Step son causing a rift

[unicornsandtractors]

My Step Son comes to stay every other weekend for 4 nights. He’s 11 and me and his dad have been together for 7 years, married for 4. We have a 3yr old DD and a 1yr old DS.

SS loves seeing them, but he’s openly admitted he doesn’t like our DD but he adores our DS.

When he’s not here, things are great, our two are forming a lovely little bond and my DD (other than being a threenager) is a wonderful little girl. Me and DH rarely fall out, he’s great with our two children and all is well. But when SS comes to stay it’s like someone flicks a switch. We are telling our DD off all weekend, SS practically steals our DS from DD and tells her off for touching him. In fact he tells her off for everything. DH says fairly hurtful things about me and our children in front of SS (which he’s never ever say otherwise and he later denies saying - I can’t help but think it’s guilty dad syndrome, not wanting SS to think he favours anyone?).

SS resists everything we say, eating is a nightmare, attitude is a nightmare.. he actually cries when I ask him to get dressed/have a wash/clean bedroom/turn Xbox off. He disrespects all of our house rules. Everyone is on edge all weekend and it’s just not a nice environment for anyone.. him, us and my children.

I’ve posted elsewhere before and people have said ‘you knew what you were getting into..’ etc etc which is so unhelpful because I was a lot younger and so was my SS and I didn’t have my own children and you can’t imagine what it’s actually going to be like in 7 years time!

Also others have suggested that DH takes SS out on his own on our weekends .. but my children who live with their dad (SS didn’t really see his dad before we got together so this arrangement has always been the norm for him) would be distraught that it’s the weekend and daddy’s home from work but he can’t see them because he’s taking SS out?! Also SS is horrid to take anywhere as he sulks and just wants to get back to his xbox 🤷🏻‍♀️

Personally I think he should come less often but that’s me. Does anyone have any advice on how to make it more bearable?

Come less often than every other weekend? When you acknowledge that your own children would be upset to not see their dad EVERY weekend (in addition to every day).

@smoresmores he comes every other weekend because that’s as much as he wants to come.. the conversation has always been open for him to come more often but he doesn’t want to.. he wants to stay with his mum.
When he stays longer when his mum goes on holiday he then doesn’t come for a couple of weeks because he’s been here for too long. By coming less I mean for one less night so 3 rather than 4.

Get your husband to take him out on his own. Your three year old will get over it very quickly. And it is pretty normal in families to do this- you don’t have to do everything together all the time.

it’s not the fault of the child. DH should be managing his behaviour and also not being rude to you.

Personally I’d leave a husband who thought it was acceptable to be rude and mean to me and my children for 8 days a month and was clearly a lazy incompetent parent to his older child. My DSS is 10 and can be a pain but he’s mostly kind and respectful and while he’d love to spend every weekend in his pants staring at a screen it’s not happening and if he cried when asked to do basic things I’d be very concerned about where we’d gone wrong.

Your SS coming less isn’t the answer because it’ll make your house even more somewhere he visits than lives and any hope of him pitching in properly and not expecting to have everything his own way will disappear.

Why did your husband not see him before you got together?

As to knowing what you were getting into, I was thinking that the other day when I read a long thread about people who wish they hadn’t had children because it ended up being much harder than they’d expected. There may have been the odd post saying people know how difficult being a parent is but the overwhelming majority said that nothing anyone says can prepare you and there was boundless sympathy and support for mums who were shell shocked by the realities. No one EVER says parents should stop moaning because they knew what they were getting into. That’s only ever levelled at step parents and its shitty and pointless and nasty. It’s especially favoured by people who have never been step parents and don’t have a fucking clue. So don’t give that head space.

I don’t have any advice but you don’t have to put up with your husband turning into arsehole to you and your children every other weekend and it’s very bad for your children if you do. It wouldn’t be fair on your children for your DH to be absent with his son for every visit but it’s worse to have them in your home creating an unpleasant atmosphere so have a completely open cards on the table discussion and tell him he knocks his horrible attitude on the head immediately, stops bullying your DD when your SS is there and if he doesn’t then he’s not welcome in your home for contact visits and can book a hotel. If he makes a fuss about that then reconsider the relationship. Your children have to be your priority and you’re letting them down if you let him pick on them like he is.

