3 bombshells that Nobody Bothered to Tell Me

[Eyezswideshut]

Background

Live with DP for 1.5 years now. We've both always contributed to all our shared lifestyle roughly 50/50 but sometimes one person will be in a better financial position than the other so usually 1 is paying most and then it swaps around. Never had an issue with this. He does as much as me in that sense.

DP has 2 kids he sees regularly. They stay over and we also get on well. There has never been any issue with his ex. His ex is on very good terms with his family. They were childhood sweethearts and their families are located in the same area (2-3 generations). We live a little bit away from them so don't see them all as much but ex spends a lot of time with his female relatives. This isn't the problem, I'm just setting the scene so you all might be able to understand how this happened.

DP's work is project based. He gets paid per job but it might be months between pay checks of a few thousand pounds depending on the size of the project. As far as I understood, he pays for the kids out of this money as and when it comes on an informal arrangement. Their kids don't seem to want for anything and they were always amicable so I assumed that his ex was happy with this and received sufficient money.

To sum up, my impression was that DP had always been a involved Dad who was hands on and paid for his kids. Nobody ever said a bad word about him and his kids seem to love him to bits. The only small clue I had to the contrary is that he was clueless when shopping for his daughter.

1st Bombshell

We planned a baby. We planned for me to work part time in my own business (mobile hairdresser) after a year of maternity leave. We planned to use the deposit I've saved and buy somewhere (we've saved some etc). When ex found out about me being pregnant, she called ex and said she wants a chat with him about the future. He came back saying that she wants to formalize maintenance and from the figures they worked out together, it will mean that we can't go forward with most of the plans we had. I'd have to go back to work by 6 months (to a salon) and the money we have saved will have to cover living expenses.

At the time, people questioned (on here) how making the support formal would change his expenditure so drastically if he was always paying a sufficient amount for his children. It didn't occur to me that he wasn't.

2nd Bombshell

Ex lets me know that he probably won't wake up for feeds or to help in the night because he does "day time". I've had a history of a severe depressive episode in my teens that started when I was not sleeping due to exam/peer stresses. I'm now very anxious about not sleeping in case it happens again. He lets me know that ex spent most nights with her mum when the kids were young to get help. I had no clue this was how it went whatsoever.

3rd Bombshell

I reach out to DP's mum and sister who tell me that he was a shitty dad/partner. Fun but not dependable and since we have been together (2.5 years), he has barely given his ex a penny. The only thing he contributes is what I see (clothes,trainers, days out,toys) and that they (mum and his older sister) used to get the kids basics to help out the kid's mum. He would buy something ultra trendy for their birthdays or Xmas but for his benefit rather than theirs. They laughed when I expressed my ignorance to all this and said obviously considering they are still on good terms, theyd be together if he was a good dad/partner. They said he loves his kids but he's too much of a Jack the Lad to be more hands on.

I can't believe they haven't told me all this. I'm now 38 weeks pregnant with our baby and I can't do it alone. My parents told me that it was silly to have my first marriage/baby with someone whose done it all already and they are BOTH married to other people with kids themselves.

Don't you think people should have let me know sooner? I probably know 50-75 of his close family and friends (think East End type area) and they've never given me any impression other than that he is a brilliant dad and a great catch.

And there's not many families that would think so badly of their son/brother that they warn women away and prevent him from ever settling down again.

Yes that speaks volumes!

That said I'm a bit surprised that the ex hasn't mentioned the maintenance payments to you before.

My DCs' ex didn't pay maintenance for years - he used to change jobs as soon as CSA caught up with him and even spent a period on the dole as he said it was pointless for him to work given he had to pay so much child maintenance when he did.

His current partner has a child from another relationship (with her own deadbeat ex) and she made him step up and pay maintenance. He wouldn't have done it otherwise and still bloody hates me for the fact he has to pay for his kids.

At no point would I ever have felt comfortable begging any of his girlfriends for help in making him see sense. I would always assume that they knew about his financial affairs and either confined his not paying or didn't care - I think I would have felt it was a bit demeaning to beg the girlfriend for help and that it would make me look weak when I was trying to put on a brave face in front of my (horrible) ex.

who the hell IS a shitty nappies in the middle of the night person?

We don't do it because it's a hobby. It's a necessity. And it's about to become his fucking necessity.

Don't even entertain the idea that he isn't "the type" unless he accepts that you're not the type. Somehow I guess he wouldn't accept that.

@Longines I've been in that situation too. I didnt beg, I just spoke plainly that I was surprised they were taking foreign holidays when he wasnt contributing to his child. I got a months maintenance after that, then it dried up again 🤷‍♀️

In terms of the night feeds etc, I'm in 2 minds. I've been talking to people and reading threads on sites like this and it seems common for men to do far less of the night care than the women.

