Step son causing a rift

[unicornsandtractors]

My Step Son comes to stay every other weekend for 4 nights. He’s 11 and me and his dad have been together for 7 years, married for 4. We have a 3yr old DD and a 1yr old DS.

SS loves seeing them, but he’s openly admitted he doesn’t like our DD but he adores our DS.

When he’s not here, things are great, our two are forming a lovely little bond and my DD (other than being a threenager) is a wonderful little girl. Me and DH rarely fall out, he’s great with our two children and all is well. But when SS comes to stay it’s like someone flicks a switch. We are telling our DD off all weekend, SS practically steals our DS from DD and tells her off for touching him. In fact he tells her off for everything. DH says fairly hurtful things about me and our children in front of SS (which he’s never ever say otherwise and he later denies saying - I can’t help but think it’s guilty dad syndrome, not wanting SS to think he favours anyone?).

SS resists everything we say, eating is a nightmare, attitude is a nightmare.. he actually cries when I ask him to get dressed/have a wash/clean bedroom/turn Xbox off. He disrespects all of our house rules. Everyone is on edge all weekend and it’s just not a nice environment for anyone.. him, us and my children.

I’ve posted elsewhere before and people have said ‘you knew what you were getting into..’ etc etc which is so unhelpful because I was a lot younger and so was my SS and I didn’t have my own children and you can’t imagine what it’s actually going to be like in 7 years time!

Also others have suggested that DH takes SS out on his own on our weekends .. but my children who live with their dad (SS didn’t really see his dad before we got together so this arrangement has always been the norm for him) would be distraught that it’s the weekend and daddy’s home from work but he can’t see them because he’s taking SS out?! Also SS is horrid to take anywhere as he sulks and just wants to get back to his xbox 🤷🏻‍♀️

Personally I think he should come less often but that’s me. Does anyone have any advice on how to make it more bearable?

The replies here are unhealthy?
What is unhealthy is your stepson’s parents’ inability to step up and be parents.

DollyMixture22 I know, no one takes a 1 year old baby to the cinema 😂. That doesn't mean an older child should miss out

Your judgments of the mum's parenting is as bad as people's judgement of yours on mn.
You have little dc, you don't know how to parent an 11 ds, and it seems your dp doesn't either.

Your dss isn't happy with how you both are parenting and it's not working for him so maybe you should take some of what his mother does to create some calm. You can't force him to go on bike rides at 11 when he's not use to it.

It seems that both house holds are very different and he's struggling and the easiest way to be is naughty especially when your dp does nothing about it.

He's obviously jealous of your dd, and instead of stopping that it's been allowed to grow. You need to work with dp to help dss otherwise your going to push dss away and could you imagine in 7 years this happening to your dc.

@unicornsandtractors you state in your opening post that when you step son isn't there life is great and blame him for creating a rift. Conclusions drawn are done so from the evidence you provided.

None of your subsequent posts are painting you in any better light.

I have been a step parent for years, their dad and I split last year, I still see them, we do stuff as a family. I take my step daughter to concerts cos no one else wants to have to do it (I love live music). My stepson still takes the piss out of the fact he is taller than me by Miles, walks into my house and raids the kitchen within seconds... They treat my house and their dad's house as home which is how it should be. My step kids are still my stap kids even though their dad and I have split. I bloody love them.

We never made any distinction between our joint dd and them, all have always been treated the same. Dsd was 8 and dss was 10 when dd was born so huge age gaps. They find dd irritating as fuck at times (as do I when she is on one) but they adore her because they were included from day 1. They were the first people after our parents we told that I was pregnant, they were involved in picking names, clothes, nursery stuff, pushchairs were bought based on whether Dsd could see over them to help push. They were on holiday when she was born but their dad facetimed them less than an hour after she was born to tell them and show them their new sister, would have been sooner but she had complications. They have changed hlnapoies, fed her, helped make up bottles and among the very many reasons I refused to breast feed was so that they could be involved and build a very early bond with her.

Dd has Never stopped them having 121 time with either of us, she was taught from crawling that dss and Dsd toys were out of bounds, her and Dsd share a bedroom spare very close and dss worships his little sister.

Their dad and I treated the whole situation as we would had they been our own kids.

You need to grow up and stop thinking your kids are his only kids and have to be included in everything.

The only reason a 3 year old has any sort of response like you describe is if you as her mum are encouraging it... I think your posts make it fairly easy to draw the conclusion that you are a precious princess who sees step son as an inconvenience and would rather he wasn't around. Reducing contact with you is a very good idea but not with his dad or his home with his dad.

The usual pile on. Step mothers are hated by a few who lie in wait to pounce.

Spite and venom. Awful people.

Ignore the vipers OP. Normal people know where you are coming from

@driftingleaves nine if it is an attack of step mothers... More a woman who clearly dislikes a child and is blaming a CHILD for a family rift. I am a step mum and I think her behaviour is disgusting.

