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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Pregnant and drained by bf's ex wife drama

71 replies

Rhcat1 · 01/01/2020 17:30

Hey and happy new year. I've never posted before but I've been reading mumsnet posts ever since I got pregnant and would love some advice/opinions.
Been with my partner now for 2. 5 years, we live together and I'm 6 months pregnant with our first baby together. I've no other children but he has 2 small children with ex wife who has been a nightmare since day one. The ex... Not the children. The kids are absolutely adorable and I love them dearly and have a great relationship with them both.
The issue is the ex wife. Basically, since day one she's been high conflict, unreasonable and controlling. Everything revolves around her life, her social life and her job. They don't have set days because of her job so he used to have them around 5 days a week.. Then she wanted csa so dropped his nights days down to 3 nights/days a week.. But ever since she's been getting the csa shes upped his nights again saying partner has to be more "flexible". Last month we had them 11 nights in a row, Christmas week we had them 6 nights, this week 5..struggling with bills this month so Partner asked if he could only pay half the maintenance because we've had them practically the entire month, to which she spat the dummy and kicked off so to save arguments he transfered the full amount. Meanwhile she's out socialising, living the life of luxury and having her "me" time.
I'm getting more uncomfortable by the day and exhausted with baby due soon, I'm always frustrated and feel like shoving a rocket up my bfs arse and telling him to stand up to her. He literally bends over backwards not to upset her and ever since I've known him he's been a total push over with her.
I love my partner deeply, I 100% understand and encourage his kids coming first, as they always will and always should.. But I feel like I come second to his ex wife and her life whilst he dances to her tune.
Basically wondered if anyone's been through this/going through this... What the deal is with CSA if we have kids more and what I should do so that I'm not a miserable mother when my own little bundle of joy comes into the world soon. I just want to be the best mum and step mum but feeling very helpless and frustrated at the minute and whenever I talk to partner about it, he says everything will get better and change but its been 2.5 years and nothing has.
Sorry for the long winded post xx

OP posts:
NorthernLightsInWinter · 01/01/2020 22:03

TBH, I'd have him go for custody with her paying CSA. he can make a good case for it based on how much he has them now.

Original poster
Rhcat1 · 01/01/2020 22:03

@Sotiredofthislife that would never happen. All we want is 50/50. Set days with us, set days with her so kids know exactly where they are each week and when.

OP posts:
Original poster
Rhcat1 · 01/01/2020 22:11

@strawberry2017 that's all part of the control though. If she doesn't get her own way that's the first thing she does is threaten him with not seeing the kids. He used to believe it but now he knows she's full of shit.. Its all a ploy to get what she wants. She acts like a spoilt brat.

OP posts:
DonnaHaywood · 02/01/2020 00:34

20:32Rhcat1

AlternativePerspective when I met him they'd been seperate nearly a year, the youngest was 16 months old when I met him, and he'd just got the divorce papers through.

So they separated when the youngest was four months old? And he has CMS taken from his earnings, which is very hard to arrange?

I really doubt he's the saintly father you're describing here

Original poster
Rhcat1 · 02/01/2020 07:21

@DonnaHaywood yes they seperatedaround that time, and no, he didn't pay csa at first as they had an agreement in place where he'd have them as and when... That worked for them both until one day she decided to go for csa.. And it was never discussed about coming out of his wages or not it was just organised that way from when she put in for csa.
She was the one who left the marriage when the child was 4 months old not him.

OP posts:
surlecoup · 02/01/2020 08:31

Life

surlecoup · 02/01/2020 08:36

Sorry I lost my post!
So the short version. Court orders worked a miracle for us. I don’t think our relationship would have survived otherwise as I felt owned by DSD’s mum who changed contact arrangements all the time.
My DP now has his daughter 50/50 and so many people have contacted on how well she is with this rhythm which she finds easy to understand, predictable and fair.
A bonus. You mention one little one has a very limited diet. With the base of stability 50/50 has provided we’ve been able to work through some of DSD’s worst diet habits.
So i really advocate considering a court order to stabilise your life!

Harpingon · 02/01/2020 12:07

Attachment to earnings is something the CSA only do once they have tried everything else to get the non paying parent to pay maintenance. It is not routine and very difficult to achevie. He is not telling you the truth. Also be careful that 50/50 does not mean that you are the one looking after all the children in order for him to stop paying maintenance again. I would be questioning everything.

2020BetterBeBetter · 02/01/2020 12:29

Attachment to earnings is something the CSA only do once they have tried everything else to get the non paying parent to pay maintenance. It is not routine and very difficult to achevie.

