Am I pessimistic or is he deluded?

[SMNOTRP]

Been with DH 5 years, married 2. He split from ex 7 years ago. No kids.

3 Stepkids aged 9, 9, 11. M, F, M. They stay EOW + odd extra w/e. Some of every holiday unless they have plans with extended family on both sides in other parts of UK. Good relationship all round.

Our household income 45K. London. Both work full time but he earns 60%. Currently own 2 bed flat - kids have bunks + double which they rotate when they stay. Maintenance is £365pm.

Ex wife is a nurse working PT because of wrap around childcare issues. Claims CM is too low for her to work FT as local hospital has no vacancies for office hours roles that she could get due to speciality. This has been ongoing issue because she wants more money/clothes/uniforms from my husband when it should be covered by what he gives. Husband took advice from friends to call her bluff and suggest he take kids more/become RP which I didn't think she would agree but she almost bit his hand off. Her friend is going to teach in Dubai and wants someone to house sit from when she leaves in April which would let her pay a smaller amount of rent so she could save to buy her own place as she has been renting since the split at market rate. I know all this because it is what they discussed with a mediator and he literally came back with notes to explain her points and suggestions for how it could work. Kids are okay with it too.

Situation now is that we are going to have to get a bigger place which will mean more money. Plus pay for food etc extra Bill's and she only gives £250pm maintenance for it all. Commute and everything will be on us. She will have them 2 nights a week minimum according to her schedule as she is going to do a Masters and stay part-time. She wants to do this because she said it will boost her career prospects and make up for the time she has been RP.

I want my husband to reconsider agreeing to be RP and use the money we would be spending to boost what what we give to maybe 600+ a month. I've worked out that it is going to nearly double our monthly expenses once you factor everything in like bigger mortgage, commutes, dinner money, uniform, clothes, football boots, martial arts equipment, leisure money, school trips extra utilities and Bill's, pocket money, presents. Unless we play the bad guys and make some serious cuts in long standing hobbies and commitments. My 11 year old stepson plays football at a high level which isn't cheap but something has done for five years and his mum has kept up all this time. The 9 year olds do martial arts which also costs money and time. When we sat down to crunch numbers and I put all these things down with the help of my sister who is a single mum so helped me break it down, husband says I'm being pessimistic and with child benefit it will balance out as he doesn't have to pay and she will pay two thirds of what he was paying but the numbers don't lie.

How can I make him see what we are getting into?

@SMNOTRP, Do you gave family support? Being a step mum is a very tough job so you will need support around you to vent or just have a place to go when it becomes too much.

Ha! Careful what you wish for / what you bluff. Your DH sounds like a charmer, happy to leave her to do the shitwork with tiny children but now the kids are older and easier wants to rush in like Prince Charming. She was absolutely right about the lack of full time jobs with child friendly hours and the difficulties of combining hospital clinical work with children. Presumably though you both thought she was lying about that like she lied about kids costing money to bring up . Firmly on her side here like most other PPs.

I always wonder why it's ok for the dad to be the NRP but when it's the mum its not ok. Think about for a second they broke up but shes been unable to further her career due to having his dc, working PT as a nurse. Whilst you're dh has been able to further his career. You're dh moaned that the maintenance was enough and wouldn't give etcs for activities or uniform. I get £140 ex goes half on uniform and activities. Now shes trying to move further in her career by doing a masters and give You're NRP and shes the bad guy by you're own admission she maintained the kids activities without any support from you're dh.

Sounds like it's time for you're dh to have a understand what it's like to be a real parent.

When they first separated, they had 2 year old twins and a 4 year old. The ex wife has had primary care for 7 years, and has clearly struggled. She’s a nurse, and we all know how hard work that is. She’s had to juggle part-time work with childcare and is still renting after 7 years (whilst you and your husband own).

I’m not surprised that she’s jumped on this chance to equalise her career and financial situation, plus she must be exhausted.

The children are probably more financially expensive now than when they were little, but they’ll be a heck of a lot easier in terms of time and energy expenditure.

