Pregnant and drained by bf's ex wife drama

[Rhcat1]

Hey and happy new year. I've never posted before but I've been reading mumsnet posts ever since I got pregnant and would love some advice/opinions.
Been with my partner now for 2. 5 years, we live together and I'm 6 months pregnant with our first baby together. I've no other children but he has 2 small children with ex wife who has been a nightmare since day one. The ex... Not the children. The kids are absolutely adorable and I love them dearly and have a great relationship with them both.
The issue is the ex wife. Basically, since day one she's been high conflict, unreasonable and controlling. Everything revolves around her life, her social life and her job. They don't have set days because of her job so he used to have them around 5 days a week.. Then she wanted csa so dropped his nights days down to 3 nights/days a week.. But ever since she's been getting the csa shes upped his nights again saying partner has to be more "flexible". Last month we had them 11 nights in a row, Christmas week we had them 6 nights, this week 5..struggling with bills this month so Partner asked if he could only pay half the maintenance because we've had them practically the entire month, to which she spat the dummy and kicked off so to save arguments he transfered the full amount. Meanwhile she's out socialising, living the life of luxury and having her "me" time.
I'm getting more uncomfortable by the day and exhausted with baby due soon, I'm always frustrated and feel like shoving a rocket up my bfs arse and telling him to stand up to her. He literally bends over backwards not to upset her and ever since I've known him he's been a total push over with her.
I love my partner deeply, I 100% understand and encourage his kids coming first, as they always will and always should.. But I feel like I come second to his ex wife and her life whilst he dances to her tune.
Basically wondered if anyone's been through this/going through this... What the deal is with CSA if we have kids more and what I should do so that I'm not a miserable mother when my own little bundle of joy comes into the world soon. I just want to be the best mum and step mum but feeling very helpless and frustrated at the minute and whenever I talk to partner about it, he says everything will get better and change but its been 2.5 years and nothing has.
Sorry for the long winded post xx

Once your baby is born, CMS would go down.

No wonder you are stressed - he has no boundaries. It really doesn't have to be a case of her saying jump and him asking how high. If he has them more than her, she should be paying him CMS.

@Areyouloco is literally loco

OP, what does this woman have on your BF? His solicitor says one thing, she says another and he listens to the ex? What’s that about?

You do need to be careful here that you don’t become resentful, because in some ways that is how you’re coming across. Would be fuming if the DC were with you just after the birth of the baby? If they lived with you full-time that’s how it would be.

And talking about how she is always out/had plastic surgery and you’re left looking after the kids, while it might be true, if your BF is having the children at every turn then it’s decision to do that, and what she’s doing with her time is irrelevant.

Also the talk of how the kids were so unsettled and how they’re now so much better when they spend more time in your house. It’s a bit self congratulatory.

ultimately your BF and his ex need to come to an arrangement. I don’t by the excuses he’s giving about how she will refuse to let him see the kids etc. If he goes to court and sorts this officially then its much harder for her to play those types of games, but he’s not prepared to do that. Why not?

I suspect that in truth he quite likes having his kids more or less full-time and there’s nothing wrong with that. But it seems your own relationship is incompatible with that notion and as such I would be rethinking where your relationship stands in the scheme of things here.

Your boyfriend needs to do it all through the courts. You HAVE to have set days, otherwise there will never be consistency for anyone. Why is he paying half of her divorce costs?

He can go back to CMS now with a record of how many overnights he actually has had them for the last year and yet is reduced accordingly.

It will also get reduced when your DC is born.

Until the divorces finances are sorted he doesn't need to pay a penny more than the CMS calculation.

Any threat from his ex to prevent him having the DC will not happen as she relies so much on you both for childcare, what would she do instead???

@AlternativePerspective when I met him they'd been seperate nearly a year, the youngest was 16 months old when I met him, and he'd just got the divorce papers through. Cut a long story short, there was a lot of tit for tat back and forth in solicitors letters that cost a fortune, he didn't have the money so it was on hold.. They can't post more letters ect without being paid.. Then his solicitor went AWOL so he had to get another one, then she left the company so he's had to start from scratch with another firm. It's been a nightmare honestly. I have no idea why he has to pay all her fees, I don't understand it all tbh I've never been married or divorced and the whole things put me off getting married.
My family say the same thing about him standing up to her, so does his... All these women on his back saying "wtf are you putting up with it for, get her told." but he hasn't got a backbone when it comes to the ex... Its infuriating for me, if she spoke to me the way she speaks to him, I'd see red. But he just apologises to her all the time and says anything to stop her taking a tantrum. I know what you mean about our relationship, Im just hoping when it goes to court these things can be put in place and she winds her neck in and simmers the feck down.

If he has an attachment to earnings doesn't that mean he wasn't paying the CSA? They don't do that lightly.

It sounds like a tough situation for all of you. Fixed days - or perhaps a fixed number of hours per week / fortnight would be sensible, if there need to be a level of flexibility.
Hope the kids aren't struggling too much with all of this. New family set up, ad hoc arrangement, new sibling.. there's a lot going on for them.

"It's a suggestion."

It's a fucking stupid suggestion to make. Have him ditch his first kids? Are you some sort of crazy evil stepmother yourself?

If he has an attachment to earnings doesn't that mean he wasn't paying the CSA?

Some people ask for it to be done as it’s easier for them than to worry about changing the amount they pay. It’s not always a forced situation.

