Need advice - step children causing me so much upset.

[oldgoatlep]

I will try to be brief. I have been with my partner for 10 happy years the only issue between us is his children (now over 18) they have always 'tolerated' me, never rude but indifferent and one word responses. He met me soon after he split up with their mum so I guess they see me as an obstacle (she has remained single). Over the years I have always welcomed them and tried to be friendly we used to have them every other weekend and at Christmas, took them on holidays etc. I always expected that when they became over 18 they would stop coming round as to me it was always obvious they did not want me around. It is the same with my 2 children who have tried very hard over the years to establish a relationship with them unsuccessfully. They are both now over 18 and as expected they no longer visit, they see their dad at the pub or out for dinner occasionally and it is obvious I am not welcome, they are not horrible to me just cold and they go quiet so over the last couple of years I have stopped going with him as I find it very upsetting. My partner has tried to talk to them but they state there is no issue. We usually have them over on boxing day and this is where the problem is this year. My partner and I have noticed this year that his daughter is becoming very distant she does not answer his texts or calls and I have not seen her since last year. To make matters worse last year we finally got my partners house back (they and their mum were living in it but he paid her a large sum of money that she was not entitled to legally, to move out so we could sell the house as he has been paying the mortgage on it for 10 years, he is sole owner they were not married) she was in agreement to leave as quite happy with the large payment (morally my partner felt he had to give her a sizeable sum of which I agreed) He hoped to sell the house but houses are not selling here currently and we could no longer afford to pay the mortgage/bills on that house and our own rent and bills so we moved in temporarily to get some work done on the property to hopefully sell it next year when the market picks up. I lost my father last week, he died very suddenly and I am devastated so is my partner we cared for him for the last few years. His daughter has chosen this week (before the funeral) to call him and rant at him saying he has not been there for her and she is furious about the house. He has met her and talked and tried to explain why we have had to move in (none of us are happy about it, its weird for me!) and told her she is out of order re some of things she has said he has always been there for her very much so - they are both the only children in his side of the family and very spoilt. She is now refusing to come on boxing day (I usually have my dad bless him and my children too) and demanding he see her elsewhere, to keep the peace he has agreed to take her to the pub on boxing day to do the presents. He has been extremely upset over this along with the loss of my dad and I am struggling to cope with the loss and what I feel is the selfishness of his daughter her timing was awful she is aware my dad has passed away and she has caused so much upset in the week before the funeral. I am supportive of my partner and understand why he has chosen to agree to upset our usual boxing day routine but at the same time I am so angry. This means she will never come to this house whilst we are here and I will not see her at all. I have said I am so hurt by her actions re her timing I will not want to see her until she apologises I should have been grieving instead I have had to deal with a very tearful partner and an angry spoilt child. I do 'get it' I am not unsympathetic to how she feels but I hoped being nearly 20 now she would try to view things from our side. She lives up North now anyway. It has been left that he will see his children boxing day morning on his own and join us for our usual buffet and games later in the day, I know this is going to cause upset on the day as I feel for him and I am very hurt myself. I only buried my father last week I do not need this stress and neither does he. I cannot see a way forward.

[notnowmaybelater]

Bollykecks read the OP. The entire convoluted farce with the house and lack of understanding or empathy for what a big ask boxing day in the house was of his daughter in the circumstances.

[sassbott]

There is a lot of drama on this thread. And a lot of it for no good reason IMO.

1. this man more than met his financial obligations and then some. Now the daughter could choose to be upset or choose to be grateful. She’s upset so that either means she’s a spoilt, entitled, brat. Or something else has gone on to which we are unaware. Quite frankly let him and his daughter spend christmas however and wherever they wish. Step out of it and keep yourself to yourself. The relationship with his daughter is for your partner to navigate, not you. And I say that from a genuine place of kindness. More stepparents need to learn to detach. I couldn’t give a monkeys what happens between my DP and his Dc, I only concern myself with my relationship with my own children.
   
   
2. the loss of your father is significant and will be hitting you hard. Maybe more as Christmas comes and goes. It’s not easy. Try to separate the two things that have happened. Your fathers loss is yours and the people who are your tribe should be supporting you. No one else. Lean on the people close to you, go to counselling to help process the grief. And put this nonsensical drama over a house out of your mind.

[hsegfiugseskufh]

notnow the whole house thing may have been out of his control. It most likely was.

He probably does understand why his daughter is upset but it doesnt mean her behaviour is acceptable for an adult.