I also wonder why she didn't speak to me. I feel awful that she might think I knew and didn't care. I most certainly would have done all I can to make him and at the very least, I would have calculated his contribution to things like the deposit to include what he should be paying because I'd know she could claim at any time. That's if I decided to stay with him.

Someone asked why I thought they broke up and I assumed through what he told me that they met young and grew to be different people.

I assumed through what he told me that they met young and grew to be different people.

You didn’t ask? you seem to have assumed an awful lot about this man and his relationship with his ex/children. Were you afraid to actually ask the questions incase you didn’t like the answers and then had to make a decision before you were pregnant?

You need to leave him and formalise child support so he’s paying a fair share to your child as well as the others. If you stay with him you’ll get bugger all. Leaving also means you can formalise custody so you get some time off - if you stay I doubt he’ll ever take the baby and give you a night off. As a single parent you’ll also have a greater entitlement to support and benefits.

Do not spend any of your money on joint assets! Keep your money separate from him.

Man doing less of the night care than woman (assuming man is working and woman is on mat leave) = normal
Woman staying with her mum most nights because she isn’t getting enough support from partner = not normal at all

Jesus OP you must feel like you've been hit by a train.

This man will do exactly what he wants, when he wants. It's up to you to decide if and how you can live with that. His first priority is himself. Personally I couldn't stay. Either way you will be raising this baby (the crappy parts anyway) alone, and he gets to waltz in and out doing the parts he chooses, if any.

I'm so sorry I've met men like this and they don't change and if you push back they just push back harder. I wouldn't want that added stress with a newborn.

I'm sorry this has happened OP. My situation is not is dissimilar and you will now see exactly why his ex left and had to seek support. Please see having to go back to work earlier as a positive as that was helpful for me and got me back some earning power which you'll need. Understand that even if he is there you'll be doing this alone and seek out genuine support from family or friends. Recognise that you will come to hate and resent him, and your relationship is over even if you stay for a while. Know that you will have the most fantastic bond with your child who will have little interest in him as more than a glorified playmate until they are older. It will pass, you will learn and get through it. Please read 'why does he do that's by Lundy Bancroft because DP will start to use manipulative behaviours to gain 'special privileges' like not doing nights and unfortunately that entitled behaviour is embedded in abuse.

Oh and as you have the good fortune to not be married please do check out the threads that talk of PR, contact, maintenance etc as you have the option of not putting him on the birth certificate and offering yourself some breathing space.

OP I'm sorry you're in this position now but really, it was your responsibility to ask the right questions and figure out if your partner was the right man to be settling down with and having kids with, before getting pregnant.

Did you have a conversation about what you both expect in terms of hours old domestic tasks after baby born? Night feeds? Your parenting values? What was important to you both in bringing up a child? What he felt went well bringing his first kids up and what he'd so differently?

I think if you'd have been having anything but surface level discussions you'd have already established who he was as a person and as a father without relying on the ex to tell you.

In terms of the night feeds etc, I'm in 2 minds. I've been talking to people and reading threads on sites like this and it seems common for men to do far less of the night care than the women.

Yes. I think that's true.

Because often the woman is on mat leave and

Note - she is financially supported by her partner (is your partner going to financially support you? Or will his money be going to the soon to be formalised maintenance arrangement for his other children. And what happens when he doesn't have a Project? Who pays you then? Who pays his ex then? )

.....and she may be breast feeding.

But if my husband, father of my child , had told me that he didn't do night times with the baby, I would have ripped him a new one.

The arrogance, the lack of compassion, the sheer self indulgence. It's mind blowing in its appallingness

Disgusting

And you,OP, are continuing to bury your head in the sand.

In a year you'll be back on MN saying 'you may remember me, my poor year old baby doesn't have a hands on daddy, money is a mess, we argue all the time, what should I do....,'

This man is a child in a man's body, which is why his ex got rid of him

Good luck to you. I'm bowing out now because this thread makes my blood boil.

OP, you seem very passive in all of this. Other people should have told you x, y and z, you blithely assumed he was this, that and the other and now you've just accepted his frankly appalling assertion that he's not a "changing nappies kind of guy."
I think it's time to shake a leg here and get things changed to your liking. I don't think all is lost IF, as you seem to imply, he's basically a good bloke. Lay it on the line what you want to see and give him the opportunity to step up. If he's not prepared to, also tell him very clearly that he'll be out on his ear.
For the record, I don't see it's necessary for two of you to be up in the night ordinarily (unless there's an issue of some kind - illness, a poo-nami requiring a bath or some such) BUT he needs to help you out in other ways. So, when ds was a baby, dh would "entertain him" in the evenings (when he could be a bit scratchy) and I would get an early night. He'd bring him to me for a feed last thing and then head off to bed himself (spare room). I'd do any overnight stuff and the early morning feed and then dh would take him off to dress him/play etc before work whilst I had a nap/lie-in. He loved forming that bond (and he had never changed a nappy in his life beforehand and probably never even held a baby).

