Step son causing a rift

[unicornsandtractors]

My Step Son comes to stay every other weekend for 4 nights. He’s 11 and me and his dad have been together for 7 years, married for 4. We have a 3yr old DD and a 1yr old DS.

SS loves seeing them, but he’s openly admitted he doesn’t like our DD but he adores our DS.

When he’s not here, things are great, our two are forming a lovely little bond and my DD (other than being a threenager) is a wonderful little girl. Me and DH rarely fall out, he’s great with our two children and all is well. But when SS comes to stay it’s like someone flicks a switch. We are telling our DD off all weekend, SS practically steals our DS from DD and tells her off for touching him. In fact he tells her off for everything. DH says fairly hurtful things about me and our children in front of SS (which he’s never ever say otherwise and he later denies saying - I can’t help but think it’s guilty dad syndrome, not wanting SS to think he favours anyone?).

SS resists everything we say, eating is a nightmare, attitude is a nightmare.. he actually cries when I ask him to get dressed/have a wash/clean bedroom/turn Xbox off. He disrespects all of our house rules. Everyone is on edge all weekend and it’s just not a nice environment for anyone.. him, us and my children.

I’ve posted elsewhere before and people have said ‘you knew what you were getting into..’ etc etc which is so unhelpful because I was a lot younger and so was my SS and I didn’t have my own children and you can’t imagine what it’s actually going to be like in 7 years time!

Also others have suggested that DH takes SS out on his own on our weekends .. but my children who live with their dad (SS didn’t really see his dad before we got together so this arrangement has always been the norm for him) would be distraught that it’s the weekend and daddy’s home from work but he can’t see them because he’s taking SS out?! Also SS is horrid to take anywhere as he sulks and just wants to get back to his xbox 🤷🏻‍♀️

Personally I think he should come less often but that’s me. Does anyone have any advice on how to make it more bearable?

Does anyone remember that mum yesterday who was called unfair and cruel for wanting to spend time with just her children? Slightly different scenario but the point is those children need that time with their mum just as much as this boy needs time with his dad.

I don’t disagree that this boy needs some time on his own with his dad, but there is no denying that there are some right double standards on this board.

If your DH was firmer with his DS, the problem would probably be resolved. Unfortunately it has to be him that steps up with the boundaries, and he sounds pretty 'disney', which is why his 11 year old cries when he's asked to get dressed because he has learn to to manipulate his dad.

MESSAGE FROM OP

Can you put down the pitchforks please. And read this before posting any more replies

I think its REALLY unfair for all those who have commented with an opinion on my feelings towards my SS. I've put the facts across and asked on an opinion of A WAY FORWARD. To name just one thing... I've gone out of my way to make friends with mums that have older children and then have introduced my SS to those children so as he has friends here. I try SO HARD to treat him as my own because thats what step parents are made to feel like they should do ... but in doing that i think its made it worse.

We have BOTH been doing activities on our own with him. Me on my own with him and DH on his own with him. Its all thrown back in our faces.

MY DH is a wonderful man, he tries SO VERY hard with SS. And he's great with our two, perhaps he's learnt from things that went wrong with my SS and is determined not to let his relationship with them get to where it has with him. He does discipline SS, but finds it hard because in the past has spent all weekend on his case, telling him off for SS to go home and moan about how horrible it is here. Again, cant win.

@Silentlysinking101 I think that your comment judging that I have contempt and dislike for the boy is a massive presumption. I love him, but I dislike his behaviour.

@MilkTwoSugarsThanks dont you DARE make a judgment on our 'inability to parent'. Are you actually serious?

Its in being good parents to him taking screens away and taking him to swimming lessons and football practice that I believe has made him unwilling to do things with us and have the issue. Cant swim won't swim, can't play football won't play football. He's happy at his mums because she leaves him in front of his screen ALL DAY !! DH gets him out in the garden to help with jobs and its lasts all of 2 mins then goes home moaning that he's been forced to work. Sorry what?!

Me and DH love my SS very much, and like I said in my original post it’s just not a nice environment for anyone.. him, us and my children

I will take your advice on board that DH should try another activity with him on his own when he comes, and another poster gave the the idea of perhaps having him less time but more often. So 2 nights every week rather than 4 every other.

And thank you @YetAnotherSpartacus yes I think my DD is having a tough time when SS comes. She LOVES her big brother (and yes probably annoys him given the age gap) but then she's pushed out. I am a mother and I am HUMAN so yes this upsets me.

DH finds it hard? That’s called being a parent.
If his child behaves badly then he needs to deal with it. So what if the child goes back to his mother moaning?

