To be a bit fed up of DH inability to parent his own children

[Iamnotagoddess]

He has two DDs (and an adult son but this isn’t about him).

I have kids, two have left home and one still at home. I like to think I brought up well as a single mum but when DH came on the scene he was really really hard in my kids, and still expects DS to do a lot around the house on top of A’levels and a part time job.

Unsurprisingly DS sometimes goes to his dads when DH is around (he works away all the time) and he finds his step sisters difficult.

This morning they had drank a lot of tea and used the last of the milk. I was making lunch and DH was busy so I suggested one of the girls could walk to the shop (0.3 miles away) to get some more milk (he asked them to have a shower and it was two hours before they did that meaning there was a rush for the bathroom too).

He gave them the money and an hour later they are still sat in their phones in their room, I questioned this as I was also driving 4 hours to drop them all off at the train station so they could get home/DH get his flight, he then says he’ll go up in the car, tells them they will never be allowed to drink tea here again - he constantly makes ridiculous, unachievable punishments that he will never carry out.

I wasn’t having any of this so went up and said nicely but firmly, please will one of you do as asked and go to the (fucking) shop, esp you used all the milk, and didn’t mention that it was running low.

One of them went as the other suddenly had a stomach ache and DH was annoyed that I had insisted they did as asked, saying “he hadn’t seen them for a month” (they were busy the last time they were due to come).

So does this mean they don’t have to follow any rules then? 😤😤

@holidayhelpppp

No one has said it's aaaallll OP's fault. They've pointed out what an arse he is and OP has brought it up with him. No earth shattering advice from you there.

But ultimately each parent is responsible for how they let a partner (or anyone) treat their child. OP has continued to let him treat hers fairly shit in comparison to his own, to the point they couldn't wait to leave home. That's on OP.

readit better advice than "youre enabling abuse to your children " which is melodramatic, untrue and v unhelpful.

Its not on OP, its on him, because its HIM that did it.

They are adults yes and moved out with partners.

The irony is amazing-you state your partner treats your son differently and your older children accelerated their departures from home and we assume he's bullying them and now you claim to be the victim of MN bullying? Do you like how that feels? You think your children enjoyed it?

Its not on OP, its on him, because its HIM that did it.

No. The OP had a responsibility to her children to not tolerate it. This is not a DV situation where OP lived in fear. This is just a bossy man who should have been reined in and sounds like he still should be. Its infantilising to suggest OP has no responsibility here. No doubt OP will snap back at that but I don't care really. You're focussed on the wrong thing OP. Yes it's annoying that he treats his kids differently but you accepted harsh treatment for your own for years. You can't change it even if you are rewriting it every time you post. So what could you do now? Me, I'd have it out with him. I'd tell him how he treats his kids has thrown up many comparisons with how he treated yours and now you have regrets. I'd tell him you're not going to stand by anymore and there's a certain level of behaviour and manners you expect from his kids and they are fortunate that it's less than what he demanded from yours but more than he currently expects from them.

Yes I see my kids 4/5 times a week.

I am driving them because his car is here, he’s flying back and needed to get to the airport and his children live 150 miles away so I dropped them at a suitable train station.

I have had it out with him many times.

When the children were all together everyone got treated exactly the same (why would I stand by and see my children treated differently to his, and he didn’t want that either?!).

What pisses me off and my problem is that as my children have left or are off doing their own thing and his kids come he is much more relaxed and expects much less of them now it’s just those two.

My son who is still at home is 17, so he doesn’t tend to spend a lot of time hanging out with me anyway.

Hi OP

How often does he see his children? I guess this might be the key? If he sees them every week for 2 or 3 nights then they should be subject to the same rules as yours. If though it's one weekend a month or something then they are more like guests and if he sees them for a limited time only I guess he wants to spend time with them and doesnt want them doing chores. Its tricky. As is the last minute change of plans. If something came up with his ex or she was ill, then the first person most people would contact is the other parent to see if they could have them. Unless its frequent because the ex just cant be arsed, then its probably worth rearranging your plans (which is fairly easy for a meal for 2) for the sake of keeping a good relationship with the ex.

It sounds like his children are a lot younger than yours if yous are all leaving home and his are around 10, perhaps he expects the older ones to do more around the house which isn't unreasonable

As for the different rules, I think you need to sit down and agree rules for various situations in advance, and punishments for not being followed, and tell everyone in the family. Write them down and then maybe everyone will stick to them