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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

Not Sure I can do this :(

57 replies

Vivian88 · 31/10/2019 22:50

I posted before about partners ex being in critical condition with brain injuries. She’s out of the coma but We’re pretty sure it’s going to be a long recovery. I’ve taken care of the kids for the last month but I’m started to get down.

This is the hardest situation Iv ever been in. My partner works shifts & is goin to be on permanent late shift for like 3 months meaning I will have to look after 2 stepkids and my own dd.

I work part time 3 full days 2 but work from home & Iv been able to move my lunch break to late on so can do school runs. I’m just really struggling with this daunting task. I feel like my whole world will now revolve around the kids. I feel selfish for even thinking like this when kids mum is so poorly. I can’t spend anywhere near as much time with my dd she’s only 4. This whole half term has been a disaster. My partner has been ill on the days he’s booked off and Iv had to look after them alone when the reason he booked the time off was to help. & he’s told me if I don’t do the school runs in the morning as well as get them after school and have them
all evening (he works 2-10pm with 1 hr commute either side) he’s goin to b to tired and get burnt out. & wknds he needs to rest.

It’s caused a row tonight as I’m so exhausted now I’m doubting whether I can do this. I wanna run away I’m so down / tired / exhausted & feel like the most selfish person on the planet & I’m letting everyone down. I don’t know if I can cope.

OP posts:

VimFuego101 · 31/10/2019 22:58

It sounds like they will be with you for the long haul. Can you get a childminder to do the school pickups? Rope in his family to help/ have his DDs for an evening or sleepover? Sign them up for after school club?

BaronessBomburst · 31/10/2019 23:02

I don't see why he can't do the morning school run. What time do you get up and go to bed, compared to him? I bet you're on the go the whole time too.

ApplePie99 · 31/10/2019 23:02

Why are you doing the school run if he doesn't leave for work until 1pm? They're his kids!

Time40 · 31/10/2019 23:10

You're not selfish, OP; you are simply being asked to do too much, and you can't cope.

Could your partner get leave from work? Or how about asking for help from Social Services?

HermioneWeasIey · 31/10/2019 23:13

^*he’s told me if I don’t do the school runs in the morning as well as get them after school and have them
all evening (he works 2-10pm with 1 hr commute either side) he’s goin to b to tired and get burnt out. & wknds he needs to rest.
*^
When do you get to 'rest'?

Original poster

Vivian88 · 31/10/2019 23:18

Yeah this is my point. He said I don’t understand as I don’t do shift work by the time he gets home it’s 11/11.30 and he needs a couple of hours to unwind so won’t go to bed until about 2am so if he gets up at 7am for school run he’s goin to be too tired. Or at the wknds he’s goin to need to lie in and sleep more. He’s basically not goin to see them all wk so they will all be my responsibility plus my dd does a club Monday my sd does gymnastics after school Tuesday then I work 9-5.30 weds - fri. I’m scared if I’m permanently committed to all this then I can’t cope plus wknds been getting up with them too. & he’s been ill this week so mainly been sleeping he said it’s cos he’s run down with stress of what’s happening and he feels torn as he has to work & can’t be home with kids. I’m scared of what Iv signed up too. I’m tryin to do my best and what’s right for everyone else but I’m scared I’m giving away my whole life now x

OP posts:

Singlenotsingle · 31/10/2019 23:23

He's a lazy git isn't he? I used to work shift. Finish at 10. Home by 10.30. Half an hour to wind down and bed by 11. You're going to suffer burnout if you carry on like this.

Starlight456 · 31/10/2019 23:26

Sorry your partner is been really unfair. I have done shifts , I am a cminder and have children dropped off to me parents have been dropped off exhausted as young children have been up but they still have to go to work.

It does sound like this is going to be long term and you need to find a way for it to work for you too.

That will include your Dp putting in some gard work.

The dc mum is seriously ill . Dad should at least be present

AnuvvaMuvva · 31/10/2019 23:28

he’s been ill this week so mainly been sleeping he said it’s cos he’s run down with stress of what’s happening and he feels torn as he has to work & can’t be home with kids

This is just laziness. Did he have any actual symptoms of an illness? Apart from wanting to be in bed all day to escape the punishing guilt? 🙄

I'm so sorry for you. You're being amazing and so helpful, but he's really shafting you. Time to put your foot foam.

AnuvvaMuvva · 31/10/2019 23:29

Put your foot DOWN! 😆 An impromptu foam party would be fun but not very helpful.

readitandwept · 31/10/2019 23:32

I’m doubting whether I can do this.

You probably can do it. What's 100% certain is that you shouldn't have to, and don't have to.

Your partner sounds awful, to be honest. Shit dad and shit partner.

Tell him you need a break, since you're the one actually doing it all. Then take DD and go stay with family. Or even leave her with him.

Original poster

Vivian88 · 31/10/2019 23:36

Thanku for being on my side xx My partner has made me feel like I’m being selfish for saying I can’t cope. And he needs time for himself too or he won’t be able to work. He was also suppose to work today but called in ‘sick’ and said it was becos I was sick and couldn’t look after the kids as he didn’t want it to go down as illness. I was really annoyed as tht was so far from the truth. I dunno what to do I feel really trapped and he’s pushing me to the stage where I want to just walk away and start again with my daughter (he’s not bio dad) he has helped me raise her but he’s not looked after her full time like I am doing his 2 now. He said he’s stepped up and I just want to do the same. We just don’t seem to see each other’s points of view. I feel so selfish when the kids mum is so poorly I honestly feel so awful for the kids I’m tryin to hard to look after them & think of them first :( xx

OP posts:

Lillygolightly · 31/10/2019 23:39

Your not at all unreasonable or selfish to feel daunted by all this, and by rights your also concerned about yourself and the impact on your DD.

