Need advice - step children causing me so much upset.

[oldgoatlep]

I will try to be brief. I have been with my partner for 10 happy years the only issue between us is his children (now over 18) they have always 'tolerated' me, never rude but indifferent and one word responses. He met me soon after he split up with their mum so I guess they see me as an obstacle (she has remained single). Over the years I have always welcomed them and tried to be friendly we used to have them every other weekend and at Christmas, took them on holidays etc. I always expected that when they became over 18 they would stop coming round as to me it was always obvious they did not want me around. It is the same with my 2 children who have tried very hard over the years to establish a relationship with them unsuccessfully. They are both now over 18 and as expected they no longer visit, they see their dad at the pub or out for dinner occasionally and it is obvious I am not welcome, they are not horrible to me just cold and they go quiet so over the last couple of years I have stopped going with him as I find it very upsetting. My partner has tried to talk to them but they state there is no issue. We usually have them over on boxing day and this is where the problem is this year. My partner and I have noticed this year that his daughter is becoming very distant she does not answer his texts or calls and I have not seen her since last year. To make matters worse last year we finally got my partners house back (they and their mum were living in it but he paid her a large sum of money that she was not entitled to legally, to move out so we could sell the house as he has been paying the mortgage on it for 10 years, he is sole owner they were not married) she was in agreement to leave as quite happy with the large payment (morally my partner felt he had to give her a sizeable sum of which I agreed) He hoped to sell the house but houses are not selling here currently and we could no longer afford to pay the mortgage/bills on that house and our own rent and bills so we moved in temporarily to get some work done on the property to hopefully sell it next year when the market picks up. I lost my father last week, he died very suddenly and I am devastated so is my partner we cared for him for the last few years. His daughter has chosen this week (before the funeral) to call him and rant at him saying he has not been there for her and she is furious about the house. He has met her and talked and tried to explain why we have had to move in (none of us are happy about it, its weird for me!) and told her she is out of order re some of things she has said he has always been there for her very much so - they are both the only children in his side of the family and very spoilt. She is now refusing to come on boxing day (I usually have my dad bless him and my children too) and demanding he see her elsewhere, to keep the peace he has agreed to take her to the pub on boxing day to do the presents. He has been extremely upset over this along with the loss of my dad and I am struggling to cope with the loss and what I feel is the selfishness of his daughter her timing was awful she is aware my dad has passed away and she has caused so much upset in the week before the funeral. I am supportive of my partner and understand why he has chosen to agree to upset our usual boxing day routine but at the same time I am so angry. This means she will never come to this house whilst we are here and I will not see her at all. I have said I am so hurt by her actions re her timing I will not want to see her until she apologises I should have been grieving instead I have had to deal with a very tearful partner and an angry spoilt child. I do 'get it' I am not unsympathetic to how she feels but I hoped being nearly 20 now she would try to view things from our side. She lives up North now anyway. It has been left that he will see his children boxing day morning on his own and join us for our usual buffet and games later in the day, I know this is going to cause upset on the day as I feel for him and I am very hurt myself. I only buried my father last week I do not need this stress and neither does he. I cannot see a way forward.

[SandyY2K]

Providing financially doesn't represent being there from a child's perspective.

Finances will provide her basic survival needs, but as humans we need more than that....especially children. It sounds like his DD feels hurt, which you have taken as her being a spoilt brat.

The house situation must be so bizarre to her. I'm really surprised you expected any different reaction to what you got from her.

In her position I don't think I could step in the house while you were there.

You just need to accept how his DC feel and get on with your life.

You may not always be his partner...(he left the Ex who he had kids with), but she will always be his daughter.

Don't live in hope things will change, just do what you need to do and leave your DP to manage the relationship with his DC.

Deal with the things in your control and leave the rest.

[Willyoujustbequiet]

Im sorry for your loss but I can completely understand the SDs position

How can you not see where she's coming from? Why on earth would she want to play happy families in her childhood home that her mum had to leave. Its so shortsighted of you.

