3 bombshells that Nobody Bothered to Tell Me

[Eyezswideshut]

Background

Live with DP for 1.5 years now. We've both always contributed to all our shared lifestyle roughly 50/50 but sometimes one person will be in a better financial position than the other so usually 1 is paying most and then it swaps around. Never had an issue with this. He does as much as me in that sense.

DP has 2 kids he sees regularly. They stay over and we also get on well. There has never been any issue with his ex. His ex is on very good terms with his family. They were childhood sweethearts and their families are located in the same area (2-3 generations). We live a little bit away from them so don't see them all as much but ex spends a lot of time with his female relatives. This isn't the problem, I'm just setting the scene so you all might be able to understand how this happened.

DP's work is project based. He gets paid per job but it might be months between pay checks of a few thousand pounds depending on the size of the project. As far as I understood, he pays for the kids out of this money as and when it comes on an informal arrangement. Their kids don't seem to want for anything and they were always amicable so I assumed that his ex was happy with this and received sufficient money.

To sum up, my impression was that DP had always been a involved Dad who was hands on and paid for his kids. Nobody ever said a bad word about him and his kids seem to love him to bits. The only small clue I had to the contrary is that he was clueless when shopping for his daughter.

1st Bombshell

We planned a baby. We planned for me to work part time in my own business (mobile hairdresser) after a year of maternity leave. We planned to use the deposit I've saved and buy somewhere (we've saved some etc). When ex found out about me being pregnant, she called ex and said she wants a chat with him about the future. He came back saying that she wants to formalize maintenance and from the figures they worked out together, it will mean that we can't go forward with most of the plans we had. I'd have to go back to work by 6 months (to a salon) and the money we have saved will have to cover living expenses.

At the time, people questioned (on here) how making the support formal would change his expenditure so drastically if he was always paying a sufficient amount for his children. It didn't occur to me that he wasn't.

2nd Bombshell

Ex lets me know that he probably won't wake up for feeds or to help in the night because he does "day time". I've had a history of a severe depressive episode in my teens that started when I was not sleeping due to exam/peer stresses. I'm now very anxious about not sleeping in case it happens again. He lets me know that ex spent most nights with her mum when the kids were young to get help. I had no clue this was how it went whatsoever.

3rd Bombshell

I reach out to DP's mum and sister who tell me that he was a shitty dad/partner. Fun but not dependable and since we have been together (2.5 years), he has barely given his ex a penny. The only thing he contributes is what I see (clothes,trainers, days out,toys) and that they (mum and his older sister) used to get the kids basics to help out the kid's mum. He would buy something ultra trendy for their birthdays or Xmas but for his benefit rather than theirs. They laughed when I expressed my ignorance to all this and said obviously considering they are still on good terms, theyd be together if he was a good dad/partner. They said he loves his kids but he's too much of a Jack the Lad to be more hands on.

I can't believe they haven't told me all this. I'm now 38 weeks pregnant with our baby and I can't do it alone. My parents told me that it was silly to have my first marriage/baby with someone whose done it all already and they are BOTH married to other people with kids themselves.

Don't you think people should have let me know sooner? I probably know 50-75 of his close family and friends (think East End type area) and they've never given me any impression other than that he is a brilliant dad and a great catch.

he hasn’t supported his children, it’s not a deal breaker for you.

How I feel about the money is this. I acknowledge that splitting is the catalyst to his financial contributions diminishing so selfishly, I'm very concerned about taking that step.

But you're right in that I cant imagine being with someone who has taken these steps. Especially as our relationship seems to be a factor that influenced his actions. And selfishly, I'm worried about how I appear by staying with him. I'd definitely need him to admit that he has done wrong by everyone involved so far before I could see my myself on a path where we stay together.

There is a cultural issue I haven't mentioned. His family come from a Travellers background although they have been settled for 2 generations now. There are gender roles that have remained and that is what you are fighting against. The fact that he does as much as he does for the kids compared to some of his cousins who are more immersed in the community means that he hasn't got anyone to show him different.

He's been as hands on as he is now with his kids ever since I was on the scene. They've always had a close, loving relationship. An example I can give is that the first time I saw them with their mum and him in the same place, I was surprised how much they went for him for help or comfort rather than their mum. Most kids I know go to their mum if she is available. Based on this I don't think he suddenly started being hands-on to impress or attract me. The kids would know by then if he can be relied upon for those things or not. They wouldn't cover up for him.

