Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

Flip

1 2 3 4

Original poster

Stepson back from Uni

88 replies

chocolatesaltyballs22 · 23/12/2019 10:48

I might get flamed for this but I need to get it off my chest so that I don't start an argument at home....here goes.

Stepson is 18 and back from Uni for Christmas. My husband said whilst he was away that he was really appreciating all that we do for him now that he knows how much work it is cooking/cleaning/washing etc etc and he felt that he would really help out more when he's back. He didn't lift a finger before so I was looking forward to the new-improved stepson who would help out around the house more. Since he has come back he has regressed back to his old ways of doing absolutely naff all and I feel like I have another adult to look after. I know it's only for a short time while he's back for the hols but it's driving me mad. He only ever stayed with us 3 nights a week before he went away but has suddenly decided that he wants to spend more time here because his mum's house is a shit tip (his words, not mine) and she was away at the weekend and he couldn't be arsed looking after himself at her house. I just feel totally taken for granted.

Rant over....

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

Tyersal · 23/12/2019 11:00

So stop looking after him

Aquamarine1029 · 23/12/2019 11:02

Tell him to get off his arse and give him a list of tasks you expect him to do.

ColaFreezePop · 23/12/2019 11:03

Apart from Christmas eve, Christmas Day and Boxing Day don't do any cooking for him.

Regardless don't do any laundry for him and leave cleaning his room until he leaves.

Unfortunately if children aren't taught to help out from a young age at home or when a guest in someone else's home they simply won't.

FredaFrogspawn · 23/12/2019 11:06

Your dh needs to sit him down and kindly but firmly tell him he is neither a guest to be pampered or a child to be indulged but an equal adult family member who needs to pull his weight. This needs to be accompanied by a list of chores which are his responsibility while he’s resident.

Original poster

chocolatesaltyballs22 · 23/12/2019 11:07

Yes you're all right - thankyou. I actually thought I would get called an evil stepmum but you've made me think I'm not being unreasonable.

OP posts:

LatentPhase · 23/12/2019 11:12

Is this the dss who until recently could not be relied upon to close the windows or front door?

Anyway. Time for some boundaries and expectations. It’s your house too. I would not be babying dss a minute longer. He is a young adult and needs to start behaving like one.

Original poster

chocolatesaltyballs22 · 23/12/2019 11:18

Yes, the very same @latentphase. I still don't trust him to leave the house secure. He also seems to not know how to switch lights off.

OP posts:

ColaFreezePop · 23/12/2019 11:24

OP the lights off thing is normal until they start paying and understanding bills.

You need to make it clear to your DH that while you will put up with your SS during Christmas and Easter holidays, he is not staying with you in Summer holidays and will not be staying with you at all after he leaves university.

Have the talk now otherwise you will end up getting divorced over it.

Original poster

chocolatesaltyballs22 · 23/12/2019 11:29

My 16 year old daughter seems to be able to switch lights off though!

I don't know how I have that conversation with my husband re the summer holidays without him thinking his son isn't welcome in our home but honestly, the thought of him being home for the summer fills me with dread. For me, everything changes when they go off to Uni and they should start becoming responsible adults. But it's very clear that he just thinks that we're a handy refuge where he can have everything done for him.

OP posts:

LatentPhase · 23/12/2019 11:30

Agree with @ColaFreezePop

Get this sorted now. And lay down some expectations around what is to happen once his degree is over.

These conversations are hard but better than getting divorced. You have my sympathy OP.

fedup21 · 23/12/2019 11:32

Why have you both not sat him down and had a serious conversation with him??

Original poster

chocolatesaltyballs22 · 23/12/2019 11:34

My husband is about as difficult to pin down on these things as nailing jelly to a wall. His view is that we'll see what happens. But the thought of it is causing me stress already. He can't even pin his son down on when he will be returning to Uni as he hasn't got his arse in gear and booked his train ticket (it's a train to London, so not cheap, and he should be booking well in advance to save money).

OP posts:

LatentPhase · 23/12/2019 11:34

OP you don’t want him returning after his degree to live like this.

Your DH needs to understand that some kids need more of a ‘shove’ to fly the nest. In fact many kids need this ‘shove’ nowadays, we have created a generation of Snowflakes.

Even if you let it slide this holiday (dss might need a break after his first term and all the changes). Think about what you want the Easter hols to look like. There needs to be some progress. Maybe part time work for dss.

And think about what you want your life/retirement to look like. Don’t sleep-walk into having a permanent setup with an adult child in the nest.

