Step son causing a rift

[unicornsandtractors]

My Step Son comes to stay every other weekend for 4 nights. He’s 11 and me and his dad have been together for 7 years, married for 4. We have a 3yr old DD and a 1yr old DS.

SS loves seeing them, but he’s openly admitted he doesn’t like our DD but he adores our DS.

When he’s not here, things are great, our two are forming a lovely little bond and my DD (other than being a threenager) is a wonderful little girl. Me and DH rarely fall out, he’s great with our two children and all is well. But when SS comes to stay it’s like someone flicks a switch. We are telling our DD off all weekend, SS practically steals our DS from DD and tells her off for touching him. In fact he tells her off for everything. DH says fairly hurtful things about me and our children in front of SS (which he’s never ever say otherwise and he later denies saying - I can’t help but think it’s guilty dad syndrome, not wanting SS to think he favours anyone?).

SS resists everything we say, eating is a nightmare, attitude is a nightmare.. he actually cries when I ask him to get dressed/have a wash/clean bedroom/turn Xbox off. He disrespects all of our house rules. Everyone is on edge all weekend and it’s just not a nice environment for anyone.. him, us and my children.

I’ve posted elsewhere before and people have said ‘you knew what you were getting into..’ etc etc which is so unhelpful because I was a lot younger and so was my SS and I didn’t have my own children and you can’t imagine what it’s actually going to be like in 7 years time!

Also others have suggested that DH takes SS out on his own on our weekends .. but my children who live with their dad (SS didn’t really see his dad before we got together so this arrangement has always been the norm for him) would be distraught that it’s the weekend and daddy’s home from work but he can’t see them because he’s taking SS out?! Also SS is horrid to take anywhere as he sulks and just wants to get back to his xbox 🤷🏻‍♀️

Personally I think he should come less often but that’s me. Does anyone have any advice on how to make it more bearable?

Even if BgB loves his LS, he's allowed to want time with BbB without her involved. But as they don't really gel,it is even more obvious that he will want time with him that doesn't include her. The fact that you (and OP) see that as him "hating" her speaks of your entitlement rather than him. Your siblings are really just people - you're allowed to find them blah.

This thread is so typical of what I've seen of blended families. The father probably not that involved with his first child in the first place. Then things go wrong, and he is just over the moon that he's met someone else that he can start a new family with. Whilst he focus on himself and his dream of that perfect family, he misses out on all the opportunities to bond with the first child, who is expected to just follow and adjust to his new family.

Years later, first child becomes a teenager, with it's own challenges, and the lack of bond with his father becomes even more evident. They have little in common, father knows little about the child's life, and all the focus is the younger children. It is obvious to the child that his SM sees him as baggage that needs to be copied with eow. All the attention he gets is negative and unpleasant because telling him off is sure much easier than trying to understand his needs, develop his interests, and just rekindle a bond that is already very weak.

All I can say is that you don't have to worry because it won't much longer that your DSS will indeed say he doesn't want to come any longer. At the moment, he is still at the stage of hanging on to hope that his father will finally give him some individual, genuine, not forced attention. It won't happen and he'll give up.

He'll want nothing to do with him, and inevitably, he will act all hurt and upset, not understanding why he won't come any longer, you'll pretend to be upset when you'll actually be massively relieved, and you'll blame the child for his attitude for not wanting to come any longer, because it couldn't possibly do to the fact that he was always treated as second best to the new children.

It's sadly way too typical in a number of teenagers I have worked with who come 13, decide to give up on visits to their dads. This leaves them with very low self-esteem, feeling unworthy, some rise above it and end up doing very well with their life, being used to rejection and challenges, others are left battling all their life with their poor confidence .

It was said by a poster who apparently isn’t affected by step parenting issues whatsoever, but she spends an awful lot of time on here posting quite extreme comments like that. Weird.

Glad I'm not the only one who'd noticed this.

I think there is one thing that is very obvious and simple and should solve the most pressing issue - he needs to be taught that his attitude towards his sister is unkind and naughty for his age. He can find younger children tiresome blah blah blah but it's unkind to say he dislikes her (in front of her), it's not on to keep trying to exclude her when she and the younger boy are playing, and it is definitely not on for him to be telling her off. That needs to be nipped in the bud.

I think the issue of 1:1 time is getting confused. Of course it's natural to do some things separately due to age, but it sounds like you already do that. What would be too much, is for his dad to spend the whole time he is with him elsewhere, which I think is how you are reading the suggestion (and possibly what some people mean).

As to the general bad atmosphere, I just wanted to say that I feel you and I am in pretty much exactly the same situation. My SS rarely wants to do anything and creates a moany atmosphere about anything that is not staying in watching TV all day (and only TV he has chosen at that), even if the suggested activities are clearly fun things for his benefit, not anybody elses. Every little thing is a battle, and he would very obviously rather be at his mum's. He is not an affectionate kid and just wants to be where he is most spoilt and where his toys are. And yes, it is getting to the point where we are considering just seeing him as and when he asks because it is just miserable when he is here, for him too, and we're starting to wonder whether that's worth it for anyone involved. No point making everyone miserable for the sake of an arrangement he isn't even fussed about. I totally get how you feel.

We have kept things as they are thus far more or less out of obligation, which is more than likely what you will feel compelled to do, but I totally get how bleak it is. There's not a lot you can do about it in your position, the priority should be to sort out the other issues such as your daughter being picked on in the meantime.