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Original poster

Stepson back from Uni

88 replies

chocolatesaltyballs22 · 23/12/2019 10:48

I might get flamed for this but I need to get it off my chest so that I don't start an argument at home....here goes.

Stepson is 18 and back from Uni for Christmas. My husband said whilst he was away that he was really appreciating all that we do for him now that he knows how much work it is cooking/cleaning/washing etc etc and he felt that he would really help out more when he's back. He didn't lift a finger before so I was looking forward to the new-improved stepson who would help out around the house more. Since he has come back he has regressed back to his old ways of doing absolutely naff all and I feel like I have another adult to look after. I know it's only for a short time while he's back for the hols but it's driving me mad. He only ever stayed with us 3 nights a week before he went away but has suddenly decided that he wants to spend more time here because his mum's house is a shit tip (his words, not mine) and she was away at the weekend and he couldn't be arsed looking after himself at her house. I just feel totally taken for granted.

Rant over....

OP posts:
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Original poster
chocolatesaltyballs22 · 23/12/2019 20:43

We're doing a Christmas Eve dinner for the kids which he's doing as I'm working. Then we're out for Christmas dinner, without kids.

OP posts:
user1487194234 · 23/12/2019 22:01

Sounds like typical teenage behaviour TBH
I expect it's more difficult when it's your SS rather than your own child
I do sympathise ,it must be difficult but you do seem to have very high expectations

Techway · 23/12/2019 23:37

@girlygirl98, yes, assets become joint however in the event of a dispute that went to court the law distributes assets depending on a number of factors, housing & income needs, length of marriage, children, age of both parties. A short marriage under 3 years where incomes are similar no joint children would be unlikely to redistribute assets. However a medium or long term marriage, maybe children or poor health of one spouse would likely to see a redistribution of assets. It is why some men/women are very reluctant to marry. A deed of trust is valid for unmarried couples and maybe used as a guide by a judge but ultimately if you divorce after a long'ish marriage fairness in distribution of assets is more relevant than a pre marriage agreement.

SandyY2K · 24/12/2019 03:13

The pp who said he can't come back for summer is not in the real world.

Where is he expected to go? If you wash your hands off your kids in life like this it's no suprise so many turn out feeling unsupported.

He obviously looks after himself in Uni. So why not when he's home? Does he have the full catered accomodation package? Or is he in halls?

In your position, I would cook family meals including him, if you are the one cooking...but no more than that.

I have a DD in Uni and she's home now. If I'm cooking...of course she's included. If not, she sorts herself out.

MalarkeyMouse · 24/12/2019 03:33

Dissenting voice here. You clearly don't consider your home is also your dss's home.

This. You sound as though you hate him. Give him off jobs to do.

It's not true he hasn't done a day's work in his life is it, because he managed to get into university. I think they come back shattered after the first term.

MalarkeyMouse · 24/12/2019 03:34

*odd jobs

ColaFreezePop · 24/12/2019 04:23

@SandyY2K the SS has a mother he can live with.

Also some shared houses you can stay in over summer if you talk to the landlord in advance. Some students can't get jobs where their parents live but have a job in their university town/city where they can do full-time hours so stay over summer. One of my nephews' did this to the extended family's surprise.

LatentPhase · 24/12/2019 07:24

OP does not sound like she hates him. She sounds like she is sick of the feeding and picking up after someone’s 18 year old!

Mind you to me it’s a DH or relationship problem more than a SS problem.

OP can he use the washing machine?

I hope you enjoy Christmas. I would be thinking New Years resolutions. Some direct talking to DH would be top of my list. Cos if you keep doing what you always do (ie never discussing this openly with DH) you’ll get what you always got...

SandyY2K · 24/12/2019 08:08

@ColaFreezePop*

the SS has a mother he can live with.

And what message do you think this sends? That he's unwelcome at his dads house, which should be as much his home as his mum's.

As it's his first year, he's probably in halls...not shared house. You can't stay there over summer and I'd he did it would cost...the student loan is already not enough as it is...

After the first year...he could do a pt job in his home town....not demanding he gets a ft job in his University town, when almost everyone else has gone home.

If I was married to a man who suggested my uni child cant come home...he would have to change his thinking or be gone.

If you think rejecting him on this way won't impact him...that's a very naive thought.

Original poster
chocolatesaltyballs22 · 24/12/2019 08:37

Yes he does have a mother he can live with but his reason for spending more time here is one that's not acceptable to me - ie our house is much nicer, and she can't be arsed keeping house. Why on earth should I have to make up for his mother's failings?! And he doesn't want to stay there when she's away as he would have to look after himself!

OP posts:
YappityYapYap · 24/12/2019 08:56

I think the OP is just struggling with the dramatic contrast. 16 year old DD has a part time job, tidies up and is generally pleasant to live with. 18 year old SDS doesn't work, is messy and isn't pleasant to live with. I've actually seen posts from parents saying they are struggling a bit with their own kids being back for the holidays as they feel they are very messy and it's stressing them out as they aren't used to it anymore.

