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Original poster

Is it her business?

142 replies

FruitOnPizzaNoThanks · 07/10/2019 10:19

Recently lost a pregnancy and have really struggled with feelings of embarrassment and loneliness.

I saw a few posts online about pregnancy loss awareness and how we need to be talking about it so people don't feel it has to be hidden and so with DHs consent I posted on social media that we have been through this and if anyone feels alone, they aren't and that I will be there to listen and talk to them if necessary.

I never put personal things on social media but I just felt like I should offer support because I really could have done with it when it was me.

Anyway, someone has screenshot it to husband's ex who he has a child with and she has messaged him to say we should have told her, she shouldn't have had to find out that way etc...

AIBU to think that actually no, we didn't have to tell her that I'd miscarried?

I'd understand if we announced we were having a baby but are we really obliged to share news of a pregnancy loss? It hasn't affected DC in any way. I went to the hospital with my mother so that DH could still have his contact day etc... I'm always very conscious not to be upset in their presence and other that the odd day where I've been 'poorly in bed' they have been none the wiser.

Both our families and close friends already knew.

OP posts:
funinthesun19 · 07/10/2019 17:04

And whoever told her is a shit stirring busy body who needs to get a life.

Anuta77 · 07/10/2019 19:29

Sorry for your loss OP.
Clearly she thinks it's her business. It was the same with us, my DP's ex#1 told the kids about our pregnancy before it was time (before 3 months), was telling him that he should let ex#2 know because "she would be upset or left out" and even argued with him about my choice of a birthing place.
I got very upset with her and with him, but men don't see these things the same way and looks like your H, just like my DP, just wants to keep thestatus quo and not have a fight over something he doesn't consider all that important, whereas for us, it's a symbol of them not being on our side. In my case, I was very resentful and the ex's interventions caused a lot of problems. So my advice is to let it go. She's not worth issues you might have with your H if you hold on to the resentment.

Anuta77 · 07/10/2019 19:30

I have to add that I wrote to her trying to put her in her place and it created even more problems, because she complained to my DP. But maybe if your H and his ex are not as close, you could write something just to feel better.

Spanglyprincess1 · 08/10/2019 06:40

Do told his ex I was pregnant before 12 week scan. I was livid.
My pregnancy was high risk and we were not telling the children till 20 weeks at least for this reason. She kept saying they need to know but they didn't until we chose to tell them.
I'd get very angry at your dp over this as it is acceptable for him to even remotely take his exw side on something so distressing!
I'm. Really sorry for your loss.

user1493413286 · 08/10/2019 06:49

I’m sorry for your loss. I don’t think it was her business. If his children were older and likely to have known about it from social media or effected in any way then fair enough but in your circumstances I don’t see why and I think it was odd that someone decided to share that with her when you’re not connected on social media. I’d want to know who that person was and be cautious about them.
My husbands ex was surprised we hadn’t told her we were ttc but I couldn’t work out why on earth we’d have told her.

Original poster
FruitOnPizzaNoThanks · 08/10/2019 11:01

I know who it was who sent it to her any way.

I guess I'm more annoyed that I don't feel DH really stuck up for me at all. Not that she said anything about me necessarily but he knows it was hard for me to share that and I really think he should have told her he didn't think it was something he needed to discuss with her beforehand.

OP posts:
ColaFreezePop · 08/10/2019 13:52

Sorry for your loss.

It is none of his ex's business whether you are pregnant and even if you had a child. Your child will never live in her household and is not related to her so has no reason to have anything to do with her. It is up to your OH to sort out his children seeing each other not either of you, their mothers.

I would suggest from now on if you don't want his ex to stick her nose in you do a social media blackout of any pregnancy and any child you have. This will avoid you arguing about something you don't need to.

The other reason to do this is for your child's sake. Many children are unhappy about their parents and other family members posting photos and other things about them from babyhood.

JellyBook · 08/10/2019 14:49

No, since it has absolutely no impact on her children it’s absolutely none of her business.

Ludicrous to suggest otherwise.

FavaBeansAndANiceChianti · 11/10/2019 10:59

No. Absolutely not!

ChilledBee · 12/10/2019 08:36

Actually, given that CM reduces in the event if further children, it really might be her business. If he already struggles to give CM or it is already the laughable amount of money they suggest the NRP should pay and that will reduce, maybe she deserves a heads up.

If the CM she received didnt change as a result of the decision to have more kids, then I'd agree it is absolutely none of her business.

PleasedToMeetYouSir · 12/10/2019 09:04

Chilled, just because the ex might get less money in the event that her ex has a new child does not make it her business that his wife has had a miscarriage. OP has already said that they would tell her in the event they actually had a baby but no, pregnancy loss is not his exes business!

Original poster
FruitOnPizzaNoThanks · 12/10/2019 09:06

50/50 so no maintenance paid any way.

OP posts:
ChilledBee · 12/10/2019 09:11

M/c maybe not but I think unless you plan to support your children at least as a much as you were before and will have no expectations of your ex to provide childcare so you can prioritise the other child(ren) you create, then you can justify not informing of ex of your plans to conceive. So no trying to get ex to have the kids because you've gone into labour or no trying to have just this time with "your little family". If you can keep to all of that and when you tell the ex, you can assure them that nothing will change, then you can justify keeping it to yourself and not telling them.

50/50 custody and the lack of maintenance that often comes with it are often deeply unfair because one parent doesn't actually provide for half the child's expenses. In fact, as you'll often see on here, it is often used to wriggle out of maintenance.

