Husband's Ex Wife demanding more money, HELP!

[NewbieSM]

Hi there, I've been lurking on Mumsnet for about 6 months now and this is my first post..

I've been married to my husband for 3 years and it mostly been amazing, we are best friends, get on with family and his two DD's (10 and 8). I myself don't have any kids but grew up in blended family so feel I can relate to the girls on this level and get on really well.

DH has custody EOW and half the holidays, but will often have them extra weekends or public holidays when possible. This means DH pays child maintenance to EXW (as he should) of £160 p/w. Now on top of this we are responsible for paying for school uniform and shoes, 50% of clothes for both houses, trainers, all dental and braces, stationary (including iPad and laptop), tennis lessons and dance lessons, all trips, school photos, birthday and Xmas gifts. You name it, we provide it.

Now EXW is a SAHM, was when married to DH and has never had a job since. She is currently supported by her DP and benefits. I'm not underestimating the life of a SAHM, that's her choice, but she is now asking us for MORE money she wants DOUBLE! Says, you have two incomes and by marrying him, I'm agreeing to financially support the kids!

Now I do provide for the kids directly, I buy almost all their clothes with my own money and send them back to her house. I buy gifts, pay for holidays, bills, all stuff the kids benefit from. But there is no way I'm giving that woman any money.

How do we deal with this? She has form for discussing finances with the kids to paint us as the baddies. It's emotional blackmail, says, "you can't go the cinema because Daddy won't give me money" etc.

Don't want to fuck up what has been a relatively amicable arrangement between us. But also don't want fork out more money!

HELP!

Sorry this turned into a novel but I didn't want to miss out anything and I'm ranting a bit

The best thing to do would be for all of you (the adults) to have a meeting.

Ask her to provide the income and outgoings, it's not unreasonable if she is stating that you have a financial responsibility to her children.

Create a budget that works for all of you, not just meets her demands.

Pay bills directly and don't hand over a cash sum, if she's poor with money management then this will help her in the long run.

You sound like a lovely step mother.

She needs to think of it as though he only has one income coming in - his. And work out maintenance based on that figure alone.
You didn’t create their children, so you have zero responsibility towards them.

I think she’s a cheeky fucker bringing you and your money in to it. You could be a millionaire and your income would still be none of her business.

To add to my post, next time she says she can't afford electricity, simply tell her you'll be round in 20 minutes to pick up the kids, as you can't have them staying in a house with no electricity. Cm is to enable her to provide the basics for the dc, and that includes electricity

next time she says she can't afford electricity, simply tell her you'll be round in 20 minutes to pick up the kids, as you can't have them staying in a house with no electricity.

Lol, I think some people on here will have a meltdown when they read this.

Good comeback though and good way to call her bluff. If she’s saying she can’t afford electricity then the children shouldn’t have to stay there. She’ll soon be backtracking.

Sorry I haven't updated earlier, DH saw ex to drop off some shoes the kids left behind. He told her that we would be applying to cms to ensure we are paying correctly. If the amount comes to less, we will maintain the £160 or top up if it's supposed to be more.

She was very unhappy and confided in DH that she has an overpayment of some kind to pay back benefits wise which is why money has been so tight recently. Apparently it's nearly £2500 . Anyway this throws a spanner in the works as she turned in the tears saying that DH wants to see her fail and she can't pay all her bills as she has less coming in now.

Not sure it's our problem though but I don't want there to be any blow back on the kids.

He has suggested a part time job and he has offered to cover after school care so she can work. She says she has applied loads of places but doesn't get called back.

We are going to stand firm about this though as you are all right, she is taking advantage and we let her out of a sense of guilt and obligation to the kids.

Thanks so much for all your advice, trying to not overstep as a step mum is hard but I also want to make sure they don't go without. A balancing act I guess.

I did wonder if she'd declared it when the new guy moved in...

her partner works away sometimes and we live too far from school to support much during the week, so she's limited to school hours only or kids would be in after school/ breakfast club

Like thousands of other women! She needs to get her finger out, retrain,, do some courses, get some skills, apply for more jobs and start working. The lazy cow. The cheek asking you to pay for her dc while she sits on her arse and gets benefits!!

so she's limited to school hours only or kids would be in after school/ breakfast club

Like the rest of us then

The lazy mare needs to get a job - simple.! Why isn't she working to provide for her kids.? I understand it's hard to work with young children but really she has no excuse. Milking the benefit system

I’d be keeping clothes you’ve bought her at your house. Pay for school trips etc directly to the school.

