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Step-parenting

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Original poster

To be a bit fed up of DH inability to parent his own children

57 replies

Iamnotagoddess · 22/09/2019 19:55

He has two DDs (and an adult son but this isn’t about him).

I have kids, two have left home and one still at home. I like to think I brought up well as a single mum but when DH came on the scene he was really really hard in my kids, and still expects DS to do a lot around the house on top of A’levels and a part time job.

Unsurprisingly DS sometimes goes to his dads when DH is around (he works away all the time) and he finds his step sisters difficult.

This morning they had drank a lot of tea and used the last of the milk. I was making lunch and DH was busy so I suggested one of the girls could walk to the shop (0.3 miles away) to get some more milk (he asked them to have a shower and it was two hours before they did that meaning there was a rush for the bathroom too).

He gave them the money and an hour later they are still sat in their phones in their room, I questioned this as I was also driving 4 hours to drop them all off at the train station so they could get home/DH get his flight, he then says he’ll go up in the car, tells them they will never be allowed to drink tea here again Hmm - he constantly makes ridiculous, unachievable punishments that he will never carry out.

I wasn’t having any of this so went up and said nicely but firmly, please will one of you do as asked and go to the (fucking) shop, esp you used all the milk, and didn’t mention that it was running low.

One of them went as the other suddenly had a stomach ache and DH was annoyed that I had insisted they did as asked, saying “he hadn’t seen them for a month” (they were busy the last time they were due to come).

So does this mean they don’t have to follow any rules then? 😤😤

OP posts:
SavingSpaces2019 · 24/09/2019 01:13

when DH came on the scene he was really really hard in my kids
You mean YOU allowed him to be - and you let him stay and carry on the abusive behaviour.

Two of my kids have left home ... and yes I suspect he had something to do with that accelerating
No shit Sherlock!
If an abusive, authoritarian shag of my mother's had moved into my home and started on me, i too would have left asap!
You've let your kids down - and you don't even acknowledge it.

Unsurprisingly DS sometimes goes to his dads when DH is around (he works away all the time) and he finds his step sisters difficult
Now him and his dd's are driving your last remaining child away - he too is going to get the fuck away from your 'home' asap.

All this for a man who has continually been disrespecting you and bullying your dc Hmm

MustardScreams · 24/09/2019 01:21

I cannot stand parents that put a relationship before their children.

Quartz2208 · 24/09/2019 07:21

But they are part and parcel of the same issue
How he treats your children and treats his is a reflection of both of those

What did you want from this. As I am other posters have said the damning stuff has come from you

Original poster
Iamnotagoddess · 24/09/2019 07:21

That’s fine take my words out of context and twist then into what you want - that actually feels like bullying a stranger on a forum to me.

I hope all of you one day don’t come onto an Internet forum for a little rant and get judged and told by strangers who know fuck all about you and your family that you have failed your children (whom I adore, brought up alone and have always dropped everything for) and that you are a shitty parent.

OP posts:
CarolDanvers · 24/09/2019 07:40

Everything you've been judged on you said yourself. Nothing has been taken out of context at all. In a very few posts you've explained exactly how the dynamic is/was in your home and relationship. No one twisted anything, it all came from you. No one is bullying you either, they're reacting to your very own words and explanations.

Hopefully your attentiveness as a parent when he wasn't around has made up somewhat for your choice of partner. The truth is you have let him be hard on your children and your "rant" seems to be that he isn't as hard on his own children as he was on yours.

theatrenerd31 · 24/09/2019 07:44

My stepdad was like this. His own children were perfect, could do no wrong. We may as well have been the spawn of Satan in comparison. Nothing was right or good enough, the house had constant tension and we felt uncomfortable when he was home.

I deliberately moved 250 miles away for uni, then when that didn't work and I ended up back at home I did everything within my power to move out quickly.

Thankfully my mum's left him and time's healed our relationship. Even she now accepts that he was emotionally abusive and she should have ended things sooner because of it.

Original poster
Iamnotagoddess · 24/09/2019 07:46

I have not said that he bullied or abused my children and I feel like that is what I am being accused of standing by and watching which is NOT the case.

He has been there for them and supported them a lot more than one of their fathers has. We had very happy times all together.

Sometimes it was difficult to navigate, DH is in the military and he expected more of 16 yr olds than I did as he joined up when he was 16.

We went to therapy together and there was a shift in his behaviour but so resent the what I see as lax and crap attitude towards his own daughters, it’s the absolute extreme.

OP posts:
Original poster
Iamnotagoddess · 24/09/2019 07:52

@theatrenerd31

A) I didn’t ask to be judged.

B) who is anyone to place themselves in judgement of me?

OP posts:
NotStayingIn · 24/09/2019 07:53

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

NotStayingIn · 24/09/2019 07:55

Cross post with your update. More therapy might help.

CarolDanvers · 24/09/2019 07:59

I had a military parent too. He did 25 years so I know what you're talking about and I remember my friends who had parents like you describe. My own Dad had his moments but was away a lot. I would have found it very difficult to take those kinds of attitudes and "discipline" from someone my mother had decided to move into the home. Him being away a lot has probably helped your children stay close to you tbh.

The situation you describe sounds annoying but I am surprised by it. He had no bond with your children so felt more comfortable bossing them around, forcing his expectations on to them and making himself unpleasant at times. That's what's so sad about the whole thing and why wouldn't ever put my children into a blended family. He has one level for your kids who weren't his and one for his own. As a mother I would be gutted to see this. I think you need to stop making excuses for him and have it out with him. You can't change the past, you'll have to live with that but you can come down on it now and maybe your son will absorb the benefits and want to spend more time at home. That's what I would be focusing on, not his dd's behaviour.

