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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Pregnant and drained by bf's ex wife drama

71 replies

Rhcat1 · 01/01/2020 17:30

Hey and happy new year. I've never posted before but I've been reading mumsnet posts ever since I got pregnant and would love some advice/opinions.
Been with my partner now for 2. 5 years, we live together and I'm 6 months pregnant with our first baby together. I've no other children but he has 2 small children with ex wife who has been a nightmare since day one. The ex... Not the children. The kids are absolutely adorable and I love them dearly and have a great relationship with them both.
The issue is the ex wife. Basically, since day one she's been high conflict, unreasonable and controlling. Everything revolves around her life, her social life and her job. They don't have set days because of her job so he used to have them around 5 days a week.. Then she wanted csa so dropped his nights days down to 3 nights/days a week.. But ever since she's been getting the csa shes upped his nights again saying partner has to be more "flexible". Last month we had them 11 nights in a row, Christmas week we had them 6 nights, this week 5..struggling with bills this month so Partner asked if he could only pay half the maintenance because we've had them practically the entire month, to which she spat the dummy and kicked off so to save arguments he transfered the full amount. Meanwhile she's out socialising, living the life of luxury and having her "me" time.
I'm getting more uncomfortable by the day and exhausted with baby due soon, I'm always frustrated and feel like shoving a rocket up my bfs arse and telling him to stand up to her. He literally bends over backwards not to upset her and ever since I've known him he's been a total push over with her.
I love my partner deeply, I 100% understand and encourage his kids coming first, as they always will and always should.. But I feel like I come second to his ex wife and her life whilst he dances to her tune.
Basically wondered if anyone's been through this/going through this... What the deal is with CSA if we have kids more and what I should do so that I'm not a miserable mother when my own little bundle of joy comes into the world soon. I just want to be the best mum and step mum but feeling very helpless and frustrated at the minute and whenever I talk to partner about it, he says everything will get better and change but its been 2.5 years and nothing has.
Sorry for the long winded post xx

OP posts:
2020BetterBeBetter · 01/01/2020 17:35

I think your partner should be pushing to have set contact days and nights so it’s easier to plan.

SandyY2K · 01/01/2020 17:53

I agree with the above post. It's easier if parents can so it between them without formal orders, but if she's being difficult, set days are easier.

The problem you have is that it has to come from your BF. If he's been dancing to her tune all the time you've been with him, I don't see that changing.

If it suddenly changes, she'll say it's because he cares less about his DC, because of the new baby.

Junie70 · 01/01/2020 17:59

It must be horrid for the DC not knowing who they are with and when.

Why doesn't your BF go for full custody if she's that unreliable?

AuntieStella · 01/01/2020 18:04

Try not to think of how things were over Xmas as anything other than a one-off - it's really not normal times.

Also, you do need to look at her work, and whether flexibility is truly needed.

Then perhaps work out how your BF negotiates back to the 5nights a week (which was the deal when you moved in, and which everyone used to be happy with). Perhaps with more stability of which nights. As they have been with you most of the time, and restoring what worked before, then he is the main resident parent. She should be paying him maintenance!

ivykaty44 · 01/01/2020 18:07

Your b/f is trying to juggle keeping everyone happy. Your easy to please so you’ll be less happy, ex is difficult to please and can cumbust dramatically so keep her pleased is more effort, children easy to please

This isnt a reflection on you do not take this as a personal slight

You do need to talk a lot to your b/f on a non accusation manner and work out how he can stop trying to keep everyone happy and not making anyone happy.