I cook mainly. He does laundry sometimes. He is very clean and tidy but one of our luxuries is a cleaner so both of us skip the big things and keep it nice inbetween. One great thing about his background is that he is very house proud and he has lived alone so knows how to keep on top of it himself.

He could afford a cleaner but want helping to feed his children. Sounds like quite the prize.

I assume the cultural issue is why his family didn’t think this was an issue you should be aware of, it might not be as big an issue for them.

But in your place I would need to be assured he is paying child support and won’t be modelling sexist gender roles for your child.

Jesus I couldn't be with a man who states they don't do nappies or night feeds.

Ex H was a hands on Dad but never did nights. At the time I excused it as I was such a light sleeper and he never woke as slept so deeply. I now realise it was just selfishness. He put himself first always.

He also didn't have empathy for my lack of sleep and this was the major factor in my sleep deprivation (& depression) because I also felt pressure to keep the house running to the same pre baby standards. I think you need to discuss this because if you are not sleeping, functioning the next day to hoover isn't going to happen.

I think it's extremely unrealistic to expect his friends and family to "warn you" about these things. I think everyone has friends who we wouldn't choose as partners ourselves or we know unflattering things about, when they start dating someone new, we just think "each to their own".

Especially his ex. She would appear completely bonkers to ring you up and complain about him. Do you think you would have entertained that conversation happily and ended it with "OK thanks so much for telling me, I'll go break up with him now".

There’s the ever so predictable turn around. Like clockwork.

Best of luck OP.

I dont think it is all that different to the fathers on here who never do nights and sleep in a different room. I'd hazard a guess that those guys change very few nappies themselves.

So...you're not upset about being let down by his family and by the sisterhood you felt with his ex for not telling you he's a crap dad now?

Then what was the point of this thread? Just to say 'my DP is just like every other'?

I should imagine the point of the thread is for OP to try to get her head around her new realisations.

I think OP is generally worried how she'll cope with a baby in the light of her past depression. I think this is a big part of the issue. Talk to your HV or GP about your worries. Then plan how you will cope and involve DP in your plans he may step up. It might work out better than you fear. Hugs

.you're not upset about being let down by his family and by the sisterhood you felt with his ex for not telling you he's a crap dad now?

I feel lots of different emotions but that isn't something that is a dominant thought or something I'm prioritising at this time. As the last poster said, I'm just getting my head around everything I've found out and getting some perspective.

You seem to be ok accepting the bare minimum. Good luck.

It is true men do less nighttime stuff especially if they work and you are on maternity leave but this is the case for me and I have relied on my husband some times. There's been times where i rest needed him to step up and he did. Can you rely on your partner to do the same?
I would seriously consider ditching him because it sounds like you'd have less to do if he want around (i.e clear up his messes)

And my husband doesn't do much in the night as I've said above but he does change loads of nappies and carries him about to fall asleep if he's refluxy etc

How long did you know him got before planning to have a baby? Couldn’t have been much longer than a year, and you are unmarried. I really do think you need to live with someone for several years before committing to having a child. I know I’ll tell my daughter that it is the most important decision she will make.

Let’s hope you don’t have a baby with colic or a non sleeper. I couldn’t have got through it without DH- I would have punched him in the face if he dared to say he won’t change a nappy. I do think the issue with never having paid for his children is unforgivable.

Congratulations anyway and I hope you are able to enjoy the last weeks of your pregnancy.

"he's said he doesn't do night feeds or nappies."

I would have laughed in DH's face if he had said this to me. Did you just stand there and say 'oh, ok then'?

What do you mean not the nappy changing type ffs this is the 11at century he will need to learn ...having a dick doesn't mean he has to be one... no one is the nappy changing type... bloody ridiculous
This child is half his he has to pull his weight... just because his ex leg him be a crappy dad doesn't mean u have to ...

So I spoke to his ex who gave me more context. Risky but right decision.

When their eldest was born, Ex was booked for pregnancy under the local hospital of her mum's area. If she used a different address after the birth, the midwives from the neighbouring hospital would have visited so she would have had antenatal and labour care with 1 hospital she wanted to give birth and postnatal care with the other one which is what she wanted. That's why she stayed at her mum's and not his mum's when they had the baby. DP's mum felt a bit pushed out according to ex but ex was a teen mum and wanted her mum a lot. So she stayed with her for months with eldest and a few weeks with the youngest.

