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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Not Sure I can do this :(

57 replies

Vivian88 · 31/10/2019 22:50

I posted before about partners ex being in critical condition with brain injuries. She’s out of the coma but We’re pretty sure it’s going to be a long recovery. I’ve taken care of the kids for the last month but I’m started to get down.

This is the hardest situation Iv ever been in. My partner works shifts & is goin to be on permanent late shift for like 3 months meaning I will have to look after 2 stepkids and my own dd.

I work part time 3 full days 2 but work from home & Iv been able to move my lunch break to late on so can do school runs. I’m just really struggling with this daunting task. I feel like my whole world will now revolve around the kids. I feel selfish for even thinking like this when kids mum is so poorly. I can’t spend anywhere near as much time with my dd she’s only 4. This whole half term has been a disaster. My partner has been ill on the days he’s booked off and Iv had to look after them alone when the reason he booked the time off was to help. & he’s told me if I don’t do the school runs in the morning as well as get them after school and have them
all evening (he works 2-10pm with 1 hr commute either side) he’s goin to b to tired and get burnt out. & wknds he needs to rest.

It’s caused a row tonight as I’m so exhausted now I’m doubting whether I can do this. I wanna run away I’m so down / tired / exhausted & feel like the most selfish person on the planet & I’m letting everyone down. I don’t know if I can cope.

OP posts:
Branleuse · 01/11/2019 07:59

Honestly dump him. Youre going to end up raising his children without a single bit of help from either of their parents, and theres no guarantee that the kids wont resent you for it too. Your partner needs to sort out childcare, not put it all on you. Youre not their mum. Not even doing the school run in the morning? Lazy fucker. I bet you stay up to see him at night too

Branleuse · 01/11/2019 08:00

It will get worse, not better, because its his attitude of entitlement thats the issue

Uponreflection · 01/11/2019 08:07

He’s told you clearly what his position is i.e. he expects you to do the school run every day and look after his children after school and all weekend. I don’t see how that is sustainable for you even though the circumstances are awful.

Sunshinegirl82 · 01/11/2019 08:07

I'd be seriously reassessing OP. Did you meet him quite soon after he split with the DC's mum? Has he ever actually done any parenting or has he just outsourced it all to you because he works?

There are lots of ways this could be managed. He could explain the situation at work and ask to do a different shift pattern for now. I bet he hasn't asked has he? I suspect t he like doing the current shift as it's a convenient excuse not to do anything else!

I think going to your dad's this weekend is a good idea. It wouldn't surprise me at all if he takes the kids to his mum's or something. Men like this do anything and everything to avoid looking after their own kids!

Branleuse · 01/11/2019 08:19

Id go to your dads for longer.
Tell your partner that he either changes his shifts and does some parenting or arranges childcare as youre not some free nanny with sex thrown in.

Original poster
Vivian88 · 01/11/2019 08:20

Yes I do wait up for him after work 🙈 ... and yes he has already said about their nan havin them for a bit so he can do somethin he wants to do.

He’s not a terrible dad he pays maintenance and has them every other wknd.. I would say over last couple of years Iv got up with them all for breakfast more .. I do most of housework anyway as I’m part time so washing etc. It’s not that he does nothing he will only do things when he wants to find the time to. He’s kind with money but sharing the load time wise is where he lets himself down :(

OP posts:
Branleuse · 01/11/2019 08:26

You get what you settle for x

Sunshinegirl82 · 01/11/2019 08:40

There you go. He can't be bothered OP. It's one weekend. Does he ever take them anywhere or do any activities with them? Paying maintenance and getting you/his mum/anyone else he can find to look after them is not being a good dad.

If you stay in this relationship be realistic. He seems very unlikely to step up. Do your SDC have involved grandparents or other family?

Your poor SDC must be having such a tough time. Do they get to see their mum much?

Spanglyprincess1 · 01/11/2019 09:48

Op this needs a hard no. No I'm sorry that isn't possible from you ref the 5 days a week morning school runs. Just say no and don't do it and the same for one day at the weekend.
Say saturdays are his and Sundays are your lie in days and that the end of it.
It's not a discussion or a debate he should be eternally greatful that you are doing 5 days of after school pick ups and care plus one day at weekends for kids that aren't yours. More importantly his kids need him there for them and this will mean consistency and time with him which at the moment is important. If you need to sell it a bit to him then say this is for them and their relationship.
My dp wouldn't dream of doing this and I wouldn't let him either. It's a massive ask. These children have grandparents I assume who will want to see them etc. Your dp needs to sort his days etc how he sees fit.

AtrociousCircumstance · 01/11/2019 09:53

He’s using you. He’s a selfish man. You don’t have to do it - he is behaving like he’s your king and you’re just a servant. Ugh.

WooMaWang · 01/11/2019 11:52

He doesn't have them EOW though. Right now he has his children 7 days a week. And he needs to accept that. It sounds like he wants to carry on as if it's only his responsibility 2 days out if every 14 regardless of the actual circumstances.

He's definitely not a good dad if he's happy to not see his children at all during the week because he stays up late and wants to sleep in. Especially given what the kids are currently going through. I'd imagine they very much want their dad to eat breakfast with them and take them to school.

