DSD 7 screaming

[OneDayAtATimex]

DSD is 7 and stays with us every weekend on a Friday till Sunday morning. We occasionally have her one night in the week also.

She's a nightmare when it comes to bed time sometimes, she left her mum about 2pm but is screaming to go home.

It's just her avoiding bed time but she really screams constantly, works herself into a right mess and it goes on for hours.

I leave DP to manage it and I go in and give him a break after a while but he then takes back over. She's had her favourite dinner, we've played some of her games she got for Xmas and she's had time on her iPad.

We've let her go home once before and it started a whole load of other problems, she started demanding at the drop of a hat to be picked up and would scream, again for hours, if she couldn't be picked up to go home.

It started to interfere with her mums work and quite frankly, a 6 year old doesn't get to dictate...

How would you manage this? I have no kids and it's DPs only child so we're all learning.

She's very stubborn and will cry for hours...

Does her mum know?
Was she ok before?
Is her dad consistent with the bed routine?

My exP has a kid around that age and we’ve never had this. We had the occasional ‘I want my mummy’ when she hurt herself, but then she’ll hurl herself at me to kiss it better.

So, what do you think is going on? I wouldn’t force her, but I would distract her.

Her mum knows and says DSD can be a bit suffocating but has spent all day with her today.

DP is consistent with her, she has her dinner, bath, hair dried, half hour on the iPad and then as soon as you mention bed time the tears start. It's not all the time maybe 2 weekends out of 5. DP always lays with her until she falls to sleep (can take up to an hour, not sure how he's ever going to get out this habit). When she screams at night, we ask her the following morning why she behaved that way, what made her feel that way and she just laughs it off, she barely remembers it!

She has plenty of 121 attention from her mum and dad and I always make an effort with her when she's here.

Its not just our house, once she stayed at her Nanny's (her request!) and screamed until the early hours and her mum eventually had to fetch her...

I wonder if there is anything she would rather be doing than screaming - like listening to stories or something? Something that is obviously impossible if tehre is a racket going on.

Apols for the lame suggestion, you have probably already tried that but just in case...

He reads her a story before she goes to sleep when she's not screaming. Anything we suggest results in more screaming and tears, the only thing that would make her happy is being able to go home or going on her iPad.

We could let her go home but she needs to understand that she has two homes, two families that love her and she's absolutely fine unless she's going to bed.

We've let her have an extra five minutes on the iPad on the provision she brushes her teeth, calms down and goes to bed. We've just taken the iPad off her and low and behold more screaming to go home.

DP refuses to let her have the iPad all night and rightly so.

Probably it’s the iPad then. I would suggest not giving her the iPad at all tomorrow for tonight’s behaviour, only if she goes nicely to bed tomorrow night she can have it for a bit on Sunday.
Honestly, just how long is she on the iPad in a day?

Honestly she gets around 45 minutes on the iPad per day she's with us. Not on a school evening though.

Half hour before bed and 15 minutes in the morning.

Just before bed is about the absolute worst time for the iPad. No screaming at night equals iPad time in the morning. The transition away from the screen when she's tired is probably half the problem.

Would it be possible to transition to reading the book in bed and starting an audio book they listen to together? She might just fall asleep without a harsh 'bed time' transition?

It sounds tough - you have my sympathies x

iPad could be the case but she screamed at her Nanny's house and they don't have an iPad for her to watch... weird.

Audiobook is a good idea.

Bloody neighbours from the flat upstairs have knocked on to ask if all is ok!

I’d definitely move the iPad time away from bedtime/ they’re far more appealing than bed. My 6 year old has screen time when I’m cooking tea then after tea is playing, maybe a bath, stories and bed and the night when I’m tired and let them watch TV after tea time are much much harder to get them to sleep. Also some playing going to sleep games during the day helps lots- putting teddies to bed, getting them drinks stories, turning the lights out etc.

Take the ipad much earlier than the bedtime. If she goes to bed without the screaming she gets it in the morning. If she screams she doesn't get it.