I think this is a very fair way to pay her back for the previous 7 years.

What you need to do is to make it very clear to your husband that he will need to step up as a parent and not expect you to slot into his ex-wife’s role whilst his life just carries on as before.

I'm another one who finds this amusing that the dad suddenly realises that kids are expensive and hard work.

Will he have to make any job sacrifices to care for the kids? Who will pay for the childcare, which is likely to be more than £350 a month for wrap around care? Will he expect the Exw to pay for the activities and football boots?

Who will take time off in the school holidays or pay for the more expensive childcare?

Firmly on her side here like most other PPs.

Hardly surprising in a forum that is notoriously negative about and spiteful to stepmums 🙄

So he felt maintenance was costing too much and so he offered to be RP instead.

Now he is RP but feels maintenance isn't enough?

I feel like I must be confused and not understanding this?

Otherwise surely it's a case of grass is always greener and instead of learning a lesson from it, the dad is refusing to accept that he was wrong to accuse his ex of having enough money to be RP and she was fair to ask for his contribution to things that cost over and above his minimum CMS payments.

Am I missing something?

Am I missing something?

The husband isn’t thinking maintenance isn’t enough. He thinks they’ll be fine. But OP has worked out the costs of everything and realised they can’t afford to move to a bigger house etc.

He hasn’t thought it through but wants to be the RP - OP said he was happy when his ex suggested it - so has his head buried in the sand.

Also the ex will be paying much less maintenance than he did as only works part time.

The mum is trying to get her career on track by doing an MA and living frugally to be able to buy a property. Presumably the past seven years the exh has managed to progress his career and war enough to get on the property ladder by benefitting from the fact he is not having to work around childcare.

It’s the mums turn now. And he wanted it.

I totally would not accept any financial responsibility or be the default main carer in OP’s shoes. The father can do that as he has volunteered to be the RP.

And the mum may be paying less maintenance but proportionally she’ll be paying exactly the same Amount of CMS her ex did to her. The mum lived on less the dad will be living in a higher salary plus CMS. Which should be completely fine if his ex wife was expected to live on a much lower income plus CMS and still managed.

It’s the mums turn now. And he wanted it.

But will she still agree when the Dad realises they can’t afford to move so the 3 kids would be living most of the time in a 2 bed flat?

It’s simply not feasible.

If you’re still reading OP (and I wouldn’t blame her for leaving the thread) make a spreadsheet showing it won’t work even with child benefit. Maybe that will make him pull his head out of the sand.

Hope it all works out ok.

But will she still agree when the Dad realises they can’t afford to move so the 3 kids would be living most of the time in a 2 bed flat?

OP said they could rent a bigger place, which is what the mum does.

But again - why should the op have to sell her home & rent just to accommodate her dh & his ex?
This issue here isn't who pays what to whom - it's about the fact that TWO (bio)parents are making unrealistic decisions around the care of their kids & in doing so are expecting op to change up her life to suit them. They cannot afford for the dm to stay part time, do an MA & have & the df to house & care for the kids - their lack of time & resources have nothing to do with the op. BOTH parents have their heads in the sand & op is quite rightly worried how this will pan out as neither parent is being realistic.

no one is criticisng OP - she has it right.

So it is OK for the mum to rent a big place for all kids but the NRP can shove them in one room.

So many doubel standards here. No issue with OP - she is right her DP is an arse

@Magda72, assuming Op is on 18k as per the percentages then budgets are going to be very tight, for 3 children.

Even if the mum increased her CMS to the same amount as Dad was paying they will still struggle. Upshot the Mum & Dad are struggling to house and feed 3 children but the Dad, at least, has a partner to share bills is better off.

I think we all agree that the OP is in a difficult situation but I can't see the Dad acknowledging the issue as he will have to admit that he can't do what the mum has had to cope with for the last few years.

