Background
Live with DP for 1.5 years now. We've both always contributed to all our shared lifestyle roughly 50/50 but sometimes one person will be in a better financial position than the other so usually 1 is paying most and then it swaps around. Never had an issue with this. He does as much as me in that sense.
DP has 2 kids he sees regularly. They stay over and we also get on well. There has never been any issue with his ex. His ex is on very good terms with his family. They were childhood sweethearts and their families are located in the same area (2-3 generations). We live a little bit away from them so don't see them all as much but ex spends a lot of time with his female relatives. This isn't the problem, I'm just setting the scene so you all might be able to understand how this happened.
DP's work is project based. He gets paid per job but it might be months between pay checks of a few thousand pounds depending on the size of the project. As far as I understood, he pays for the kids out of this money as and when it comes on an informal arrangement. Their kids don't seem to want for anything and they were always amicable so I assumed that his ex was happy with this and received sufficient money.
To sum up, my impression was that DP had always been a involved Dad who was hands on and paid for his kids. Nobody ever said a bad word about him and his kids seem to love him to bits. The only small clue I had to the contrary is that he was clueless when shopping for his daughter.
1st Bombshell
We planned a baby. We planned for me to work part time in my own business (mobile hairdresser) after a year of maternity leave. We planned to use the deposit I've saved and buy somewhere (we've saved some etc). When ex found out about me being pregnant, she called ex and said she wants a chat with him about the future. He came back saying that she wants to formalize maintenance and from the figures they worked out together, it will mean that we can't go forward with most of the plans we had. I'd have to go back to work by 6 months (to a salon) and the money we have saved will have to cover living expenses.
At the time, people questioned (on here) how making the support formal would change his expenditure so drastically if he was always paying a sufficient amount for his children. It didn't occur to me that he wasn't.
2nd Bombshell
Ex lets me know that he probably won't wake up for feeds or to help in the night because he does "day time". I've had a history of a severe depressive episode in my teens that started when I was not sleeping due to exam/peer stresses. I'm now very anxious about not sleeping in case it happens again. He lets me know that ex spent most nights with her mum when the kids were young to get help. I had no clue this was how it went whatsoever.
3rd Bombshell
I reach out to DP's mum and sister who tell me that he was a shitty dad/partner. Fun but not dependable and since we have been together (2.5 years), he has barely given his ex a penny. The only thing he contributes is what I see (clothes,trainers, days out,toys) and that they (mum and his older sister) used to get the kids basics to help out the kid's mum. He would buy something ultra trendy for their birthdays or Xmas but for his benefit rather than theirs. They laughed when I expressed my ignorance to all this and said obviously considering they are still on good terms, theyd be together if he was a good dad/partner. They said he loves his kids but he's too much of a Jack the Lad to be more hands on.
I can't believe they haven't told me all this. I'm now 38 weeks pregnant with our baby and I can't do it alone. My parents told me that it was silly to have my first marriage/baby with someone whose done it all already and they are BOTH married to other people with kids themselves.
Don't you think people should have let me know sooner? I probably know 50-75 of his close family and friends (think East End type area) and they've never given me any impression other than that he is a brilliant dad and a great catch.