Need advice - step children causing me so much upset.

[oldgoatlep]

I will try to be brief. I have been with my partner for 10 happy years the only issue between us is his children (now over 18) they have always 'tolerated' me, never rude but indifferent and one word responses. He met me soon after he split up with their mum so I guess they see me as an obstacle (she has remained single). Over the years I have always welcomed them and tried to be friendly we used to have them every other weekend and at Christmas, took them on holidays etc. I always expected that when they became over 18 they would stop coming round as to me it was always obvious they did not want me around. It is the same with my 2 children who have tried very hard over the years to establish a relationship with them unsuccessfully. They are both now over 18 and as expected they no longer visit, they see their dad at the pub or out for dinner occasionally and it is obvious I am not welcome, they are not horrible to me just cold and they go quiet so over the last couple of years I have stopped going with him as I find it very upsetting. My partner has tried to talk to them but they state there is no issue. We usually have them over on boxing day and this is where the problem is this year. My partner and I have noticed this year that his daughter is becoming very distant she does not answer his texts or calls and I have not seen her since last year. To make matters worse last year we finally got my partners house back (they and their mum were living in it but he paid her a large sum of money that she was not entitled to legally, to move out so we could sell the house as he has been paying the mortgage on it for 10 years, he is sole owner they were not married) she was in agreement to leave as quite happy with the large payment (morally my partner felt he had to give her a sizeable sum of which I agreed) He hoped to sell the house but houses are not selling here currently and we could no longer afford to pay the mortgage/bills on that house and our own rent and bills so we moved in temporarily to get some work done on the property to hopefully sell it next year when the market picks up. I lost my father last week, he died very suddenly and I am devastated so is my partner we cared for him for the last few years. His daughter has chosen this week (before the funeral) to call him and rant at him saying he has not been there for her and she is furious about the house. He has met her and talked and tried to explain why we have had to move in (none of us are happy about it, its weird for me!) and told her she is out of order re some of things she has said he has always been there for her very much so - they are both the only children in his side of the family and very spoilt. She is now refusing to come on boxing day (I usually have my dad bless him and my children too) and demanding he see her elsewhere, to keep the peace he has agreed to take her to the pub on boxing day to do the presents. He has been extremely upset over this along with the loss of my dad and I am struggling to cope with the loss and what I feel is the selfishness of his daughter her timing was awful she is aware my dad has passed away and she has caused so much upset in the week before the funeral. I am supportive of my partner and understand why he has chosen to agree to upset our usual boxing day routine but at the same time I am so angry. This means she will never come to this house whilst we are here and I will not see her at all. I have said I am so hurt by her actions re her timing I will not want to see her until she apologises I should have been grieving instead I have had to deal with a very tearful partner and an angry spoilt child. I do 'get it' I am not unsympathetic to how she feels but I hoped being nearly 20 now she would try to view things from our side. She lives up North now anyway. It has been left that he will see his children boxing day morning on his own and join us for our usual buffet and games later in the day, I know this is going to cause upset on the day as I feel for him and I am very hurt myself. I only buried my father last week I do not need this stress and neither does he. I cannot see a way forward.

It was always her dads house.

Yes but it was her home.

The double standards are mad, I bet she never felt this sad when her dad had to leave his home did she?

What a stupid thing to say, she would have only been 9 / 10 years old at the time when her parents relationship broke up, I’d hazard a guess that she was devastated that her dad moved out.

She only seems to care about herself and her mother

Yes but again, it was her home. I actually think this has very little to do with her mother - she probably understands the legalities of why her mother has to move out perfectly well.

The problem is her dad has also effectively moved his own children out of their family home & moved his step children in & now expects his children to go back to the home & celebrate bloody Christmas.

Doesn't matter that it was dads home in the first place.

You’re correct, it is their dad’s home in the first place (not their stepmother’s) so it must stick in their throat that they - his children - have to move out so the step children can move in. I also wonder if the step children will be turfed out of their home as soon as they turn 18 like his children have been.

You're going through a lot, sorry for your loss. She's also going through stuff, and she's still young which makes you unreasonable too.

Send them off to the pub, enjoy a bit of time to think about your dad. Then crack on with your family afternoon.

missuedenim

it was her home, but things change. Adults understand that. She will have also known it was going to happen, presumably.

Presumably the children would have had the choice to move in with their dad, op and ops children.

Its their dads house, and he can move in who he likes. OP has been around for 10 years.

They havent been turfed out because they're adults, their dad has taken back what is legally his because their mother no longer has dependents. Like I said, I bet they had the option to stay, they chose not to take it. That's up to them, isn't it?

She would have been entitled to at least half, that was their family home, she’d been living in it and bringing up the children in it. I think he’s behaved like an absolute dickhead to be honest. No wonder his dd is angry.

