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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

Stepson back from Uni

88 replies

chocolatesaltyballs22 · 23/12/2019 10:48

I might get flamed for this but I need to get it off my chest so that I don't start an argument at home....here goes.

Stepson is 18 and back from Uni for Christmas. My husband said whilst he was away that he was really appreciating all that we do for him now that he knows how much work it is cooking/cleaning/washing etc etc and he felt that he would really help out more when he's back. He didn't lift a finger before so I was looking forward to the new-improved stepson who would help out around the house more. Since he has come back he has regressed back to his old ways of doing absolutely naff all and I feel like I have another adult to look after. I know it's only for a short time while he's back for the hols but it's driving me mad. He only ever stayed with us 3 nights a week before he went away but has suddenly decided that he wants to spend more time here because his mum's house is a shit tip (his words, not mine) and she was away at the weekend and he couldn't be arsed looking after himself at her house. I just feel totally taken for granted.

Rant over....

OP posts:

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fedup21 · 23/12/2019 11:59

Is it your house that you and DH live in?

Original poster

chocolatesaltyballs22 · 23/12/2019 12:01

Yes - my house. Although we extended to make room for everyone and he pays half the costs, but it was originally my house before we met.

OP posts:

LatentPhase · 23/12/2019 12:04

I think you and DH need to speak alone first, negotiate and agree what the expectation is.

Sort this direct with DH then move forward as a united front.

LatentPhase · 23/12/2019 12:05

‘You need to help more around the house’ will simply fall on deaf ears.

Original poster

chocolatesaltyballs22 · 23/12/2019 12:08

Have given examples - eg empty bins and take out recycling, doing his own washing. I know it's petty but I was fuming this morning as I had emptied the kitchen bin last night and went down to find that SS had rammed a huge empty box in it, nearly filling it up again, and the box needed recycling. I dumped it by the front door and told him to take it out on his way out. I know it's a small thing but honestly it drives me nuts that he magically expects the cleaning up fairy to do everything.

OP posts:

LatentPhase · 23/12/2019 12:10

They’re so often like this and it’s not really them (even my independent dd does this if she can get away with it) it’s the adults enabling it.

DH is enabling it and your in his slipstream. Which of course is infuriating as it’s not who you want to be.

WireBrushAndDettolMaam · 23/12/2019 12:16

My teen son can be really lazy like this. I tackle it by being really annoying so that it’s easier for him to do it right in the first place. So the box in the bin thing I would wait until he’s gone up to his room, gotten comfy on his bed and then call him down. He’ll call back “yeah” hoping i’ll Tell him what I want. Nope. I ignore the “yeah” wait a minute then call his name again until he gives up and comes down. He sighs and strops and I say “well if you did it right the first time you’d be in your room right now.

Wishforsnow · 23/12/2019 12:17

Doesn't sound like he is made to feel very welcome. Asking to stay at your parents house for an extra day shouldn't be a big deal. I guess if he is treated like a guest rather than it being considered his home he probably wouldn't think to do jobs

SunshineAngel · 23/12/2019 12:24

I've made a rod for my own back because I, too, never wanted to be seen as the evil step mum. But mine is only 16 (lives here full time though) - yours is an actual adult, with experience of living alone.

Some people manage to do everything, and I take my hat off to them, but not me. In this house these days, everyone has to do their own washing and ironing, tidy up after themselves (if DSS doesn't tidy up after himself, I dump anything he's left lying round in his room somewhere at random, but he has to have that tidy or he doesn't get his pocket money, so it still works), and if people aren't ready to eat at meal times, they have to grab something from the freezer (I freeze portions of appropriate meals so there's always plenty).

You can't stress yourself out about it. Let him know what you will and won't do, and the rest is up to him.

I have learned that I am not an "evil step mum", and in fact do a lot more for my DSS than some people even do for their own kids! You don't have to be perfect.

girlygirl98 · 23/12/2019 13:36

I feel you on this. My stepson is also 18 and stepdaughter 15 and dh doesn't enforce any chores whatsoever nor even tidying their rooms. They don't even put their dishes in the dishwasher. Dh and I split the housework. If I leave their washing and just do ours and the little ones dh would just do it and get a mood on because he's doing more same with stacking the dishwasher, cleaning etc. Idk what you do

Original poster

chocolatesaltyballs22 · 23/12/2019 13:45

Mine do at least tidy their rooms (not to my standard but still...) If I were you @girlygirl98 I would just close the door on their rooms and forget about them - if they want to live in a shit tip that's up to them!

