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Step-parenting

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Original poster

To be a bit fed up of DH inability to parent his own children

57 replies

Iamnotagoddess · 22/09/2019 19:55

He has two DDs (and an adult son but this isn’t about him).

I have kids, two have left home and one still at home. I like to think I brought up well as a single mum but when DH came on the scene he was really really hard in my kids, and still expects DS to do a lot around the house on top of A’levels and a part time job.

Unsurprisingly DS sometimes goes to his dads when DH is around (he works away all the time) and he finds his step sisters difficult.

This morning they had drank a lot of tea and used the last of the milk. I was making lunch and DH was busy so I suggested one of the girls could walk to the shop (0.3 miles away) to get some more milk (he asked them to have a shower and it was two hours before they did that meaning there was a rush for the bathroom too).

He gave them the money and an hour later they are still sat in their phones in their room, I questioned this as I was also driving 4 hours to drop them all off at the train station so they could get home/DH get his flight, he then says he’ll go up in the car, tells them they will never be allowed to drink tea here again Hmm - he constantly makes ridiculous, unachievable punishments that he will never carry out.

I wasn’t having any of this so went up and said nicely but firmly, please will one of you do as asked and go to the (fucking) shop, esp you used all the milk, and didn’t mention that it was running low.

One of them went as the other suddenly had a stomach ache and DH was annoyed that I had insisted they did as asked, saying “he hadn’t seen them for a month” (they were busy the last time they were due to come).

So does this mean they don’t have to follow any rules then? 😤😤

OP posts:
Aroundtheworldandback · 22/09/2019 22:25

It’s not an inability to parent them it’s an unwillingness. I feel for you 100% as have similar issues. Wish I could give you (us) advice. I have been told by friends to turn a blind eye but easier said than done.

Original poster
Iamnotagoddess · 23/09/2019 07:52

I try so hard to turn a blind eye.

But when he’s then “directing” me on my own parenting (which is actually pretty much ok - I run IY courses ffs) it’s so hard to keep quiet 😤

OP posts:
cookingonwine · 23/09/2019 12:33

I would of done the same ... probably after 30 minutes though!

Original poster
Iamnotagoddess · 23/09/2019 17:18

I wanted to after 30 minutes!!

Drives me absolutely nuts and he can’t see what a utter hypocrite he is.

OP posts:
7yo7yo · 23/09/2019 17:22

Your poor kids. I wouldn’t come back to yours, I’d rather stay at my dads!

spottysept · 23/09/2019 17:27

How annoying! If his expectations of your children and his children are different then this is unfair. You should call him out.

Teach him some incredible years basics OP!

Original poster
Iamnotagoddess · 23/09/2019 17:30

Two of my kids have left home ... and yes I suspect he had something to do with that accelerating Sad

OP posts:
AFistfulofDolores1 · 23/09/2019 18:41

This would be a deal-breaker for me, OP, given everything you've raised.

Original poster
Iamnotagoddess · 23/09/2019 19:05

I’m not going to end my (second) marriage because I don’t like the way he parents his children.

They didn’t leave because of him but they are in no rush to come back, tbf my eldest was pretty messy and lazy and my husband is extremely anal about house chores (unless it’s his own kids Angry)

OP posts:
Grambler · 23/09/2019 19:16

I’m not going to end my (second) marriage because I don’t like the way he parents his children

What about the fact he's driven your children away?

Wildorchidz · 23/09/2019 19:20

Do you think your children will forgive you for bringing him into their lives?

Original poster
Iamnotagoddess · 23/09/2019 19:27

He hasn’t “driven” my children away.

They both moved out with partners and my son actually asked to come home but I was reluctant because if the way OH can be and the tension that sometimes causes.

I am not sure why people have to be so dramatic “will they ever forgive me” for what?

I have contact with them most days and they turn up at the house whenever.

They have just both said that they are happier in their own homes with their own rules. My rules aren’t massively different from his expectations, he just banged on about them unecessarily as I was completely capable and in control.

