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Original poster

Is it her business?

142 replies

FruitOnPizzaNoThanks · 07/10/2019 10:19

Recently lost a pregnancy and have really struggled with feelings of embarrassment and loneliness.

I saw a few posts online about pregnancy loss awareness and how we need to be talking about it so people don't feel it has to be hidden and so with DHs consent I posted on social media that we have been through this and if anyone feels alone, they aren't and that I will be there to listen and talk to them if necessary.

I never put personal things on social media but I just felt like I should offer support because I really could have done with it when it was me.

Anyway, someone has screenshot it to husband's ex who he has a child with and she has messaged him to say we should have told her, she shouldn't have had to find out that way etc...

AIBU to think that actually no, we didn't have to tell her that I'd miscarried?

I'd understand if we announced we were having a baby but are we really obliged to share news of a pregnancy loss? It hasn't affected DC in any way. I went to the hospital with my mother so that DH could still have his contact day etc... I'm always very conscious not to be upset in their presence and other that the odd day where I've been 'poorly in bed' they have been none the wiser.

Both our families and close friends already knew.

OP posts:
ChilledBee · 14/10/2019 15:30

I think a lot of the time the guilt the NRP feels at not being around 100% of the time anymore dictates the payment agreed upon at first rather than the actual cost of the children.

But that might be necessary. For example, if I was still working alongside hubby, we'd have to share cooking duties more because I wouldn't be able to do pick ups and get home and make dinner. If I was alone, honestly? We would eat out/takeaway/have expensive almost cooked M+S food more than we do. So our food bill would go up and I bet I'd use things like Uber more than I do currently. My travel expenses would rise because when we only had the 2 3 year olds, I didnt need a weekly/monthly pass because it was slightly cheaper without (hubby would do some pick ups/drop offs) and I drive on weekends. So now I'd be doing it all, all much more than I did then,I'd need more money for travel. So that first agreement is often a truer reflection of how things will be divided in terms of physical parenting as well as money. So no, that rarely justifies reducing it at any point to facilitate new dependents.

This is the reality of a relationship breaking down and the added load of the RP. It's all these little things. If people were made to sit down and really look at the paperwork, a lot would agree that more kids isn't an option.

Spanglyprincess1 · 14/10/2019 15:32

Err the exs maintenance has no bearing on a couples decision to have children. Sorry but he moved on and that's fine.
Same as an the ex has no business dictating if his exw can have more children if she's still in family home etc.
It isn't either exs business.
Maintenance goes up and down for many factors including children change of jobs, unemployment etc etc it's not a fixed amount but a percentage of income

Bibidy · 14/10/2019 15:55

If I was alone, honestly? We would eat out/takeaway/have expensive almost cooked M+S food more than we do. So our food bill would go up and I bet I'd use things like Uber more than I do currently. My travel expenses would rise because when we only had the 2 3 year olds, I didnt need a weekly/monthly pass because it was slightly cheaper without (hubby would do some pick ups/drop offs) and I drive on weekends. So now I'd be doing it all, all much more than I did then,I'd need more money for travel.

But really his payments wouldn't be for this? Are you really saying that if you were to split with your ex you'd expect him to pay more because you'd be eating takeaways and M&S ready-made stuff rather than cooking or choosing cheaper alternatives as you'd be back at work??

CM is meant to cover half of expenses for the children which of course includes food, but not like that! Same with paying for your travel too?! Presumably your DH could still do some of the drop-offs and pick-ups that he does now rather than you having to do 100% just because you have split up.

Bibidy · 14/10/2019 15:55

*split with your DH, sorry!

funinthesun19 · 14/10/2019 17:04

So no, giving your ex 1k a month for the kids and then taking that down to £200 because you've decided to sprog up is irresponsible and selfish.

Wow you really have a way with words don’t you? “Decided to sprog up”? Hmm What a thing to say on this thread.

An NRP paying that much is either very rich or paying waaaaay to much on a average income. If it’s the latter and NRP only has an average income, then the RP is deluding themselves if they think 1k maintenance is going to be paid to them anyway , new baby or not.

ChilledBee · 14/10/2019 17:23

@bibidy

Sorry what? His payments wouldn't be to feed our kids? Of course it would. If I was working full time and doing all pick ups, our food bill would be more for the 4 of us (without hubby) then it would be for the 5 of us with me and hubby sharing cooking duties. So he would have to pay half of that at least.

If DH moved out and I was then having to pay extra travel to make up for the pick ups and drop offs he usually does, then yes, he'd have to pay for that too. We would spend more money as a separated family than we do now and he would have to cough up for half of that. Do you think he gets to not do the drop offs/pick ups AND not pay the additional expense of dropping that job? No way! This is why NRPs get away with so much. I would do what my friend did and literally count every penny and halve it asking her ex pointedly if he plans to stop his son playing football or his daughter dancing or will continue to pay for those things as necessities and not luxuries given that he has fully supported their endeavours thus far.

I doubt I'd have this problem with hubby anyway. He thinks most men are shit dads.

readitandwept · 14/10/2019 17:35

@ChilledBee Nothing you have suggested will stop NRP's "getting away" with it. Nobody here is condoning shit dads. They're recognising that each scenario needs to be considered on its own merits and that really there isn't much the RP can do when it comes to maintenance rules. We can say what we like about dancing/football, M&S meals, but fact is, NRP's only have to pay what the government says and not a penny more. He would "have" to do this, or "have" to do that... No he really wouldn't.

readitandwept · 14/10/2019 17:38

@FruitOnPizzaNoThanks

I'm sure your DH is nothing like the ones discussed here. Sorry for derailing your thread.