I agree DH needs to spend some time alone with him. It sounds to me as if he's crying out for attention. It must be pretty boring for a 10 year old to hang out with a three and one year old all weekend. What does he like to do? Perhaps DH could take him out to do some kind of sporting activity together?

If all three were your own children and lived with you full time, they would have different activities, most families don't spend the whole weekend together (in fact, most families I know spend the weekend ferrying their DC to various activities and parties!) In a couple of years, the three year old will have party invites, clubs, etc, I'm pretty sure you won't be wanting to take your DSS along with you as well!

You see him as an inconvenience to your family set up. I would imagine he picks up on that when he visits.

His father needs to be a better parent and teach his son to behave instead of allowing his bad behaviour.

You say you end up telling DD off all weekend why? What is she doing?

He is 11 and probably finds his 3 yo sister annoying/boring which is not unusual but I would try to encourage a short activity they can do together at least once when he visits.
I used to give my DS a bit of responsibility for his sister so for example he taught her how to make tortilla pizzas. DD enjoyed it as all she ever wanted was her brothers attention and DS felt like a good big brother as he taught her something.

Wow your attitude towards your step son oozes with contempt and dislike. No wonder the poor boy doesn't want to spend time in your house.

Your dh is clearly torn but I think you need to take a huge step back. He is the father of all 3 kids, yours need to learn that they don't have the monopoly on him. And I say that as a former step parent with a child to their dad.

Step parenting is not easy as family number 2 have to make sacrifices, but quite frankly there will always be times where one person's needs trump everyone else's regardless of a step situation so the kids will have to deal with it. Your dd is 3, she will adjust quickly to what is normal.

Get a grip because if you want your marriage to last you need to make some changes to your behaviour from your post.

Your stepson is NOT causing a rift. He is a child. Don't you DARE blame a child for your and your husband's failings.

It is your inability to parent him that is causing the rift.

FFS this bollocks really pisses me off.

Your dh needs to do something with your ss on his own as well as you all going out and doing something as a family.

A three year old is probably annoying for an 11 year old. My ds is 13 and has a 4 year old cousin. He finds her sweet but incredibly irritating with normal 4 year year old demands.

I'm afraid I agree with others that it might help if your DH spent more one-on-one time with his eldest DS. Give him some attention. Let him have space to chat about his issues - puberty, school, fallout from the divorce etc.

Your youngest get plenty of time with their DF. They should learn not to begrudge the same for their brother.

It sounds hard for you. But please try to re-frame it in your mind that it's your DSS that is causing problems. You have a blended family that will always require compromise in order for all members to be happy.

Oh I think what I said about my DH has been blown out of proportion, he’s not nasty to me Or an arsehole to me or our children he just makes clumsy comments that are hurtful.

Also he’s not a lazy parent, I didn’t realise I gave that impression - he’s actually a brilliant dad. And in being a great dad my SS is resistant to him because he takes the screens away and tries to get him involved. Can’t win!!

What you’re saying about being here less makes total sense.. so perhaps coming for less time but more often do you think? So 1 or 2 nights every week rather than every other? Because he sort of lives here at the mo he’s comfortable enough to help himself to food and steal my phone chargers but he makes himself a guest so he won’t do any chores or help at all. Well ..until DH has to tell him off.

I LOVE what you’re saying about knowing what you’re getting into and 100% agree.

And no, I don’t believe it’s fair for my DH to be taking SS out on trips without at least ours having the option to join. Because he’s an ‘absent parent’ from my SS’s life but should that mean he’s taken away from his other children to make up for that??

He has tried taking him out before but he’s not into ANYTHING .. can’t swim won’t swim. Can’t ride a bike won’t ride a bike. Can’t play football won’t play football... and he’ll get him in the garden helping with jobs but it lasts 2 minutes before he’s sulking and just won’t do it! And yes he’s Only here every other weekend and DH doesn’t want those days to be unhappy with DH moaning at him.