CarolDanvers · 24/09/2019 08:00

not surprised

Original poster
Iamnotagoddess · 24/09/2019 08:02

My son goes to his dads one night a fortnight when his step sisters are here.

He has a close relationship with his father.

I have always defended and stuck up for my children and told DH to butt out. I always always call him out when I think he’s out of line.

OP posts:
WhoKnewBeefStew · 24/09/2019 08:07

You're getting a load of unnecessary shit on her OP.

It does sound like your dh is a 'do as I say, not as I do', if you've tried to talk to him about this in the past the only thing you can do is keep pointing out the differences. I'd also stop tip toeing around his dc, in the future, don't wait two hours, go and tell them after 39 minutes if that's what you'd do with your own kids.

MustardScreams · 24/09/2019 08:31

Accelerated her children moving out, it’s a tense relationship, one of op’s children was discouraged from coming home because of her husband, he’s hard on them, anal about chores, he was away for long periods of time and coming home and being authoritarian (but not with his own children).

I don’t think the responses have been unnecessary or shit at all tbh.

KnickerBockerAndrew · 24/09/2019 08:42

If your DH treats his children differently to the way he treats his own, you have a bigger problem than you seem to be willing to admit to yourself.

Are his stepdaughters only with you once a fortnight then? Not excusing their rudeness, but I'd be quite annoyed at anything coming across my time with my child if they're with me so rarely.

Original poster
Iamnotagoddess · 24/09/2019 09:12

Not excusing their rudeness, but I'd be quite annoyed at anything coming across my time with my child if they're with me so rarely

I have no idea what you mean.

And no they are not only with us once a fortnight, they are also at an age where they sometimes choose not to come.

OP posts:
CarolDanvers · 24/09/2019 09:59

So there's nothing really wrong at all then. He's not that bad to your kids, you pull him up when he is, your kids just prefer to be elsewhere, his kids hardly ever come anyway.

Not sure why you posted then really. According to your later posts there's actually no problems at all...

Original poster
Iamnotagoddess · 24/09/2019 10:15

My kids do not prefer to be elsewhere.

We have his children a lot.

OP posts:
Wildorchidz · 24/09/2019 12:07

Two of my kids have left home ... and yes I suspect he had something to do with that accelerating

So they do prefer to be elsewhere?

MsTSwift · 24/09/2019 12:09

Maybe they left home because they are adults and grew up? Surely that’s a good thing and supposed to happen!

Stayawayfromitsmouth · 24/09/2019 12:15
Confused Sooo... What now?
sassbott · 24/09/2019 12:17

OP, I genuinely don’t think that anyone is giving you and undue hard time on here.

There seem to be a few issues.

  1. he treats his children differently to how he treats yours.
  2. he then chastises/ criticises/ insert whatever word works when you then ask them to do the bare basics and have some consideration
  3. you have (by your own admission) acknowledged in some part that your own children’s moving out was somewhat accelerated by him and the child who does live with you chooses to remove himself when your DH and/ or his SS’s are around.

Here’s my answers.

  1. It’s a huge issue and you are not alone. This is a well known phenomenon on these boards (and in general). Enacted by NRP’s who claim special treatment because of a myriad of reasons. The impact that this can have on the children of the RP is immense. Because it isn’t healthy. And it in actual fact gives the NR children a great deal of sway over the household.
  2. this is also a known issue. And is incredibly disrespectful to you as his wife. Because it once again (like point 1) says that his children take precedent over every one else in the household. Including you, your parenting values and wider question of what mutual respect means when you come into someone’s house. That respect doesn’t lessen when it’s your own home, in actual fact it should increase, because basic manners say, ‘hey, you’re running low on milk, I’m going to run and stock up.’ And if anyone wants to come on here and say that’s not how teenagers/ older children act? I disagree as my DC have used the milk and not mentioned it only once or twice. They got rockets. Now I at least get a text saying we need milk.
  3. Both of the above will absolutely have contributed to this part. And if you can’t see that/ need to be denial that’s your choice.

I’ve just ended a 4 plus year relationship. I refused to live with my partner for precisely all of the above. Could I do with living with someone for financial reasons? Of course. Did I love him? Absolutely. But am i prepared to have a home where my own children are held accountable by one set of rules just because they happen to spend more time with me than the other kids who don’t? Not a chance. It would be horrible for my children and one day I would have to answer to ‘why did you let him do this?’

You may be too far down this path to be able to do anything about it. But trust me, I don’t think anyone is being remotely unfair on this thread.

Open your eyes. And try and salvage something from what we’re telling you. Have you ever asked your youngest why he removes himself? Have you asked him (or any of your other children in fact) how they feel about it all?

hsegfiugseskufh · 24/09/2019 12:22

another thread where the man is a shit, and its allllllllll the womans fault.

What a fucking surprise.

OP, I would be annoyed too. I would say to him its unfair for him to expect high standards of your children, and set no standards for his own children. They all need to be treated the same, his children aren't of a higher status than yours because they don't live there.

he is Disney parenting.

Drabarni · 24/09/2019 12:25

Do the kids that have left home have much to do with you? Sounds like your twat of a husband rules the roost.
Wtf are you driving them for 4 hours when they can't be arsed to go to the shop.
Stop being a mug and let him sort his kids out, and you sort yours.
Your ds is doing enough, can the dh not go to his dads instead?

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