[JolieOBrien]

I can remember when my Dad was getting remarried and my Step-Mum was having her two granddaughters as flower girls and not my little daughter. So I said to my Dad you do realise how upset she will be if she sees 2 little girls walking behind her Grandad and not her? He agreed but my Step-Mum's response was you always let Jolie have her own way ... which annoyed me but I let it go over my head and I actually paid for my daughters dress so they would not have the extra cost. My Dad's wife does get me annoyed a lot but I make an effort to get on with her for his sake ... he once confided in me that she would never be a replacement for your Mum and I think he probably meant it.

[LetsPlayDarts]

OP, you're taking a bashing on here completely unnecessarily.

Your DP provided a roof over his ex-dp and their kids heads until the kids were adults. I guess he provided maintenance too. If thats the case hes gone above and beyond.

Time is clearly up for the ex with her golden uterus and the only person to blame is her. Its not just the fathers responsibility to provide for the future and I guess this was no surprise to the ex.

Also, I'm so sorry for your loss. Be kind to yourself and just remember you can't please everyone.

[GlamGiraffe]

@oldgoatlep
I read your post and can completely understand. I have had almost identical issues with my SD. She us now 31 and married and I have been in her life since she was 14. She has always been difficult by silence but as time has gone on she became more and more awkward (and in her own mind it has transpired built a huge imaginary picture of a world that suited her. A story which was absolutely untrue she used this story to build feelings on and act on). Despite always saying to her dad that there was no real problem and we were just not really alike, she never told him any of what was inside of her head. I wonder if at any point she knew it was untrue before she began to believe it or has always been deluded. She never had a proper relationship with her half brother (DH and my son) , never was interested. He hated her for being do horrible. As a small child who I have always shown up be kind, no matter what you receive, it was beyond his comprehension and an adult of 19 through into their 30s should always have had had the grace to just behave civilly (especially to a child). I have argued with my husband so much over the years as I was always upset, always heartbroken and always made to feel rubbish i went to huge effort to try to do really nice things, always thinking of SD etc, cooking something she liked, buying an xmas gift relating to something I knew she was interested in etc EVERY time without fail she threw it in my face, often literally.
The time came when I was so upset, again I was offering help over her wedding as they couldnt afford things, and she was vitriolic and vile her arguments and attack had not a word of truth behind them. She had never ever been PROPERLY spoken to by her father. He had pussyfooted around without saying much when he said he had words about behaviour attitude etc and she had been allowed to let her false image of the world and if her own self important status grow. He had never corrected her, primarily because of his own fears of alienating his daughter. When it all came out DH really did take her to task her ideas were ludicrous and her behaviour was on an epically appalling level.. A work of fiction. the impact her behaviour and accusations had on me and the effect on my family (with me included) are irreparable.
DH now sees her occasionally on her own. He has to drive miles to see her He agrees it us unfair for her to be in our home after the way she treated me. She has actually really robbed him of the family he wanted to be able to have because of her very childish behaviour.
A lot if this was enabled by him.

Very honestly I would tell your OH this is the time he has to put aside any worries about really telling his daughter how it is shes an adult. Speak to her sternly like one. if this had happened my situation might have been rescuable. She needs to be told firmly. She is not 4. She cannot have ultimate control. By letting do a little bit each time the pattern is set and for you, the agony us prolonged and increases and gets worse.

Since my own SD was removed from my life I have certainly, I know I'm not up for a sudden unexpected attack or upset I know that I'm putting my best in somewhere and its appreciated. I hope you can sort this out as its really miserable, it must be so awful at a time of bereavement too. Thinking of you and wishing you the best.

[hsegfiugseskufh]

notnow the whole house thing may have been out of his control. It most likely was.

He probably does understand why his daughter is upset but it doesnt mean her behaviour is acceptable for an adult.

[sassbott]

There is a lot of drama on this thread. And a lot of it for no good reason IMO.