@WorldsOnFire congratulations on your pregnancy 😊 are you having an April baby too? I'm due the 2nd.
It's not an inconvenience as such on the baby, we've always struggled with money, and I totally get kids need things ie school uniforms, shoes, dinner money, school meals, clothes etc so I don't begrudge any of that.. We get everything they need in here, but sometimes I do think to myself.. Why are you paying her money each month when we're having the kids more? I dunno if that's me being unreasonable or not for thinking that? Like if they need something we go out and get it for them too..

No not originally as they had an arrangement between them 50/50 so he didn't pay.. But then one day it changed and she went for the csa and it was taken from wages

@holly40 no no they're OK, we talk to them all time, we always say if there's anything on your mind or your upset or happy or you want to ask questions come and talk to us.. And they do. There's never any conflict in front of the kids ever, no bad mouthing either.. I know how toxic that would be and I'd never expose them that and neither does their mum tbf.

It's a hard one, I think you should have a proper conversation with him as this has the potential to turn very bitter.

I would welcome them being with you when the baby is born if she tries that, it means you'll have optimum opportunity for the children to bond with the new baby, it'll help them feel more part of the family unit as well, I can imagine how isolating it may feel to them to have a younger sibling born and not get to see it for a week, it could make them feel replaced, whereas being there they're included in it all.

But as pps have said, preparing for all eventualities including going to stay with your mum/her coming to you would be worthwhile.

@OhWellThatsJustGreat I get what you're saying and I have to put myself in thier little minds as you're right it is massive for them and I'd hate for them to ever feel replaced, no child should ever feel like that. I just get really overwhelmed I think sometimes and thought it would be nice to have just a night or day to get home and just have some time with the baby.. But of course if they want to come I'd never say no. I'm not like that.. I dunno me heads all over the place at the minute.

@Rhcat1

😊 Thanks, congrats to you too! 🎉
I’m end of March so about a week ahead of you (but it doesn’t mean much with first babies I think they come when they please 😂)

I totally understand, I meant more that it must be hindering your enjoyment and putting extra stress on you both. Ideally it would have been dealt with before pregnancy so you could focus on your happiness rather than ExW drama!

I’d be frustrated in your situation, it seems unfair. I’d suggest that your DH become a bit less reasonable but unfortunately she holds all the cards.
It doesn’t sound like she wants the kids all the time though, so it might be worth your DH calling her bluff and saying that as he’s paying all this CM he can’t afford to have them more than the 3 nights so she will simply have to make that work.

It seems like your DH and his ExW are the exact opposite dynamic to how situations like this usually go! If that makes sense. Usually it’s the mum getting stuck with all the responsibility and being told they ‘need to be more flexible’ then getting screwed financially.

@AlternativePerspective I don't have a problem with him wanting the kids full time, I think it's an admirable quality and it's one of the reasons that I love him. He's a fantastic father and does everything for his kids. I'm not resentful in the slightest with that.. My issue is plain and simple the way 1.his ex speaks to him 2.uses the kids as weapons at times ie threatening to reduce the days he sees them 3.everything revolves around her. And by that I mean there's been times when we've had a cinema date planned and she's called to say can you have the kids because I've been invited out tonight, to which he's said no.. I've got them tomorrow and we've booked tickets for the cinema.. Then she'll yell down at the phone at him. I think anyone would be irritated by that type of behaviour.
As for the kids being settled and happy here.. That wasn't a self congratulatory comment.. They genuinely are happy here.. I didn't mean anything by it. But as for them two.. Maybe she does have a hold over him I don't know... This is something I'll have to discuss with him in a calm way and have an adult discussion about it.

@WorldsOnFire yeah I've got loads of close friends going through that, they're fighting with ex husbands and bfs because they won't pay or they only see thier kids once a week.. So I see it from both sides of the coin. He genuinely wants to see them all the time and pays for them. I think because I'm not a mother yet, some of my friends can't see where I'm coming from being the step mum and no one can relate. Maybe I'm getting peoples backs up talking about it.. I dunno.. I need to vent somewhere so why not here lol x

You can tell CMS the new arrnagements and how many days you've had them. The CMS uses 20 percent of gross salary divided between all children so when the baby is born her maintenance can be dropped by a 1/3 if you inform CMS.
Keep a diary of when you have them etc the when the annual review comes up you can call them and say well actually we've had them this many nights. Good luck

I will do. Thanks for all the comments and advice guys 😊

How old are these kids ?

If he's overpaid they will reduce further payments so that'll be a nasty shock to her. I had my 3 SD to look after myself shortly after DD was born. My advice is to batch cook a load of food for the freezer and freeze it in individual portions. Babies are also in a 'cone of silcence' i think they call it when they're first born so they can't hear the TV/kids playing or seem distributed by lights so it actually wasn't too bad I just had to do everything one handed!

@Maltay ah really? That gives me hope then lol.. Yeah I was gunna plan all the meals for the week so I can just get things out in the morning to defrost or put in the slow cooker, but kids are fussy.. The little one only likes eating cereal, or chicken nuggets.. The oldest (if I get her involved in the cooking) is much more open to trying things.. Actually I think she will love to get amongst the cooking she's good at helping like that. I'm sure ill be fine when the time comes.. Dp said he would take over with the baby when he gets in from work so that I can cook ect

Go for 100% custody

So stop the children seeing their mum?

I almost think he should call her bluff. She will massively struggle with childcare if she stops him having them. Friends and family will only help for so long which is why your days probably crept back up again because people got sick of helping her out. He can't let her keep getting away with this. People who use their kids as a weapon are the worst.