Husband's Ex Wife demanding more money, HELP!

[NewbieSM]

Hi there, I've been lurking on Mumsnet for about 6 months now and this is my first post..

I've been married to my husband for 3 years and it mostly been amazing, we are best friends, get on with family and his two DD's (10 and 8). I myself don't have any kids but grew up in blended family so feel I can relate to the girls on this level and get on really well.

DH has custody EOW and half the holidays, but will often have them extra weekends or public holidays when possible. This means DH pays child maintenance to EXW (as he should) of £160 p/w. Now on top of this we are responsible for paying for school uniform and shoes, 50% of clothes for both houses, trainers, all dental and braces, stationary (including iPad and laptop), tennis lessons and dance lessons, all trips, school photos, birthday and Xmas gifts. You name it, we provide it.

Now EXW is a SAHM, was when married to DH and has never had a job since. She is currently supported by her DP and benefits. I'm not underestimating the life of a SAHM, that's her choice, but she is now asking us for MORE money she wants DOUBLE! Says, you have two incomes and by marrying him, I'm agreeing to financially support the kids!

Now I do provide for the kids directly, I buy almost all their clothes with my own money and send them back to her house. I buy gifts, pay for holidays, bills, all stuff the kids benefit from. But there is no way I'm giving that woman any money.

How do we deal with this? She has form for discussing finances with the kids to paint us as the baddies. It's emotional blackmail, says, "you can't go the cinema because Daddy won't give me money" etc.

Don't want to fuck up what has been a relatively amicable arrangement between us. But also don't want fork out more money!

HELP!

Sorry this turned into a novel but I didn't want to miss out anything and I'm ranting a bit

after we see an income and expenditure report

I don't think you mean badly OP, but you cannot ask for this. I mean, would you want to provide one to anyone? Maybe you could allow the ex-wife to make a few suggestions about where you could make some savings in order to provide the extra cash she's asking for.

That's no less reasonable than asking her to justify herself to you.

(Excluding serious financial mismanagement on either side - addictions, breeding racehorses, buying helicopters, that sort of thing. But you'd be aware of that anyway. What you're talking about is presumably more along the lines of a phone contract that seems too dear, or groceries bought from m&s instead of aldi.)

Definitely go through CMS. My DP was in a similar situation in that he paid for everything for his DS, bought all his school uniform despite his mother claiming a grant for uniforms etc. She wanted more money weekly but he refused, knowing not a penny of it was being spent on his son.

I'm not being harsh when I see you are being a walk over. It's great that you are focussing on the kids but when does it stop? You are enabling the ex not to take responsibility for her life. If she was your child you wouldn't continue to throw money at her. Shes an adult who lives with another adult who both need to.take responsibility for their own lives. If you found out she spent all the money on heroin what then? Your are both infantalising her.

Why have you come on here if you won't take any notice of the advice you're offered?
As plenty of others have said, get your husband's contributions assessed via the CMS. Your income isn't taken into account.
Problem sorted, you silly woman.

“She was fine with the arrangement for 3 years, what's changed?!”

Well you mention a new partner, so that will be what’s changed.

Partners of resident parents are expected to financially support children, their income affects benefits and what she’ll be entitled to for the children.

So presumably she’s thinking it should work that way for non resident parents too... it doesn’t, obviously, but I’d assume that’s where it’s coming from.

No need to start name calling fluffy hippo, I have taken on board comments and advice I've received. DH is refusing to provide extra money and will tell her today. Going cms to pay less and no longer paying for uniform and extracurriculars will do nothing except harm the kids. We are fine contributing at this level and are not looking to pay less, just don't want to pay more.

So maybe our hope of an amicable relationship with her is a pipe dream but we are trying to do the best with a shit situation and put the kids first.

She will just have to live within her means and budget better I suppose.

It's just the guilt thing, we are lucky to have a good standard of living and it's a bit depressing the disparity between the two homes, we just try to balance it as much as we can.

I disagree with the name calling but you are being a push over. It's not your fault she won't get a job and that's why there's a difference in standard of living. What's she going to do when the kids have left home? She will have to get off her arse and support herself. It's not your problem.

I'm glad your DH has refused this.

This means DH pays child maintenance to EXW (as he should) of £160 p/w. Now on top of this we are responsible for paying for school uniform and shoes, 50% of clothes for both houses, trainers, all dental and braces, stationary (including iPad and laptop), tennis lessons and dance lessons, all trips, school photos, birthday and Xmas gifts. You name it, we provide it.

Not sure what his maintenance is being used for if it's not already paying for half of most of this!

You are being taken for a total ride & are letting this happen. Treating your scs is lovely but you should not be buying clothing basics etc. for them. It shouldn't be expected of you, nor is it your place to do so.

You say this is amicable but it's not. Any form of emotional blackmail on the part of one parent or another is NOT amicable coparenting.
You are your dh are basically supporting his ex & her partner & you're letting it happen - the more you do this the more they will request.

I'm not for one minute saying your dh should reduce maintenance because he shouldn't if he can afford it. However he should go down the cms route so he knows exactly where he stands. Her electric should not be paid for by your dh - his only obligation is to ensure he covers his contribution to her bill on behalf of his kids.

She gets £640 maintenance, £140 child benefit, will be in receipt of UC/Housing benefit, she is hard up through her own choice especially when you half on everything, no need to run out of electricity.
Stand your ground, your £ is yours and fuck all to do with her, you sound a fab step mum.

Maybe we could agree to give a little more after we see an income and expenditure report? Just so we can have a clearer idea of what money is needed where?