OP posts:
FairyBatman · 23/09/2019 19:27

Sounds like you need to keep highlighting the disparity. “What would you do is DS did that?” “Would you let DS off with that?” ad infinitum.

Original poster
Iamnotagoddess · 23/09/2019 19:29

FairyBatman

Yeah I do - he gets very defensive and says I am always “on their backs” Hmm

I am always very nice about it.

OP posts:
CarolDanvers · 23/09/2019 19:30

You're not going to end your marriage over the way he parents his children. Of course not. You didn't end it when he was treating your own like shit so not sure what you're moaning about really. You accepted his shit step parenting of your children, but too late to start stamping your feet about his.

MeridianB · 23/09/2019 19:35

Your posts seem quite focused on his lack of expectations and boundaries for his two daughters, but I’d be more worried about the impact of his behaviours and demands on your son.

Is he too hard on your son or too soft on his daughters or both? Either way, consistency sounds lacking, which in turn could affect everyone in the house.

From the way you describe him, he sounds hard work.....

madcatladyforever · 23/09/2019 19:36

but I was reluctant because if the way OH can be and the tension that sometimes causes.

Sorry but he'd be gone if he was my husband. My children are much more important than a bloke.My ex 2nd husband tried driving my son away. Look where that got him.

I want my son to be comfortable in my home even though he has a partner and is nearly 40.

Also I didn't trust exH to see that my wishes re DSs inheritance would be carried out. Never getting married again.

Original poster
Iamnotagoddess · 23/09/2019 19:36

Where have I said he treated my own kids like shit? Confused

That’s actually really fucking insulting to me as a mother.

It’s a tense relationship like many all over the country.

He was rarely here as I have already said, which was part of my issue actually, that I didn’t need him coming home and being authoritarian.

There is a big difference between that and “treating my kids like shit”.

OP posts:
Original poster
Iamnotagoddess · 23/09/2019 19:40

And yes my children are more important than a bloke.

Life is also complicated and from this topic it’s clear there were many many difficult step parenting situations.

OP posts:
Original poster
Iamnotagoddess · 23/09/2019 19:40

*are

OP posts:
timshelthechoice · 23/09/2019 19:51

Wow! I'd have ditched any man who was 'hard on my kids' not married him and forced my kids to put up with him and his bratty kids but here you are grousing about how he parents his spoilt kids not about what a dick he is. No wonder your son goes to his dads when he's around, poor kid.

timshelthechoice · 23/09/2019 19:52

I feel sorry for all these kids stuck in these shitty 'blended' families because Mum and Dad just had to have a live-in relationship again and oh, well, it's just 'complicated' and common so put up with it. Hmm

7yo7yo · 23/09/2019 21:57

You shouldn’t leave him because of the way he treats his kids.
You should have left over the way he treated yours.

Quartz2208 · 23/09/2019 22:07

In these situations all we have to go on is what you say and you say the following:

*DH came on the scene he was really really hard in my kids, and still expects DS to do a lot around the house on top of A’levels and a part time job.

Unsurprisingly DS sometimes goes to his dads when DH is around (he works away all the time) and he finds his step sisters difficult.*

They both moved out with partners and my son actually asked to come home but I was reluctant because if the way OH can be and the tension that sometimes causes.

My rules aren’t massively different from his expectations, he just banged on about them unecessarily
Two of my kids have left home ... and yes I suspect he had something to do with that accelerating
tbf my eldest was pretty messy and lazy and my husband is extremely anal about house chores (unless it’s his own kids angry)

All your own words about how he treats you, your children and how they feel about it.

“directing” me on my own parenting

Original poster
Iamnotagoddess · 23/09/2019 22:44

I think it’s difficult to give a rounded view of your life within a few posts/sentences actually here.

I didn’t really post here to be judged on my parenting - I have an excellent relationship with my children - or my marriage.

OP posts:
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