Original poster

chocolatesaltyballs22 · 23/12/2019 11:36

Don't get me started on part time work, he hasn't done a day's work in his life and hasn't shown any intention of looking. He doesn't have time apparently. My daughter is already waitressing at the age of 16 and loving having her own money which I think is completely healthy.

There's no way he's living with us after his degree - he needs to get himself into work and living independently.

OP posts:

Techway · 23/12/2019 11:39

I know it is annoying but it is only for a short time. My eldest was pretty good before she went to Uni but seemed to regress when she got back at holidays. I almost think the student mentality rubbed off on her and she lost the ability to wash up, as in didn't clean properly. If his mum doesn't tidy he will not be able to suddenly switch on a tidy gene.

At 18 they can still be maturing so have a few rules and try to enforce those. If you battle everything then you will both be drained, upset and exhausted.

fedup21 · 23/12/2019 11:41

My husband said whilst he was away that he was really appreciating all that we do for him now that he knows how much work it is cooking/cleaning/washing etc etc and he felt that he would really help out more when he's back.

Have you challenged your husband on this misconception!!?

Original poster

chocolatesaltyballs22 · 23/12/2019 11:43

No I haven't @fedup21 - I feel like he takes everything as a criticism of his kids and I'm trying to avoid an argument. He knew I was furious when he asked to stay an extra night at the last minute, but he said yes to him anyway.

OP posts:

LatentPhase · 23/12/2019 11:43

Well then tell you DH! Tell him! In words of one syllable. DH and dss both need the wake up call.

My dd 16 is also waitressing, loving having her own money, can’t wait to learn to drive, is planning a holiday abroad with friends in the summer. Completely healthy development.

DP’s dd is 18 has no GCSE’s and lazes about all day at her mums (because that’s allowed).

It will be a cold day in hell before his dd comes to live with me. And he knows it. And he knows that it’s ok to have boundaries like this and so we discuss it like adults. YANBU to address this. Sit DH down and tell him. If your marriage is healthy a conversation can happen. Your DH is avoiding the conversation, kicking it all down the road. That’s not on.

NoCureForLove · 23/12/2019 11:44

Dissenting voice here. You clearly don't consider your home is also your dss's home. It's one hhong to have reasonable rules and expectations- wuite another to say he's not welcome in the summer or after he graduates.
Children don't magically turn into fully responsible, self-supporting, independent adults on their 18th birthday you know. Will you be taking the same approach with your own daughter in 2 years time? I doubt it.

WireBrushAndDettolMaam · 23/12/2019 11:46

DSS set the table/take the rubbish out/load the dishwasher/take your cup out/hang the laundry/feed the cats/peel the spuds/switch off the lights/lock the door/

Repeat repeat repeat. He will either decide it’s easier to just get on and do it or he’ll decide it’s easier to live like a slob at his mums.

LatentPhase · 23/12/2019 11:47

I agree children don’t magically turn into fully responsible self-supporting adults.

That’s exactly the point. Some independence and respect and contribution to basic chores etc starts now surely for that exact reason!

Original poster

chocolatesaltyballs22 · 23/12/2019 11:49

@nocureforlove I'm not saying he's not going to be welcome in the summer. But what I am saying is that I'm not putting up with him treating the place like some kind of serviced hotel where he gets everything done for him.

My daughter helps out. She doesn't take things for granted. She also lives here full time - he doesn't.

OP posts:

fedup21 · 23/12/2019 11:53

He knew I was furious when he asked to stay an extra night at the last minute, but he said yes to him anyway.

Tell him you wouldn’t be furious about him asking to stay if he acted like a functioning adult.

Is your daughter his daughter as well? Does he appreciate the difference between them?

ColaFreezePop · 23/12/2019 11:54

OP with children and young adults normal is a range.

So while you get those like your daughter who understand that lights and heating have to paid for, there are others like your step-son who don't. However if the child is mollycoddled like your step-son is, they will never learn this.

I agree with the PP who said make it clear to your DH now that your step-son is the type of person who needs a shove to stand on their own two feet and it is all your jobs to give him that shove at appropriate times e.g. cleaning up after himself, earning his own money, getting other people in his support network, moving out.

Original poster

chocolatesaltyballs22 · 23/12/2019 11:58

No, my daughter is not DH's daughter and he does see the difference between them.

Have just messaged him asking him to talk to his son (he's taking him out for lunch) about helping out around the house more while he's back. I said I felt that nothing had changed and he still expected us to do everything for him. Took the coward's way out with a message but it's timely given he's seeing him at lunchtime.

Thanks for the advice - I do appreciate it. I felt like I was being a bit of a bitch but clearly not.

OP posts:

Flip

1 2 3 4