Do you ever worry about the future?

[C1239]

I have been with my partner for over 5 years, we live together and his boys (both under 10) see me as their Stepmum which is lovely. I am very lucky to generally have a great relationship with them. There have been stressful times but I think with all relationships and children, step or not, there are challenging times! I’m mid 30s and don’t plan to have my own children but feel I have sort of naturally grown into the stepmum role ... I was just wondering if any other stepparents have times of overthinking/worrying about the future? If the worst happened and you split with your partner, we would also loose our step children? I guess because I see us as a family the thought of loosing them really saddens me! Sounds silly I’m sure. Just wondered if other stepparents ever have these concerns?!

I'm married to DH but understand that if we separated I wouldn't have a relationship with his children. It's difficult because I don't have a very strong bond with them and therefore it's hard to really throw myself into family life when they're around. I prefer it when they're not to be honest. Mine are quite a lot older than yours.

I worry about that from the other side. My ex has a new partner whose child died a few years ago.
I have pointed out the potential issues of her becoming too attached to our ds, as I know ex well, and he uses her quite shamelessly as free childcare. If they split, I can only imagine her distress but It’s “none of my business”
I’ve no idea what the answer is.

My dad remarried after my mum died. I adore my step mother. She had a lot of difficult mothering years with me (all the teen ones).
She and dad divorced 8 years ago. She’s still my mother, and my children’s (born post divorce) grandmother. Her husband is another grandfather.

You don’t need to lose them if no one wants to be lost

You might not lose them. DPs step mum who was married to his dad for 8 years and is the mother to his sister's is still part of our lives. They're divorced now but we see her more than we see DPs dad! He hated her growing up because she put restrictions on Xbox/made him do his homework but now he has a child of his own he understands

My ex has a new partner whose child died a few years ago.
I have pointed out the potential issues of her becoming too attached to our ds

How lovely of you

I feel the same OP, not so much if me and DH split, more worrying about if they will change as they get older, how the relationship with them will change over the years. I like to think not, but you just don't know.

That’s what worries me Chong, do you just try and not think about it? I guess this is one of the down sides of not being a ‘traditional’ family 😒, it really worries me sometimes.

I get it OP.
The thing is with biological parents, even if the kids fall out with them, or they argue, there is that undying love connecting them. We don't have that luxury.
Just remember you are a bonus. An added extra. And for that the children are very, very lucky. If the worst happened and you split with their parent, you just have to hope you have built enough ground work, trust and love to weather the storm. If not, that's okay too and you will be fine. Try not to let it effect you too much, much a life has been ruined by 'what ifs'

I feel under a lot of pressure in that I am aware of the effect it would have on my boyfriend’s children if I were to want to end the relationship in the future. I’m not planning on it, but knowing it would be there is an extra layer of pressure. The youngest one doesn’t remember me not being around which made me a bit when I first realised that was the case.

They are lovely, but I don’t think I would get in to another relationship with someone with children if my boyfriend and I were to separate in the future. It just makes everything so much harder!

@wheresthesandman I agree

I am commenting this as a step child whose step mum and Dad broke up.

My Dad still wanted me to have the normal relationship with my step mum and thankfully she still wanted to see me when they broke up. I was 17 at the time and once they went there separate ways I visited her often and I speak to her every second day and visit her once every 2 weeks for dinner.

It was her that kept our bond strong after they broke up and it was my Dad that encouraged me to go and see her when I was unsure about 'betraying' him. You would unfortunately need permission to see your step children depending on what age they are but it is really possible to form life long bonds. I have grown up with 3 parents and I am so so incredibly lucky. I would be lost without my step mum.

Someone else has commented that there is that unbreakable bond with parents. However, it can exist with step parents too. Its build with an accumulation of time, patience and love. I have had some horrible horrible rows with my step mum (as a horrible teenager and beyond) and it's the knowledge I have that she would forgive me no matter what and her I that keeps us going.
Did it take time? Yes.
Was it worth it. Yes.

That was my biggest worry about getting serious with DH and forming a close relationship with DSD. I think it’s always a risk as while I hope I’d maintain contact with DSD you never really know

I was closer to my stepdad than my biological dad and I can't envisage experiencing anywhere near the same amount of grief when my dad dies compared to when my stepdad passed away.

When my dad split up with his second wife she wrote me a really long letter explaining what me and my brother meant to her and how she would love to still be in our lives but would completely understand if not. We were devastated at the thought of never seeing her again. She lives in another country now but we still have a relationship and visited her last week in fact. It's been 19 years since they divorced.

Just to add, it's the love and closeness I had with both my step parents that has provided me with so much reassurance when my own marriage fell apart. Ex dh and I are both in second long term relationships and I can see the bonds they have with my dp and their dads dp and I know their lives all the richer for it.

@chongadong My concerns are valid. If my ex leaves his current partner, ds will continue to see his df at weekends leaving no time to see ex’s current partner. The distress that might cause her could be horrendous, but ex isn’t bothered. Yes, it worries me. Not sure what’s wrong with that.

@mintjulia I would think she has given it a lot of thought, given what she went through, and is more than aware of the possible outcomes. It really isn't any of your business. Poor bloody woman.

Yes it worries me, more so now we have a shared child.

DH has recently been very ill with two weeks in hospital, two operations and still very weak. It hit me like a train, not that I haven’t thought about it before, how my relationship with my step children is so wholly dependent on him being alive and here. They’re primary age and I don’t have any contact with their mum. If DH died I’d probably never see them again and they’d never see their sister again. She wouldn’t even remember them.

He’s on the mend, slowly, and we’re very happy and stable so hopefully won’t divorce but I spoke to him about my (awful, middle of the night) fears and he can’t do anything to help but he got how I feel.

Actually happened to me.

A couple of my half-siblings were under 16 but as everyone else was older contact was up to us.

I am also aware that there is legal precedent were if there are half-siblings, a child or a parent can ask for contact and if the other parent refuses they can take it to Court and win the right for contact between the half-siblings. It however doesn't mean the step-parent has a relationship with the step-children it is just their job to facilitate it between the children.