And thank you @YetAnotherSpartacus yes I think my DD is having a tough time when SS comes. She LOVES her big brother (and yes probably annoys him given the age gap) but then she's pushed out. I am a mother and I am HUMAN so yes this upsets me

The first thing that I picked up on OP was your DD must feel awful. She's three - and he's eleven. That's a huge gap and even if she does annoy him he needs to see (and be helped by your DH to see) that he needs to tolerate her and humour her and that expressing outright dislike is wrong. I'm sure that if he was her BB (and not SBB) then he would be helped to do do. I don't have any suggestions re the way forward, but I do think that this needs to prioritise the effect this is having on your DD. As for the poster that suggested she may be winding up DSS - I'd buy that if the DSS was younger - but not wit the current age gap.

@Wolfiefan when he goes back to his mum moaning both me and DH get no end of abuse from her about it. She lets him sit on his xbox all day long so the fact that we get him involved is alien to her and she thinks we're being mean. Honestly, if he goes back moaning its a total disaster because we don't hear the end of it for weeks.

You don’t need to speak to her. DH can deal with it.
Poor kid has a shit mother and a father who’s playing Disney dad on the few days he sees him. And you wonder why he’s acting up?

As I said op typical behaviour from a child his age in regards to his sibling my 11 year old is moody and argues with his sister but she also winds him up. You need to let you're DH deal with his behaviour and allow them to spend time together even if its playing the xbox

OP, 10 year old boys are often difficult . Throwing a strop at being told to come off the xbox, get washed, etc, it's all fairly standard. In your DSS case, the behaviour is amplified as he's looking for attention and playing off you/ DH/ his Mum.

It's hard for you as your children are younger. When yours are 10 and 13, you'll understand this a bit better. At the moment his behaviour seems appalling, when you're living through this stage, it becomes the norm.

I appreciate it's difficult, but I think all you can do is remember he is a child and you're an adult. It's not easy for him having his time split between two homes and having a step Mum and step siblings. Your DH needs to preserve with spending time alone with him every weekend he's there. Make it a regular fixture, same day and time, so he's got that routine to look forward to. It's so important your DH builds a strong bond with him before he reaches his teens, don't give up on him or you really will have problems in the future.

When your own DS and DD are 11, I hope you look back and reflect on your attitude toward DSS and his need for 1:1 time with his Dad.
He is still just a little boy, I guarantee when your bio children are older ds will do things with dad and DD with you, separately.
The poor lad is probably bored out of his mind. I hate to be so blunt, but you need to stop being immature, if it was your ds visiting his dad and new wife what would you want to happpen? Your children are too young to be bothered that their dad is out without them, for an HOUR!!!!!! Maybe you need to turn that attitude on its head and see it as an opportunity for you to have a break from DSS and DH and bond with your children too.
And quite frankly, your DH sounds like a not so brilliant Dad to his son, if he can't make time for 1:1 bonding, as is NORMAL with a pre-teen child.
Wow. Wonders never cease

And also OP, it is NORMAL for an 11 year old to be grumpy and want to play on his Xbox...

Oh how this will come right back to you when your children are teens/pre-teens! You have no idea...

I think parents need alone time with all their children.. just as much as they need time as a family. DP and I are expecting a baby together but we have plans in place to ensure his first son gets plenty of one on one time as we don’t think it’s fair that will be taken away from him when the new baby comes.

I think having your SS for a short time once a fortnight Is playing against you, his used to his mums routine and it would be hard for him to flip into your household. In our case we have DP son regularly, both midweek and weekends so he really feels like this house is his just because as much as his mums.

DH says fairly hurtful things about me and our children in front of SS (which he’s never ever say otherwise and he later denies saying - I can’t help but think it’s guilty dad syndrome, not wanting SS to think he favours anyone?).

What sort of things is he saying? The biggest concern for me is that he’s denying saying it. That’s called gaslighting and is an incredibly destructive was to behave. It shows complete contempt for you and that he doesn’t care about your feelings only about convincing you that he’s right & you imagined it. 4 days in a fortnight of this is still 4 days too many.

The part about your DD getting told off when DSS is there. What kind of things is she getting told off for?

I have to be honest I would not live with someone who tried to convince me I was imagining things. It’s an awful thing to do. It sounds like you do want to live with him so in that case I’d record him saying the things so he can’t deny them.

Also your DSS shouldn’t be telling your daughter off. Every time he did it I’d say. No DSS it’s not your place to tell DD off. Leave her alone. Then I’d move DD away from him and do something fun with he. If he cries then it’s tough luck.

If he steals DS away when he’s been playing with DD I’d say. No DSS DS was playing with DD you can either play nicely with both of them or wait until they’ve finished. Again, he might cry but that wouldn’t stop me sticking up for my DD. I’d also take my kids out for fun days/activities and leave DH to deal with DSS or the other way around.

I know you don’t think that’s fair, but they’ll have their Dad on the other weekend and then won’t have to be upset by DSS on the other one.

I think having him every week would be worse! At least you guys get a nice long break this way.

Okay I think your are being overly precious about your husband spending time alone with step son.

This happens in most families when there is an age gap between children.

