3 bombshells that Nobody Bothered to Tell Me

[Eyezswideshut]

Background

Live with DP for 1.5 years now. We've both always contributed to all our shared lifestyle roughly 50/50 but sometimes one person will be in a better financial position than the other so usually 1 is paying most and then it swaps around. Never had an issue with this. He does as much as me in that sense.

DP has 2 kids he sees regularly. They stay over and we also get on well. There has never been any issue with his ex. His ex is on very good terms with his family. They were childhood sweethearts and their families are located in the same area (2-3 generations). We live a little bit away from them so don't see them all as much but ex spends a lot of time with his female relatives. This isn't the problem, I'm just setting the scene so you all might be able to understand how this happened.

DP's work is project based. He gets paid per job but it might be months between pay checks of a few thousand pounds depending on the size of the project. As far as I understood, he pays for the kids out of this money as and when it comes on an informal arrangement. Their kids don't seem to want for anything and they were always amicable so I assumed that his ex was happy with this and received sufficient money.

To sum up, my impression was that DP had always been a involved Dad who was hands on and paid for his kids. Nobody ever said a bad word about him and his kids seem to love him to bits. The only small clue I had to the contrary is that he was clueless when shopping for his daughter.

1st Bombshell

We planned a baby. We planned for me to work part time in my own business (mobile hairdresser) after a year of maternity leave. We planned to use the deposit I've saved and buy somewhere (we've saved some etc). When ex found out about me being pregnant, she called ex and said she wants a chat with him about the future. He came back saying that she wants to formalize maintenance and from the figures they worked out together, it will mean that we can't go forward with most of the plans we had. I'd have to go back to work by 6 months (to a salon) and the money we have saved will have to cover living expenses.

At the time, people questioned (on here) how making the support formal would change his expenditure so drastically if he was always paying a sufficient amount for his children. It didn't occur to me that he wasn't.

2nd Bombshell

Ex lets me know that he probably won't wake up for feeds or to help in the night because he does "day time". I've had a history of a severe depressive episode in my teens that started when I was not sleeping due to exam/peer stresses. I'm now very anxious about not sleeping in case it happens again. He lets me know that ex spent most nights with her mum when the kids were young to get help. I had no clue this was how it went whatsoever.

3rd Bombshell

I reach out to DP's mum and sister who tell me that he was a shitty dad/partner. Fun but not dependable and since we have been together (2.5 years), he has barely given his ex a penny. The only thing he contributes is what I see (clothes,trainers, days out,toys) and that they (mum and his older sister) used to get the kids basics to help out the kid's mum. He would buy something ultra trendy for their birthdays or Xmas but for his benefit rather than theirs. They laughed when I expressed my ignorance to all this and said obviously considering they are still on good terms, theyd be together if he was a good dad/partner. They said he loves his kids but he's too much of a Jack the Lad to be more hands on.

I can't believe they haven't told me all this. I'm now 38 weeks pregnant with our baby and I can't do it alone. My parents told me that it was silly to have my first marriage/baby with someone whose done it all already and they are BOTH married to other people with kids themselves.

Don't you think people should have let me know sooner? I probably know 50-75 of his close family and friends (think East End type area) and they've never given me any impression other than that he is a brilliant dad and a great catch.

So he does not and will not do any parenting apart from Disney dad stuff, only during daytime though, and buying luxury consumer products and does DIY. Cool, enjoy. Not sure what you want from the thread.

I wouldn’t demand to see my OP’s bank, I don’t need to. I’ve seen his CSA letters so I know how much he’s paying for his child as well as being very much involved in taking care of her when she’s in our care, I see what kind of father he is. We’ve had a conversation about how we hope to manage sharing the care of our own child should we have one. We’re on the same page.

Does he know about your depressive episode when you were a teen? It seems like it would be massively important to talk through before trying for a baby. There is no doubt he is a asshole here, but you must take some responsibility as it doesn't sound like either of you have had a real conversation before getting pregnant.

If he actually knows your history then it makes his behaviour even worse.

The people who are absolutely not to blame are his ex and his family. It sounds damn obvious he's a Disney dad just from you saying that either you cook or you have a takeaway.

How old are his children out of curiosity?