Hope that makes sense, it’s not a case of you coming last. But you need to work out with him a way of being firm and not allowing ex shit to affect you and him

Original poster
Rhcat1 · 01/01/2020 18:21

Thanks for your replies guys 🙂 they're in the middle of a divorce at the minute, solicitors fees are ridiculous (he's been ordered to pay all her half of the fees) we are so skint I don't know how he's going to do it. he wanted to go to mediation about set days but she refused to go... She can't do set days, my partners got the same days off every week but there's been occasions he's had to call in sick at work because he has no childcare and she tells him it's his job to sort it (even on her days)
She won't let him have full custody of the kids, when he tries to mention csa she will threaten to put him down to 1 day a week, his kids are his life and he wouldn't be able to bare that. It's all control, she rings him constantly, usually to have a go about something...
Kids are so excited about the baby.. They literally kiss my belly lol and they are really happy when they're here. They went through a stage where I could tell the back and forth was starting to take a toll on them..mentally. But this year since they've been with us more they've settled down more and are so chill when they're here.
I feel its probs just my hormones making me vent more but I just feel like she takes the mick.

OP posts:
Original poster
Rhcat1 · 01/01/2020 19:09

@ivykaty44 don't worry I'm here for all advise lol I don't take anything personally, you're spot on with him trying to please everyone... I've bit my tongue when I've wanted to say something but it's not my place, it's his. He just never says anything that's the problem lol but I don't want to be a nag or his mental health to suffer trying to please too many people at once. Just wish she'd be less demanding ... And more mindful that not everything is about her.

OP posts:
ivykaty44 · 01/01/2020 19:17

You two need to talk and keep talking about this, it’s no good for him to bottle it up or for you

He needs to realise the empty threats, of reducing to one day...that won’t suit her life style. The sooner he realises that the better as then he can get on with parenting

Her next trick will be to force the children on you around the birth...be prepared, then it’s easy to say yeah sure and make sure you have sitters ready and waiting etc

Remember he loves having the children and she loves sociLising

Original poster
Rhcat1 · 01/01/2020 19:25

@ivykaty44 I would be fuming if she did that after I've just given birth. When she had cosmetic surgery this year we had the kids for 2 weeks so she could "recover" so if she tries to do that when I'm trying to bond with my baby, or recover from childbirth ill just go stay at my mums. Apparantly you're in a warped reality from tiredness when the baby comes lol so I need a little breather to find my feet. But i will never ever make the kids feel like they can't come round or that thier dad loves the baby more than them or anything like that... I want them to be heavily involved as its their sibling. I'll just have to keep my cool and prepare myself for whatever happens

OP posts:
SandyY2K · 01/01/2020 19:35

His solicitor needs to push for a formal agreement with a court order, otherwise whenever the mood strikes, she will withhold contact.

She's already shown signs and made threats, so in reality he will always be at her whim.

Considering how much childcare she needs him to do...how can she realistically put him down to one day a week.

His problem is he's scared of what she'll do.

If contact isbn part of the divorce, just prepare yourself for a lifetime of disruption to your schedule and the kids being dropped off last minute...so your plans get messed up.

My advice for the future would be to let him be the one to feel the impact of last minute requests. If it all falls on you, nothing will change.

SandyY2K · 01/01/2020 19:38

I'll just go stay at my mums.

Good idea. You may need to do this a lot.

Rollonspringtime2020 · 01/01/2020 19:41

Court for 50 /50.
Then he won't pay Cms.

HugoSpritz · 01/01/2020 19:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ivykaty44 · 01/01/2020 19:51

Prepared is forewarned, I’m not trying to put the wind up you. But by being prepared for any eventuality it means you can take the wind out of her sails

Plan that your mum will come and help, or you go to mums but talk about every possible event so you stay calm and don’t have drama.

I can’t remember being excessively tired- everyone is different and every baby is different. So don’t decide before the event that’s how it’s going to be.