Ex said that DP could not really stay there as she had a single room with the cot in it but he was round all the time. She admitted that both her and her mum did the nappies but it was out of convenience rather than design.

In terms of money, she said she only wants to secure a fixed monthly income so she has some figures to work with for her own plans. She pointed out that maintenance is meant to cover a lot of things he supplies and she expects that to reduce significantly once he pays maintenance regularly. She doesn't actually think she will be that much better off depending on whether he cuts out his contributions to clothes, shoes, classes,holidays etc. She said that his mum and sister are being harsh by saying he hasn't given her hardly anything and if that was the case that she thought he was a terrible provider, she would have told me from the outset and wouldn't have sat back silent while we bought a car or went away (we took the kids).

What still remains is that he lied to me. Okay it seems he isnt as crap dad as I thought but he did lie to me.

Right well regardless of what happened between them- you’re not her, he is older, he knows how to parent now, you want him fully involved, you’re living together so it’s a totally different set of circumstances. Time to sit down with him and lay it all out. He is to be a completely hands on parent. The only bit he won’t be doing is feeding the child from your breast (if you’re breastfeeding) but everything else is his job exactly the same as it’s your job. He doesn’t ignore a dirty nappy or hand the baby over to you, he doesn’t even draw your attention to the dirty nappy, he notices it, goes to the change bag, gets out wipes and a nappy, changes it and throws the dirty nappy in the bin then washes his hands. You don’t need to be informed of any of that. Same with changing a babygrow the baby puked on or winding or whatever else needs done. He just does it. Just like you will. Lay it all out straight for him, this is parenting. If he isn’t fully on board he can leave now and set up a standing order for child support.

I wouldn't respond well if he spoke to me like that even if he was right so I think I will just speak to him about my concerns about sleep and take it from there.

Wow.

As my nan used to say "there's more than one way to skin your husband"

You just seem so terrified of doing anything that he won’t like. You are so very passive. You were afraid to ask the very important questions about child support and his parenting of his babies before getting pregnant, preferring to assume all was well. when the bombshells dropped, rather than be angry at him you were angry at his ex, his mum and his sister for not warning you. And now you’re shying away again from setting any boundaries or expectations and going for letting him know your “concerns about sleep” (as if that’s the only concern!!) and taking it from there. Bloody assert yourself woman! Stop being so afraid he will walk out on you.

I dont know how else to explain that I did ask AND HE LIED! I just did not ask to see paperwork to support what he was saying so that is why I remained oblivious.

My concern is about sleep. That's the bit that I feel I can't do alone. What I am thinking is that I will BF mostly and go to bed early while he gives the baby a bottle or 2 of formula (I don't want to pump) in the evening. He will have to change nappies in that time. He can then bring baby to bed in with him and I will do the night feeds to keep up my supply as midwife suggested.

I'm going to buy a bedside cot in addition to the cot bed we have already got up in our room. I'll put the cot bed in the nursery now and keep the side on one in the bedroom until the baby is ready for their own room. That way I can do feeds while laying down.

Midwife reminded me that my choice to breastfeed would mean I am waking up several times a night anyway and a nappy change is seconds in comparison. She also said the best way to settle a baby is usually the breast anyway. She didnt say I should let DP off with doing nothing but she did say that sharing the load doesn't have to include both being up at night at the same time.

I have more perspective now.

If I was angry at his mum and ex and not him, I wouldn't have pissed off to his mums for the weekend to bitch about him and get some context from his ex all while barely speaking to him at all.

Absolutely, shifts is the best way to go. Just watch out for the diminishing night feeds once your DP goes back to work. DH stayed up until midnight whilst I went to bed early and that latest exactly 4 weeks. Then he went back to work and couldn't possibly help because he was "tired". By month 4 I was hallucinating with exhaustion and had developed PND and PNA (having an unsupportive partner is a big risk factor). Our relationship still hasnt recovered. DD was a 'tiny' baby and woke 3-4 times a night at least until she was weaned. In the first few months it could be every couple of hours. You need to make sure you have a mental plan B in place because you know he has lied to you before and told you what he thought you wanted to hear before so there is no reason to believe he wont go back on his word once the tiredness really sets in.

His family come from a Travellers background

If you said this from the beginning, it would have been very clear.

From what I know of the travelling community, men and women are stuck in the traditional roles, to a more extreme level.