This won't help because the issue is money management and lack of responsibility on the part of the mum. She knows that when she runs out of money and her electricity goes off, she can cry to your DH and he will fix it - it won't ever change until that changes. There are 2 adults in her household, at least one of them could prioritise electricity as a necessary expense!

I don't want the kids having no electric at home

It's kind that you think this way but what goes on in their other home really isn't up to you to fix. You will probably find if your DH stops coming to the rescue, there will be a lot less incidents like this.

Does she need more money because her partner has moved in with her, reducing her benefits? How much could she actually be getting in benefits, with two school-age children?

How easy would it actually be for her to get a job if she's limited to school hours or term-time jobs? Was it solely her choice to stop working when the kids were born?

I don't think you should pay double, but you and DH have 90K a year between you with no other dependents. That is a huge disparity between the households. It doesn't sound like it would hurt you much to up it to 200/week and this might mollify her.

Maybe she's just being greedy, but it's the children who will go without, and it sounds like she could try to poison them against you as well. Is it worth the risk to save a bit of money? (Again, not saying you should double -- that's obviously too much.)

CMA is calculated at 20% for two children, on a wage of £50,000 I think that's £833.00 pm. I may be wrong but he may be underpaying. (waits to be told my maths is rubbish : )

I don't think you should pay double, but you and DH have 90K a year between you with no other dependents. That is a huge disparity between the households. It doesn't sound like it would hurt you much to up it to 200/week and this might mollify her.

I wouldn't do this at all. £800 a month is not 50% of what it costs for 2 children. That's almost a full-time wage for some people!

There is no way this mum can't do at least some level of work to support her own kids, rather than OP chipping in to pay for them instead! It's madness.

Wouldn’t your husband be better looking at CMS paying what he should and saving the difference if it’s less for the kids?
At least then it’s going for their future not being paid for things twice?
It sounds as if a lot is going on superficial things when it could be saved for their future ie university, house deposit x

Ok so we will apply to the csa to make sure we are paying the correct amount. They just used an online calculator I believe but because his income is changeable it is an estimate.

I agree we shouldn't reduce as the fallout would be worse than the saved £££. I don't know how much or what type of benefits she claims, or her dps income only know that's she says they're hard up.

Also we cover the entire cost of extra curriculars and school costs not 50% only clothes are 50/50 as she buys for her home sometimes. She cannot afford dance lessons etc but that's fine we agreed to pay.

In terms of a job I wouldn't hold out much hope, I don't think she's ever had a job (was a student when DH met her, got pregnant etc.) so I think she will struggle to find something.

We have two options; maintain the status quo and she stops the money requests. Or go to the csa and pay that with a bit on top but no extras?

OP
Give the CSA amount and pay the clubs, trips but stop the 50% on everything, between maintenance and CB that’s nearly £800pm! If she can’t feed & clothe kids off that then she has issues with budgeting. They see you two as easy ££, if you feel like buying a pair of shoes buy them but no extra cash, she could get a pt job at least, retail, hospitality etc

I just did a quick calculation on the government maintenance calculator. I’ve assumed 52-103 nights per year with their father for this. The ex is demanding a level of payment in line with a salary of around £160k. Plus presumably she still wants to go 50/50 on everything else on top of that. So God only knows what salary levels you’d need to be on before CMS decided that level of payment. All this before so much as a pair of socks has been bought at their fathers home. This woman is on another planet entirely.

Stop handing her money.

Pay the required amount dictated by the cms and then 'buy' if she needs.

Pay the dentist directly
Pay the electric directly
But clothes and give them to the dc
Pay the school directly for things
Pay the club for activities
If she says she needs £15 for a school trip, tell her you'll sort it with the school.

My friend is going through the same. He's now said directly to the dc that if they want something then all they have to do is ask, and within reason he'll sort it.

But STOP paying her money directly other than the cms amount.

So she thinks because you married him that you have taken on financial responsibility for his DC. Has her new DP done the same? The brass neck and sense of entitlement of the woman astounds me. Doesn't work and want another woman to contribute towards her kids. Glad your DH has said no

You sound like a lovely step mum. If she needs extras I’d pay direct if you want to. But sounds like she really needs to think about working if she can. I have two children with disabilities (one with severe needs at a special school) and we can’t access any after school care because of their needs. I’ve done some work from home but now work in a school in a less than ideal job but it fits with the kids.

It doesnt matter how much money you give someone if they can't budget the money will simply vanish. If you try and suggest she budget better she'll see you as the bad person.
If this were me I think i'd do the CSA calculation and pay her that.
Pay the school direct, classes etc so the children dont miss out
Whatever the difference is put into savings for the kids when they are older - with any luck they'll have better budgeting skills than their Mum with your help, support and guidance

CSA is the bare minimum - but you know you are covering all these extras so do not let people make you feel bad for paying the minimum when you know its all those extras that really add up but also add the most value to the kids lives

The mother needs to get off her arse and get a job it's that simple. Once you give her more then she will want something else. The answer is no and if she doesn't like it tell her to go through CMS. As for the electric if they run out then tell her to send the kids round to yours who has electricity.

I do mostly have sympathy for mothers when the ex’s are arses. However, your dh goes above and beyond. He’s contributing what my dh earned in a full time wage a few years back. She needs to get out and work, if only for her own benefit. She can’t rely on her kids for income forever.

I think if you are paying this much then stick to it. With regards to clothing, Buy clothing for your house and she buys for hers (except school uniform once a year).
When the children arrive Friday evening put them in your pjs and put mums clothes in a bag, then Sunday evening put mums clothes back on. What clothes she sends them in doesn’t matter so much anymore x