While your doing what many of us would as caring humans and mothers in stepping up, he is incredibly lucky that you HAVE stepped up. You don’t have to, they are not your children or your responsibility and you didn’t expect to have to accommodate this scenario.

He may well be feeling torn, stressed and on the brink of burnout, but HE is also being selfish. Considering the paragraph above and the fact that they are HIS kids, he needs to step up too. His life can’t just carry on in the same vein as before while you go running around juggling all the balls trying to keep it together. He needs to pitch in, I understand his comments about the shift work (used to work nights myself and I still managed the school run morning and afternoon) and it is tiring, but he can’t use that excuse to dump it ALL at your door. Why can’t he do the school run on say the Monday and Tuesday? You know share the load and all that, rather than watching you run around like a headless chicken until you get burnt out - at which point I’m absolutely sure you would run away.

I think you might need a very frank and very honest conversation with him about exactly how you are feeling. You are supporting him AND his children, the very least he could do is show some support in return and help lighten your load a little. If he can’t or is unwilling to do that, I would be seriously reconsidering the relationship your in.

MrsTriOskvi · 31/10/2019 23:43

I do the late shift! 5-1am. I still have to be up at half 6 to take 3 kids to school. I don't drive so have to walk them the 30 minutes, youngest is at nursery so have to pick him up at 12 and then back again at 3.15. With all house work and cooking in between. It's shit but they are my kids. I can't believe he's saying he can't do the morning school run! Ridiculous.

Knittedfairies · 31/10/2019 23:44

He's going to have to get to bed earlier than 2 a.m. so he can get his own children up, breakfasted and taken to school. How old are they?

TrainspottingWelsh · 31/10/2019 23:44

He's being a selfish lazy twat. Tough shit if he wants time to unwind after work, he's a parent so unfortunately he only gets to do that around the kids. Not you get to pick up the entire load so he can please himself. The only one at risk of burning out is you.

Also, I'm not minimising the physical strain on you, but the mental exhaustion of dealing with his attitude must be making it 10x harder than it would be if he had a genuine reason for leaving most of the work to you.

Chunkers · 01/11/2019 00:12

Are there grandparents or aunts/uncles who could help out? Even best friends of the Mum?

Could your DH ask to be put on day shift due to compassionate grounds?

Butterymuffin · 01/11/2019 00:18

He can't expect you to do all the school runs all week and then be up with them both weekend days too. He has to put in extra effort not expect it all from you. Lazy and selfish of him, at a time when his kids will really need him.

notapizzaeater · 01/11/2019 00:29

There's two days in a weekend. - why should he claim both. He needs to step up

LatentPhase · 01/11/2019 06:29

Tell him if he continues to be selfish and lazy you will leave and he will need to think about how he is going get them to school 5 days a week til they go to secondary school.

I am genuinely shocked under these circumstances that he isn’t bending over backwards to be with them as much as possible. Genuinely shocked.

Digestive28 · 01/11/2019 06:37

Poor kids with a shit dad and sick mum. Can totally see why you are running yourself into the ground to help them but doesn’t mean you have to.

custardbear · 01/11/2019 06:37

Sorry but your partner needs to pull up his big boy pants and chip in - you both need to support those poor children who are probably terrified about their mum

Can't he change shifts or find a new job if the shifts are too difficult for him to do anything else in life on top of work - he sounds really lazy and a poor excuse for a father and partner to you to be frank

Original poster

Vivian88 · 01/11/2019 07:39

I have more or less said a lot of tht to him. He said I need to think about what I want to do. I’m doin to stay at my dads for the wknd with my dd to hav a break. He didn’t seem tht happy about tht either although he said it was fine. Then next week he’s on the late shift goin forward. I just feel I’m trapped If I say I can’t do all this I’m goin to ruin his life he’ll hav to quit his job & I’m leaving the kids in a bad place. Wev been together 4 years (they r 7 & 9 btw) and If I’m completely honest this is just how he is if he’s tired Iv always cracked on and done more as I earn less than he does so pay less towards bills.. he’s just not nice to be around, if he’s ill the world ends. He had a migraine last week & I understand they r horrible but he spent all day in bed and didn’t even ask if I was ok to have the kids he just assumed which is what annoyed me & said he was feeling too ill to communicate properly. :(

OP posts:

Itallt0omuch · 01/11/2019 07:49

You've got bigger problems than the step children situation. He's lazy and "not nice to be around". He completely disregards your feelings and wellbeing in favour of his own. He's a terrible father as well, outsourcing his children to you when they're in a very difficult situation already and need their father. Don't spend the rest of your life shackled to this man. Don't let your daughter see this is how women are supposed to be treated in relationships.

Chilledout11 · 01/11/2019 07:53

Is dump him.. he finishes work at 11 so he could be in bed after a bit if tv at 12. He's a joke and a user

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