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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

Need advice - step children causing me so much upset.

108 replies

oldgoatlep · 17/12/2019 05:20

I will try to be brief. I have been with my partner for 10 happy years the only issue between us is his children (now over 18) they have always 'tolerated' me, never rude but indifferent and one word responses. He met me soon after he split up with their mum so I guess they see me as an obstacle (she has remained single). Over the years I have always welcomed them and tried to be friendly we used to have them every other weekend and at Christmas, took them on holidays etc. I always expected that when they became over 18 they would stop coming round as to me it was always obvious they did not want me around. It is the same with my 2 children who have tried very hard over the years to establish a relationship with them unsuccessfully. They are both now over 18 and as expected they no longer visit, they see their dad at the pub or out for dinner occasionally and it is obvious I am not welcome, they are not horrible to me just cold and they go quiet so over the last couple of years I have stopped going with him as I find it very upsetting. My partner has tried to talk to them but they state there is no issue. We usually have them over on boxing day and this is where the problem is this year. My partner and I have noticed this year that his daughter is becoming very distant she does not answer his texts or calls and I have not seen her since last year. To make matters worse last year we finally got my partners house back (they and their mum were living in it but he paid her a large sum of money that she was not entitled to legally, to move out so we could sell the house as he has been paying the mortgage on it for 10 years, he is sole owner they were not married) she was in agreement to leave as quite happy with the large payment (morally my partner felt he had to give her a sizeable sum of which I agreed) He hoped to sell the house but houses are not selling here currently and we could no longer afford to pay the mortgage/bills on that house and our own rent and bills so we moved in temporarily to get some work done on the property to hopefully sell it next year when the market picks up. I lost my father last week, he died very suddenly and I am devastated so is my partner we cared for him for the last few years. His daughter has chosen this week (before the funeral) to call him and rant at him saying he has not been there for her and she is furious about the house. He has met her and talked and tried to explain why we have had to move in (none of us are happy about it, its weird for me!) and told her she is out of order re some of things she has said he has always been there for her very much so - they are both the only children in his side of the family and very spoilt. She is now refusing to come on boxing day (I usually have my dad bless him and my children too) and demanding he see her elsewhere, to keep the peace he has agreed to take her to the pub on boxing day to do the presents. He has been extremely upset over this along with the loss of my dad and I am struggling to cope with the loss and what I feel is the selfishness of his daughter her timing was awful she is aware my dad has passed away and she has caused so much upset in the week before the funeral. I am supportive of my partner and understand why he has chosen to agree to upset our usual boxing day routine but at the same time I am so angry. This means she will never come to this house whilst we are here and I will not see her at all. I have said I am so hurt by her actions re her timing I will not want to see her until she apologises I should have been grieving instead I have had to deal with a very tearful partner and an angry spoilt child. I do 'get it' I am not unsympathetic to how she feels but I hoped being nearly 20 now she would try to view things from our side. She lives up North now anyway. It has been left that he will see his children boxing day morning on his own and join us for our usual buffet and games later in the day, I know this is going to cause upset on the day as I feel for him and I am very hurt myself. I only buried my father last week I do not need this stress and neither does he. I cannot see a way forward.

OP posts:

ChaosisntapitChaosisaladder19 · 17/12/2019 19:20

I'm guessing their was a cross over between you're dp leaving his wife and commencing a relationship with you. Its not surprising his children are not warming to you op. They have tolerated you but to add insult to injury you're dp has taken their childhood away from them and their mother if they had been married she would have been entitled to more than half morally it was a disgusting thing to do. They are entitled to have a relationship with their df separate to you and you're dc respect you're wishes I suspect theres more to this story than what you're sharing and it would be interesting to see the step children's side.

ColaFreezePop · 17/12/2019 20:10

@ ChaosisntapitChaosisaladder19 the OP made clear there was not an overlap.

sue51 · 17/12/2019 20:57

All other matters aside, this post shows why its so important to get married if you have children and there is property involved.

hsegfiugseskufh · 17/12/2019 21:05

but expect a still-growing 19 yo young woman to be fine with the history of loss of her parents together, loss of her family home...

