Step daughters birthday

9 replies

Sosplease1 · 19/12/2019 21:44

So Aibu?
My partner and his ex have split up 5 years ago. They have a 8 yo daughter, it’s her birthday in a few months and the ex has arranged a party at her house and invited my ex with no other adults.
This isn’t something they have had before and I’m not ok with it, do you think I am in the wrong ?

OP posts:

AnneLovesGilbert · 19/12/2019 21:49

Is this the first birthday since you’ve been together and she’s trying to make a point?

How does your partner feel? He should be doing something to celebrate with his daughter if that’s their normal and he decline his ex’s offer if he’s not keen.

You feel how you feel. My DH and his ex have done separate celebrations with the kids since they split and the kids would be very confused by a joint birthday. My divorced parents got on well so we often did things all together.

If your ex wants to do something with his ex you van tell him you’re not happy but I don’t think you can stop him.

aSofaNearYou · 19/12/2019 21:53

It doesn't matter whether others would be comfortable with it, if you aren't comfortable with it you need to talk to your partner about it because he needs to at least take your boundaries into consideration.

The involvement they have with one another and whether you are comfortable with them need to be something you are on the same page about - and if his partner is uncomfortable with something he needs to decide whether it's important enough to put above that and thereby risk his relationship.

Dontdisturbmenow · 20/12/2019 09:16

You need to find out more about it. Could it be that this is something the girl has asked?

How long have you been with him? Why are you do uncomfortable with it?

Santasy · 20/12/2019 09:27

I wouldn't have been bothered by this. My dh was never invited to his dd's parties which I thought was short sighted. A friend always had her ex even though they had a fairly acrimonious relationship. They did their best to be civil for that one day and the other few they had to meet in person.

But as a pp has said if you are bothered chat to your dp but be prepared to accept his reassurance that there are no ulterior motives.

This might be the first year that the ex has felt no animosity towards your dp and therefore it's a step towards a better (civil) relationship between them. Which is only a good thing, right?

HigherFurtherFasterBaby · 20/12/2019 09:29

Me and my ex always spend a bit of time together with our DDs on their birthdays. They’re OUR children. Having said that, this year when we went for breakfast, my DP came too, at my daughters request. ExDP has been single for years but any DP of his will be very welcome to join us in future.

Love51 · 20/12/2019 09:34

So it's a party for SD and a bunch of 8 year old school friends? And birthday girl's dad will be there as a second adult presence and it will give him the chance to become more familiar with his daughter's friends. That sounds great, not dodgy at all. I know plenty of separated parents who won't have the other other parent across the threshold, but if she is ok with that, it provides a lovely birthday experience for the child.
If you have an issue with this, it suggests there may be underlying jealousy - is there a reason for that?

ColaFreezePop · 20/12/2019 11:57

Sorry I disagree with the PP due to my own experience as a step-daughter and step-mother.

If you are unhappy with this you need to speak to your DP.

The fact there are no other adults there rings alarm bells. Mainly because if there is any animosity between the two of them, however slight, there aren't other adults there to ensure they behave perfectly in front of a group of kids.

Greendayz · 20/12/2019 13:36

Does the ex have a partner of her own? Running children's birthday parties is hard work - she may have asked him over because she needs another adult to help. And 8 is an age where kids tend to like big parties - you can get away with just a few friends when they're younger, so maybe the previous years were different? If you don't have any other reasons to be concerned that she's hankering after getting back with your DP I wouldn't be concerned about the party. Do your own present-giving and get a cake in for your own household whenever you see DSD another time.

Anuta77 · 21/12/2019 18:09

You didn't provide enough information on your and their relationship.
If I were an ex and only invited the father of my child without his wife, it's because I want to show her that she's nobody in my child's life. That's how I see it.
If you are part of the girl's life and there's no animosity, why not invite you, you are part of her family?
If you want to be present, suggest it to your DH. Otherwise, suggest that you do something together. All depends why you are not feeling comfortable.

Flip