Am I pessimistic or is he deluded?

[SMNOTRP]

Been with DH 5 years, married 2. He split from ex 7 years ago. No kids.

3 Stepkids aged 9, 9, 11. M, F, M. They stay EOW + odd extra w/e. Some of every holiday unless they have plans with extended family on both sides in other parts of UK. Good relationship all round.

Our household income 45K. London. Both work full time but he earns 60%. Currently own 2 bed flat - kids have bunks + double which they rotate when they stay. Maintenance is £365pm.

Ex wife is a nurse working PT because of wrap around childcare issues. Claims CM is too low for her to work FT as local hospital has no vacancies for office hours roles that she could get due to speciality. This has been ongoing issue because she wants more money/clothes/uniforms from my husband when it should be covered by what he gives. Husband took advice from friends to call her bluff and suggest he take kids more/become RP which I didn't think she would agree but she almost bit his hand off. Her friend is going to teach in Dubai and wants someone to house sit from when she leaves in April which would let her pay a smaller amount of rent so she could save to buy her own place as she has been renting since the split at market rate. I know all this because it is what they discussed with a mediator and he literally came back with notes to explain her points and suggestions for how it could work. Kids are okay with it too.

Situation now is that we are going to have to get a bigger place which will mean more money. Plus pay for food etc extra Bill's and she only gives £250pm maintenance for it all. Commute and everything will be on us. She will have them 2 nights a week minimum according to her schedule as she is going to do a Masters and stay part-time. She wants to do this because she said it will boost her career prospects and make up for the time she has been RP.

I want my husband to reconsider agreeing to be RP and use the money we would be spending to boost what what we give to maybe 600+ a month. I've worked out that it is going to nearly double our monthly expenses once you factor everything in like bigger mortgage, commutes, dinner money, uniform, clothes, football boots, martial arts equipment, leisure money, school trips extra utilities and Bill's, pocket money, presents. Unless we play the bad guys and make some serious cuts in long standing hobbies and commitments. My 11 year old stepson plays football at a high level which isn't cheap but something has done for five years and his mum has kept up all this time. The 9 year olds do martial arts which also costs money and time. When we sat down to crunch numbers and I put all these things down with the help of my sister who is a single mum so helped me break it down, husband says I'm being pessimistic and with child benefit it will balance out as he doesn't have to pay and she will pay two thirds of what he was paying but the numbers don't lie.

How can I make him see what we are getting into?

When you say kids have bunk beds and double, do you mean their own double or yours? If there's a way for them all to have their own beds I would consider staying where you are.

Yeah, sucks being RP from a financial perspective doesn’t it? How dare the ex wife want to build a career and expect her ex to support that, eh?! Would have been easier to pay the maintenance. Fab example of bluff calling back firing.

They have a bed each but if they had all their stuff here rather than a weekend bag with clothes and gadgets/toys, they wouldn't have space. It only works because they don't live here full time and can get tense after 3 days of sharing. Remember there are 2 boys and 1 girl too.

I never agreed with calling her bluff. My husband honestly believes we will be the same or better off but we cannot find a 3 bedroom in our budget/area which doesn't need doing up and would mean living through a reno. We might have to seriously consider renting.

But the husband shouldn't have said in the first place then that he'd have them full time of he wasn't prepared to do it! Shot yourself in the foot

He is prepared. He thinks that it won't affect us much and we will get a bigger house sooner. He thinks I'm pessimistic. I think he is deluded.

Oh dear. Looks like ExW wasnt being unreasonable asking for additional help on top of maintenance now you know the true costs.

As ExW wants dh to be RP for study and house sitting I dont see how your dh can go back and offer increased maintenance as that is not the only factor.

I think he actually started out saying 50/50 but she said you be RP and I'll have them 2 days a week. Then she said actually so and so is moving to Dubai and needs a house sitter so I could do this and that and it went from there.

A part of me is worried about how he will cope with the stress of this when we are in the midst of it. I can see me taking the emotional labour while he spends more time working to pay for it all

I live in Ireland & maintenance etc. is done differently over here so my way of seeing things may not fit in with UK systems.
The was I see your situation is why can't she work ft with your husband financially contributing to childcare? I can't see that moving in with you guys is going to benefit the kids daily lives as they will either have to share small spaces or move home/area.
As a dm and rp I can fully understand she wants to maintain a career (which in the long run will be very good from your dh's pov) but her wanting to do an MA at the moment & stay pt is a bit unrealistic given all of your circumstances. I'm only doing an MA atm as I had to wait until my guys were self sufficient (23, 17 & 14). I don't really understand why she & your dh want to upset the status quo for the kids when they're no real reason to bar her wanting to study.

I'd be leaving. He will expect you to do the childcare. What a prick he is.

Well if you are not willing to to the brunt of the work (or indeed any more work than you already do) then you would be well within your rights to say so for that reason alone, and then your DH would need to factor in extra childcare costs, which may change his perspective. It's not your responsibility to take this on.

But if it's more to do with the finances, then I would be considering suggesting closer to 50/50, and squeezing their things between your place and the house she is sitting. If you can't afford a bigger space then you can't afford it.

