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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

AMIBU - WICKED STEP MOTHER!!!!

39 replies

Adele2204 · 13/11/2019 15:46

AMIBU - my 17 year old Step son is pushing me to my absolute limits, he has ben kicked out of school, kicked out fo college, lost 2 jobs, makes every excuse in the book as to why he cant work. Constantly has his mates in the house all day long which I cannot control as I am at work and so is my OH, his dad. He has stolen from us, is on drugs most weekends, sold all of his consoles, games and clothes and has now sold his phone that is still on contract. He has even squared up to me before when questioned about his drug taking. Not only that but has then had drug dealers to our door as he has got them without paying. Now I am at my wits end with him and I have told my OH to send him to his mothers but I am now coming up against it with my OH as he is saying that I am trying to get rid of his kids........ AMIBU?????????

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

Thatagain · 13/11/2019 16:13

YANBU What's his background? Was he nigleted? It sounds that you are in a difficult situation I would say that your oh is also is he using drugs to block something out or just becouse his friends are. I don't think you should push him into work as he is still only 17 and I have a strong believe that children should make the most of the education on offer. Is there any outher support network for him? Like a education adviser or even grandparents ect? Try and direct him back into college they will have places for trubbled teenager's. Don't hold it against him for doing drugs as there must be a reason behind it. Try not to get frustrated with him ether as that could make him want to do it more. Ask him to book an appointment with the doctors as he may have mh issues which he doesn't want to discuss. My dss took drugs for a while when he was a teenager locked his bedroom door and got angry quite a lot. He is now an amazing young man who is drug free. I did get angry a few times me and oh had a few heated arguments and then I decided that I was just going to be there for him instead of alway's telling him he was doing wrong. I calmed down and so did dss. He got 5A levels and in a well paid job now. My strong advice would be is do not get angry or tell him he is doing wrong. It's reversing I know but it can work. Also don't fall out with your oh especially in frunt of your dss.

Aquamarine1029 · 13/11/2019 16:17

As far as I'm concerned, if your husband refuses to kick his son out the house, the relationship would be over. He expects you to live like a prisoner in your own home while his delinquent son makes your life an utter misery? I don't fucking think so.

Are you married? Who owns the home?

Original poster

Adele2204 · 13/11/2019 16:33

Hi - we have tried the issues re schooling but he just keeps saying it isn't for him and he wants to work.... then when we get him
Work he doesn't want that. All of his mates are taking drugs and their parents are having similar issues. My step son knows that his dad will always take his side and is very soft with the kids because he has brought them up for the last 10 years on his own due to the mother being on drugs......

The house is my OH and it is always said if I don't like it I know where the door is!

I'm at my wits end with it all I really am and now this afternoon he has gone out of the house and locked his brother and sister out knowing full well they cannot get in after school.

OP posts:

PlanningApplication · 13/11/2019 16:37

I think I'd be out of that door OP!

Makesmilingyourbesthobby · 13/11/2019 16:38

Have you any children together op? And if he was a child of yours what would you be doing with things as they are?

Hadalifeonce · 13/11/2019 16:41

'If you don't like it you know what you can do' is a phrase my Ex used to use a lot; it got me to the point I wouldn't disagree with him, or tell him if I wasn't happy about something.

We split up, when I met DH, he was amazed that I couldn't tell him if I wasn't happy, he taught me that it was OK to disagree, it doesn't mean you don't love the person; DH made me see that essentially I was being blackmailed to shut up.

I think perhaps you might need to reevaluate your relationship.

Original poster

Adele2204 · 13/11/2019 16:41

Hi - no we don't but his youngest daughter I've brought her up since she was 2 and my 16 year old lives with me also. If it was my child then I'm afraid I would be going down the tough loving road because as a parent you can only take so much and as a mother myself I appreciate that your kids put you through the mill but to make excuses for them just excuses their behaviour and then it gives them a green light. I would never put up with all that i have put up with from his son if it was my own child but then again I don't have this with my own yet...... if ever..... touch wood

OP posts:

negomi90 · 13/11/2019 16:52

He lives with his dad because his mum has drug issues? And has lived with dad for a decade?
His dad can't and shouldn't kick him out. He should be doing everything in his power to get him help, is he depressed? Has he seen drugs and alcohol team? What is dad doing to help?
I see why it's hard and unbearable for you, but I think your options are stay and live with him out go. It is completely ok to go (I suspect I probably would in your situation), but with what you've said about the family, he needs to stay (going to mum would harm him and put him at more risk than he is).

Makesmilingyourbesthobby · 13/11/2019 16:54

Have you considered moving out with your child and still be together as a couple, is that a easy possibility? And if that’s what you want oc, not so much because of your stepson but because of the way his father is allowing this behaviour to continue in his home, there isn’t much you can do to help your stepson if his father and mother won’t put they foot down and he won’t listen to any of your advice unfortunately

Aquamarine1029 · 13/11/2019 16:55

The house is my OH and it is always said if I don't like it I know where the door is!