That is hilarious! Good for her. She's brought up kids from toddlers and maintained a career whilst your DH has had them once a fortnight. He's been able to work without childcare limitations, buy a property and forge a new relationship with a partner (with whom he gets to share living costs).
You considered her unreasonable for wanting an additional contribution over and above the legal minimum and now you're starting to see just exactly what she's been dealing with.

OP said they could rent a bigger place, which is what the mum does.

I would not agree to that in a million years if my DH ever suggested it.

Lose my asset and chance of owning my home so his ex could do an MA. Utter ridiculousness!

presumably the mother wants to get on the property ladder and build up her pension after having taken a massive financial hit for bringing up the dc by herself.

I wouldn’t give up my house either in OP’s shoes, I wouldn’t pay extra for anything and I wouldn’t do any of the drudge work involved either. This is the father’s decision and he should get on with it.

Having said that, maybe they could rent out their house to cover the mortgage and rent a larger home for themselves whilst they are the RP’s.

Another laughing at the irony. £365 is more than enough when dp is the nrp doing eow, but now he'll be rp dc suddenly cost a fortune.

As for the difference in maintenance, the way I read it the dm will be having them 2 nights a week, the df only had them eow. So you'd expect her to pay less than he did.

Fair enough if you didn't realise that's what you were signing up to op, you don't have to stay. But the dm doesn't have to plan her life around maintaining the current imbalance just because you prefer it.

Yep good friends of ours own and rent out their 2 bed flat and rent a 4 bedroom house

@TrainspottingWelsh (& others) - remove the op from the equation (assume both dh & exp are single) and what would dh & exp do?
I guarantee you dh would be telling exw he can't afford to be rp & exw would be holding off on doing an MA until the kids are older. I think BOTH of them are being arses & BOTH are thinking this scenario will work because op is there to take up the financial & physical slack. They are putting THEIR parenting issue on op which is just wrong.
And @stuffedpeppers - maybe not you, but others are definitely on here slagging off the op which again is just wrong. I don't get any vibe that op is dissing the exw - she's just pointing out (& is justifiably worried) that what dh & exw are planning is just not viable.
I don't for one minute think mums should take up all the parenting slack but when you divorce & if you don't do 50/50, & become the rp that comes with certain restrictions - just as when you become the nrp that comes with a reduction of contact with your kids. These are things that both parents have to learn to live with while kids are young & it infuriates me that many bio parents 'use' stepparents to alleviate career/financial/access issues.

I agree with you that your h is being insane and that you are correct to think that all of the extra costs will be more than £325/child benefit+250

Will the kids live with their Dad just during the masters? If it's just for a year then your h should shoulder the extra financial cost of being RP. (I mean you shouldn't give up your personal luxuries like haircuts, gym membership etc to compensate him)

You need to put in some strong boundaries now. You won't be leaving work early to do pick ups. You won't be cooking and cleaning for 5 rather than 2. He needs to take on the RP mental load- food planning, making sure homework is done but also make time to chat about their friends and worries, organizing their birthday parties, scheduling appointments at dentist/optician... Make sure he knows that he needs to take time off if they are sick and he needs to organize holiday childcare in advance etc

magda I don't see that the situation would change from the dm's POV if the df was single. He doesn't have any right to say he can't afford it, financially, emotionally or time wise when the dm has had to manage so far.

The df is of course a knob, and should have been honest from the start with op, i.e admitting he paid only the legal minimum and left the responsibility to his ex, and if that should ever change then ops lifestyle would too if they moved in together, but that's nothing to do with the dm.

This man is th esort of arse who will once Ex has her masters and hopefully gets a payrise who will turf the DCS back to her and then ask to pay less in maintenance to cover his costs of having them for a year and that she des not need the same amount of monies as before.

Sorry OP - you are right, but your DH is a dickhead

I think the ex realises that the kids with their Dad isn’t a long term thing and is jumping at the chance to do the MA before the novelty wears off

She’s probably also hoping that a stint with his kids full time will make him a bit less of a dick to her assuming that kids can be brought up on buttons

I don’t blame her for calling his bluff at all

Ooh