@Magda72

I think she feels that him being RP will mean she can be more flexible with her PT work and will have the time to complete her Masters. It will also solve the original point of conflict which was money. Maintenance is meant to cover the vast majority of expenses bar presents and social activities like days out or friend's party presents. She wanted him to pay for things like uniform and take responsibility for keeping their wardrobe stocked too. Not just the odd hoody or pair of Jean's but give or spend a couple of hundred minimum on new seasonal items a couple of times a year. The advice we received said she should do that out of maintenance.

That's why my husband said that he will have them 50/50 so neither pays the other but she said it's too complicated and he should be RP for a while at least.

So you couldn’t afford to pay more maintenance so DH tried the tired old I’ll take the kids off you blackmail. Unfortunately it backfired and now, miraculously, you can afford to pay her more provided she keeps them?

Karmas a bitch.

She'd be having them far more than you were at 2 nights a week, hence less maintenance. And if she was managing all that with only an extra £115 a month in maintenance, I'm sure you can manage it.

You don't sound thrilled at the prospect of having them full time regardless of finances, it sounds like much prefer the current status quo. So much so you're happy to pay more to ensure it stays that way...

So it's OK when she's struggling, but not you?

You've chosen to be with someone who has children. This is what it entails - having children. You will have to make the necessary sacrifices and make it work 🤷‍♀️

(I speak as a childless step-parent)

You've chosen to be with someone who has children. This is what it entails - having children. You will have to make the necessary sacrifices and make it work

Er, no she won't. They aren't her children. Silly thing to say.

Here we go again bashing the sm!
Just because you marry someone with kids it doesn't have to mean you have to take your spouse & their ex making decisions that affect your life lying down.
I honesty don't see why the op has to have her finances & home upended because her dh & his ex are suiting themselves. Totally different if the kids were unhappy/unsafe with their dm but that's not the case here.
Reading back through everything 50/50 would make most sense but if that would be too disruptive on the kids re space & them getting older then dh & ex should make some arrangement re childcare & have her work ft until she's more financially stable to pursue an MA.
I'm a dm & honestly it's the same old same old on here - the parents do what they want to suit themselves & sp's are supposed to shut up & take up the flak!
Neither parent can afford for the ex to do an MA at the moment & you can be sure that both will assume op will step in & do childcare!

Sorry I love the irony that when she was RP there was feelings she was asking for too much money and maintenance should cover anything and everything but now you’re the RP you are unhappy about what they will cost!

Bit you'll be gaining £850 a month. I'm sorry but 3 children and a bigger flat/house surely aren't going to cost £850?

Surely you were always going to have to get a bigger house anyway because the current bedroom situation wouldn't really be appropriate soon as the girl goes through puberty and needs her privacy, the boys too really?

I've got 4 children and am very aware of the cost of them. If my husband already had kids then I would always have it in the back of my mind that it's a possibility that we would also be main carers of them at some point too. My sister (young and no kids herself yet) has just become full time step-mum to 3 boys because her partners ex passed away.

Have you also looked into universal credit claim?

Maintenance is meant to cover the vast majority of expenses bar presents and social activities like days out or friend's party presents

she only gives £250pm maintenance for it all

You see no irony here? That she is paying the maintenance due and you think you need more?

So it sounds like he suggested 50/50 and him being RP was her idea, which he jumped on because, understandably, he likes the idea of having them full time.

The trouble is it affects you too so is not just his decision. Separated parents do need to avoid assuming that because they are in a relationship, they automatically have another income and another body to provide and care for their children. They don't, they still have two parents responsible for them, and if your husband wants to have them living with him full time then he needs to be able to do so whilst balancing working enough to afford it, and being home enough to care for them without assuming you're going to do it for him. If he can't afford that, then between them they can't afford for her to drop to part time to study.

Sorry OP but this is hilarious and I am cheering for the woman who has brought up 3 children on her own for 7(+?) years now getting to build the life she wants for herself.

You don't sound rich so surely you would have bought a house that needed doing up anyway? Why is that a problem? It will be worth more, eventually.

@aSofaNearYou - precisely!
If my exh & I had stayed together I would either have done my MA sooner as WE would have paid for childcare, or I would still be doing my MA now when childcare is no longer needed. As divorced parents WE did not want to fork out for childcare so I held off doing my MA until now - it's what parents do - they juggle things.
Could I have done my MA sooner without childcare? Sure - if I was prepared to use my kids sm as free childcare! But I wasn't, because even though she married a man with kids she didn't sign up to becoming a physical or financial childminder to kids who have two fully functioning & able bodied parents whose job it is to care for & provide for THEIR kids!
On here sms are the worst in the world until they're needed to facilitate bio parents doing whatever the bloody hell they like. If OP's dh & ex were still together THEY would be paying for childcare or she would be holding off doing her MA or he'd be cutting back at work or aiming for a better job with more income.

As it is op is a very convenient physical & financial cushion for them both!

But the EX is part time so he CSA is probably going to be around £250 - tat is life. A RP you get to suck up the shortfall - that I am afraid is life.

I think your DP screwed up and did not appreciate how much kids costs.

Oh and basic CSA rarely covers the full 50% cost of bringing up children

football boots, trainers school shoes and a spare x3 probably twice per year!