[GlamGiraffe]

@oldgoatlep
I read your post and can completely understand. I have had almost identical issues with my SD. She us now 31 and married and I have been in her life since she was 14. She has always been difficult by silence but as time has gone on she became more and more awkward (and in her own mind it has transpired built a huge imaginary picture of a world that suited her. A story which was absolutely untrue she used this story to build feelings on and act on). Despite always saying to her dad that there was no real problem and we were just not really alike, she never told him any of what was inside of her head. I wonder if at any point she knew it was untrue before she began to believe it or has always been deluded. She never had a proper relationship with her half brother (DH and my son) , never was interested. He hated her for being do horrible. As a small child who I have always shown up be kind, no matter what you receive, it was beyond his comprehension and an adult of 19 through into their 30s should always have had had the grace to just behave civilly (especially to a child). I have argued with my husband so much over the years as I was always upset, always heartbroken and always made to feel rubbish i went to huge effort to try to do really nice things, always thinking of SD etc, cooking something she liked, buying an xmas gift relating to something I knew she was interested in etc EVERY time without fail she threw it in my face, often literally.
The time came when I was so upset, again I was offering help over her wedding as they couldnt afford things, and she was vitriolic and vile her arguments and attack had not a word of truth behind them. She had never ever been PROPERLY spoken to by her father. He had pussyfooted around without saying much when he said he had words about behaviour attitude etc and she had been allowed to let her false image of the world and if her own self important status grow. He had never corrected her, primarily because of his own fears of alienating his daughter. When it all came out DH really did take her to task her ideas were ludicrous and her behaviour was on an epically appalling level.. A work of fiction. the impact her behaviour and accusations had on me and the effect on my family (with me included) are irreparable.
DH now sees her occasionally on her own. He has to drive miles to see her He agrees it us unfair for her to be in our home after the way she treated me. She has actually really robbed him of the family he wanted to be able to have because of her very childish behaviour.
A lot if this was enabled by him.

Very honestly I would tell your OH this is the time he has to put aside any worries about really telling his daughter how it is shes an adult. Speak to her sternly like one. if this had happened my situation might have been rescuable. She needs to be told firmly. She is not 4. She cannot have ultimate control. By letting do a little bit each time the pattern is set and for you, the agony us prolonged and increases and gets worse.

Since my own SD was removed from my life I have certainly, I know I'm not up for a sudden unexpected attack or upset I know that I'm putting my best in somewhere and its appreciated. I hope you can sort this out as its really miserable, it must be so awful at a time of bereavement too. Thinking of you and wishing you the best.

[LetsPlayDarts]

OP, you're taking a bashing on here completely unnecessarily.

Your DP provided a roof over his ex-dp and their kids heads until the kids were adults. I guess he provided maintenance too. If thats the case hes gone above and beyond.

Time is clearly up for the ex with her golden uterus and the only person to blame is her. Its not just the fathers responsibility to provide for the future and I guess this was no surprise to the ex.

Also, I'm so sorry for your loss. Be kind to yourself and just remember you can't please everyone.

[JolieOBrien]

I can remember when my Dad was getting remarried and my Step-Mum was having her two granddaughters as flower girls and not my little daughter. So I said to my Dad you do realise how upset she will be if she sees 2 little girls walking behind her Grandad and not her? He agreed but my Step-Mum's response was you always let Jolie have her own way ... which annoyed me but I let it go over my head and I actually paid for my daughters dress so they would not have the extra cost. My Dad's wife does get me annoyed a lot but I make an effort to get on with her for his sake ... he once confided in me that she would never be a replacement for your Mum and I think he probably meant it.

[Willyoujustbequiet]

Im sorry for your loss but I can completely understand the SDs position

How can you not see where she's coming from? Why on earth would she want to play happy families in her childhood home that her mum had to leave. Its so shortsighted of you.

[SandyY2K]

Providing financially doesn't represent being there from a child's perspective.

Finances will provide her basic survival needs, but as humans we need more than that....especially children. It sounds like his DD feels hurt, which you have taken as her being a spoilt brat.

The house situation must be so bizarre to her. I'm really surprised you expected any different reaction to what you got from her.

In her position I don't think I could step in the house while you were there.

You just need to accept how his DC feel and get on with your life.

You may not always be his partner...(he left the Ex who he had kids with), but she will always be his daughter.

Don't live in hope things will change, just do what you need to do and leave your DP to manage the relationship with his DC.

Deal with the things in your control and leave the rest.