Aibu ? Fed up

[Tooconfused123]

So I’m just looking for some advice here and pointing in the right direction.

I have been with my parent 3 years. My partner has a daughter from a previous relationship (8), he sees her at a minimum 2 nights a week. He works shifts meaning he is in work every other weekend, so the weekend he’s if off he has her Saturday pm to Sunday pm.
We had a weekend trip planned around Christmas which involves him swapping the day he has her, which was planned in advance (6months) and he arranged to have his daughter another night to compensate. He has turned around now and said he doesn’t want to go anymore as he won’t see her over the weekend so is cancelling the trip and having her instead, this isn’t the first time he has just changed his mind and cancelled plans with me to have his daughter.

I’m not sure if I am being unreasonable here, but please don’t think this is me trying to get between them or being jealous. I am not that way at all and I wouldn’t mind if it was down to an emergency and his daughter needed him or even if we hadn’t made the arrangements before but I think to repeatedly change these things last minute is just hurtful as I go out of my way to organise these things, I make arrangements with my family and also I have spent a long time looking forward to going.
Inviting her along as out of the question, we are going with a group of adults and we will be going out to bars etc
What are your thoughts ?

This is a difficult one because he really doesn't get to spend much time with his daughter but it's obviously been planned for such a long time.

Did he sort it with the ex when you planned it? Could it be that he's left it to the last minute and she's not happy?

When's he proposing to have the missed contact with his daughter?

Can you go without him? To be fair he doesn’t see his DD much so I can understand why he wants to see her.
Shouldn’t ruin your plans though.

I know he planned it with her initially but I don’t know if something else has been said. The ex can be quite flippant in how she reacts to things so something that is ok now may not be next week...

He is picking her up from school today and having her over night then is picking her up from school Friday and dropping her home at 7. He would of had her Tuesday or Wednesday but her mother said no. In addition he is picking her up Sunday night ahe will stay until Tuesday.

The two days a week isn’t down to him it’s what the ex will allow. I couldn’t really go alone there are 3 groups of couples so it would just be a little strange.

Thanks

He’s being very unfair to you. As you have said yourself it’s not an emergency, it’s not like she’s ill (or her mum is ill and can’t look after her which would also be understandable), he knew he would miss a weekend night with her due to this trip when he agreed to it 6 months ago and he is seeing her on a different night to compensate for it. While it’s obviously a good thing that he wants all his contact time with his daughter he’s treating you fairly appallingly and that’s not OK.

Honestly, I admire his dedication to his daughter. So many men just drop their kids When a new partner comes along.
I understand it must be hard for you but I guess it’s the nature of being in a relationship with someone who has children.
It is something that is unlikely to change whilst she’s young so can you live with it? Would you be happy if things continue like this?

Thank you for the responses.
That’s the thing it’s not like this has been sprung on him or we are going away for any extensive length of time. I am just struggling to get my head around it.

He is committed to her yes but also I am am his partner and he made plans with me so surely I deserve some level of respect from him the same as you would expect from any friend/ family member ? Lots of people go away for the weekend when they have children they just plan accordingly, I don’t see why it’s any different for him!

I don’t know if it is likely to change it has been like this from the start and he doesn’t seem to see any fault in what he does.

No you are not being unreasonable. It would be different (and could qualify as admirable as some pp's are saying) if he just said he couldn't miss any weekends with his daughters when invited, but to agree to go and then cancel after plans have been made is rude and very disrespectful to you, as well as thoughtless of the embarrassment it could cause you. To do it more than once is a sign of a very selfish person.

He is not admirable at all.

I’m sorry. But I think it’s completely unacceptable and selfish behaviour on his part.

As you say, if this was an emergency, understood. If something came up, also understandable. But if he has committed to plans with you, 6 months ago, then as his partner, you also deserve some level of prioritisation.

If he wasn’t able to do this, he shouldn’t have committed. And if he didn’t want to, then he should simply be honest with you. In your shoes, I’d be having an open, non confrontational conversation with him about where he is with things. I would ask him if his view is going to be that all of his time with his daughter is a number one priority. Because from what you’ve explained, you’re getting no weekends away/ Saturday nights out. Ever.

Now if he says, yes my weekends with my daughter are my priority. Always. And they will be for the forseeable future, then you have to go away and think about what you want out of a relationship and if this is it.

I think it’s that simple. There a plenty of people who accept this. And they see their partner when their partner is available and remain relatively independent When the partner isn’t and have an active social life away from the partner.

Or they come to the realisation that actually, from time to time, they want to be prioritised. And whilst their partner is admirable in prioritising their child, they themselves want someone who can prioritise them once in a while.

It all comes down to what you want. Oh and I would still go on the night out. Who cares if everyone else is in a couple? I’m sure the other couples won’t care and will make sure you feel included. Don’t cancel your plans.

I’d be furious with him. Massively dismissive of your feelings. It was something you were really looking forward to and planned for months in advance and he just decides to change his mind on a whim? Twat.

