DSD 7 screaming

[OneDayAtATimex]

DSD is 7 and stays with us every weekend on a Friday till Sunday morning. We occasionally have her one night in the week also.

She's a nightmare when it comes to bed time sometimes, she left her mum about 2pm but is screaming to go home.

It's just her avoiding bed time but she really screams constantly, works herself into a right mess and it goes on for hours.

I leave DP to manage it and I go in and give him a break after a while but he then takes back over. She's had her favourite dinner, we've played some of her games she got for Xmas and she's had time on her iPad.

We've let her go home once before and it started a whole load of other problems, she started demanding at the drop of a hat to be picked up and would scream, again for hours, if she couldn't be picked up to go home.

It started to interfere with her mums work and quite frankly, a 6 year old doesn't get to dictate...

How would you manage this? I have no kids and it's DPs only child so we're all learning.

She's very stubborn and will cry for hours...

OP- no suggestions but does sound like her parents are co parenting well and on the same page.

How long has she been doing this for,

You sound very loving and caring OP, to come and ask for ways to manage this. I’m sure you’re not the wicked stepmother holding her captive 😂.
I’ve done the step parenting thing for 3 years, if I may very very gently suggest, stay out of the education bit. If it’s your house, you make the rules, but leave the parenting to your DP. It’s just not worth it. Be the fun auntie, by all means love her and look after her best interest. But keep your distance .
Hope she settles soon.

Wear her out literally until she doesn't have the energy to scream. Take her to a park for minimum two hours with lots of climbing and running or swimming. Once she's bathed and fed she'll pass out

She’s 7 & being manipulative - because it works!

You ALL need to be firm with her.

No iPad, no treats, no ‘fun’ the next day if she carries on like that. You need sticks, not carrots because you’ll just end up having to up the ‘reward’ all the time.

Put her to bed, leave her door ajar & a hallway light on

Stop DP staying in with her or you’ll still be doing it in several years time. She’s 7, it’s completely unnecessary when she’s getting quality time with her parents (& you).

Just be firm, she’s manipulating, not upset/scared.

I agree with moving the iPad time to earlier.

You can also turn the iPad to night shift mode which turns off the blue light. This is what stimulates the brain and can make her more alert and awake.

Same as everyone else says, try an audiobook or classical music (or white noise), move screen time earlier, absolutely knacker her out and offer a reward if she stays in bed nicely. Maybe a bath before bed to help relax her. Make sure she has a nightlight is she usually uses one. Find out what happens in bedtime routine with mum and make any adjustments to fit in with that might help too.

If it's down to behaviour then you need to look at what happens and change it.
iPad and games downstairs
Up to bath, leave iPad downstairs to charge.
Hair, story
Stories on cd etc.

And tbh I'd do a star chart, as long as she occasionally has a good night or it might not work. Sticker for being a big girl when she goes to bed (try not to talk about the screaming, talk about the positive behaviour you want) leading to a toy/trip out. I'd put a pic of the treat on the star chart as a visual.

Then hopefully you can change it to stop dh having to lie down with her.

i agree that making the ipad a condition of good bedtime behaviour is a good idea. Something else that might help is encouraging her to go up to her room before bedtime to play - if she’s used to going up in advance and allowed to read/ play etc rather than watch TV and try to eavesdrop on adult conversations (my 8 yo DN does this!) she is less likely to get overtired and overexcited

Super nanny would just leave her to cry as long as she didn't leave the room.

It sounds very much like attention seeking.

I'd invest in some earplugs as well.

Maybe consider a little reward for not screaming the house down. Perhaps a chart that shows her good nights and options for treats.

When I say treats, it's something small...like a kiddie magazine, or a choice of something from the pound shop.

That endless crying would drive me up the wall.

I often look after my niece and nephew for the weekend. Now I've banned technology - despite SIL telling me her DCs needed their tablets to sleep- bedtime has become much easier. Bath bedtime story - always works and no more drama.

It’s not some kind of fear of something like shadows/the way something looks in the dark? Scared to be left alone and preferring the bedroom she spends most time in? Could she have a blanket and teddy that are present in both houses for a bit of comfort? Would take some co-ordination with mum but might help?

Her mum lets her stay up late over the holidays so it's definitely worse then. DP has asked her to not bring her ratty and tired but it's not working.

I don't get involved in the parenting side, really. Unless DP says ask Mumsnet what will help

Some good ideas here - thanks. I'm going to get DP to read over them.

I actually took her shopping after Christmas to pick things for her room, she got wall pictures, a clock, money box and a huge fluffy rug. We really wanted her to have her own space that she loves. She has a lamp but DP switches it off when she's fell asleep in bed.

That child we hold captive is currently dressed as Elsa singing and dancing through her karaoke loving life. It's always the same, she's fine the next morning! DP asked her why she behaved like that last night and she just shrugged and giggled...

She’s possibly being manipulative. Is she quite possessive of time with her Dad?

We had this with DH’s eldest from age 6. Every bedtime was a nightmare with her acting up / screaming / tantrums / would
upset her younger sister to cause more havoc. When we got to the bottom of it she was behaving in this way as she didn’t want to miss out and didn’t want her Dad spending time with others. It was the same if we had friends / other family over. Interestingly on the rare nights DH was alone with them she went to bed with no issues.

