Leaving my son out of his will...

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Hello there, I'm new here, but need some advice and couldn't think who else to ask?
I'm sure a question like this will have been asked before, but I could really use an opinion on whether I'm asking too much.

My partner and I have been together six years and we both have one child each. When we met I owned a house and sold it because it wasn't big enough to accommodate us all after we got together and then used the small sale income to fund a new rented house on the proviso that we would eventually get married and buy together. He had very little when we met, lived with his Mum, didn't own a stick of furniture and had only a tiny wage.

Since then I have made a life for us despite his mental health issues, encouraged him to pursue a different career pathway that is now going terribly well and have put up with all manner of issues that have badly damaged my self-esteem.

A year after we met he asked me to marry him and I said yes. He then stopped talking about it and eventually said we needed to be more settled house-wise before we married. Another year passed and then he asked again. Same scenario, then he silently backed out again shortly before having a complete nervous breakdown.

I stayed at his side and nursed him through his illness, covered all the bills when he wasn't getting paid and earn more than he does so pay more regardless. He got better and life seemed to be getting so much better too. Then out of the blue he told me that though he wants to be with me for the rest of his life, he no longer has any intention of marrying me as he has decided that despite me wanting it so much, it is not for him.

I was devastated. But assured by him, that this did not mean he didn't want our life together, pulled up my big girl pants and got on with it.

Until today when he mentioned a will he has written (though I knew nothing about it) - he has substantial pensions and will at some point inherit from his mother - apparently making no provision for my child at all in the event of his death and leaving the majority to his son with some provision for me .

I was a little gob-smacked. When I asked him why he hadn't included my son in his will he said it wasn't up to him. That he saw no reason why he should and that he doesn't understand why I would imagine that a more traditional set-up whereby any money came to the partner left after the others death, with a trust to ensure it would be divided between the two children in the event of both our deaths, should even be a consideration.

I feel terribly sad about all this. He will not let me see the will so I do not know whether he has actually made any provision for me at all, but in the end it isn't about the money (he is long off death, I hope!) but his refusal to recognise us as a family unit, and to treat both children equally - or at least to recognise my son to some degree as I plan to his.

I feel like I have given up my own security and been kind of bamboozled out of a secure future with him as he has taken marriage out of the equation and is very cagey about getting a mortgage now. But I just can't decide whether I am being unreasonable expecting him to include my child in what he says is his will and none of my business?

I'm sorry, but to give up YOUR CHILD'S security of owning a home to then go and rent one with a mentally ill guy with no money, still lived with his mum and had a shit job is utterly ridiculous

I agree with this although I wouldn't have put it so harshly. It does seem like a reckless thing to have done.

Yes you are being unreasonable, my Mum is leaving her half of her and her partners jointly owned house to me and my sister, her partner is leaving his half to his brother. My sister and I don't have a problem with this. Just don't leave his son anything in your will - your son inherits your estate and his son gets his.

I agree with BobbyBlueCat's post as well and I think it's best said bluntly.

Although your intentions for your son were good, it hasn't worked out and now you've damaged you and your son's financial security. You need to take action to rebuild this now and it very likely involves moving out of the expensive rental with the cocklodger and giving up the notion that you will leave half of your money to your stepson.

The will isn't the issue wickedwitch and others.

Right. Well he's made his feelings and priorities clear. You say he contributes proportionately to the bills? No. Time to stop that. You have financially and mentally kept him afloat at your own personal cost with nothing back for you and you gave up tour own child's inheritance of a house and invested it in your boyfriends lie. You still pay more than he does, week in and week out.

Use this revelation to say, "You know what DP? You're so right! We DO need to get things straight and make sure our respective children are provided for. Thank you for bringing this to light. So on that note, I'm glad you think everything should be equal. Now instead of me paying £500 for the rent and you £200 it is much fairer that we both pay £350. I'll change the standing order today"

Make him pay his half. If he's no money left over then tough shit. If he can't afford his half of the bills such as SKY tv, cancel it. Put YOUR money away for YOUR security. Your "D"P can ask his mum to fund the shortfall. You now need to save save save! Put your money away to provide for you and your DS in the event of your cocklodger's death. Buy a house if you can and rent it out.