Hmm I think since he doesn't see her that much, I can understand him wanting to see her. He probably got closer to the date and didn't want to miss out on seeing her. I'd be very happy that he puts her first like that, I think you just have to accept that as part of being with someone with children.

It’s not admirable at all. As PP said he agreed to it months ago then flakes out at the last minute, rather than just being honest with you and saying “my DD will be my number one priority every single time, regardless of your needs or our plans”. Fine. Then you get to decide if you are happy with your place in the pecking order. But I think he knows that’s not how to nourish and maintain a relationship, so he lied and has strung you along in the hope that you will swallow the pill and know your place.
My DH has a DD with his ex. If he had plans with me then those plans were stuck to except in times such as DD being unwell or childcare emergencies. Ex and DH are relatively flexible with swapping a day here or there to help each other out, including the odd swap so that he could shockingly have a weekend away with me.
I couldn’t have continued with the relationship under those terms, OP, only you can know if you can live with it because I suspect he’s not going to change.

To repeatedly cancel things at the last minute is totally unreasonable. It sounds like there will never be a Saturday night out for you or a weekend away, ever. Even if it’s planned. That’s depressing.

Maybe he is nervous of rocking the boat with his ex & contact being withheld. And he would rather upset you than her.

You can call him out in it but you are pretty powerless to change it, perhaps time to re-evaluate your relationship while you enjoy your Christmas weekend away.

He is being unreasonable imo. To arrange something with anyone 6 months in advance then back out at the last min (when it isn't an emergency) is bad manners and disrespectful. Have you lost any money due to accommodation booked etc? . I would also be re-evaluating my relationship at this point.

This is not right. It's not like you are going with your children and leaving her behind, it's an adult weekend, a special occasion I guess.

Are you sure it isn't an excuse because for some reason, he is anxious about going or doesn't want to any longer.

I have a happy relationship with a man with children and it is absolutely not part of the deal that you always have to come last . I would question whether any of the posters who suggest that it's normal behaviour and you should put up with it are actually step parents (or possibly just jealous ex wives who would like their exes to never move on with their lives and be at their beck and call forever....)

It's lovely that he places a high priority on seeing his daughter, but if you want to have a partner as well as being a parent you need to balance the needs of both. Neither will always come first. He made a commitment to something with you. He should honour that unless there's some emergency. I would have a serious talk to him about whether he really wants a relationship, and if so why he thinks it's ok not to honour a commitment made. Having a child he likes to see is not an excuse to let people down.

He’s not unreasonable to want to see his daughter. But he is very unreasonable to string you along for 6 months and then cancel plans at the last minute. It shows a complete lack of respect for you. I’d be furious.

So it turns out the ex had “forgot” and has said she can have her but won’t be able to take her to dance class and he said she will tell his daughter it’s his fault as he was too busy to take her 😕

I’m annoyed at him for not telling me the truth and making me feel like he didn’t care. He said he didn’t because he didn’t want to stress me out with ex drama but just made it 1000x worse !

Why are things always so dramatic ?? It’s frustrating as if my partner was meant to have his little girl an extra night/day for the mother to go away and he forgot she would go into turmoil !!

Couldn't he arrange for a friend or someone to take her to the dance class? Or just tell her she'll miss it for once. Hardly the end of the world. It's not a huge drama to find out his ex has forgotten (maybe he should have reminded her if she's prone to forgetting?). She's been fairly reasonable all in all, saying she can still have her and she'll just have to miss the dance class. No big drama required. Child misses dance class cause dad is away and mum can't get her there - happens all the time in together families too. Or someone asks a friend to give their child a list to a dance class. Your DP prioritises the weekend with you that he's commited to.

I had suggested that but the ex tends to guilt trip him saying their daughter wants him to take her.

The more I find out about this ex the more manipulative I think she is which isn’t going to end well 🤦🏻‍♀️

He's being unfair, I was told once that the relationship with your children is a given a relationship with a partner needs nurturing. I know he doesn't see her much but he changed nights to compensate. It's unfair and sadly shows where you come in the pecking order.

He had his own relationship with his DD and shouldn't be guilt tripped over 1 dance class.

I was told once that the relationship with your children is a given

I don't agree with this at all. No relationship is a given. You don't have a good relationship with your child, just because you are a parent.

You equally need to work on your relationship with your child, especially if you're a NRP.

The biggest mistake is expecting a good relationship on the basis of DNA.

That's probably why so many parents fail miserably if they take it for granted.

So it turns out the ex had “forgot”
Mmmm, or maybe he forgot to tell her! This is exactly what my ex used to do, but he would never admit it to his partner so blamed me, and then of course, it made me come across as the one being unreasonable, which gave her fuel to blame everything on me.

Not saying that it is the case here, but it took years for my ex's partner to realise that indeed, he was very good at blaming others for his forgetfulness.

@QueenOfIce I could not disagree with that more.
A relationship with a cold absolutely DOES need nurturing. I can’t even begin to type all of the reasons why. I really hope you haven’t listened to these words. All relationships need nurturing.

*child