Unless of course someone is hiding something or attempting to misrepresent themselves

A lesson for all of us getting involved with people who have children and previous partners. I know my ex plays a very open and honest game - holds his hands up to having had an affair and, I assume, appears contrite and sells himself as a changed man. What he is, however, is a very seasoned liar and he’s pulled the wool over from day one. Not paid a penny for 3 children in 12 years and all of his girlfriends have been nothing but vile about me to our children.

Take care everyone. Look behind the first impressions and remember sometimes people tell you who they are whilst pretending to be something g different.

We spoke through everything beforehand (including depression) and he's stuck to the financial commitments we've made together. Of course I thought that was in addition to sufficiently providing for his children.

I lived with someone else previously and I didnt ever see his financial information either. Largely because like DP, he stuck to commitments and was never stingy or shady when it came to getting figures on paper. We didn't have significant joint expenditures like I am planning with DP and we of course didn't have children. I think the fact there weren't any issues meant that I never needed to see any documents. I might be very guarded about letters because my mum used to open my mail until I was about 17 and thought it was completely fine to do so until I really set some firm boundaries and she heard from others that it isnt typical. Apparently her mother always did when she lived at home. I respect other people's privacy a lot as a result.

I think the overwhelming reason that I was oblivious to this is because in nearly all of these situations that I have been privy to through family and friends, the ex and "her side" have made sure that the new partner (that would be me in this case) knows everything bad, real and imagined, about the ex (DP in this case). As everyone gets along really well and I do see my partner spend money on the children, coupled with the fact that I trust(ed) him and respect his privacy, I really thought he did his share of parenting (we do have the kids regularly but not on a routine - I'd say they are here a max of 100 days per year in total.)

His ex has always been lovely to me btw. She even tells me not to take "any shit" from the kids. I think a part of me feels let down by the "sisterhood" element actually.

In terms of contributing towards the baby, he has done thus far. Okay we haven't opened savings accounts for the baby or things like that but we have bought everything and he has paid for most.

Honestly, it makes me sick to say this, but I think the issue with money starts when the relationship ends and worsens when he gets into a new relationship. That's how it went with his ex anyway.

Sorry I wasn't totally clear before. I mean that I thought if there was a problem, the ex would be the first to tell me because that is what I have seen in other situations with other people. The ex always tells the new partner that the guy (sometimes the woman) is the worst person on Earth. His ex has never done that.

OP, can't your partner change? Nobody is a wake up all night nappy changing "type". Just make him pull his weight (?)

OP You won't be 'doing it alone'. He will be there to do DIY projects, buy the child toys/clothes/food and play with them. The only thing you'll be on your own for is feeding your own baby at night - which is what most mothers do anyway and changing nappies.

Feeding my baby at night was a breeze. I'd wake up at their first stirrings, before they started to cry properly, and in the dark and total silence, I'd put them to my breast then after I'd gently return them to their cot. Never put lights on, played or spoke to them at night, let alone let them cry. I loved those quiet times with my baby and miss them.

Tell him if he's that grossed-out he can just changed the wet nappies and you'll do the shitty ones. Breastfed babies poo doesn't smell as bad as formula fed babies so he might pitch in with the shitty ones after awhile.

Make sure he bonds with his baby and keep away interfering grandmothers who want to take over. HE has to bond with his baby. I don't think he did before because of the ex's mother.

we do have the kids regularly but not on a routine - I'd say they are here a max of 100 days per year in total

That's the equivalent of two days per week - presumably he is parenting them during this time?

Tell him if he's that grossed-out he can just changed the wet nappies and you'll do the shitty ones.

What the fuck has happened to this place?

Tell him nothing of the sort. Tell him the first time you have to ask him to change a nappy you’ll be packing his bags while he does it. No-one will be asking you to change your child’s nappy- you’ll just do it as soon as you smell it. Same standards apply to him.

HE has to bond with his baby. I don't think he did before because of the ex's mother.

Yawn.

What in earth @Prevegen4U. What is the OP is grossed out by shit, who'll do it then? When I had my first baby, my husband was up during the night settling her, changing her and doing everything except breastfeeding. Because we are a partnership, he cared about my mental health and he was fully capable of not being 'grossed out'.
Men aren't fucking children to be babied, they are usually mature, successful adult humans who can adapt and change when they've jointly made a decision with their supposedly loved one.