I don't understand how a step mother saying her DH shouldn't spend one to one time with his DS without two toddlers in tow and people pointing that out to be a bad attitude is a pile on 🤨

This isn't a step mother pile on. It's yet another post where the stepchild's parents and not the stepchild is at fault.

You really are back tracking OP. To be honest children of that age are hard work and that is a big age gap. I have a similar one and it’s just life at the minute that my husband takes the big ones to their sports etc and I stay with the baby. At the weekend , it’s a priority to do fun things both individually and as a family otherwise your 11yo would be very bored.

You do speak about him in a really negative way, he isn’t causing a rift, he’s changing the dynamic yes but you guys need to manage it without blaming him . I am concerned that you see him as an inconvenience and reiterate another poster who suggested family counselling. Also your comments on how his mother parents are irrelevant. Stop creating barriers and assigning blame it’s not helping you grow as a family.

He’s a pre- teen everything is met with resistance it’s normal.

I also think DD needs to start to understand that she sees her baby brother all week therefore it is understandable that her other brother wants time with him without her. Especially if he doesn't really gel with her. She sounds like she's going to be just like her mother.

Actually OP my DD has been going to the cinema since she was 4 months old in a group of children that includes her half-sibling.

In regards to your SS if the Xbox is an issue then lock it away the evening before he comes then get it out the morning after he has left and simply say to him it is broken. He then has the choice of joining in or not doing anything when he's with you. Do not be surprised if he chooses the latter.

Also you should have absolutely no contact with your SS's mother. Any issues then your DH needs to speak to her.

I stay home with my child while he takes his kids out. It has not helped, it has made us more distant to his children, we are practically strangers.

It has not been good for his kids either, as 12 year old over rides any plans they may have. So to hell with his younger sister (not my child either)if she wants to do something. They all have to stay in so 12 year old can play in the Xbox all day, and... treat his dad as if he was an idiot for not entraining him well enough (they stay in because the teen doesn’t want to go out, and then teen berates dad (and mum) about how boring and “idiotic” they are.

You have my sympathy OP, I absolutely dread having his boy around, it just puts a downer on ALL of us for the whole time. Holidays are crap, outings are crap, we all have to pander to such shit I didn’t pander to with my son when he was 3 let alone at 12 years of age.

Just acknowledge that you need to split the dad between two families, let him take his kid out of your hair and do something nice on your own with your kids that may be more within their age range, or let them have a man’s day out so you can concentrate on your DD and remove her from the nastiness.

Sounds difficult. What does he like doing? Maybe lay off the activities, even just going out for lunch with his dad and looking round a Game shop would be more up his street. As other posters have said a couple of hours for the two of them alone isn't effecting the other children.

It's yet another post where the stepchild's parents and not the stepchild is at fault.

You did read about his attitude to his little sister? And that's fine with you. Nice.

The usual pile on. Step mothers are hated by a few who lie in wait to pounce

Totally agree. Most have also overlooked the SS’s attitude to the DD who is only 3 - he has admitted he does not like her ... that’s aside from the really cuntish post suggesting that step aside for the mighty SS and that a little girl who is hated by her big brother might ‘turn out like her Mother’. Wow. That one takes the venom to totally new levels.

I also think DD needs to start to understand that she sees her baby brother all week therefore it is understandable that her other brother wants time with him without her.

That’s some big expectations to put on to a 3 year old. There isn’t much of an age gap between the baby and the 3 year old. I can’t understand what she’s done so wrong that her older brother hates her so much. Maybe the feeling will be mutual in a few years? It will be well deserved.

Especially if he doesn't really gel with her.

Again, she’s 3. They’re not exactly going to be in to the same stuff are they? But they can still gel in a bother/sister relationship. My 8 year old adores his little sister who is 1. Doesn’t mean she enjoys playing fortnite with him

She sounds like she's going to be just like her mother.

The op sounds quite nice actually. Caring towards her children. So let’s hope she does turn out like her mum.

Also, if I knew my older child hated my 3 year old to such a horrible extent, I would want to fucking do something about it. Not alienate them both from each other even more by saying “Oh, son don’t worry you only need to spend time with the siblings you actually like”

That would be disgraceful parenting to actually keep them away from each other.

Wow. That one takes the venom to totally new levels.

It was said by a poster who apparently isn’t affected by step parenting issues whatsoever, but she spends an awful lot of time on here posting quite extreme comments like that. Weird.

That’s some big expectations to put on to a 3 year old. hmm There isn’t much of an age gap between the baby and the 3 year old. I can’t understand what she’s done so wrong that her older brother hates her so much. Maybe the feeling will be mutual in a few years? It will be well deserved.

There can be lots of reasons he feels closer to the baby. I have a 4 year old, a 3 year old and a 1 year old. The older 2 boys could be very possessive of their younger sister when she was a baby and they were around 2. It took reminders and distraction for them to get that other family members need space with her too. Blended families deal with the same shit we do, they just make a much bigger deal about it because it is really concealing deeper seated feelings about their situation..