Good luck OP. As others have said, I also don't think leaving equal amounts to stepchildren as your own children is necessary, treating them and your lifelong partner who you won't marry as complete strangers and cutting them more or less out is awful.

I don’t think anyone, man or woman, should leave anything to their stepchildren and leave their own with less.

As a loving mum and former partner to someone with a child from a previous relationship, I could not imagine why I would have left his child anything when they have a mum to inherit from too. What makes people think a stepchild is entitled to something from absolutely everybody?

@titchy - The will isn't the issue wickedwitch and others.

Have you read the title of the post, or the post?? It's all about the will??

Yes I read the title. If you then read the posts you'd see it is clear the will is a symptom of a much bigger problem.

'Yes he does pay his share proportionate to what he earns.'
Are you currently paying more than he does towards the rent and bills?

I will be sharing whatever I have between the two children

Why?? This man has made it abundantly clear that you're not his child's stepmother. In fact, he's actively prevented you from becoming his stepmother.

You're his girlfriend who he scrounges off. I'm so sorry because that's really harsh but he has taken advantage of you SO much already and I think you need to prioritise yourself and your child.

they're of the opinion that as op sold her house to fund their life together all the while believing they were to be married, and as op has covered their bills while helping him through MH issues that op should be properly provided for in his will; a will he won't even allow her see
According to OP, there was no discussion of a will at the time. The discussion was about her providing the minimal amount she got from the sale to rent and later getting married and buying a house together. This has nothing to do with what they expected or not to leave in each other's will.

The fact that she is has paid more so far as also no barring on a will. For all anyone knows, he could suddenly earn more money and become the main earner, or he might be the one supporting OP with his large pension and inheritance when they retire, which is much more likely than him dying before he gets that money.

I have an issue in general with anyone who think of themselves entitled to money through a will, be it partners, children, nephews, or step-children. No one is entitled to money following the death of someone. I totally take that in OP's instance, the issue is that she has a different view and would themselves have been happy to share her wealth to her SC even if she had more to leave. However, that doesn't mean that he is wrong to think the way he does.

I also totally agree with the double standard as they've been quite a few threads about SM asking advice about their will and the message is always that she should live her money to her kids and she owes the SCs nothing.

"they've been quite a few threads about SM asking advice about their will and the message is always that she should live her money to her kids and she owes the SCs nothing."

Pretty much the same as almost everyone is saying on this thread, you mean?

Damn, some people will accept being treated like dirt in a relationship because they "love" someone but obviously don't love themselves enough to expect to be treated well. What does he bring to your life?

@Dontdisturbmenow - I don't think anyone is entitled to inheritance either. And OP's oh is entitled to his stance. However, I think it's morally reprehensible to accept the goodwill of someone selling their home to fund a roof over your.& your child's head; to offer marriage to someone; to lean on someone emotionally & financially while you're unwell; to then turn around and say you don't want to get married & to then also say the only provision you'll make for them is minuscule because you want to leave everything to your child.
If a person wants to be in a relationship & keep finances separate I can't see any problem with that be they a man or a woman. But, what I do think is wrong to expect your partner to share with & support you when you have no intention of doing similar.
Op sounds very financially independent & generous & nowhere has she stated that he has given any indication of his intention to use pensions/other in the future which I feel she would have done if he'd mentioned in.
This man's financial double standards with regards to op is very unfair & imo he is gaslighting her which makes him emotionally abusive.

they've been quite a few threads about SM asking advice about their will and the message is always that she should live her money to her kids and she owes the SCs nothing

I got my arse handed to me for asking that. Dh had nothing when I met him, living with his parents, he had some clothes, that was it. His ex had taken everything in the divorce, house, car, all possessions, and racked up a lot of joint debt as she knew she was leaving him for OM. No pension as she’s persuaded him to cash it in to extend the house.

My will leaves nothing to his kids. He has nothing to leave them. I was worried if he died she may take me to court for her kids “inheritance”- ie half my house etc.

But many mums said they would contest the will as their kids were entitled to their share of Dh’s assets, and as we were married all our assets were joint and they should be left their share of his half. It wasn’t right that their kids should inherit nothing when mine will get everything “we” own. It should be shared equally.

