Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

Flip

1 2 3 4

Original poster

Stepson back from Uni

88 replies

chocolatesaltyballs22 · 23/12/2019 10:48

I might get flamed for this but I need to get it off my chest so that I don't start an argument at home....here goes.

Stepson is 18 and back from Uni for Christmas. My husband said whilst he was away that he was really appreciating all that we do for him now that he knows how much work it is cooking/cleaning/washing etc etc and he felt that he would really help out more when he's back. He didn't lift a finger before so I was looking forward to the new-improved stepson who would help out around the house more. Since he has come back he has regressed back to his old ways of doing absolutely naff all and I feel like I have another adult to look after. I know it's only for a short time while he's back for the hols but it's driving me mad. He only ever stayed with us 3 nights a week before he went away but has suddenly decided that he wants to spend more time here because his mum's house is a shit tip (his words, not mine) and she was away at the weekend and he couldn't be arsed looking after himself at her house. I just feel totally taken for granted.

Rant over....

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

user1487194234 · 29/12/2019 06:44

I am not sure that asking what time he wants picked up at is too bad
If (all the time!) I am picking up my teens I always ask what time they want picked up at
Obviously if the time doesn't suit I would say so but to me to state a time is unnecessarily controlling

MeridianB · 29/12/2019 07:11

Did your DH acknowledge anything at all or was it mostly defensive or denial?

Original poster

chocolatesaltyballs22 · 29/12/2019 08:33

He did acknowledge that he needs to do more but doesn't seem willing to push him.

Latest drama last night as he left was he said 'see you Tues' - I pointed out after he'd left that he'd swapped nights with ex so we wouldn't have the kids til Weds and we'd made NYE plans. So he texts stepson to correct him who says 'oh but mum is away with youngest SS so I thought I could come to yours and we could watch a movie.' Another case of him not being arsed to look after himself while mum is away. Also he's 18 - WTF doesn't he have plans with his mates/ GF on NYE? It's like we're having to entertain a child. I put my foot down and made husband sort it out - he can't change plans at the last minute without considering what we have planned.

OP posts:

user1487194234 · 29/12/2019 09:02

Again 18 year old wanting to be with parent at NYE is pretty normal.
Of my teens 1 has definite plans,1 has vague plans, hopefully for him they will firm up ok,but if not obviously he will be with us .Would never leave him on his own. Do appreciate that is difficult for you as a step parent ( a role I know I could never have done) but absolutely normal for a parent (like your DP)

Original poster

chocolatesaltyballs22 · 29/12/2019 09:04

Agree with you but my point is that he lives at his mum's with arrangements to see dad pre-arranged, which he then tries to switch at the last minute when we've already made plans. Not acceptable.

OP posts:

user1487194234 · 29/12/2019 09:09

I am sorry,that is just what kids do. MY DH have plans for NYE ,but if the DC plans change ours will have to change too. As I say I understand that is difficult for you,but I think as a parent the DCs have to come first.
There is no way I could just leave my D C s in and go out to a party or whatever

Original poster

chocolatesaltyballs22 · 29/12/2019 09:11

We will have to agree to disagree then..... Young kids coming first: yes. Adult kids who need to be taught to plan their own lives: no. Everything is last minute with him and he has no concept of what others might be doing. He has lived independently at Uni for 3 months, barely bothering to get in touch with his dad, but then expects full-on attention when he's back.

OP posts:

user1487194234 · 29/12/2019 09:18

Fair enough,we are all different ,and assuming your DH agrees with you I suppose that's fine
Do feel sorry for the boy though

Ragwort · 29/12/2019 09:22

I think most of this (as in nearly all the step parent threads sadly) just sounds like typical teenage behaviour. I have a teenage DS and whilst he can be charming and helpful to everyone else, he can be moody and lazy at home. He’s also just finished his first term at uni and I didn’t see any difference when he came home, although he clearly looks after himself (to his standard) when he is away. I think it must be very hard for your step DS, he doesn’t sound very welcome at either of his parent’s homes .
And whatever people like to say on Mumsnet in RL an 18 year old rarely has the maturity to be a ‘fully functioning adult’.

ColaFreezePop · 29/12/2019 09:33

OP that's fine as your DH can do his son's washing instead. Just don't wash any male clothes.

Magda72 · 29/12/2019 09:59

And whatever people like to say on Mumsnet in RL an 18 year old rarely has the maturity to be a ‘fully functioning adult’.
Most 18 year olds will not be fully functioning adults but they will be getting there with the right example & encouragement. It sounds like OP's dss is trying it on when at home & is being allowed to get away with it by both his parents.
OP I totally understand your frustration. My 23 year old is doing a masters, lives in another country and STILL tries to ignore the dishwasher etc. when he comes home! Adult children still look for mothering when home but the key is to mother in an age appropriate way. In my case my 23 year old gets told off for messing up the kitchen & has it pointed out to him that he wouldn't do that anywhere else (& he wouldn't) but I ensure I make myself free for adult chats & to listen to him, and after a few days things settle down & he behaves like the responsible adult he is.
The way your dss is behaving is normal (especially as he's just left home) but the problem is he's not being pulled up on his behaviour by his dad which is very unfair on you & also very bad for your dss.
I personally would not change my NYE plans for an 18 year old (& tbh I think it's a bit odd he's made no plans with pals) as 18 is old enough to realise that parents have lives too & kids don't always come first.

I have also left my kids alone some NYE's with eldest in charge & they've had great fun the three of them together without me! Parents and kids don't have to do every damn thing together in order for kids to feel loved & wanted.

Original poster

chocolatesaltyballs22 · 29/12/2019 10:06

Spot on @Magda72 - thank you.

OP posts:

LatentPhase · 29/12/2019 10:36

As ever. I am with @Magda72 on this.

I think where kids are around 365 days a year parents would naturally ebb and flow with the way they prioritise their own social life. They might sometimes leave teens alone or do their own thing.

Once separated parents can get stuck ‘always being there’ on contact days well into adolescence. Feeling guilty for having a life or other plans on ‘contact’ days. I think we do kids a disservice like this as kids miss out on seeing everybody get priority not just them. A sort of two-dimensional family life. It contributes to the ‘perma-child’ scenario where kids miss out on a more normal family life and struggle to transition to independence. Doesn’t really fit my definition of kids ‘coming first’. I think raising well-rounded young adults actually ‘comes first’.

Flip

1 2 3 4