Bluff and if she says have the children you and b/f say yes to bonding time and becoming a family of five... you’ll find she changes her tune

If you knee jerk into a reaction she’ll do it all the more...gosling with what ever and make the best of it and you’ll find it stops

Original poster
Rhcat1 · 01/01/2020 19:53

@SandyY2K yeah I gave up about six months into our relationship trying to plan anything as she always changed her plans last minute/swapped days so she could do something or go somewhere that was "far more important" than what we had planned. I let that go long ago.. We literally have no social life because of it.. Sometimes I get resentful but then I choose to be in this relationship..i think if things don't change I'll just end up getting myself out more with the baby.. Fresh air.. Seeing family.. My best friend.. Things that are healthy so I'm not sat in the 4 walls all day everyday pissed off at his ex.. Or pissed off at him for changing our plans ect because she has to do something. She always makes empty threats it's boring now, I know she'll never act on it.. She can't cope with the kids more than 3 nights in a row.

OP posts:
babasaclover · 01/01/2020 19:58

Go for 100% custody - sounds like they're with you most of the time anyway. Maybe the threat of it will stop her being so unreasonable!

AreYouLoco · 01/01/2020 20:02

I think your boyfriend should dissolve his relationship and cease contact with his children and maybe just pay CSA. Nobody can force him to see them, as long as he pays.

That way you can both focus on the new addition to your family. Things will be hell without your partner helping with the newborn. Newborns are tough.

doritosdip · 01/01/2020 20:02

Just go to court and get a CAO do everybody knows where they stands and there's no threats. If she won't cooperate then he can still proceed with the legal process. As he's already doing lots he should go for 50/50 so there's no CMS and she can't make him stay off work so it's more convenient for her. She'd be responsible for childcare on her days and your partner on his.
I assume she works shifts - the courts will know how to deal with shift workers.

ballsdeep · 01/01/2020 20:08

@areyouloco

Are you serious!? You either haven't read the thread or are having a serious lapse of judgement....... Or are you the ops partners ex?

Original poster
Rhcat1 · 01/01/2020 20:12

@doritosdip we asked the solicitor if his csa includes childcare and she said yes, but his ex is adament it doesn't. We can't afford child care so I look after them on my days off.. Yeah she works shifts, I have set days so does he... At the minute the csa isn't court ordered as he's changed his job, but in his old job it was taken straight out of his wages based on his earnings the year before (which he doesn't make now) and they wouldn't review it for another year... They were awful to him on the phone. Anyway she says if he doesn't transfer it then she will go back to make sure it comes straight off his wages.. I'm on maternity as of Feb and his basic is £16,000 (without bonus each month) the entire thing hurts my brain lol

OP posts:
AlternativePerspective · 01/01/2020 20:14

I think your boyfriend should dissolve his relationship and cease contact with his children and maybe just pay CSA. Nobody can force him to see them, as long as he pays. WTAF?

OP, your BF needs to stand up to this woman, if he doesn’t, then this is going to be your life from now on for as long as the DC are dependent. While I know you’re pregnant, if he won’t stand up to his ex and put some proper schedules in place I would seriously re-consider this relationship.

As a matter of interest, why is he only getting divorced two years after you two got together? And why has he been ordered to pay her costs?

AreYouLoco · 01/01/2020 20:15

are you the ops partners ex?

Don't be ridiculous!

It's a suggestion.

Original poster
Rhcat1 · 01/01/2020 20:15

@AreYouLoco absolutely not, that wouldn't even be an option. His kids are his life and rightly so. Even I couldn't go more than 2 days without seeing them as I love them that much. Its not a case of the kids, that's not what I'm talking about. It's the ex.

OP posts:
WorldsOnFire · 01/01/2020 20:17

I would be going to court for 50/50 access and no CMS.
Keep a diary of all the dates spent with you and you can present that. I assume there are texts/some paper trail to evidence the amount of time they are spending with you.

I’m also 6 months pregnant so fully empathise with how your feeling. However,
It sounds as though you view his all of this as an emotional/financial inconvenience to your pregnancy/baby arriving but honestly this should all have been done prior to you having a baby together.

Pantalaimon88 · 01/01/2020 20:20

@AreYouLoco what a disgusting thing to say. Children are not disposable things you can just drop. I hope you are a troll, as you are repulsive.

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