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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Is it her business?

142 replies

FruitOnPizzaNoThanks · 07/10/2019 10:19

Recently lost a pregnancy and have really struggled with feelings of embarrassment and loneliness.

I saw a few posts online about pregnancy loss awareness and how we need to be talking about it so people don't feel it has to be hidden and so with DHs consent I posted on social media that we have been through this and if anyone feels alone, they aren't and that I will be there to listen and talk to them if necessary.

I never put personal things on social media but I just felt like I should offer support because I really could have done with it when it was me.

Anyway, someone has screenshot it to husband's ex who he has a child with and she has messaged him to say we should have told her, she shouldn't have had to find out that way etc...

AIBU to think that actually no, we didn't have to tell her that I'd miscarried?

I'd understand if we announced we were having a baby but are we really obliged to share news of a pregnancy loss? It hasn't affected DC in any way. I went to the hospital with my mother so that DH could still have his contact day etc... I'm always very conscious not to be upset in their presence and other that the odd day where I've been 'poorly in bed' they have been none the wiser.

Both our families and close friends already knew.

OP posts:

Bibidy · 16/10/2019 16:03

A lot of the time the NRP gets absolutely no say on what the CM money they pay is spent on, and they accept that.

In return the RP needs to accept that as long as their ex is paying what's required they have no say in his/her life, and certainly no right to be prioritised when it comes to family planning discussions.

funinthesun19 · 16/10/2019 16:07

Oh yeah can you imagine the outrage if someone told the rp what to do with their life and how to spend their money?

ChilledBee · 16/10/2019 16:10

A lot of the time that's because NRP doesn't spend enough time with the kid to know what they're into or that it will be greatly beneficial for Jonny to play football or Holly to do ice hockey so think nothing of saying no.

It's really simple Maths. If I have 2 X that I can't afford, I have no business trying to get a third X. If the people who co-own the 2 X are telling me I'm not maintaining them well, it is highly likely that I am not. What I can certainly do is ensure I don't start giving less through my own choices. That means protecting your job/income with your life. That means limiting your commitments and investments. Couples who are still together do it all the time. They may want an additional child but decide that the cost to the existing family would be too high. RP's are removed from that decision but have to pay the cost.

ChilledBee · 16/10/2019 16:15

I think a fairer CM system would make it less ridiculous to think what they assign is enough for you to reduce it by having more children without it being immoral.

I don't think it is unreasonable to question where the money is being spent but I think you have to be realistic when you provide the minimum amount assigned. You can't be complaining that your kids "only" have 1 pair of shoes each when you give £200 pm for 3 primary aged kids (true story).

funinthesun19 · 16/10/2019 16:16

That’s rubbish. You don’t have to see them every day in order to know what they’re into.

Dillydallyingthrough · 16/10/2019 16:20

OP I hope you're ok a nd not too upset by the derailing, a few posters including myself earlier have asked for it stop but unfortunately it hasn't

ChilledBee · 16/10/2019 16:20

A lot of kids feel that their NRP doesn't know them as well as their RP. I know that through teaching them. Sometimes they use that to their advantage but often it just means they have less people they feel they can trust in times of trouble.

ChilledBee · 16/10/2019 16:23

Yes sorry I just won't shut up and let people insist that it is none of the exes business if a co-parent decides to take on new dependents and reduce their support of existing kids. I know it is popular to think people are entitled to just procreate regardless of the consequences on others because love rules or whatever but that isn't an accurate or moral stance in my view. Q

Drabarni · 16/10/2019 16:24

I'm sorry for your loss and absolutely nothing to do with her at all. It didn't concern her as she's just the mother of the child they have together.
Your dh should tell her to jog on.

Spanglyprincess1 · 16/10/2019 16:33

I've reported the derailing as I don't think it's appropriate given the op.

Bibidy · 16/10/2019 16:41

This isn't really fair, so many NRPs including my OH bend over backwards to ensure they are as involved as possible even if they can't be physically possible. Also a lot of NRPs would love to be the RP but it just isn't possible due to the way themselves and their ex structured things before the split.

But you also have to factor into this that the 'co-owner' in this case is not just a politely interested party - they have a vested interest and massive emotionally-driven reasons for not wanting the NRP to expand their family. Therefore they are always highly likely to react strongly to anything they feel 'threatens' their household - even if it's not necessarily a fair reaction at all.

OP I hope you're ok a nd not too upset by the derailing, a few posters including myself earlier have asked for it stop but unfortunately it hasn't flowers

Apologies for the derailing, but I'd rather OP sees some posts defending her decision when she comes back rather than some other things that have been stated.

funinthesun19 · 16/10/2019 16:47

Apologies for the derailing, but I'd rather OP sees some posts defending her decision when she comes back rather than some other things that have been stated.

Exactly.

ChilledBee · 16/10/2019 16:51

Therefore they are always highly likely to react strongly to anything they feel 'threatens' their household - even if it's not necessarily a fair reaction at all.

I think the same can be said for people considering starting what will be a 2nd family.

bluebella4 · 16/10/2019 17:06

I'm so very sorry for your loss. It is horrible thing to experience and I hope you are OK.

I'd get rid of the person who thought it was ok to screenshot your status, with intend to create something, out of such a personal thing. Im sorry these type of people believe that this is ok. Then I'd message ex an let her know that it has nothing to do with her- why would she think it was? Very strange! The fact she didn't ask how you were or if you needed anything is down right ignorant.

TheStuffedPenguin · 17/10/2019 09:09

Did she know you were TTC? Maybe that's what she means?

None of her business . Some of these exes think they have a right to know what is going on in your life and use their children as an excuse to do so . It shows how heartless she is OP that she makes an issue out of this . Sorry for your loss.

nailsathome · 17/10/2019 11:25

@TheStuffedPenguin if you read my subsequent post I have clarified what I meant by this and I am frustrated that it is still being misunderstood. I didn't mean it was her business to know and indeed when I was in the same position and miscarried my ex knew nothing about it. Had I decided to make it public knowledge, which I did for a subsequent successful pregnancy, I would have told him first so that he could deal with his own emotions privately rather than being blindsided with the information from someone else. I am empathetic as to how the news might affect an ex.

TheStuffedPenguin · 17/10/2019 11:33

@nailsathome my reply is to the OP . Yes I can see your frustration .

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