The ex always tells the new partner that the guy (sometimes the woman) is the worst person on Earth. His ex has never done that.

But the fact she's not with him must have given you some idea that she doesn't think he's an ideal partner?

It's not the ex's duty to inform subsequent partners about what they're getting into - most exes will just think 'more fool them' or 'each to their own'. They won't think 'for the love of god, I have to warn her!'.

Most people know better than to try and warn off a new partner. The ones that do just get called jealous and then new partner ignores them and goes ahead and gets pregnant because “it’ll be different with me- he actually loves me so none of his bad personality traits apply”

Tell him that you dont do nights either and ask how thats going to work?

It’s not about demanding to see his bank account it’s about having an adult discussion about finances.
Your OP said that you discussed finances when planning the baby and you had talked about how long to have away from work. Surely his financial commitment(or lack of) to his children would have come up then? Well obviously it didn’t but it should have done.

As for the no changing of nappies or night feeds, what utter crap. I couldn’t be with someone like that.

Yes didn’t you ever sit down together with a bit of paper and work out both your income and outgoings? Or at very least at some point ask him how much his monthly child maintenance was? It’s kind of an important piece of information when it’s going to be an expense of his until the youngest child is out of education.

Your response to these bombshells is to be cross with his family? As others have said, sitting down with your partner and discussing the big issues is part and parcel of a relationship. It sounds like you made assumptions but it was a fantasy. Decide now what you want going forward. He doesn't do nights or nappy changing? Well tell him that he does now; or tell him that you'll put up with it but you're not happy; or tell him that it's a deal breaker for you. But TELL him. I hope things work out.

Yabu to expect more from his ex than your partner.

Most exes don't tell the new gf what went wrong with their relationship because the new gf often thinks that he'll behave differently with her or that the ex is bitter and lying.

Personally I think that you need to sit down and think about the red flags that you missed.

In my experience

1. It is normal to know the financial ins and outs of someone that you plan to have a baby with.
2. it is not normal to tell the new gf what is wrong with her bf. When they split up, the relative faces the wrath of the person that they dissed.
3. you didn't talk about life with a baby before ttc? You didn't ask about his experience with the older kids like what he'd do differently and what he'd do the same? You didn't ask about the practicalities of taking care of a newborn like how tough the sleep deprivation is?
4. he sounds like a Disney Dad so it's hard to believe that you didn't see signs of this. My ex is a Disney Dad and he makes our kids do no chores at his house, never tells them off or do actual parenting other than provide medical help in an emergency.

What you need to do is sit down and say he can't opt out of nappies and nights. You need him to do at least one night a week (when he's not working the next day ) so that you get a "lie in" and change nappies poo or not. Nappies, vomit, carrying the baby and feeding is 99% of the early days.

If he doesn’t do nappies, does he plan to never be alone with the baby?

How could this ever work? You aren’t a 1950s housewife. God, my grandfather changed and washed cloth nappies sixty years ago.

I am still flummoxed that you got this far into a relationship without realising he was such a useless twat.

Has he paid 50% of the baby equipment like car seat, buggy, nappies, clothes etc?

OP, I’m sorry to say this, but this is on you.
You should have had discussions about both of your expectations BEFORE getting pregnant.
It’s not up to anyone/everyone else to do that for you. And as for being ‘let down by the sisterhood’ because his EX who he has been FINANCIALLY SHAFTING didn’t come to you? Really? What about if she said she felt ‘let down by the sisterhood’ that you haven’t made him pay adequate maintenance? That you didn’t have enough say in the relationship to know how the finances worked?

Oh OP, come on to fuck. This situation is not the fault of the sisterhood.

The ex always tells the new partner that the guy (sometimes the woman) is the worst person on Earth. His ex has never done that.

What fucking planet are you living on ?

You're like someone from another time and universe.

Realistically if a partner's ex tells you he is a crap partner you just think "well you would say that, you're bitter jealous etc". And there's not many families that would think so badly of their son/brother that they warn women away and prevent him from ever settling down again.

That said I'm a bit surprised that the ex hasn't mentioned the maintenance payments to you before. She seems to see you as an ally in terms of the kids. If there was an issue with financial support you would have thought she might have tried to get you to make him step up.