1. this man more than met his financial obligations and then some. Now the daughter could choose to be upset or choose to be grateful. She’s upset so that either means she’s a spoilt, entitled, brat. Or something else has gone on to which we are unaware. Quite frankly let him and his daughter spend christmas however and wherever they wish. Step out of it and keep yourself to yourself. The relationship with his daughter is for your partner to navigate, not you. And I say that from a genuine place of kindness. More stepparents need to learn to detach. I couldn’t give a monkeys what happens between my DP and his Dc, I only concern myself with my relationship with my own children.
   
   
2. the loss of your father is significant and will be hitting you hard. Maybe more as Christmas comes and goes. It’s not easy. Try to separate the two things that have happened. Your fathers loss is yours and the people who are your tribe should be supporting you. No one else. Lean on the people close to you, go to counselling to help process the grief. And put this nonsensical drama over a house out of your mind.

[notnowmaybelater]

Bollykecks read the OP. The entire convoluted farce with the house and lack of understanding or empathy for what a big ask boxing day in the house was of his daughter in the circumstances.

[hsegfiugseskufh]

Or hes just upset that his daughters a brat and hes just handled it badly?

Please elaborate on how you know that HE created this situatuon.

[notnowmaybelater]

Bollykecks because he is the kind of man who creates a difficult situation for everyone then when called out plays the wounded party and expects to be comforted by one of the people he's put in the middle of it despite the fact she's the one who's father just died.

[hsegfiugseskufh]

notnow he may have paid maintenance on top. Why do you automatically assume the worst? Because he is a man?

[notnowmaybelater]

IHateBlueLights that makes no sense.

Some people are very hung up on the daughter's mother when she isn't even relevant - the OP's issue is with her partner and partner's daughter.

tinyvulture is probably right though.

[IHateBlueLights]

What kind of parent would rather not provide a home for their ten year old?

The ex wife, that's who.

[tinyvulture]

I think (and I admit I could have this wrong) that at the heart of OP’s distress is her conviction that her (now grown up) step children don’t like her, despite the fact that she feels she always tried her best with them.
I do have some sympathy. I have 4 grown up step-kids. Two I am very close to, one I like and get on fine with, just don’t know them very well, but the fourth I am totally convinced doesn’t much like me (I have various bits of evidence for this, which I won’t go into here), despite the fact that I feel I have always tried very hard to be nice, friendly and supportive to all four (and I definitely wasn’t the OW - nobody could plausibly think that).
I have come to the conclusion that some people just don’t like you - you can’t really say why - they just don’t. And really there is nothing to be gained from taking it personally. It is a bit upsetting though - I would totally agree with that. If you love your partner, it’s a natural corollary I think to want a good relationship with their kids. Just sadly that isn’t always gonna happen, even if you have tried your best. Noone’s fault. Just the way it is.

[notnowmaybelater]

Bollykecks we don't have any financial information unsurprisingly, but as the OP refers to his children plural, not just one daughter, it's perfectly likely that paying the mortgage and having his ex remain in the family home doing 12 out of 14 days of childcare and providing and parenting was far cheaper for him than paying maintenance for 2 or 3 or however many children. We also don't have any way of knowing whether he wanted his children living with him - plenty of men don't see it as their job to compromise their careers by working around their children. We have no information to tell us whether this man was an exception and fought to have his children live with him, put in a flexible working request, had bedrooms ready for his children in his home, but was thwarted in the courts or selflessly decided not to be either resident parent nor to have the children 50/50 in their best interests.

[hsegfiugseskufh]

notnow presumably he was living somewhere during that time, he could have housed her there. Or he could have sold that house, and bought another and housed her there. Or he could have payed her mum maintenance as his share of housing her, you know like most NRP's do.

It is not usual to pay for 2 houses until your kids turn 18. It is usual for both parents to pay for their own house, you know?

[notnowmaybelater]

Bollykecks you can't imagine he wanted to house his own daughter from the age of nine or ten years old until the age of eighteen? What kind of parent would rather not provide a home for their ten year old?

