnm · 03/03/2020 14:39

I would be more concerned with why your boyfriend OP doesn't want to see is daughter on that weekend. He has arranged the weekend away on those days knowing his daughter will be at his house.

Anyway, don't do it you aren't your boyfriends babysitter.

lilmishap · 03/03/2020 14:44

YANBU She's not there to build a relationship with you is she. It would have wound me up to go dads overnight and then have his GF instead.

Original poster

Songbird232018 · 03/03/2020 14:55

But as said above I really don't want her to feel rejected :/ stuck between a rock and a hard place

OP posts:

HeckyPeck · 03/03/2020 15:29

YANBU at all.

I would not even consider doing this & I have a good relationship with my DSD’s Mum.

It’s 3 nights and you’ve been told your wrong for decisions relating to her before? Fuck that for a laugh.

Say no!

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