He sounds positively charming. 😐

I suggest raising your standards for how you expect to be treated.

Loopytiles · 13/11/2019 16:57

I think you and your biological DC should move out.

Loopytiles · 13/11/2019 16:58

And end the relationship. For your DC and other step DC’s sake.

Hanab · 13/11/2019 17:02

OP if you have the means move out .. your OH/DH will deal with his son .. your son and SD need a place without drama ..G..D forbid one of these dealers turn nasty whilst you and the other kids are there..

Maybe if he has to deal with his son alone he can get him the help he needs and maybe he can see how much you and the other kids have to put up with..

Maybe a temporary separation will give you the break you need to assess the best way forward ..

Original poster

Adele2204 · 13/11/2019 17:04

His mum is no longer on drugs she has 2 other children that she has living with her now and has for 4 years so that is not a risk although my oh uses this often!

He's told me that I'm not moving his kids out and he will not allow it to happen. He's living in a fairytale world if he thinks it's going to change as it's only got worse over the 3 years this has been going on.

I'm constantly made out to be the bad guy when all I do is expect to be treated in a fair and respectful way.

OP posts:

Loopytiles · 13/11/2019 17:10

So your partner has been clear, and you need to look out for yourself and your DC. You can seek to maintain a relationship with your step DC.

IdiotInDisguise · 13/11/2019 22:37

I wouldn’t like my child around this one. I would give it three months and if things are still the same, leave.

Magda72 · 14/11/2019 14:08

Putting your dss & his issues aside you & your child are being psychologically bullied by your oh & physically bullied by your dss. Why on earth are you still there???? There's no way in hell I'd expose my 16 year old to a life like this because at the end of the day he is not your child & is not your child's sibling & your first duty of care is to your dc. If your oh was actually prepared to do something to intervene in his ds's addiction (because that's what it is - an addiction) then I can see why you would stay and try to tackle it as a family. However he's not, & seems fully prepared to let his ds ruin his life & expects you to stand by & watch.
Leave.

Original poster

Adele2204 · 14/11/2019 14:31

@Magda72 I completely understand what you are saying. We sat down and spoke about it yesterday evening and we have decided that I will not intervene with this problem and he will deal with it. His dealing with it is that he is to ensure that his son leaves the house in a morning and he will not be back in the house until the evening. That to me isn't dealing with it but what do I know in his words I have no emotion so that's why I'm being classed as being the way I am. What I think is that this boy has had more than enough chances and is not getting better it's in fact getting worse so if he doesn't respect the rules in the house then he will have to leave..... of course I'm being harsh..... as much as I would like to leave him what would I do at this time of year with my daughter in tow. I don't have any savings. I work full time so homelessness is not an option as would cost me 300+ in a hostel.... I feel completely stuck between a rock and a hard place..... I really do.

OP posts:

ColaFreezePop · 14/11/2019 14:38

OP by staying in the house you are not safeguarding your DC.

While there are obstacles you need to make a plan to get out asap.

What family members could put you up even if it means you are overcrowded?

Think laterally as your DC cannot stay there.

Harpingon · 14/11/2019 14:38

If you throw your dss out where will he go? You cannot send someone with drug problems to live with a former addict, that would be disasterous. You need to move out and your partner needs to get help for his son asap.

Thatagain · 14/11/2019 14:52

Only you know if there is any chance of your relationship working with your oh. It also sounds like you have took responsibility for children that did not have the best start in life. Although if I was you liveing in oh house and it all has to be by his rules I would be gone. I didn't like that I read that your oh says to you that you know where the door is after everything you have done for HIS DCS. I would put your DD first and I mean no cleaning no cooking for anyone apart from your DD
If your oh wants a war with you over your dsc then you tell him not to raise his voice or put you down in front of any child in the house and that you can see the door clearly and it really does looks tempting. Take no s### from non of them untill they give you respect. Don't just go though give it time as they have not got much trust in people. Try and see it from there point of view. Even though there views are floored YOU NEED TO GET THE RESPECT YOU DESERVE. For being there for children that are not biologically your's. When you have got that you can guide them in the right direction. If you have not got respect they will not listen to anything you have to say.
REMEMBER YOU KNOW WHERE THE DOOR IS.I say that in the nicest possible way. Don't it look good?

Branleuse · 14/11/2019 14:55

Your partner is right to not kick his child out. Thats his child. However it is completely understandable that you dont want to put up with it.

Never ask a parent to choose you over their child

Original poster

Adele2204 · 14/11/2019 14:56

I know I haven't asked him to, I appreciate that his children come first.. this is why it would be better if I left for everyone involved..

OP posts:

DriftingLeaves · 14/11/2019 14:57

Take your kids and leave. This is no life for any of you.

Thatagain · 14/11/2019 15:07

Please do not worry about being homeless. You will get somewhere as you have a DD and in an abusive situation and also there is drugs involved with the dss. If you feel it's right then you have to do it for your DD sake. It will be hard although would also be what she needs.

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