To be fair I have a cleaner but my point is more around young adults becoming more responsible for contributing to the household. It's a basic life skill.

OP posts:

girlygirl98 · 23/12/2019 13:57

The bedrooms I can deal with and I do just ignore it generally but the dumping of huge bags of washing ( most items worn for ten mins) and the expectation it will just be done pees me off no end.

Original poster

chocolatesaltyballs22 · 23/12/2019 14:19

Dump it on their beds if it isn't really dirty - tell them to put it away and wear again.

OP posts:

Dontdisturbmenow · 23/12/2019 17:43

You're expecting too much too soon. It's not usually until they have finished uni and really set up in their own home that they totally get it.

Being annoyed at things like the pizza box in the bin is understanding but you do seem to make more a big deal if it than it is. A quick 'For God sake' thought and just asking him with a smile that he remembers to recycle should be the end of it.

Are you sure that your feelings are not that you enjoyed not having him around any longer and you actually just resent him being there?

U03483485748574 · 23/12/2019 18:14

One of my stepkids is like this. He is returning from University for the first time and I feel sick to my stomach. He has behaved disgustingly towards me and basic respect for the house and my possessions ever since I've known him, and came to live with us when his mum and new partner had enough of his horrible ways.

I've just watched my partner clean the room which he had trashed and left in a filthy state twice before. Every time it's made lovely for him, he moves in for a few weeks or months, trashes it, leaves in a huff and leaves it stinking and filthy. When he wants to return, my partner tidies it all for him again. Then repeat. Now I know it's going to the same for Christmas, if he demands to stay here. It's humiliating to watch a grown man run around and tidy up after a 20-something man like this, it really is.

I can completely understand where you are coming from OP. I just refuse to do anything for him now, it's my release and my sanity switch.

U03483485748574 · 23/12/2019 18:17

girlygirl98
My stepson is also 18 and stepdaughter 15 and dh doesn't enforce any chores whatsoever nor even tidying their rooms. They don't even put their dishes in the dishwasher. Dh and I split the housework. If I leave their washing and just do ours and the little ones dh would just do it and get a mood on because he's doing more same with stacking the dishwasher, cleaning etc. Idk what you do

OMG, this is my life. I do the same as you and then my partner has a go at me because he ends up tidying up more. How do you handle that?

Techway · 23/12/2019 18:23

Fuming over a pizza box seems like an excessive reaction, it was in the bin instead of being recycled. I think if this issue causes you to be so angry you might need to look at modifying your reactions.

I say this to help you as often anger is a reaction to unrealistic expectations. Change your expectations, look for the good I.e box was in the bin then you will feel happier.

If you are married then the house is joint so your DH's house as well as yours.

Original poster

chocolatesaltyballs22 · 23/12/2019 18:57

House is in my name, and I put in 90% of the equity. Yes it's his home, of course.

I gave the box (not a pizza box, btw) as an example. Lots of other things I could mention.

I don't think I'm expecting too much as someone else has suggested. My 16 yo who has never lived independently can be trusted more and helps out more. I know kids are all different but I don't see why I should have to run round after a grown man.

OP posts:

readitandwept · 23/12/2019 19:15

He knew I was furious when he asked to stay an extra night at the last minute, but he said yes to him anyway.

I should hope so. I bet your daughter won't ever even have to ask.

Thread after thread showing your resentment of your SS, and always "my daughter, my daughter, my daughter..."

Techway · 23/12/2019 19:32

House is in my name, and I put in 90% of the equity. Yes it's his home, of course

I'm sure you are aware but if you are married it is considered a joint asset and if the marriage was to break down after some years it would be considered a martial asset to enable each party to be housed. Previous equity positions are mostly ignored. I was in this position so just wanted to make you aware how courts view this.

Original poster

chocolatesaltyballs22 · 23/12/2019 19:38

Thanks @Techway, I know. We have an informal agreement.

OP posts:

girlygirl98 · 23/12/2019 19:52

@Techway can you clarify that a bit more (sorry to hijack thread op) ? So if you both have houses in your own names but you're married, the houses belong to both of you?

LatentPhase · 23/12/2019 20:13

What was the feedback from DH’s lunch with DSS, OP?

Original poster

chocolatesaltyballs22 · 23/12/2019 20:18

He 'didn't get a chance to mention it.' Am not impressed. He's not backing me up at all. I may have to go on strike.

OP posts:

AnneLovesGilbert · 23/12/2019 20:36

Do. Wash your own clothes, tidy your own stuff, make your own meals. Who’s doing all the work for Christmas?

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