I hate mess. I hate it even more if someone expects me to clean up after them, especially an adult. Quite happy to cook and clean and do the washing but I'm not going to do all that while someone sits on their arse. The feeling of being taken for granted wears on you in those situations. I don't think it matters that the boy is a SDS and not a DS. At least you know where he gets it from OP, his mum as his own words are that her house is a 'shit tip'. Maybe you and your DH can teach him some basics in the week between Christmas and new year?

ColaFreezePop · 24/12/2019 09:10

@Sandy2K that she is not his doormat and if he wants to stay with his dad to stop treating their house like a hotel.

I was taught early on as a step child I should be grateful for what my step-mother did as she didn't have to do anything for me. In fact my mother trusted her to look after us better than the majority of her own siblings.

Original poster
chocolatesaltyballs22 · 24/12/2019 09:15

That's refreshing to hear from someone who has been a step child themselves @ColaFreezePop - thankyou.

OP posts:
Snog · 24/12/2019 09:31

You don't have to run around after a grown man OP but you are choosing to.
You need to make it clear IN DETAIL exactly what you expect from DSs and then stick to it.
Eg please do your own laundry on Thursdays
Please plan and shop for a meal that you will make every Monday evening, the budget is £10
Please tidy your things from the lounge at night if not I will make you do it first thing in the morning
Please Clean the family bathroom on Tuesdays
Etc

Ibizafun · 24/12/2019 10:47

NoCureForLoveBehind would op be taking the same approach with her dd in 2 years time? Dd is her daughter and ss isn’t her son, it’s as simple as that! To be honest though, at 18 most kids still don’t help around the house much. I would definitely cook for him, I would not cook for everyone else and leave him out. But I would not be clearing up after him for sure.

CanIHaveADrink · 24/12/2019 11:01

I think you have a DH problem rather than a dss problem.
Your dh should have stepped up a long time ago to ensure that his ds didn’t take you for granted.
As it turns out, I think both your dss and your dh takes you for granted. (As a guess, I susie t your dh dues to do ANY of the jobs that are so much more work when your dss is around??). So if course, your dh can’t see the issue.... Hmm

Cohle · 24/12/2019 11:08

You seem to constantly be comparing your DSS to your DD. I don't think making one (step-)sibling the golden child ever leads to a particularly healthy family dynamic.

Original poster
chocolatesaltyballs22 · 24/12/2019 11:28

Oh ok then I'll let him carry on lazing around doing naff all and tell his step-sister to join him so that I don't make unfair comparisons shall I....rightio....

OP posts:
EKGEMS · 24/12/2019 11:40

The biggest problem you have is a useless,inept spouse who doesn't give a damn about you or what it entails having his lazy arse son back in the house.

Cohle · 24/12/2019 11:50

Not a terribly measured response OP.

Of course you should deal with your DSS's behaviour, but on its own merits. In virtually every post you've compared him to his step-sister, and it sounds like you're in danger of creating an unpleasant family dynamic.

ColaFreezePop · 24/12/2019 11:56

OP I'm also a step-mother.

Oh and the last poster was right - your main problem is your spouse.

You need to stop being a doormat and talk to your OH in person. Stop trying to talk by text or messaging.

Lay down what you will put up with and make it clear that if SS doesn't buck up, you will be kicking them both out. Then actually carry out that threat.(Just change the locks.) Three days sofa surfing - so their hosts get fed up with their laziness - or 5 days in a hotel will be enough for them to realise that you are serious.

Original poster
chocolatesaltyballs22 · 24/12/2019 12:16

I think part of the problem is that my husband does loads around the house - he doesn't expect me to pick up after him and he does his share of the cleaning/cooking/washing etc. So in his head it's not a problem if SS does nothing because he's picking up the slack. For example, if I ask the kids to clear the table and stack the dishwasher my husband will just get up and do it instead. He doesn't back me up. And it irritates me beyond belief to see young adults being mollycoddled like that.

OP posts:
Frankola · 27/12/2019 08:16

Your husband needs to get control of this and stop being a Disney dad.

In the meantime, stop doing stuff for him. Just do it for you and your DH. He will get the message

Original poster
chocolatesaltyballs22 · 27/12/2019 17:03

So we had a long face to face chat about it and he said he doesn't want SS to be asked to do his own washing when he's only ever here for one night at a time. I said fine, but there's other stuff he could do to help out. I can't see anything changing, it's really frustrating. He's just asked SS what time he wants picking up from his mum's, instead of saying 'I'll be there at X time' ie when it's convenient to him. He's too accommodating.

OP posts:
Rockchic7 · 29/12/2019 04:42

Have exactly the same issue. My stepson goes to uni part time and works part time, can pick up nearly £50 a day just in tips yet expects us to pay for everything for him, in 2 years I have never seen him pay for a thing and like yours his mother also lives like a right dirty tramp hence why he likes it at our house.
He never clears a thing up after himself and always says how he hasn’t had time despite the fact he’s been in bed all morning.

His dad just brushes it off so I just dont clear a thing of his up or cook for him, and surprise surprise his dad is now getting annoyed cos he’s the one who’s now having to clear up after him. I’m sticking to my guns on this one.