She is 19 not 9.

The op has lost her actual parent. The step daughters mother had to move out of a home that was never hers in the first place. She will have expected that, will she not?

op i dont feel youre losing out here. Surround yourself with people you care about, who care about you. Dont put yourself out making an effort with people who couldn't care less just because you feel you should.

Im sorry for your loss

hsegfiugseskufh · 17/12/2019 21:05

sue51 or pay your own mortgage, yes.

Clymene · 17/12/2019 21:36

Like I said, it doesn't matter if it was financially right for the mum of the step children to move out of the family home, from the children's perspective, he kicked their mum out and then moved in with his girlfriend.

If you'd wanted to build bridges, this was a very poor way of going about it

hsegfiugseskufh · 17/12/2019 21:42

The "children" are adults and this is something their dad has done and not op.

WendyMoiraAngelaDarling · 18/12/2019 04:29

The "children" are adults and this is something their dad has done and not op

What are they actually doing to the OP? Nothing as far as I can see. They're not attacking her or being unkind to her in her time of grief. They just don't care to have a close relationship with her and that's fine. Their upset is with their Dad and he is the one who has decided to prioritise his stress over it by weeping and wailing and demanding emotional support from his DP when she has just lost a parent.

notnowmaybelater · 18/12/2019 06:09

WendyMoiraAngelaDarling exactly

LatentPhase · 18/12/2019 06:52

@oldgoatlep I don’t think you should be trying to figure this out now with your own grief too raw.

so sorry about your dad.

IHateBlueLights · 18/12/2019 07:09

Sorry for your loss, OP.

The SD sounds awful. Typical spoilt brat. Of course youare upset and your DH should have puthis foot down and tod her no to Boxing Day because you eed him. Very selfish.

I'm laughing at people saying she's "very young" she's a 20 year old adult being a bitch is what she is. She knows what she's doing and your DH is letting her.

Scarsthelot · 18/12/2019 07:26

You are suggesting that he doesnt see his kids for a couple of hours over christmas?

Bigbigboots · 18/12/2019 07:38

I can very much see your step daughter's point of view. Her father left them and in her eyes it probably seemed as though it was to be with you and then you both kicked them all out of the family home so you could live in it together. That is very upsetting.

IHateBlueLights · 18/12/2019 07:40

It would be if it were true. But it isn't.

SoVeryLost · 18/12/2019 07:46

@IHateBlueLights I don’t see where the SD is being what you call her @WendyMoiraAngelaDarling has got it in one.
Nowhere does the OP say she loves her step children, in fact she said she expected contact to be dropped when they turned 18. It sounds like there is no love lost between the children and OP. The DH should spend some time with his children over the Christmas holiday and they don’t want OP there and that’s fine.
I don’t like my Step mother and she will tell everyone who’ll listen I never liked her when the truth is she never liked me and made contact difficult, lots of little PA things, her children were treated very differently etc. There are always two sides to the story and looking at the language the OP uses I would say there is no love lost between the SD and OP but she also wants her husband to be hers over Christmas but he has children.

PoultryBallot · 18/12/2019 07:46

I couldn't return to my childhood home that I had just moved out of and see my dad and his wife where my mum used to be. OK her mum might have agreed to move but the daughter didn't. There is such an emotional bond for children and their family home, all the firsts and lasts and everything in between.
I'm sorry about your dad but especially because he won't be here this year I think it might actually be easier to have a different kind of boxing day because your emotions will be raw and you will notice your dad's absence more if it's the same as last year.