Take care and good luck Thanks

ChilledBee · 14/10/2019 17:55

I think proper CM and no reduction for any further dependents will make a lot of people rethink more children.

As it stands, anyone who is comfortable paying the minimum allocation is scum in my eyes. You should be deeply uncomfortable paying that ridiculous amount and trying to earn more/do more for kids. Anyone with a partner who pays the CM amount and is planning more kids joins them in the pond scum category in my books. Anyone who would let their new partner pay less for their own children because they count your kids as dependents is also also despicable.

funinthesun19 · 14/10/2019 18:07

As it stands, anyone who is comfortable paying the minimum allocation is scum in my eyes. You should be deeply uncomfortable paying that ridiculous amount and trying to earn more/do more for kids. Anyone with a partner who pays the CM amount and is planning more kids joins them in the pond scum category in my books.

I don’t see how you can generalise everyone. There are so many variables.

Sweetpeach3 · 14/10/2019 18:55

Sorry for your loss but honestly it's non of her business. We told everyone and the kids before we even told their mums so they found out of the kids. Not their business we don't ask about their private life or what they do with it - unless it effects the children like you said. Xx

ChilledBee · 15/10/2019 06:46

Being comfortable doing something and doing it because you have to are different things. Your desire and drive to do better is what counts. You're not doing better if you pay a measly amount of maintenance and decide to have more babies and pay even less.

Spanglyprincess1 · 15/10/2019 07:09

Sorry to derail. This is a thread about the op losing a pregnancy not a debate about CM. It isn't really the appropriate thread for this type of 'dad's are all crap for having any more kids' rants.
I'm really sorry for your loss op. I hope you and your dp are okay. No it isn't her business and he should support you.
I'm also sorry that some of the posts haven't been the most sensitive given the nature of the op.

Phuquocdreams · 15/10/2019 07:19

I have rarely seen such inappropriate de-railing on a thread about pregnancy loss. ChilledBee you should be ashamed of yourself.

ChilledBee · 15/10/2019 07:27

Thought the thread was about whether it is the exes business when her co-parent is looking to conceive with someone else as this ex went batshit when she found out they had conceived. To me this is on topic. I agree that in many cases, it is absolutely the exes business because they pick up the slack for a co-parent who is spread too thinly.

I'm not going to avoid saying that because people want babies. Yes, if you plan to use other kids/step kids as a way of reducing your support of older children, you need to be transparent about that before it happens

funinthesun19 · 15/10/2019 07:42

What difference does it make whether she finds out when they are TTC or when they have had the 20 week scan? She’s still got plenty of time to get over herself before the baby arrives.

ChilledBee · 15/10/2019 07:44

Because any issue she has with how the existing children are being supported can be raised in a transparent fashion in front of all adults involved before the baby arrives.

That's only possible in a planned conception, of course but as early as possible should be the guideline.

ChilledBee · 15/10/2019 07:49

You keep speaking as if it is okay that one can simply take on new dependents (biological or otherwise) and drop support to others to make it (sort of) work. It's not a case of the (usually frnsle) RP needing to adjust to her increased load because that's life. No, that's why we have so many shitty fathers and overworked, miserable mothers. Yes they are often resentful of the new relationship/partner because their heavy load means securing a new relationship while carrying your own parenting load and half of your exes too is difficult. People judge you for bringing kids round your new bloke "too soon" yet Dad has most evenings and EOW free for adult times. Yeah, no, let's equal this up a bit.

Zeldasmagicwand · 15/10/2019 08:16

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Beansandcoffee · 15/10/2019 08:19

Perhaps she was being compassionate. If she had known you were going through a serious medical procedure then your H should have been with you and that’s perhaps what she is saying he should have been with you and missed the kids for once. Clumsy I know.

funinthesun19 · 15/10/2019 08:38

All I care about right now is fact that a woman has the right to keep whatever is going on in her body private for as long as she wants. If that includes keeping the ex in dark about things then so be it. I would be furious if I had a partner who told his ex before I was ready to tell her.

Dillydallyingthrough · 15/10/2019 08:43

Im really sorry for your loss OP Flowers the ex didn't need to know. It was really brave for you to put it on SM so if your friends were in a similar situation felt they could talk to someone who understood.

@chilledBee do you really feel this is an appropriate thread to be having this discussion?? FFS the OP is clearly about loss not CM, start your own thread, but have some fucking sympathy!

funinthesun19 · 15/10/2019 08:44

You keep speaking as if it is okay that one can simply take on new dependents (biological or otherwise) and drop support to others to make it (sort of) work

No I don’t. I keep saying the ex doesn’t have a god given right to know everything.

ChilledBee · 15/10/2019 09:02

Everything? No. Things that will affect the way they support existing kids? Yes. Could one of those things be that there will likely be more dependents on the way? Yes.

The OP asked if she had to tell her she sadly M/C. My answer is no, not that part, but in many circumstances, the fact that someone is adding to their dependents is absolutely the business of other co-parents because they have to make up the shortfall. Money is one way they do this but there are plenty of others too.

funinthesun19 · 15/10/2019 09:13

The OP asked if she had to tell her she sadly M/C. My answer is no, not that part, but in many circumstances, the fact that someone is adding to their dependents is absolutely the business of other co-parents because they have to make up the shortfall. Money is one way they do this but there are plenty of others too.

Why not just leave your answer at “no it’s none of her business” then instead of talking about irrelevant stuff? You clearly feel strongly about it all so why not just start another thread about it? I’m sure there will be plenty of people who will have a debate with you about it.

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