The non resident parent can ask for this to be done. It doesn’t have to forced upon them. It actually is fairly routine - a set number of reminders are sent and the debt team will then send a letter to them employer regarding it. It’s also very easy once the required steps have been taken. If the non resident parent works for eg the armed forces then it is a attachment to earnings request rather than an order. This can be refused but in principle never is. However, if the owed debt is getting to be five years old, insist it is secured under a liability order (you need to allow a year for it to go to the relevant team and court, hence five years instead of six years as it is secured at the age it is when the order is granted) so that it continues to be owed.

ivykaty44 · 02/01/2020 13:30

CMS has replaced CSA whom it wasn’t difficult to get attachment to earnings if the money wasn’t being paid, but have no experience of CSM that have replaced this service

Frankola · 02/01/2020 15:57

Push for a contact agreement to be drawn up in the divorce. Formalize 50/50 and stop paying maintenance.

She sounds like a nightmare

Clangus00 · 02/01/2020 16:27

Definitely needing this sorted through court!

Willyoujustbequiet · 03/01/2020 13:00

CMS attachment of earnings is definitely a last resort and only done after they have exhausted all other avenues but the dad has still not paid.

The CMS have to go to court to get it. It takes months.... its taxpayers money for proceedings which they don't do on request.....not the same at all as direct pay where they organise the payment between the parties.

Im another one who believes the OP has been told some porkies.

blackcat86 · 03/01/2020 13:33

Its fantastic that your bf is so committed to his children but you need to take a huge leap back especially with the baby due soon. I was in your position where i felt for DSS and wanted to ensure he had all he needed, and support my bf. In the end I basically had no social life and became a 3rd parent supporting a child that wasnt mine physically, emotionally and financially. This will sound harsh but all that helped was being very clear with my now DH that DSS was his child so he couldn't be using me for childcare and I would be making my own plans regardless of whether he had his child or not. It easy for him to dance to his ex's tune when you're so amiable. He avoids his ex's rath then doesn't he. I no longer plan or buy anything for DSS (aside from his favourites in the food shop). The result is that DSS is now older and chooses to come down less but I have been able to concentrate on my now toddler DD (I appreciate it's going to be unpopular but she nearly died as a newborn and was very poorly so shes needed that time and attention from me) and I no longer have to worry about what is happening with DSS. There are no more shitty messages from the ex demanding specific large xmas gifts 2 days before xmas day, demanding lifts (DSS lives 2hrs away) or anything else and DH has to deal with family arrangements etc.

blackcat86 · 03/01/2020 13:35

Oh and absolutely be prepared for drama around the birth of your baby and have your mum on standby so you can go off to hers. I had a c section, a baby in special care who was touch and go, and DHs ex chose that time to message DSS telling him how she was depressed and suicidal. Then DH is trying to deal with that with a 1 day old special care baby. It was ludicrous. We're considering a second and I actually am not intending telling DSS when baby is born until we're home although it will likely be a planned c section. Its heartbreaking but I just knowing his mum will try and ruin it.

Pogmella · 04/01/2020 18:17

I’d adjust your expectations around the baby. It may be your first baby but it’s the 3rd baby in your family. Like any subsequent child it’s needs will need to fit around the care of the first 2.

As a pp suggested perhaps agreeing that when baby is here DP does all care for his kids and you only have to worry about #3 until you’ve all found your feet a bit.

Fiafiafia · 05/01/2020 00:24

oh my goodness Reading your OP and all your comments it’s just like reading about my own life (sans the pregnancy).

My boyfriend of three years with a ss2.5 is doing everything she tells him to. She is unreasonable, changes her plans and expects us to be available exactly whenever she can’t take him. He pays her child maintenance and we have the kiddo about 12-15 nights per week. This amount is purely based on us making ourselves available for the days that she makes other plans. Ei, we always have him 2 set nights per week and if she suddenly says she’s got
Plans one Saturday night and he says he also has plans she’ll leave the kiddo with a friend and we would ‘lose a day’ with him. Whenever my boyfriend requests dates to have him (on days where she doesn’t have plans) it’s a straight up NO followed by ‘I’m the primary caretaker and you having him is not a right, it’s a privilege’. If he then pushes back on that she continues with threats of reducing the days completely and that he’s ‘on very thin ice and she suggests he winds his neck in again and stays quiet’. Why on earth is he so afraid of her??

The second thing is that they don’t have a formal agreement drawn and he’s terrified of getting it formalised. I almost feel like she’s brainwashed him with all the threats. He is terrified of even requesting mediation, not to mention taking things to court.

She lives in a house they both own and he pays for mortgage and child maintenance every month.

Just like you mention I too am losing my social life because we can’t make any plans as we all depend on her schedule, and he can’t request any days in advance so he wants his schedule clear so he can pick up any extra days whenever she offers them last minute.

Exhausting!!

Fiafiafia · 05/01/2020 00:25

Sorry that’s 12-15 nights per month, of course*

chamenanged · 05/01/2020 00:48

My boyfriend of three years with a ss2.5

I can sort of see why she's hostile...

Fiafiafia · 05/01/2020 01:00

Sorry that’s not 3 years it’s 2!!*

Dontdisturbmenow · 05/01/2020 08:24

He is not telling you the truth
I got that feeling reading the first post. Very few women decide to leave their husband when they have a 4 months together without good reasons.

I suspect there is a lot more to it than what OP has been told.

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