You didn’t ask? confused you seem to have assumed an awful lot about this man and his relationship with his ex/children. Were you afraid to actually ask the questions incase you didn’t like the answers and then had to make a decision before you were pregnant?

As I said earlier, I came to that conclusion through what he told me. He's obviously spoken about it several times and my impression was that they grew apart as they grew up.

If you stay with him you’ll get bugger all. Leaving also means you can formalise custody so you get some time off - if you stay I doubt he’ll ever take the baby and give you a night off.

That's not quite the case. Staying with him seems to be the way to guarantee his full financial input. Leaving him like his ex did would mean that he stops contributing if we go on his history.

He also has his children regularly overnight. Once they sleep through and don't need nappies, he's happy to have them several times a week or for several days at a time.

Woman staying with her mum most nights because she isn’t getting enough support from partner = not normal at all

I think there will be a lot of women who are left to do the majority of the childcare and do want support but don't have the relationship with their parents or in laws to comfortably seek it. My Asian friends all go home to their mothers or their mothers stay with them after a baby to help look after it as the father does very little in that respect. I dont know if this will work for me because of the depression aspect but I have decided that this is neither right nor wrong. Just the way some people do things.

So, when ds was a baby, dh would "entertain him" in the evenings (when he could be a bit scratchy) and I would get an early night. He'd bring him to me for a feed last thing and then head off to bed himself (spare room). I'd do any overnight stuff and the early morning feed and then dh would take him off to dress him/play etc before work whilst I had a nap/lie-in.

This is more like what I think things will be like with DP. However I am worried about how I will cope with the normal lack of sleep that comes with a baby so I'm not sure I'll be able to do all nights alone.

To answer some other questions - DP rarely is without work. Longer periods without work lead him to find casual work in the field where he gets a good daily rate.

And to reiterate, I'm really not worried about money when we are together. It is IF we split.

My issue is that my partner,despite all the conversations and planning we did, never told me a) that he pays very little for his kids and b) that the hands on dad I see now is him as a dad to older kids. He wasn't as hands on with them as babies.

Of course we had all the conversations and truthfully, he either directly lied or lied by omission about some things.

Once they sleep through and don't need nappies, he's happy to have them several times a week or for several days at a time.

Oh, that's good of him!
What does he think would happen if you decided you weren't prepared to change nappies or get up in the night either? Or does lack of a penis mean you have some sort of valve in your nose that means nappies don't affect you? And how come he's (presumably) OK about his own personal hygiene? You know, not expecting someone else to come along and wipe his backside for him if he doesn't dancy doing it himself?

I dont think it is all that different to the fathers on here who never do nights and sleep in a different room. I'd hazard a guess that those guys change very few nappies themselves.

That doesn't make it right, just because others have set their bar low too.
My dh did both nights at the weekends, and once I was back at work we split them. As they got older, it "so happened" that his side of the bed was nearest the door, so when they wandered in during the night, they got to him first.
He also did more than his fair share of nappies.

You are obviously just going to put up with it OP. What happens if like me you are ill once baby is here? My DH did all the night feeds and nappies with ds3 for a period of time because I was poorly after birth. He couldn’t just opt out.

Oh and many children are waking in the night and in nappies for years.

oP
I am becoming increasingly confused by your thread.

You seem supportive of your partners decision not to engage with raising your baby in the early years. There seems to be an old fashioned or cultural gender issue here. I wouldn’t tolerate a man stating child rearing is women’s work and absenting himself from it. But you seem supportive of that stance. Just think about the behaviours this models for your child.

On money, while you seem annoyed he hasn’t supported his children, it’s not a deal breaker for you. It would be for me. It shows poor character and weak morals.

You say money won’t be a problem, the reason it isn’t at the minute is he isn’t paying towards his children. It might become tighter once he has been forced to step up.

At the end of the day it’s your choice. But my goodness he is a weak, selfish, sexist excuse for a person.

When did he start being so 'hands on'? Has he ever lived alone and been hands on with his kids? Or does he tend to be hands on when he has a girlfriend involved, who does the grunt work? Who cooks for the DSCs? Cleans up their mess? Does their washing/sorts bags for school, etc?

OP, you are right that all couples divide the childcare responsibilities differently and it's not for us to tell you what is right or wrong for you. Just don't be a doormat!