ChilledBee, the op’s stepson hates his little sister. Even if she is annoying to him (normal sibling rivalry stuff), that level of hatred is not normal and is really nasty. I’m not sure pandering to this hatred is going to improve things. It will only deepen it.

I have a 1, 4, 6 and an 8 year old. I know what kids can be like when they say they don’t like their sibling. But they’re friends again in no time. The way the op’s stepson is feeling not normal. If it carries on his sister will grow up to resent and hate him back, and the younger brother will be stuck in the middle of them both. That’s if the adults keep pandering to him. Doesn’t that sound lovely? Nope!

I had 4 DSC to deal with. You have to be firm and stick together as a couple and support each other and he will soon back down

My DP has only ever seen his other kids since meeting me...

My DSS was 13 and 11 and I was 17 when I first met him (dad a lot older) we got on great. We didn't have kids at the time but He knew it was my house and he respected that and we got on great and he helped loads and he had rules ie internet off at 9 an out tele on so not gaming all night an got a good sleep. They got up washed dressed and ate before they gamed the next day. They asked could they move in with me the following month and it's been 6 /7 years now an iv still got their smelly ass here lol but I love them dearly

DSD has been abit of a nightmare though.
She was 5 when she first met her dad - mum tried block him out. He won an got access eventually blah blah But at first it just used to me them two an her mum until she felt okay. Then she started to come our house and that was twice a week, 6 years later - we have 3 young children along with the oldest 2 boys- she now says she wants 1-1 time with her dad. We told her no to this as it's impossible to let her have this 1-1 time 2 times a week when she stays over as their are a lot of other kids in the house and it doesn't work. If I take the young ones out I say do you want to do something with you dad or come out with me. She always chooses me so she did that just to cause arguments- this annoys me so I make sure we always tell her mum that the offer was made an she refused!

Moral to the matter is, regarding the other children DP has always respected my wishes when it comes to them as he knows it's me who cares for them mostly when their here as they cling to me. He supports me and we just seem to balance it all. He does have alone time with them if he can like once in a while they go for lads breakfasts and days out and with DSD he will take her ice skating and things just them but like I said it's not every time like with the youngest we will go visit a farm sometimes an the older ones don't always want to come. They all get treated exactly the same because that's what they are. I don't single any out because their not mine. Even to the point of Xmas eve pjs and box's- Oldest is 18 but it's our tradition regardless of age haha! Xmas / birthdays they all get the same amount etc
But it may be nice if dad took him out once in a while to do some boy stuff and try engage with him. Like quad biking or laser quest or even to a place he wants to eat at. Just to have that alone time an get him off his game abit. Ours love the quads and things and they always want to get off the games for that!

Hope you can sort it just sit DH down and try find the balance and mutual ground and what you both agree on in regards to DSS. Maybe stay 2 nights every other weekend and one night for tea in between. Then once a month DH can take him out. Maybe cinimw after school or for tea. Just some dad and lad time as he could be jealous as it's always """daddy's girls""" and you don't know what his mum is saying. Awful to say but DsD mum was awful to deal with at first an used to say things like this an she would tell us. So yes she could be saying oh is she daddy's girl. Does he like her more then he's getting annoyed you never know

It'll be okay!!! X

@funinthesun19

Actually I can only find the OP saying that he admits he "doesn't like her" which isn't hate and that her DD feels "pushed out" if her dad does things with her older brother without her. I cant find anything where it says he hates her and I can understand why her possesiveness over both her dad and brother (encouraged by their mother) would be off-putting in terms of forming an positive bond with her.

Maybe you could quote where this "hate" is or admit that you exaggerated for effect.

You have a few issues that might help to parcel out.

1. An 11 year old and a 3 year old is an awkward age difference. You would be facing something issues even if they were full siblings who lived together every day. Many parents deal with it by making sure the older child has a space they can retreat to that is little kid free and also make sure you are not expecting the older child to parent the younger.

1. Stepson only gets to see his dad a few days a month. There is probably resentment towards the kids who get his dad full-time. The solution is not to limit visits, it’s to increase them.

1. You say he thinks of it like home. He should. If there is ever a moment he feels like a guest, you need to re-evaluate and adjust. Chores are tricky because he isn’t there much so really shouldn’t be having to tackle bigger jobs. Focus on cleaning up after himself and chores that are part of daily life, like emptying the dishwasher, as opposed to bigger projects like cleaning out the garage.

1. Since he spends so little time with his dad, getting some solo interaction is essential. Not every outing or activity needs to be 1-1, but there should be a mix. The other kids just need to learn that they get dad 24/7 and smaller ratios all the time.

No, I was responding your post earlier which probably made me use that word. Because the way you were going on really made it sound like he hates his little sister. If he never wants to be around her then I’d say “don’t like” is pretty much the same as hate. Let’s face it, he doesn’t anything to do with her does he?

*doesn’t want anything