ChilledBee · 12/10/2019 09:12

Oh and by law/CM policy, you will get less money unless the NRP decides to ignore the figures they set and properly provide for their child.

WhoKnewBeefStew · 12/10/2019 09:15

So sorry to hear about your loss OP.

I don't think she needed to know until you'd told the dc, then a polite message telling her that the dc now knew. I also don't think it's any of her business if you are TTC either.

But this sounds more like your dh inability to put your feelings, and put you first, above his ex. I'd have expected a polite, but firm, 'it's none of your business until the dc are aware' type of message.

funinthesun19 · 12/10/2019 10:04

So no trying to get ex to have the kids because you've gone into labour or no trying to have just this time with "your little family".
ChilledBee your post is oozing with bitterness. And given the subject of the thread, I think you’re being a bit of a bitch.

And just in response to your whole rant. The ex doesn’t have the right to know the op and her dp have been trying to conceive. The time “Queen Bee” gets to find out will be when the op and her dp feel it is safe to do so. She does not own them.

ChilledBee · 12/10/2019 14:31

I have nothing to be bitter about personally as I'm in my first marriage which is going fine right now. I think that since the co-parent in most situations is affected by further kids and many NRPs do not do enough as it is.

If the RP was protected as things like CM wasn't affected by the NRP's choice to have more children, I could understand. But the reality is that most RPs have to pick up the load when the NRP decides to stretch themselves more thinly.

funinthesun19 · 12/10/2019 14:54

But again, I think there is a certain point where the couple need to get to before informing exes. TTC isn’t it. What if the ex isn’t happy, should they just not TTC at all in that case?
I think once the 20 week scan is looking good, then it’s case of informing the ex in a very non apologetic manner:

“Hi, just letting you know we’re expecting a baby in a few months. Every thing is looking good and we’re very excited. I’ll tell the kids tonight” Straight to the point and all positive.

Not
“Hi, me and my wife have decided we want a baby together. I’m just letting you know we are trying to conceive. I hope this is all ok with you and won’t cause you any problems.” That’s just too apologetic and gives the ex too much say and too much power over the situation. Money and resources and time for each child are going to affected no matter what stage the ex is told, so might as well wait until all that very difficult long first stage is over with.

TipToeToothFairy · 12/10/2019 16:08

Apparently I'm weird by MN standards because I think it's okay to warn exes that you are planning a family or TTC. Let's them deal wih their own feelings about it before it happens

UnbowedUnbentUnbroken · 12/10/2019 16:46

What an awful, arrogant and entitled boot. Is it hell any of her business. Sorry to read this OP.

ChilledBee · 12/10/2019 17:32

But again, I think there is a certain point where the couple need to get to before informing exes. TTC isn’t it. What if the ex isn’t happy, should they just not TTC at all in that case?

Maybe not. It would be fairly easy for someone to be totally in the dark about whether their DP pays maintenance. Hearing that actually, they barely support the child(ren) they already have might make them rethink whether their choice to conceive now and/or with this person is the best choice. Especially if an ex hearing about the expected child could prompt them to formalise any CM arrangement and change the perceived financial situation drastically.

This is particularly relevant to people who don't have children and can be oblivious to what they really cost both financially and in terms of energy and time.

nailsathome · 12/10/2019 17:57

I did not say that OP ought to have told the ex she was TTC just that if she wasn't aware that it might be on the cards it could have been a reason why she has gotten involved. I agree it's none of her business but in reality people have feelings and so she may have been blindsided to discover a pregnancy was even on the cards.

I did not tell my ex I was ttc, I told him before we went public with the news after the 20 week scan. I felt it was better hearing the news from me rather than random nosey parkers.

SandyY2K · 13/10/2019 23:49

Sorry for your loss. Even though someone suggested sharing this...and I'm sure they meant well...sharing on SM isn't for everyone and it seems you found it quite tough.

I don't know why would somebody feel the need to tell their ex they were TTC?

I never told anybody I was trying, including my parents and siblings. You tell ppl you're pregnant, when you're good and ready.

ChilledBee · 14/10/2019 07:31

I don't know why would somebody feel the need to tell their ex they were TTC?

Because legally, the support you provide for your older child reduces when you decide to have more children. Lots of women are already making do with an informal arrangement for the benefit of their ex and would want to know if they have used that opportunity to create more dependents instead of focusing on supporting the ones they have properly. If you can have more children without in any way reducing the support of the existing ones through money or time,then go for it. Most cannot and it will be the RP who fills in for the NRP.

NoCauseRebel · 14/10/2019 07:47

The fact you have had a MC or were ttc etc is absolutely none of her business.

What I would say though is the fact you have put it on social media where you presumably have mutual friends means there was a chance she was going to find out. And essentially, you’ve made your miscarriage public knowledge when even his children don’t need to know and will likely never know, iyswim.

I have mutual friends with my ex on social media. I would never even think of putting private business that I wasn’t happy for him to know about on facebook, because I don’t think it’s right to put mutual friends in the position of knowing things about me which my ex doesn’t and which could have affected him in some way iyswim.

There are things about me which my DS knows but which I still haven’t posted on social media. DS could tell his dad if he wants, I would rather he didn’t and he knows that, but I also wouldn’t be annoyed with him if he did, iyswim.

I think that posting on facebook when you have mutual friends there was ill-advised tbh.

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