How has he behaved like a dickhead?! He has paid for a house he wasn't even living in for 10 years!! His children are now adults and he can't go on doing this forever.

It's ridiculous how much grief dads and step-parents get on these threads.

Furthermore - the dm in all if this would have known the house was going to be returned so why on earth didn't she prepare the kids for this? She has some responsibility in all this too but as usual on MN that's totally overlooked as she's the golden uterus whose role is to be propped up by her ex partner til the end of her days!

EXACTLY.

This mum has been so lucky that someone else had paid for a roof over her head for the past 10 years despite no longer being together. It's a shame that his daughter can't see the sacrifices that her dad has likely made to be able to do this.

The only thing that is not ideal about the housing situation was you all moving in - it would have been more sensible to rent it out to avoid awkwardness, because let's face it it would be awkward to visit your childhood home as a guest, especially knowing that they didn't really want to leave so it's sad for them.

But the idea that he should have done more than allow his ex to live rent free in his house for over a decade, and is a bastard for ever claiming back his property even once his children have left, is ludicrous.

sofa if they'd rented it they'd probably just get "you don't even need it youre just renting it out why couldn't mum of stayed there" from the daughter (and most of the posters on MN!)

I swear the first wives club are unhinged on threads like these.

Barking mad.

@IHateBlueLights I totally agree.

no one has to have a relationship with you. His children are perfectly entitled to not want to be close with you and your children and you say they've been courteous

Exactly. It's not anti-step-parents to say this. People creating multiple families need to understand that kids are separate, individual humans with their own feelings. Sometimes the hurt runs so deep it can't be overcome. Sometimes personalities just clash.

Leave her and her Dad to it. Give them the space to figure out how to be in each other's lives as adults. If she feels respect and love from him re: her position, she may reciprocate.

I swear the first wives club are unhinged on threads like these

Barking mad

Can you quote? Seriously. I've seen disagreement on here this thread but honestly nothing that could be construed as "unhinged" or "barking mad".

sounds like your dp has been about 75% of a total shit to his previous family

Id say this is pretty unhinged.

Jeez Step Moms get a royal kick up the derrier don’t they ..

OP clearly stated the house was the husbands outright..

he paid the mortgage and then went on to give the ex a sizeable amount which she gladly accepted..

OP & Hubby were renting and could not sell the house so they took a decision to live in a house which OH rightly owns TEMPORARILY doing it up with the intention of selling it in the next year .. ( perfect financial sense imho)

Kids are grown and moved on ..

Yes they will always be oH’s kids, by jove OP has kids too! Their step siblings ( I stand to be corrected)

We molly coddle kids way too much and let them ride rough shot over adults .. OH has another family but if older kids could be more respectful they could have an extended family which is only a good thing .. its been what 10yrs .. yes their is hurt but have they ever given OP’s family a chance🤷🏻‍♀️
There could be chance of blending the families if only they are not so hostile..

Not all step parents are monsters and OP’s OH is and was very generous to his ex .. he did not toss her in the street not ignore his kids..

Divorced or separated parents are allowed to move on and find happiness elsewhere .. why do the kids have all the rights? These ‘kids’ are young adults and they can change their attitude .. OP was not the other woman.

She is the wife of their father .. they don’t need to love her but respect is common courtesy ..
she makes their dad happy, it’s sad that OP & hubby are being bashed on this thread..
there are SO many evil step parents/parents out there and I don’t think that OP and OH fall in that category 🤷🏻‍♀️

This is just my opinion .. I DO NOT expect anyone to agree!

Nobody is bashing the OP - why are people pretending that's happening in order to chastise an imagined "first wives club" of all the bizarre agendas?

The only criticism is of the OP's partner, who seems self centered and lacking in empathy for all concerned - his partner is newly bereaved and his 19 year old daughter is in an awkward, emotionally charged situation being expected to visit her long term childhood home which she was asked to leave as soon as she turned 18, and where her her father's partners children now instead. Anyone who can't see how uncomfortable that is is devoid of empathy.

Yet the man at the center of all this is tearful and expecting his newly bereaved partner to comfort him! He made this bed! He put his DD in this position! His partner is the one who's lost her father, yet it's this man who is tearful demands to be comforted because his DD makes him uncomfortable and sad by telling him that he's made her uncomfortable and sad!

The op quite clearly states that they do respect the op and are courteous Hanab . As everyone keeps pointing out the man in the middle of this has not been married to anyone involved in this saga - not to the father of his children and not to the OP. So yes you do stand to be corrected - the OP's children are not her partner's daughter's step siblings at all - if they'd lived together as one family they might feel that wa in all but namey, but there's no indication that they have. All the "hubby" ing is incorrect too, there are no "hubbys" in this story.