Given he won't do that, could he use the money he would have been paying as maintenance to pay for some childcare?

WooMaWang · 01/11/2019 11:55

And that'd be childcare for him and his lifestyle choices, not childcare to support you.

You've already changed your working day around to allow you to do school runs. But he's willing to make precisely no changes to his life so he can look after his children.

He should be speaking to HR about an adjustment to his shifts because of his family circumstances.

Original poster
Vivian88 · 01/11/2019 17:03

I think what’s stressing me out the most is how much my partner is being he’s in a fowl mood and tired atm. I understand shifts r tiring I just feel it’s the ultimate p* take he probably isn’t but it’s comes across so ungrateful. He’s bought me a gift to say thanku couple of weeks ago he bought me a coat so I know he is grateful but I can’t deal with how snappy he is atm. :(

OP posts:
Magda72 · 01/11/2019 19:37

Ask yourself this @Vivian88 - if your dp was a single dad & this happened what would he do?
He'd cope - that's what.
His kids have had something truly terrible happen to them & with all due respects to you it's not you they need it's their dad.
If their dm is going to be poorly for some time then he needs to put stuff in place so that he can parent them. Sure you can be or great & valuable assistance but he cannot expect you to do it all - they are not your kids.
I'm sure the situation is tough for him also but it does sound like he's trying to wiggle out of his responsibilities by offloading on you.
As pp have said your problem goes way beyond his ex being unwell & I would really proceed with caution with regard to this relationship.

SeaSidePebbles · 02/11/2019 10:30

Look, forget about the fact that they are stepkids, the mum is sick etc. Let’s pretend for a moment you and DP have 3 kids between you. He works 1-11pm, you work Wednesday-Friday 9.30-5.30.
Bon.
He needs to drop all the kids off, you pick them all up, because he is at work. Saturday he gets a lie in, you get one in Sunday. End of story.
The days you work, he cooks dinner for everybody to have later on, he can do that before he leaves for work. The days you’re free, you cook. He cooks Saturday, you cook Sunday.

halloweenismyseason · 02/11/2019 13:20

You have a self-centred self absorbed dp.
He thinks his load is worse than yours.

My dp does shifts early/ lates and nights and currently I'm working til 12 getting home at 1:30am and still parent.

Needs extra rest and time to unwind at the expensive of his family?...
He needs to put his big boy pants on and grow the 😡 up

Footle · 02/11/2019 15:12

Have you given any thought to what you'd do if they need to live with you full time ?

MeridianB · 02/11/2019 18:31

Hi OP

I really feel for you and I’m afraid it sounds like you’re definitely being taken advantage of.

What does he do for 2.5-3 hours every night after work that is more important than supporting his children and sharing the load with you?

This would be hard enough if it was for a short time but it’s not. And I can see why you feel it’s unsustainable in the longer term.

I would have thought their mum’s family would want to help, too - is there no one who can help?

You sound like you’re being very kind but you’re right to make changes now.

IdiotInDisguise · 02/11/2019 19:20

This whole half term has been a disaster. My partner has been ill on the days he’s booked off and Iv had to look after them alone when the reason he booked the time off was to help. & he’s told me if I don’t do the school runs in the morning as well as get them after school and have them

Feck him being tired, they are HIS kids! What a selfish cosy arrangement he has, focus on your own kids and let him stand up to do what parents do to care for their own children.

IdiotInDisguise · 02/11/2019 19:24

Focus on your DD, I meant to say. The way I have dealt with someone thinking I am some sort of bloody Mary Poppins is to make myself scarce, and I do it with a very good argument: the kids are with dad to bond and have time with THEIR dad not to be dumped with another person. Now, this is a difficult situation as their mum may not be able to care for them for a long time so... start as you mean to go, he either raises to the challenge it fuck off

Teachermaths · 02/11/2019 19:27

Go to your dad's for a week and give him a shock!

Ignore the ill ex, it complicates your feeling but your dp is a lazy shit.

Yestermo · 02/11/2019 19:27

Fuck that. Why are you with him??? Life is far too short.

Original poster
Vivian88 · 03/11/2019 13:19

Your all right 🙈 I just feel so guilty saying I can’t do this when I’ve done it so far. I carry a lot of guilt 😢 xx

OP posts:
kalinkafoxtrot45 · 03/11/2019 13:24

If you weren’t there, he’d have to step up and do it all, so why can’t he do a fair share now? Poor kids with a sick mum and a shit dad, no wonder you are worn out.

Silentlysinking101 · 03/11/2019 13:28

Your dp is an arse!

He needs to get up and take the kids to school, if he is tired he needs to go to bed when he gets in from work not fuck about til 2am! He is their parent.

I agree with posters above, the kids are likely to be with you indefinitely... Their dm may not make enough of a recovery to have them back. Dp needs to come up with a better plan, perm lates is not fair and he needs to discuss this with his work.

Use childcare, is there family near by either hers or his that can help? Perhaps grandparents that can have them one evening a week for tea maybe? Weekends he needs to step up, do things with his kids so you get time with your own dd.

He is being a selfish knob. You are doing great but his kids need him to be there to support them at this time