You can't reward bad behaviour. Definitely try an audiobook but not on the ipad

I think the screaming is just a tall tantrum (something toddlers do to get their own way but she is 7) she needs to learn screaming does not get her what she wants. To be honest, I would film her, maybe her seeing herself in the cold light of day where you can talk about this may make a difference.

And you are right, 7 year olds do not dictate.

You should never put ipad- bedtime in quick succession, it is not only waking her up but she is screaming to stay in the iPad not because she is asked to go to bed.

I would remove the iPad before the bath, night story after drying up her and lights off. Don’t stay with her until she falls asleep, she is old enough to settle herself and you are creating a bad habit.

We could let her go home but she needs to understand that she has two homes, two families that love her
If she wants to go home to her mum then why are you basically holding her captive? I’d feel awful if I was the mum and my child was screaming for me on a regular basis. If anyone else was screaming like that you’d take the hint that she didn’t want to be there, but just because she’s a child you think it’s ok to force her? Whether she has two families that love her is irrelevant - if she doesn’t want to be with you then surely that’s up to her. Contact is supposed to facilitate the child’s needs, not be something that’s forced upon them because the parent wants it.

Is she attention seeking? At 7 she doesn’t need her dad laying on the bed with her.

Maybe you should do a version of controlled crying.

Put her to bed, explain its bed time, and time to go to bed. Then sit on a chair in her room. If she cries, say to her that dh is sitting there, so she is safe and loved, and then ignore/read a book. Maybe repeat once or twice that it’s time for bed, so you are not going to respond any more to let her sleep. As time goes on, move the chair further away, and then sit outside.

Controlled crying isn’t popular on mn, but it works.

Read a Toddler Taming - has lots of good advice.

If she wants to go home to her mum then why are you basically holding her captive?

Erm... for the same reason you don’t allow young kids to go and sleep with granny or their friends when they are annoyed? It is not her call, she is 7 and lives with her father on x number of nights a week.

My DS 8 has relaxing (meditation music) on for 5 minutes while I sit with him before bed. Then I kiss him say goodnight and leave. He slept in with me until the beginning of this year and now goes to sleep on his own no problems.

Keeping a child away from her mother and her primary home is not the same as saying she can’t sleep over with a friend. Especially not when it’s happening on a regular basis. It isn’t a whim or a tantrum - she doesn’t want to be there and unwanted overnight contact is apparently being forced on her. How awful.

Ime you have allowed /provided far too many crutches..
She has you both dancing op.

What is her routine at her mum’s?

I know I say this on every sleep thread but I'd try audiobook or CBeebies radio. Plus a reward for not screaming, say slightly later bedtime or extra iPad time in the morning.

I wonder if she is brushing it off the next day because she doesn’t want a punishment.

You could try Pom poms in a jar. If she goes to bed nicely she gets a Pom Pom. X amount of Pom poms means a treat of her choosing - decided at the start of the process as incentive. Pom poms can also be lost for a bad bedtime.

Holding her captive 😂😂😂

She's absolutely fine any other time and we did actually release her back to her mums (joke) when she cried at night. Her mum needs a break too!

DP and her mum decided it isn't right that she comes to do the fun things with us, we take her out and play with her and our house is actually a nice place to be. It's instilling the wrong ideas that she only has to come when she's getting a treat or day out.

@AvaSnowdrop, I wouldn’t be surprised if she is demanding to be taken to Daddy’s when she doesn’t get her way at mum’s.

It is very common for kids to play the same card on both homes if they think they can get away with it.

I would manage this by both the parents and the nanny meeting and agreeing a consistent bedtime routine that is implemented and stuck to by everyone. Wherever this child goes, she needs the same routine and the same process done by the adults when she starts to scream.

I have never heard of a 7 year old doing this and it strikes me that it’s a way of controlling all the adults around her. The fact that she laughs the next morning tells me this isn’t genuine trauma / upset. She screams = attention. Especially if daddy lies with her until she falls asleep. What better way to manipulate an adults time? As a kid I wouldn’t stop either if it resulted in it all being about me. My parents wouldn’t have tolerated it (probably would have ignored it to be fair and quite rightly too).

Personally I would implement the controlled crying. But it’s not for the faint hearted and every adult needs to be on board and consistently behave the same. That plus a reward chart.