Sorry that comment above was in reply to AnnelovesGilbert

DH needs not to be hurtful.
DH doesn’t want to be moaning at him? He needs to deal with his child’s behaviour. The answer isn’t the child seeing his father less. It’s about the father actually being a parent.

RIght Howe much one on one dad time do your children get
How much one to one time does your sis get

Now look at that and apply fairness.

He had three years or no dad and then 4/5 years of being an only child with his Dad. Then his sister comes along and no one has handled it well. One to one time when a new sibling is born is vital in any family (and I bet you do it for your two). His relationship with his dad has fractured and needs repair

Maybe get some family therapy?
To be honest it seems there are lots of bad dynamics going on, and for everyone's sake you need to work on them. You do need to be clear with your SS that your DD is just as much his sibling as your DS. But you also need your DH to not be making things worse.

Ideally it would be good if your DD and him could do things together that they can bond over.
I would also be worried incase he is learning "girls aren't as good" from somewhere.

Because he’s an ‘absent parent’ from my SS’s life but should that mean he’s taken away from his other children to make up for that??

He is not been taken away from the other children.
DH doing 1 activity every other week with his son is not a negative. He lives with his other 2 DC so sees them and spends time with them everyday.
The age gap means that sometimes the same activity will not be fun/appropriate for all of the DC.

I have 2 DSS and 4 DC with a decent age gap between them all. Their father did and still does enjoy separate activities with all the DC as well as family stuff. None of the children feel they are missing out or begrudge the time he spends with them individually.

I’ve posted elsewhere before and people have said ‘you knew what you were getting into..’ etc etc which is so unhelpful

Unhelpful is an understatement. How were you supposed to know what the future holds?

Your stepson is old enough to realise his behaviour is not acceptable and that his attitude is mean towards his sister.
Your DH needs to nip it all in the bud. Guilty dad syndrome is not an excuse to let his son be a brat.

I have an 11 year I know they can be nightmares that age I also have a 6 year dd that likes to wind her eldest brother up. Don't think for a second you're dd is perfect. What you describe is typical sibling behaviour you're just less tolerant because the eldest child is biologically yours that's the crux of it. Shameful behaviour suggesting he comes less when he only comes every other week

Sorry but you are being unfair about your husbands time with ALL his children. Your joint children see him all the time, breakfast, tea during the week, he can put them to bed, they get at least two weekends a month on their own with him. His older son gets NO time on his own with his father, that’s not fair.

It’s a simple job of explaining to your joint children that daddy is spending some time with xx today, just like he did with you last weekend children have to learn to share, and this is just such a time

I bet your ss is also picking up vibes from you, after all how dare he spoil the little family unit you have? How dare he ask for time with his father? Why don’t you sit down with him and ask him how HE feels about things instead of just talking about how you feel, how you are affected? He’s a child. Perhaps between you you come up with ground rules and chores to do

You chose to marry someone with a child, now you have children of your own you can’t have different rules for them all on who sees thier father when.

It's your DH that needs to sort his behaviour out, not your SS.. monkey see, monkey do, your SS sees his Dad being disrespectful, so he does the same.

Op, if he goes out with his son, could you do something special with just your children without him and his child both being around? Seize the opportunity

SS loves seeing them, but he’s openly admitted he doesn’t like our DD but he adores our DS - and as well he exhibits negative attitudes towards the DD. Poor DD. She is the victim here.

SS needs to be disciplined to be nice to DD.

I agree that your dh needs to spend more 1:1 time with ss.
He should ask ss what he would one to do in advance.
I don't think spending a few hours alone with him would do any harm.
Take him to the cinema, on a walk, collect conkers.
If ss was your son then he would be doing different things from the other 2.
I can t tell you now if dh doesn't start spending some quality time alone with ss he will grow to resent all of you and I wouldn't blame him.
Don't be one of those step mothers.

I disagree the younger ones have to be included on every outing- that's rubbish for him. He's 11- he has very different interests. He should have some 1-1 tone with his dad. The dad who only sees him 6 days/ 8 nights a month. So you're saying you guys sit in and do nothing the weekends he's not there, because that would be unfair? Of course you don't. Sorry but he should be engaging more with his son and in an age appropriate way. At least sometimes .