However, I think it's morally reprehensible to accept the goodwill of someone selling their home to fund a roof over your.& your child's head
Yet men do it all the time when they meet single mums and no one bats an eyelid in that case. Yet it is considered outrageous when it's the woman providing more financially.

I do tend to agree with the marriage though and personally, it is at this point I would have reconsidered the relationship.

But this thread is really about the will and his stance and I don't think he is doing anything wrong by stating that OPs child doesn't feature in his will.

So bluebluezoo you were worried about him dying and not leaving anything to his own children? Yeah ...that's a bit shit! I don't think op is actually disinheriting her own kids, but I would definitely think she was being unreasonable if she just left her half of everything to her (not even married to) partner. I don't think they would get far if they sued if he had left it all to you though (assuming house in joint names, especially if joint tenants not tenants in common). If none of it is in joint names, and he owns nothing, then that's just life isn't it. You can't leave what you don't have.
I'd definitely want my kids to be getting little mementos etc. Always a bit shit when everything is just left to the new spouse and kids get nothing from their own parent

I've never seen anyone with any sense suggest that idiotic 'mirror wills' thing on mn - usually a raft of horror stories like that man Lynda Bellingham married who kept all the money then remarried. Poor kids.

Men sell their houses in order to rent using their equity so they can have a bigger place for their new woman and her child? Never seen that myself I have to say.

So bluebluezoo you were worried about him dying and not leaving anything to his own children? Yeah ...that's a bit shit. (assuming house in joint names, especially if joint tenants not tenants in common). If none of it is in joint names, and he owns nothing, then that's just life isn't it. You can't leave what you don't have

Nothing in joint names. He moved into my house, drives my car etc. My will leaves everything to my kids, with the stipulation he can live in the house until he dies.

All his assets now belong to his ex, so his kids will get everything via her. If he wants to leave them mementos he can, but he has no assets at all.

Even if your parents arent divorced it doesn’t mean you will inherit. My dad left my mum very well off, but she’s spent it all ...

He has reneged on an offer of marriage and it seems, buying together. He doesn't see you as family. You say that he acts as a parent to your child...but it sounds like his heart isn't in it for the long haul. Decision time. If you can afford to buy on your own, I would.

For what it's worth I have sympathy for the argument of you both ensuring that your own family wealth benefits your own children, providing that the plan isn't to leave your partner completely high and dry upon death. You've got a major issue if he won't share with you what's in his will. Do you want a relationship built on secrets and are you really going to hang around now that he doesn't want marriage and doesn't want to buy? If you do hang around, will you regret it?

That's on him really isn't it, bluebluezoo?

My will was similar, and that was with the kids own father. Everything to them. Life interest in the house to him. On death or remarriage, house to kids.

In my case, my half of house. But it was a joint asset.

I'd ask him to start back paying all the money you've paid for him on rent etc

Please don't give your son's inheritance to his son. I know it goes against how you were raised, and feels mean, but your child is losing out as you are being drained of your resources emotionally and financially.

No judgement if you are happy in a sexless, marriageless relationship ... BUT.... if you're not then you are worth more. You are teaching the children what a relationship looks like and I'm not convinced what they see is healthy. I think you should show your son that any future partner of his needs to be treated with more respect than this.

I'm sorry, but to give up YOUR CHILD'S security of owning a home to then go and rent one with a mentally ill guy with no money, still lived with his mum and had a shit job is utterly ridiculous.

I totally agree. I do think you need to look internally as to why you allowed this to happen.

It's often something about our own self esteem and image, that leads us to people who are down on their luck and who we can 'rescue'

At best, you should have kept the home until the wedding was all arranged, he had a solid employment future, had saved some money himself to contribute (he lived at home for fucks sake, how could he have no savings. Even with a crap job you'd have hundreds spare a month!), sorted his mental health out and you had both actually found a new house to buy!

Yes..agree. You were his crutch and now he's back on his feet..all promises are gone with the wind.

YOU have taken your child's inheritance from them, not your twat of a boyfriend.

Couldn't agree more. You seem more invested in the relationship than him....it also doesn't sound like he brings much to the table.