Anyone else elsewhere for Christmas leaving dh at home?

[QueenOfIce]

Relations have completely broken down with dsd and I. She's with her dad this Christmas so I've had to leave and spend Christmas elsewhere. I'm upset but can't do much about it now! Anyone else spending Christmas away from home?

How old is your dsd?

16, behaves like a 5 year old sadly. I've bought all her presents wrapped them, prepped all their food so they have a good day tomorrow and left them to it.

I've bought all her presents wrapped them, prepped all their food so they have a good day tomorrow and left them to it

Why?

You’re leaving your own home for a 16 yr old brat?? Why is your DH not sorting this out? Letting his DD rule the roost is not going to get better.

Why on earth have you done food and presents and then left?!

Dh wouldn't have got anything sorted and it's not in my nature to leave everything to someone who is so disorganised. I don't want her to have a crap time regardless of our relationship. I'm not sad we are no longer communicating but I am really hurt my dh hasn't stepped up. He's usually brilliant.

You and him together can’t last, like that.

It's his turn to have dsd for Christmas, I don't understand 'turns' when she's now 16 but then what do I know?! I've told my dh that after today I'm making no more efforts I'm done.

Talk through what happened with the relationship. How did you get to this point?

It's a long story Belle and it's been coming for many years. I don't want to say too much as dsd mum is on here. Let's just say dsd has no boundaries and no respect. I have clear boundaries that we're not just pushed but violated and I refuse to be treated so badly.

Were not we're, sorry!

It sounds difficult. I’m sorry you're Going through this. In my experience teenagers pick someone to take the brunt of their emotional insecurity- girls especially. Their brains are still developing and they often still don’t understand their place in the world.

This is no excuse for her behaviour but it might help you understand why she is being like this. It is most likely not really about you- you’re just an easy target.

BUT your DH should be supporting you in trying to weather the storm. In allowing you to make this sacrifice for his daughter he is sending the message that her tantrums work.

My advice is to stop engaging with it on any level. If she is rude then refer her to her father. Calmly, firmly. Then walk off and let him deal with it. Your boundaries are important. She needs to be taught to respect that.

Good luck. Teenaged girls are the worst. I’ve taught for 14 years and I still don’t have the solution to bitchy teenage girls, except to remember that they are only like that because they are terrified that they don’t have a place in the world.

Dh wouldn't have got anything sorted

Well that is up to him

You talk about this girl not having any boundaries yet you and your dh are bending over backwards to give her what she wants at your expense

If it’s in your nature why will you stop after this time?

You’re being a martyr, they won’t appreciate your time, money or effort, you’re leaving your own home for “elsewhere”, you’re relationship is dead if he’s going along with this and you’re coming across like a doormat. I can’t begin to understand your approach. If she won’t see you and it’s his year he should have taken her to a hotel or something. And how can you respect a man who can’t get his shit together to buy presents for his kid or feed her properly?

I'm sure she is difficult and disrespectful but why are you baffled by her spending alternate Xmas with her parents? I expect my son to spend a lot of Xmas with me over time. Maybe fewer when he is older but still some. He's 14 now.

I’m sorry it has come to this. I wouldn’t leave your house though. You’ve organised stuff regardless you should be at home.

Where will you be for Christmas OP?

Firstly of course your dsd wants to spend time with her dad. I wonder what the boundaries were? She’s 16 not 5, and where was her dad when these boundaries were being violated?
Sounds like you and him are done, why on earth should you have to leave your home on Xmas day.

too little info OP. As to the history that has lead to this. Is this all a fairly recent explosion? Have things come to a head recently and if so, why?
Have you tried counselling together? Have you and your DH tried counselling?

Don’t get me wrong, feeling forced out of your home must be awful. But you don’t say whether you made this decision alone? Or whether your DH agreed with you? And whether this is a one off at Christmas?

Re my situation? I’m not spending it with my DP and his DC through choice. But I am in my home. (However we don’t live together). But I am huge supporter of people in ‘blended’ situations not forcing certain set ups at this time of year.

There are too many difficult emotions, challenging exes and resulting in high maintenance children. My DP’s DC will be up and down the next few days and quite frankly I cannot be bothered to deal with it. I work hard and want a relaxing Christmas with my children. And for it not to be dominated by the emotional tantrums of my DP’s DC. So there is something to be said about the (smart) removal of yourself from this fraught situations.

Whatever the rights and wrongs of her not wanting to spend Christmas with you and your OH deciding to be with her, I really don't get why you would have organised things, and worse, why he would have let you do it.

Why is it your problem if nothing had been done? They want to be together, they organise their own day.

You sound like a bit of a martyr tbh OP.