It's not your DH she should be crying to, it's her new DH. She needs to get a job, any job

Go through CMS.

Go through CMS. This happened to some I know and in fact they were overpaying ( they didn’t reduce payment but it stopped her from asking for more)

I think most of her benefits have been reduced because her DP now lives with them. But he has his own expenses including cm for his son, so I don't think he has matched what she was receiving in benefits.

I agree about the part time job, she has been a sahm for 10 years mainly because she was unemployed/ at uni when she fell pregnant with SDD1 and then childcare for two kids would wipe out her earnings.

When they divorced she did receive a large settlement but couldn't get a mortgage as she had no job. I'm not sure what happened to the money maybe she has used it for rent over the last 6 years?

She made a choice to move a new partner in. She knew what she was getting herself in to (financially) when she let him move in. It’s not up to your dh and certainly not up to you to make up any financial short falls she faces from that decision.

She can always ask him to move out again.
I find it quite odd how she won’t ask him to make up the shortfall financially in their household, but yet she expects her ex husband’s wife to make up for it instead with her “two incomes” comments. .

She's getting the thick end of £700 a month from your dh which is above what he'd be paying if you went through the cms (that's if he earns 50k and have them eow). If you add that to any benefits, if she still gets any, there is absolutely no reason she can't afford electricity, not to mention her partners wage.

so she's limited to school hours only or kids would be in after school/ breakfast club

Or she can use a childminder so could have more flexibility in what work she does.

There are jobs she could get that she could work from home. I have friends who do things like Avon, Osbourne Books etc.

If she has 2500 to pay back it's probably because she carried on with tax credits after her partner moved in. She should have declared it sooner. Happened to me but only about £600 I had to pay back

So if she expects more money because of your earnings, what about her DPs earnings.

Her children are in ft education. She can get a job...she's just lazy.

Hell would freeze over before I demand that another woman contributes to the upkeep of my DC.

She's taking the piss and I suspect it's because she thinks you'll both let her.

You've not adopted the kids...they're not your financial responsibility.

I agree with Allheart . CMS is the bare legal minimum and goes nowhere near the cost of raising a child. You sound lovely but unfortunately there are some stepmothers who jump at the chance to reduce maintenance. Please ignore such posts - they are materialistic and not considering the best interests of the child.

If she's struggling financially the lazy mare needs to get a job. She can use wrap around care if she can't find anything that is school hours only.

You sound lovely for the record OP! we had an identical request when I sold my home and moved to a bigger house to accommodate my husband and his children at weekends. We ignored it but the mentions from the children of "mum says she can't afford X because you dont give her enough money" increased.

My SC on the other hand have benefitted hugely from my income. We pay for holidays, clothes, kitted out both their bedrooms and will be buying cars for both of them at some point. We also pay for all schooltrips, tutors, tech etc above the maintenance we pay. That has been since I came into the picture and we combined our finances into our family pot.

The badmouthing hasnt stopped though - if the kids mention we're going somewhere they get "oh well that's nice if you can afford it" or "they must be made of money" from their mum. A few weeks ago DSS was told he couldnt go on a schooltrip because "dad doesnt give me enough to look after you, he keeps all his money for himself". We resolved that one by paying our DSS directly.

Find out if your school uses Parentpay and then see if you can have it setup in your name, that way there's no money passing hands and stand firm on the CSA amount. You have worked hard to get the salary and lifestyle you currently have, nobody else is entitled to take money from you and she should be ashamed for trying.

You sound very calm and reasonable, OP. Not sure I would be!

You’ve had some great advice about paying direct for things rather than upping her income. But the point is your income is NOT up for grabs.

Totally agree it’s time to for her to get a job. I know you can’t ask but wonder if she is applying for unrealistic things.

I know it’s some way off but I do wonder if she has given any thought to what happens when child maintenance stops when the children are grown up.

I'd advise you to work out how much you would be paying if the kids lived with you full time. For us it would mean bigger mortgage, Bill's, outgoings with less maintenance from their mum than we pay. This backfired on my husband big time.