She’s just trying to exercise control over her situation.

Dh has to stop laying with her as I bet her mother doesn’t. What about if he ‘had to do an errand’ when it was time for her to go asleep after bath etc..

We had similar with youngest dd as we were getting in bed with her and she was just talking and messing about and as soon as we left the room she would kick off. We braved it for a while and no she just goes to sleep.

How much physical exercise is she getting during the day? Could you go for a king walk or play area in the afternoon so she is shattered and a warm bath might knock her out

@QueenAnneBoleyn yes definitely, if we're taking she has to interrupt. The other day we were talking, she starts saying shouting "Daddy, Daddy, Dadddyyyy!!" He stops talking to me and says what baby, I'm talking? and she replied with something really silly about wanting pink zips in her boots not black.

That situation is a regular occurrence...

I don't want to paint her out to be awful, I just have no experience of kids previously to compare to.

I don't have a 7 year old yet but some things that spring to mind.
Ipads are horribly horribly addictive. My 5 year old goes on it v rarely as she turns into an absolute nightmare. It's like a drug. So, before bedtime is a big no no for me.
It also sounds like the screaming has become part of her routine before bed, so you can talk about it during the day - no screaming tonight, go to bed properly like you do for mum, treat in the morning etc.
And yes to physical activity during the day. And keep the lights as low as possible after the bath. Good luck!

My step son used to do exactly the same thing the moment it was bedtime (minus the screaming), would cry that he wanted his mummy and then be absolutely fine in the morning and brush it off if it was mentioned. After a while we decided to try not indulging it. DP would take him to bed (never letting him be up late because it always made him emotional), read him a quick story, he would start the waterworks, and DP would just not engage, give him a cuddle, say goodnight and make a quick exit. He would usually be asleep almost instantly once he learnt he wasnt going to be allowed to stay up as a result.

Honestly from everything you've said, I would be inclined to think she is being naughty/being manipulative. I would try giving it less attention rather than more, and see if she gets the message. If she doesn't, then I would start to discipline her for the screaming. You've already had your neighbours complaining and she needs to learn that screaming non stop is very naughty and antisocial behaviour unless there is an emergency. So like others, she only gets the iPad the next day for a night without screaming. If she is quieter but still problematic I would let her have some iPad time (during the day) for now, as that's progress at least. It's the screaming that's the worst behaviour here.

Your OH needs to stop her interrupting.

It may be worth as a PP said, go for the controlled crying but everyone involved needs to be consistent (not easy, I know). The problem is she has full control of the situation at the moment and a child should not be calling the shots.

Eventually with DH’s eldest what worked for us was a combination of things:
She was sent to bed with her book, drink, favourite teddy, etc so she didn’t have an excuse to get up.
When she did get up she was just told it was bedtime and taken back to bed. No further discussion (unless she was unwell).
If she did cry / kick off, we left her to it.
If we had a very bad evening, the next day she wasn’t allowed to play on the wii, fun trips out were cancelled and she was sent to bed slightly earlier (especially if she presented as tired).
She wasn’t allowed friends for a sleepover and wasn’t allowed to attend sleepovers.
It took us a bit of time as her mum wasn’t consistent and let the girls go to bed when they felt like it at her house.

It is hard. I wish you all the luck.

yes definitely, if we're taking she has to interrupt. The other day we were talking, she starts saying shouting "Daddy, Daddy, Dadddyyyy!!" He stops talking to me and says what baby, I'm talking? and she replied with something really silly about wanting pink zips in her boots not black. That situation is a regular occurrence...

Does she get told off for this, out of interest? I would advise suggesting he doesn't let her say her piece until he's finished talking. So I would say "just wait a minute, I'm having a conversation", rather than letting her say what she wants to say straight away. She probably won't listen to the part about him talking if she gets what she wanted anyway.

Does she have any issues around sleep? Does she wet the bed or have nightmares? Is she scared of the dark? The screaming and sleep refusal could be coming from a place of anxiety about something.

I also agree iPad right before bed is not good as the light from iPads are stimulating and will not leave her sleepy and ready for bed after playing. I would scrap the iPad before bed and move it to earlier in the day or in the morning. Maybe set up a reward chart where she can earn up to 45 minutes iPad time by going to sleep on time but for every 5 minutes she shouts and screams etc she loses 5 minutes iPad time the next day. Then follow through so if she has shouted and screamed for 45+ minutes she doesn’t have any iPad time the next day.

He doesn't always pull her up on it, if he can see I'm getting a bit annoyed by it will he say something...

No issues around sleep, she's actually a really good sleeper once she goes to sleep. She gets herself to the toilet in the night, never wets the bed, not scared of the dark.

Get the glitter pens and stickers out and make a massive star chart

Maybe after she’s tucked in bed, she could call her mum to briefly say ‘I love you- sweet dreams- see you tomorrow‘.

She’s having a tantrum, with the updates you’ve said about interrupting she’s sounds very spoilt. It’s all for attention, so don’t give it to her. Come out of the room, close the door and leave her to it.

How's it gone tonight?