Magda72 · 18/12/2019 07:55

@WendyMoiraAngelaDarling - you make a fair point & yes, the dp should possibly be coping better, but he too was close to OP's dad & in this emotional state & as they are a couple it's understandable that they are both upset.
Whether the dp should or should not be coping better is still irrelevant to the fact that this is not the time for an adult child to throw a stroppy tantrum. Part of becoming an adult is knowing that sometimes it's best to shut up for a few days &/or knowing how to express your disquiet calmly to someone. I say this as someone who has a 22 year old who while being a wonderful young man still sometimes thinks that what's going on in his life takes precedence over mine - it doesn't - & part of my job as a parent is teaching him this.
Furthermore - the dm in all if this would have known the house was going to be returned so why on earth didn't she prepare the kids for this? She has some responsibility in all this too but as usual on MN that's totally overlooked as she's the golden uterus whose role is to be propped up by her ex partner til the end of her days!

IHateBlueLights · 18/12/2019 07:58

Furthermore - the dm in all if this would have known the house was going to be returned so why on earth didn't she prepare the kids for this? She has some responsibility in all this too but as usual on MN that's totally overlooked as she's the golden uterus whose role is to be propped up by her ex partner til the end of her days!

So, so true.

LatentPhase · 18/12/2019 08:50

Yep, true dat. Both parents have responsibility for the adjustment of their dc. It’s not a step mum’s role.

My dd struggles and is upset by the fact that her dad had to move out of the (very large house) he bought with his (childless) ex last year. That’s because she doesn’t understand how finances and mortgages work and that there were others factors at play. However, a 20 year old definitely had the ability to see the big picture unless they have been babied or fed a line by mum or SN.

IdleBet · 18/12/2019 08:59

Regardless of age, you have moved your children into her family home.

I know she had no interest in you even before this happened, so just leave her to whatever relationship she wants with her father.

Don't get involved. I wouldn't be crying over an adult stepchild who didn't want to know me.

foodiefil · 18/12/2019 09:16

She sounds like an immature bitch. Sorry about your dad

You've done what you can I'd be not trying anymore. Support your partner and focus on your own children.

Try and enjoy your own Christmas.

Maybe do something in the morning / lunch time you wouldn't otherwise do - a walk or cinema.

Forget her. If she comes back then act like nothing happened but I wouldn't be trying to get her to see it from your perspective - she will only resist and that will frustrate you.

hsegfiugseskufh · 18/12/2019 09:20

There is such an emotional bond for children and their family home, all the firsts and lasts and everything in between

yes, but we grow up and we realise that things have to change. She is old enough to understand this. Her mum will have known this was going to happen all along, so im guessing it will not have come as a surprise to her.

It was always her dads house. The double standards are mad, I bet she never felt this sad when her dad had to leave his home did she?

She only seems to care about herself and her mother. Doesn't matter that it was dads home in the first place.

Thewheelsarefallingoff · 18/12/2019 10:02

It sounds like your dp has not behaved very honourably or loyally to his family. He is reaping what he has sown. You need to leave him to it, op.

The law is no friend to unmarried mothers. Why wasn't the ex a joint owner (of at least part if a large amount of equity predated her). That is pretty poor.

Sorry about your dad, op. However you're turning your anger in the wrong direction, your stepchildren owe you no debt. You are living (rent free?) In a house their mother put 2 decades or more into.

hsegfiugseskufh · 18/12/2019 10:11

It sounds like your dp has not behaved very honourably or loyally to his family. He is reaping what he has sown

whats he not done honourably? it was his house. He let his ex partner and children live there until the children were adults. Why should he ultimately give up what is his for his ex?

The law is no friend to unmarried mothers. Why wasn't the ex a joint owner (of at least part if a large amount of equity predated her). That is pretty poor

it was down to her to protect herself, and she didn't. We don't know why they weren't married. Maybe he bought the house before he even met her?

Sorry about your dad, op. However you're turning your anger in the wrong direction, your stepchildren owe you no debt. You are living (rent free?) In a house their mother put 2 decades or more into

op has been with her partner for 10 years - why on earth wouldn't she live rent free? she is not exactly a new GF.

We don't know if the mother put anything into it. OP said that her partner has been paying the mortgage for 10 years - presumably the ex has been living there rent free.

Motherlandismylife · 18/12/2019 10:14

This reply has been deleted

The OP has now deregistered, as they have privacy concerns. We have agreed to take this down at their request.

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