This isn't about the OP's partner's ex, so I'm not sure why some posters are trying to make it about how magnanimous the OP's partner was to allow her to live in his house (until his children, for whom she was resident parent, were 18) even though they weren't married as many keep pointing out. He was providing a home for his children, not his ex. This was right and as it should be, although obviously lots of shitty excuses for parents choose not to meet this minimum standard. He clearly did meet his obligations to the letter but saw them ending cleanly when the youngest turned 18, which isn't how being a parent works - I'm sure the OP won't be telling her own children that her obligation to them ends in their 18th birthday and they must move out and be the adult from that day forth, maintaining only social ties on her terms.

His daughter says he's not been there for her and she's furious about the house. Her father is an empathetic black hole by the sound of it, not seeing how upsetting emotionally the situation is for his daughter and demanding he be comforted instead. He shouldn't be putting this onto his newly bereaved partner, he should face up to the fact he's created a very emotionally charged situation and own it and apologize profusely, not cry and play the victim!

@oldgoatlep

She sounds horribly spoilt and would stop creeping to her and leave her to it. My own daughter does not visit my Dad because she feels like he does not give her enough attention because he remarried and stopped visiting us a much as he used after my Mum died. I just listen to her complain about him and don't try to heal the rift because she has made up her mind about him. I know he was a loving Dad to me and we are very close and I visit as much as I can and take gifts for him and my Step mum. You can choose your friends but you can't choose your family and I would just try to enjoy Christmas as much you can. I am sorry for your loss and the first Christmas after the death of a parent is horrible I remember how I felt when my Mum died I still miss her at Christmas because she used to love it and it hasn't been the same since she died 30 years ago but life moves on.

as much as he used to after my Mum died

This isn't about the OP's partner's ex, so I'm not sure why some posters are trying to make it about how magnanimous the OP's partner was to allow her to live in his house (until his children, for whom she was resident parent, were 18) even though they weren't married as many keep pointing out. He was providing a home for his children, not his ex. This was right and as it should be, although obviously lots of shitty excuses for parents choose not to meet this minimum standard. He clearly did meet his obligations to the letter but saw them ending cleanly when the youngest turned 18, which isn't how being a parent works

Legally, he did entirely the right thing. He was providing a home for his kids and his ex. She did live there, rent free after all.

He didn't cleanly end his obligations when his youngest turned 18 though did he? he gave the mum a lump sum to allow her and the children if they wanted to, to move on and buy somewhere else. He didn't leave them high and dry, so lets not pretend otherwise.

That is ending his obligations cleanly Bollykecks , how could it be interpreted otherwise? Its an appropriate way to deal with an ex but not a daughter.

notnow ok then, he's ended his obligations by doing something that legally, he did not have to do. He has done that in the interest of his children.

How is it not appropriate for his daughter? What should he have done? let her and her mum live there indefinitely whilst he continued to pay the mortgage?

Why do people still think men should provide endlessly?

It makes me laugh that we want equality but we also think women should be indefinitely supported by their ex husbands.

I'm sorry about you losing your Dad, it's terrible to go through, i know.

I can see both sides here. If i were a stepchild i would be furious if i couldn't see my Dad alone. No matter how nice, welcoming or blameless you are i would only ever be polite and every Christmas and birthday card with you on it would go in the bin.

I know I'd have no balance or adult perspective on it. If i were you i would save your energy as she just wants nothing to do with you, no matter how unfair it is.

I can see both sides here. If i were a stepchild i would be furious if i couldn't see my Dad alone. No matter how nice, welcoming or blameless you are i would only ever be polite and every Christmas and birthday card with you on it would go in the bin

and people wonder why its hard to be a step parent when even adults act like this.

and people wonder why its hard to be a step parent when even adults act like this i agree, I'm just saying that is how i would feel. It would feel as though someone were muscling in on my relationship with my parent. Logic and feelings don't always match.

It would feel as though someone were muscling in on my relationship with my parent

I'd argue that you have no idea how you would feel unless you're in the situation. I personally don't feel that way at all about my step parent, but them I am not a self centred person and can appreciate that quality time with a parent doesn't have to be 1 on 1. You sound like a spoilt teenager saying that!

Did Dsd have to move North due to house sale? Where does the mum and other step child live?

The timing on this is awful but I do see why your step daughter is upset. I also think the Boxing day meet up is perfectly reasonable as he has to accommodate his daughter, given you we have Christmas Day as a unit.

Losing your family home is enormous, it seems to have been the only home she knew and some people don't handle change as well. I am sure the mum prepared the children as well as she could but the reality is always different.

Your partner will resent the situation if he loses his children over this so for your sake I think you need to separate the emotions.

As you are not married do you have security over the home you now live in with your children?

I would really encourage you to let go of any negative emotions to your step daughter. She is still emotionally developing whereas you are an adult and I don't think it will help you to compare losses or who has more right to sympathy. She hasht done this deliberately to hurt you, the timing is awful and adding in Christmas you were bound to have fireworks.