There is five years age difference between my niece and nephew. My BIL often does things with them separately - my nephew would miss out on so much of he could only do activities his little sister is old enough for. For example go karting, laser quest, canoeing, mountain biking etc etc.

My niece also gets loads of age appropriate activities with him.

They do loads of stuff as a family, but their ages also demand they do stuff separately- perfectly normal.

I think you are too focused on your little ones, without really thinking through your ss’s needs. Do your really believe an 11 Year old should only do stuff with his dad that his three year old sister can also do? How does that even work?

Also block DSS’s mum from whatever means she is using to contact you to moan. It’s simply not your problem!

I like HeckyPeck's advice.

How hard do you think it is for DSS coming to visit? Your children are an age when his dad wasn't even part of his life. Try and think about how that makes dss feel.

No matter how fantastic you think he is, he isn't the amazing dad you are trying to tell us he is. How do you think he would behave to your two if you separated and he moved on? He would probably be incredible to the next lot of children and a Disney dad to yours.

Your husbands eldest child is behaving the way his dad allows which is reinforced by the gaslighting during visits.

It's not your dss causing the problems it's your husband.

Message from OP

I think the last few comments have missed my point, I'm not at all precious about my DH spending time with his Son. He has been doing it and SS has said he doesn't want to do it. Its just doesn't work all round. We all do things seperately from time to time. You cant force a child to do things they dont want to do.

I wish I hadn't posted on here, because most of the people replying have taken what I have said the wrong way and are very angry. I will no longer be reading any replies as this is unhealthy.

Why can't your DH spend some time playing Xbox with his DS? That's what he enjoys, so why can't DH share that with him? What about going to the cinema, or code club or bowling?

He doesn't want to do the same things as a 3 year old. And he's way too old to just be shoved in the direction of other children of the same age and expected to 'make friends' off the bat.

I still can't quite get over the callousness of your first post in which you suggest that, as his dad was absent for some of his life, he's better able to cope with separation from a parent than your own children. He seems stuck between a parent who doesn't do a lot with him and another who expects him to conform to an unrealistic set of behaviours every other weekend. The poor kid deserves a lot better than he is getting.

dont you DARE make a judgment on our 'inability to parent'. Are you actually serious?

Yes I am serious. You seriously think an 11 year old is to blame for any rift? Rather than your inability to deal with any problems effectively?

Don't blame the child.

Moving forward? Family counselling/therapy. Get your stepson's thoughts on how things are. Work with your stepson. Your whole OP was fighting against him.

Your husbands eldest child is behaving the way his dad allows

His mum has a lot to answer for too. She lets him play on the Xbox all day and therefore he expects to do the same at dad’s. When he doesn’t get his own way he has a sulk and she kicks off.

I have an almost 9 year old boy who loves the PlayStation. I can guarantee that if I let him stay on it all day he would not be a pleasant child by the end of the day. Nobody would be!

Op you are getting abuse because of what you have said.

Your husband wasn’t really involved in his sons life.

Your husband says hurtful things about you and your children.

Your younger children would be distraught if their dad spent time alone with his oldest child.

This is all very emotionally charged. It seems your husband has dropped the ball with his eldest child in the early years. Not a wonderful man. And is now trying to make up for it, but son is hurt and angry. You are hurt and angry that husband isn’t putting your children first and are projecting feelings onto your very young children.

I suggest you try some couples counselling. You are very angry and defensive here, and while some responses have been sharp, you seem to be unable to see that this little boy is a child who deserves as much of his dads attention as your little ones.

I hope this all gets resolved and you can find a way for a more harmonious family life.

OP, if all 3 kids were yours and DH's, your DH or you would be taking the 11 year old to do things without the younger two without a shadow of a doubt. How else would he be able to do things for his age range like go to theme parks, cinema etc? Do you really think a 1 and 3 year old should be taken along to the cinema? I doubt it. Since he is your DH's son, your DH should take him out to do an activity together for at least a day out of the 4 days. He must be bored stiff! When your kids are older and your DD is 11 and your DS is 9, are you going to insist that DS tags along so you and your daughter can go and see a chick flick for example? Highly unlikely. Parents should give their children one to one time. Your DH has all week and every other weekend to give your kids together one to one time

Totally agree with Jennifer.

I am sure anyone on here who has an 11 year old and a three year old does spendings separately with them.

Otherwise there would be a lot of bored 11 year olds at soft play centres and a lot of screaming three year olds sitting through marvel movies😂

You're back tracking OP. You did originally say that your DH shouldn't be doing things alone with his son as it wasn't fair not to include the younger two, infact you actually said the younger two should always have the option to join and would be upset that their dad was taking the older one out. No where did you say there's a lot of one to one in your OP. You said it was unfair to your children if your DH spent time alone with his son which you know isn't the case and probably the biggest issue here. Age gap children need to be taken to do appropriate activities with their parents and that is often without their siblings