[notnowmaybelater]

Has he invited her to live with him? That would be tricky given she was initially told to move out so that the house could be sold. Is there space with the OP's children now living there? Would it be tolerable for both daughter and OP? Does the daughter have cause to genuinely believe that the OP was her father's other woman while her parents were together even though she wasn't? As she came into the picture so quickly the daughter may genuinely believe that her father lied about timing. That's an almost impossible emotional hurdle to jump in order to return to your childhood home...

[hsegfiugseskufh]

but he's created this very awkward set up and, according to the opening post told his daughter that she's the one who's out of order

he likely had no choice, he will have legally had to house his ex and kids until they were 18. I cant imagine he did this because he actively wanted to, can you?

I think kicking off is out of order, she's a grown adult. She should know better. He could have not said that and just thought it and pandered to her, yes.

I don't think he's playing the victim at all, he is allowed to be upset that his daughter is acting like a nasty little brat. I think he should put that to one side, to support op personally though.

[aSofaNearYou]

He clearly did meet his obligations to the letter but saw them ending cleanly when the youngest turned 18, which isn't how being a parent works

Suggesting that a separated dad should keep paying for his ex and kids to live in his house after they have become adults is like saying a parent should just buy their kid a house at 18 because "parenting doesn't stop just because they're adults". Many parents allow their children to continue living with them either with or without rent, many parents give a contribution towards a mortgage... Very few just give their adult child their own house and take the financial loss themselves.

It's very likely that he would be more than happy for his daughter to come and live with him because that is how parenting works and often adult children can't move out immediately, but it is NOT how parenting works to just give her a house. Let alone the fact that it might just end up being his ex living in it.

[notnowmaybelater]

Bollykecks We don't have much information I agree, but he's created this very awkward set up and, according to the opening post told his daughter that she's the one who's out of order. The OP describes him as being tearful. He's the cause of it all though! He's created this inevitably difficult and humiliating and tense set up and is tearful and trying to style himself as the victim because his daughter isn't playing along.

[hsegfiugseskufh]

notnow sorry but how do we know he is showing no empathy for his child? I agree he isn't acting very well towards OP!

How exactly has he washed his hands of empathy on his daughters 18th birthday? by selling HIS house? After 10 years of paying for it? What would you suggest he do?

Maybe he does feel sorry for her, but in the real world finances have to come before your adult children being a bit sad. For all we know he might of offered her to live there with him!

[notnowmaybelater]

Bollykecks this is about the lack of empathy a parent shows towards their child and bereaved partner, not about men providing for women You don't wash your hands of empathy for your children on their 18th birthday unless you never actually had empathy to begin with. He's asking his daughter to suck up all her negative emotions about the incredibly awkward and rather humiliating way he's treated her and "tearful" and playing the victim, demanding he be supported by someone in more need of emotional support (his partner) than he is, when she (his daughter) calls him out.

This man has caused a really awkward and upsetting situation for his partner and daughter - he made this bed - but he's the tearful one.

[Magda72]

Rubbish. Utter rubbish. You are extrapolating information that simply isn’t there.
@Sotiredofthislife - we're all making certain assumptions including you! So no need to get rude or personal. My comments were general & about the tone on this form which is SUPPOSED to be a step-parenting form (see title) but which regularly turns into a bashing of stepparents by certain posters who seem to think that first wives & first children should be treated with kid gloves, nor should they have any responsibility towards cultivating manners or empathy for any situation or person beyond their own little world!
These posters are all entitled to their opinions & to bash stepparents if they so wish but I'd suggest they get their own forum for that & stop hijacking this one when they have NOTHING constructive to offer bar their own anger & vitriol at their situations!

[Elfnsafe1y]

Stop taking on your DPs problems. Getting upset on his behalf doesn't help.
Let the DSD be a spoilt brat - there is nothing you can do to change that. Just concentrate on giving your family as pleasant a time as possible, despite your loss.
DSD probably won't change until she has her own family. Be supportive of DP but stay in the background as far as his DCS are concerned.